India || Unblemished

Screw You, Meteorological Department of India

2009-05-30T21:15:00.000-07:00

While cyclone Alia continues to wreck havoc across the Bay of Bengal border, taking hundreds of lives in the last week, Mumbai and the rest of Maharashtra is left in waiting for a monsoon that was supposed to start about a fortnight ago.

Because, seriously, the heat is freaking KILLING ME.

The Meteorological Department of India (which is never right, by the way) claims this extended summer will last till mid-June or so, and we should all just accept it and be cool about it.

Be cool about it? Really? Is this the appropriate time for word-play jokes?

Let's review how my last three weeks have gone by with the personification of my inner voice, yeah?

May 10th - Damn, it's hot. Time to rev up the air conditioner for a couple of hours.

May 12th - Whoa! A Rs.10,000 electricity bill... Either the board is playing a cruel joke, or global warming is.

May 15th - A couple of week left... A couple of weeks left...

May 17th - Looking up rain dances online.

May 18th - Application of said rain dance.

May 18th (a little later) - EPIC FAIL.

May 19th - Tending to blisters on feet caused by dancing like a lunatic on the concrete flooring of my colony's parking lot, at noon.

May 22th - The onset of pre-monsoon showers. And by that I mean a sprinkling of water that give us immense hope but is actually a big middle finger by Earth in response to human-triggered increased carbon emissions.

May 24th - Meteorological Dept. asks us to wait till June...........................

May 26th - The elections are done with, right? Who cares if civilians don't get 24/7 electricity supply anymore?

May 27th - Apparently it's raining in Bangalore... *books tickets*

May 28th - Hanging out in malls in sheer desperation.

May 28th - (fifteen minutes later) Barely survived the 10 minute autorickshaw ride from home to the mall.

May 29th - The sun shines with a new vengeance (could also be the name of a Jackie Chan movie).

May 30th - Parched throats. Dry tongues. Burning eyes (contact lens don't help). An anvil on my head. Every pore on my body on fire (and not in a good way). This sucks.

Today - OMFG I NEED RAIN!!!!1!!

-terminated-
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Zoozoos - Are They Us?

2009-05-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

You can't not love them - they're adorable, impish, unintentionally funny and they make for good conversation over dinner. Plus, there are those scenes with the crocodile that just crack me up. All-in-all, a very bittersweet farewell to the pug that generally graces Vodafone ads.

But here's the big question: Are Zoozoos a metaphor for... Indians?

Now I don't want to go all stereotypical and (sorta) racist here, but I'd like to point out some things that may make Zoozoos more Indian than you think:

[Let's do the case study thing again. It makes me feel like a professional]

Case Study 1 - Appearance

1. Wide hips? Check.
2. Dazed expression? Check.
3. A tie, therefore denoting a white-collar job in front of a computer screen? Check.
4. Grey atmosphere spelling depression? Check.

Case Study 2: Nature

1. Loves cricket even if they don't comprehend it.

2. Waaaaaaay to inquisitive/nosy for their own good.

3. Priorities not set straight.

Case Study 3: Likes

1. Dealt with under Nature, but again, likes cricket a lot.
2. Also adores attention.
3. Media loves covering said irrelevant attention.

*Gasp* My speculation was totally correct! Why those yellow-bellied, underhanded crooks! I swear on Shahid Kapoor's career, if Vodafone isn't playing a cruel joke by mocking us, I'll -

I mean, I'll definitely go and -

What I mean to say is that Vodafone's lawyers better -

...
...
...

Oh, screw it. I love Zoozoos :)
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MTV India - I'm Shamed (Note: It Sucks)

2009-05-28T06:31:00.000-07:00

There was a time when MTV was the up-and-coming youth oriented TV channel in India. They had relevant material, funny sketches, good Veejays that devoted their efforts towards actually making the channel one worth watching. Considering how the only other shows that teens could watch revolved around the 24-7 screening of recent Bollywood songs and/or Cartoon Network, MTV India was a huge breath of fresh air.

Then the era of the reality shows came in and sucked all the fun out of it.

Case Study 1: Skits on MTV

During a nicer time

They play this in the corner of hell where people who are guilty
of treason to their country are kept

Case Study 2: MTV Bakra

When famous people could afford to be on Bakra
without humiliating themselves

Bakra on Jose? Are we that desperate, Cyrus?

Case Study 3: "Let's Relate to Teens"
Back then: MTV Super Select with VJ Nikhil, who picked film celebrities as well as eminent personalities on his interviews
Right now: Splitsvilla, Wassup and the Tickr... need I say more?

Case Study 4: OK, I can't do this anymore *sigh*

Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Why does she have to ruin everything for us, can't she just watch something else?" I would, except I'm really not up for watching Hard Kaur attempt to dance for Saroj Khan, who should have retired from the scene when she hit 80. Or for catching Bigg Boss (two g's? Really?). Or watching Karan Arjun over and over again on Set Max.

I'll just go chuck my TV out now.
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BRC-Rap

2009-05-24T01:27:00.000-07:00

OK so now that the elections are over and the results have been announced, things are back to normal.

Crime rate is again going back up, Police personals are disappearing faster than you can sneeze, “ thief!” . But most importantly, the water and electricity supply is back to normal.

That is, their hitherto very disturbing and frankly scary continuous supply has been withdrawn and normality has been ensured. When the water taps had gotten more used to gathering dust or - when in the mood - supplying a trickle of water, the feel of having an ever present supply of water was very peculiar, to say the least.

So in our very best interests, the Bearded Raincloud (henceforth BRC), the thoroughly incompetent and sadly incumbent CM of my state has decided for a course correction and has deployed his minions to block the water supply and only allow a trickle to pass through. Only those areas shall receive sufficient amount of water supply where the people sing the praises of the BRC (weekly, mind you) and where they actually voted for the candidates of his party. But since his party’s state is now akin to that of a pounded and minced piece of beef throughout the sate, the whole state- insofar as I know- has been plagued by the supply -or the lack - of water.

Much to our sorrow though, the trails of water are nothing compared to the punishing trial imposed on the helpless citizen by the randomness of the electricity supply.

There once used to be a time when the electricity was 24x7 and there was no such thing as voltage fluctuation. I am of course referring to the pre-election period -and not to some bygone era- but ever since the decimation of BRC’s party (By the way, please feel free to make evil and funny full forms of the acronyms) he has decided to use most of the state’s power supply to power up the battery of his chainsaw which he shall use to turn himself into URC (Unbearded Raincloud).

Seriously though, is this how things shall be? Yes of course, for this is how it has been going on since god knows when. Is this how vindictive and pathetically petty a person can get? Someone who has been voted into power for the benefit of the people has been trusted with the power to work for their well being should not be such a moronic imbecile.

Someone should knock into his old age addled and well-padded mind that a government is by the people, of the people, FOR the people. So until I am able to find a stick big enough to stick up his well kissed arse and make him do his work properly (and get away with doing it too) I shall keep hoping that my brand of abuse and moralistic rhetoric shall somehow penetrate into his bubble and prickly( or at least tickle) his conscience awake.

Untill tomorrow people.

Sorry.

2009-05-23T11:36:00.000-07:00

In order to prevent Boss from giving someone a supari in my name( I hear that there are a lot of those kind of people there who do this kind of work), I shall apologize for not posting for I had been busy, collecting material and procrastinating.

Hence I would like to assure you people that the next few posts shall be good and they shall be on time.

I hope.

Untill tomorrow.

China : Smoke or Bust

2009-05-23T03:32:00.000-07:00

In what is possibly the saddest method used to improve a shaky economy, the Chinese government has ordered officials to smoke some 250,000 packs of cigarettes every year or be forced to pay a fine, says News.com

The idea is to boost the popularity of a local cigarette brand called Huanghelou, which is facing competition from other brands, while also obtaining funds via the cigarette tax. Catch is, if the targets are not met within a year, they'll start fining people for it.

Sometimes, I think the Chinese government has it right, what with the amazing job they did with the 2008 Beijing Olympics, and then I see bytes like this and any nice opinion just flies out of the window.

Then again, I totally get what they're trying to do here. The article does say that about one million people die every year in China due to smoking. So by encouraging this, China not only gets dough, but kinda helps reign in its population as well. As far as population control methods go, you can't beat this one.
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Salman Khan : Will Vote for Money

2009-05-23T03:14:00.000-07:00

Local badboy and consistent hypocrite, Salman Khan, who campaigned extensively for a bunch of parties at the same time (which makes you question his sanity anyway) pulled a really really really really really, and I can't stress this enough, really stupid pseudo-PR stunt that he supposed would relate him to the common masses - yeah, he made excuses for not voting.

Quiz Sallu about the reason he did not vote, he says, “It was not possible for me to take a flight from London to show that I voted.”

When he is given the example of his colleagues SRK and Aamir who made it a point fly from foreign locations just to vote, he said, “They have the time and money to do so which I do not have.”

So is voting not an important issue for Salman? he says, “The Government should make voting mandatory by punishing people who don’t do so and giving incentives to citizens to vote. I would come for that extra money.”

I like how he said he has no money. Firstly, it gives those people roaming around Mumbai for decades together a reason to not join Bollywood - it pays zilch. Then there's the fact that continuously being around vapid, underweight actresses gives you a sense of superiority that makes you look like a douche. And, finally, because I had to say it, gives men a reason not to get their ears pierced...
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Issues That Didn't Matter in the Election '09

2009-05-19T03:39:00.000-07:00

I stumbled cross this bulletin article on India-forums on the writer's take on the "Eight Issues That Didn't Matter in Campaign 2009" and I found that it hit home certain sides I just never thought about. Give it a read here: India-forums.com

:)

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Afghanistan's Only Pig Quarantined in Fear of Flu

2009-05-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

RUNNNNNNNNN!!!

A few years ago, China gifted Afghanistan a little piggy for the Kabul Zoo which became somewhat of an attraction in the strict Muslim nation where pork consumption is not permitted by religion. And now the animal has been locked up in a room so as to prevent people from thinking they'll catch the H1N1 virus from a pig that has neither been in contact with others of its kind or ever flown to Mexico.

More from Reuters:

KABUL - Afghanistan's only known pig has been locked in a room, away from visitors to Kabul zoo where it normally grazes beside deer and goats, because people are worried it could infect them with the virus popularly known as swine flu.
"For now the pig is under quarantine, we built it a room because of swine influenza," Aziz Gul Saqib, director of Kabul Zoo, told Reuters. "We've done this because people are worried about getting the flu."

Worldwide, more than 1,000 people have been infected with the virus, according to the World Health Organization, which also says 26 people have so far died from the strain.

"We understand that, but most people don't have enough knowledge. When they see the pig in the cage they get worried and think that they could get ill," Saqib said.

Makes sense. Why educate the common masses when you can just promote the usual prejudice, something we all know is easier to deal with?

Hey, I just got that feeling. You know, the kind you get when you roll your eyes so hard, your contact lens pop out? Awesome :)
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Bytes

2009-05-18T09:22:00.000-07:00

This is when I get too bored with the news for the day, or am too deeply engrossed in the Chennai-Kolkata match to care enough about anything else:

Byte 1:
Turns out, Prabhakaran? Really dead. Also, Tamil Nadu? Doesn't give a shit.

It's been some 24-odd hours since the news that the LTTE chief and his son were killed by the Lankan Army while attempting to escape, but there hasn't been any official news aired on ANY Tamil channel. Remember the last time the LTTE issue blew out of proportion (like a month ago) and the Tamil Nadu chief minister and self-proclaimed best buddy of Prabhakaran went on an all-out hunger strike of some six hours or so? Back then, they had that little tidbit of news of every Tamil channel that every existed, except on those belonging to his opponent. And now, his BFF gets shot to death, and no response?? Oh wait, I forgot. The elections are over.

Byte 2:
In more this-made-me spit-my-morning-coffee news, in response to the UPA's landslide victory *grumble* the sensex went kinda berseck. And by that, I mean shooting up by 2,110.79 points at 14,272.63 (17.34% up). The National Stock Exchange's Nifty shot up by 636.40 points at 4,308.05 (17.77%). And the most constructive solution to this (of course) was closing the stock market a mere minute after trading began.
I'm just worried how much this will sky-rocket again when the budget is introduced...

Byte 3:
Remember this? RR Patil's disapproving face won after all, since actor Akshay Kumar landed on Indian soil today and was immediately arrested on grounds of alleged obscene behaviour under articles 34 and 294 of the IPC. There was some obviously bored social worker at the Lakme Fashion Week who was kind enough to point out the fact that Kumar's wife unbuttoned *giggle* his jeans, even though his label tells him to do exactly that. What? He was just following what his multi-crore contract deal with Levi's was asking him to do.
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Swine Flew in !

2009-05-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

I couldn't resist that pun. I just couldn't resist it.

Well more importantly, the Indian government has succeeded again. As if they did not already have more than their fair share of problems- plus the neighbors share and then some- beating them on their collective head, the bovine heard that administrates the whole system contrived to give the Old Budia Party a gift for their win.

*Does his best Arnab Goswami impression*

We have, ladies and Gentlemen, been able to gain entry into the lofty enclaves of those hallowed halls comprising of those countries where the Swine flu case has been reported.

Indian Express has this to say......

New Delhi:
India on Saturday confirmed its first case of swine flu (H1N1 virus) in a 23-year-old man who arrived in Hyderabad from the US. The IT student whose samples confirmed positive for H1N1 virus has been put in isolation, and his co-passengers who departed New York on May 11 (Emirates Airline EK-202), transiting Dubai (Emirates airline EK-524) were being tracked.
“We have informed Dubai and New York health authorities through the World Health Organisation (WHO) about the case and informed them to track all those he might have passed on the infection to,” Health Secretary Naresh Dayal told The Sunday Express, confirming the case.
According to the Health Ministry officials, all the passengers who travelled in the connecting flight from Dubai to Hyderabad have been identified and they were being contacted through Integrated Disease Surveillance Project. “Their health status would be monitored. These passengers are also being advised to remain under quarantine for a period of seven days,” added ministry officials.

Bravo ! I say. So they have been able to track all his co-passengers and have advised them to remain under quarantine. When was the last time an Indian person did what he was advised to do ?

Now why am I so livid with these grass-grazing goat kissers ? Well I just had the honor of gracing the new and improved Indira Gandhi International Airport. My flight arrived at around 2 45 am along with two more flights, one of which came from China( I know so because the plane had mandarin printed on it. Ha! ).

So as we move towards the immigration counter,but unfortunately( just as it mostly happens on the roads here ) there is an impediment in our way. A temporary counter has been hurriedly-and truth be told, rather shabbily- been put in our way. It contains place for at least three medical officers.

Instead, a balding, hairy and shockingly obese person sits there abusing a chair, with the face mask hanging on his ear like a fashion accessory, one hand in the folds of his shirt, scratching his chest and generally giving off the air of a pimp lording about his street.

So then we fill these forms specifying that we have not visited any of the swine flu infected countries. He didn't' tell us that though. No Sir! Thats not in his job profile. Speaking to menial people like us is just too degrading for His Baldness. We got to know that only when some of were turned away from the immigration counter for not having our forms signed by the Chief Medical Officer.

But He didn't tell us that either. He was just there to give autographs. Soon there was a very Indian commotion around him. A herd of braying people had surrounded him and were asking him to sign their forms. And like a true Showman-cum-royalty that His Arse-ness is, he was signing each and every paper being thrust in front of his enormous nose.

Now I have heard from reliable sources that bacterias and flu viruses can travel almost 1 meter through the air. There was a freaking huge number of people surrounding him containing Indians from god knows where and Chinese from some where in china. At that time, a human case had already been confirmed there. They should have been separated from the start, they should have been checked separately. But NO! His holy Arseness kept signing the papers, as in a daze and without reading any of them.

Now does that not sound as if the aforementioned bovine heard actually wants the virus to spread ? Because otherwise, we can only assume that not only do they have the intelligence level of a goo, but they are also moronic imbeciles who should be slapped ten times a day just on general principal.

Hence I shall stop frothing and venting my spleen and shall conclude that our administrators have some hidden plan. Because the other possibility is good enough to make me consider bashing some heads.

I seem to be in a violent mood.

Prabhakaran May Have Killed Himself

2009-05-17T03:06:00.000-07:00

Was it the mustache? Is it shaming him?

Did LTTE chief Prabhakaran pull the gun on himself? Or did he just pop a vial of cyanide, a la Hitler. Or did Hitler shoot himself in the head? Ah, whatever. Any kind of death is still too gentle for this guy.

IBN News says:

Liberation Tiger of Tamil Eelam (LTTE) chief V Prabhakaran could be dead with Sri Lankan army sources telling CNN-IBN that his body has been recovered and is being taken to an army camp in Colombo.
Sri Lankan army sources say they have recovered 150 bodies of LTTE cadres but the bodies are still being identified.
According to reports all civilians held hostage by the LTTE have now been freed from the battle zone.
The report comes even as the Lankan government announced it had captured the final stronghold of the LTTE, and that the top LTTE leadership may have committed mass suicide.
"I am proud to announce... that my government with the total commitment of our armed forces, has in an unprecedented humanitarian operation, finally defeated the LTTE militarily," said Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapaksa.
The Lankan army claims to have intercepted LTTE messages of mass suicide of rebel leaders.

Well, if he really is dead, Rajapaksa would confirm that little piece of news in a separate byte, considering that would be the Lankan Army's biggest victory since... ever, and the fact that announcing it would bring down international pressure on them since they at least managed to kill the dude that started all this.

But do you want to know exactly why I don't believe this? 'Cause if it was true, Karunanidhi would have called his breakfast-to-lunch hunger strike again.

Election News - The Verdict

2009-05-16T10:25:00.000-07:00

Well, the results are in.

And The Empress says that The Puppet shall remain King. Big surprise. Like she wanted the pressure of the job. Better to pull the strings, don't you think ?

The Also Ran finally gives in and says that he shall lead no more. I kind of pity him. Always being the second-in-command must finally have had an effect on him. Even this time, the voice of the sycophants was shriller in proclaiming the Star Campaigner. Sigh !

The expelled Saint calls the leadership of his former party "narcissist".

His exact statement was, "the party is not stronger under him (the guy who kicked him out)" and added that "narcissistic leadership will not help".

Cat fight for retirees. Nice !

The smooth shaved Newbie pulled of a coup in UP. He says he would like to join the cabinet. somebody call mummy !

The regional parties have been made to eat their words. Lalu made a great show of doing it. The posturing and preening before the elections, then having to eat the humble pie. Entertaining to watch.

The good thing for us - no fractured mandate, loss of Left, a serious chance for a party to show that it can accomplish something. At least now they won't give us the normal excuse of being hamstrung by the demands of the allies.

That's all that my DBZ hammered brain can report at this moment.

My brief for today was to report only on the election.
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Intro!

2009-05-16T03:05:00.000-07:00

Ah, finally. Done with the biggest exam of my life. Yet.

Which calls for some good news: We have a new blogger on PIMM who, in his own honey-coated words, is a "certified genius and a bit of a hunk". Yeah, it's a guy.

Now why would we hire a boy (gasp) of all people? Are the Smartasses so desperate? Well, not really. He's just good at his work, and usually funny when he isn't being offensive. Just like us!

So here's introducing toon.from.hell! I'm guessing the name is a direct repercussion of all the Dragonball-Z he used to watch. And he'll be covering the election news for the rest of the day since I really need to go study for my future and stuff like that.
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A New Day. A New Kasab Piece.

2009-05-06T04:37:00.000-07:00

So this is Ajmal Amir Kasab's mugshot gracing my blog. I can't even bring myself to make any more comments, so here's what TimesNow.tv has to say:

After a Special court in Mumbai put 86 charges against the lone surviving terrorist of the 26/11 Mumbai attacks, Mohammad Ajmal Amir Kasav, he pleaded not guilty. In an effort to manipulate the law and make Kasav escape the death penalty, Kasav's lawyer, Abbas Kazmi, said that that Kasav was not waging war on India, but was trying to liberate Kashmir by committing terror acts on Mumbai.

The court framed charges against the 35 others accused including Faheem Ansari, Sabauddin Ahmed and Kasav. Kasav has been charged with unlawful activities, arms act, customs act, explosives act, foreigners act and prevention of damage to public property act, among others.

Reacting to the trial of Kasav, senior criminal lawyer Majid Memon said that undue importance has been given to the terrorist's claim.

WTF? 86 charges and he's still pleading 'not guilty'? And most of the Acts he's charged under seem so... blah. Customs Act? Unlawful activities? Damage to public property?? Now I'm not going to claim to know much about the law, but there should be some law that sums up everything a terrorist could possibly do and kick his ass back. This is off the top of my head, but I'm thinking... "That's for blowing up our city, you bastard, now you can go burn in hell for all eternity like a truck tire" Act. Just a thought.
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So... When They Say "The Best Job in the World"...

2009-05-06T04:20:00.000-07:00

...they totally mean it.

Southall, a British charity worker, beat over 34,000 applicants, including his final opponent, an Indian RJ Anjaan, to win a freaking $150,000 deal with Tourism Queensland to become the new caretaker of a tropical Australian island along the Great Barrier Reef.

So now not only does he get paid to promote the heritage site, he's going to living in a 30bedroom villa off the coast of Hamilton Island. A villa supplied with a private swimming pool and a buggy for travelling. Granted, he'll be stuck on the island for a while, but he gets to keep in touch with the rest of the world via a blog, and last I checked, that ain't so bad...

You'd be wondering, "why the hell is this post up here anyway? You can't really make any wisecracks on it." Well, the campaign's already made about AU$110 million in ads and publicity, so if all it takes is a post to save a bunch of natural corals that keep most of the Australian coast still bearable to live in, then who am I to argue?
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And It Just Took Five Months...

2009-05-03T03:57:00.000-07:00

News flash --- Turns out Ajmal Amir Kasab? Not a minor, after all!

DUN DUN DUNNN.

In other news, the guy also happens to be a terrorist.

*gasp*

Who'd have thought...?
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Who Else is Hoping This is Swine Flu?

2009-05-03T03:43:00.000-07:00

And also wishing that India runs out of TamiFlu just seconds before Karunanidhi is diagnosed with the disease? I wouldn't mind dying of a pandemic if it means I can take down some bloodthirsty politicians with me...

More from Rediff.com:

Tamil Nadu Chief Ministry and DMK chief M. Karunanidhi was on Sunday admitted to Apollo Hospital in Chennai due to high fevers, doctors said.

The 85-year-old leader was admitted to the hospital in the morning and is undergoing treatment. According to DMK sources, Karunanidhi also complained of severe back pain.

Karunanidhi, who underwent a major surgery for his back problem in February, has hit the campaign trail for the Lok Sabha elections only two days ago.

Is this guy trying to pull an MGR? MG Ramachandran (who was probably worshiped by your parents, if you're from the South) won an entire state assembly election with about twice the number of votes than Karunanidhi won, and all while he was in the hospital with a bullet in his neck. Call it sympathy votes, but the dude went on to win every election he stood in and the DMK had really no chance till he died in office. That, people, is called Charisma. And also the reason people like SRK would win if they contested
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Who'd Have the Heart to Kill That??

2009-05-03T02:54:00.000-07:00

News has been a little slow over the last few days. I mean, it's suddenly all swine flu this and swine flu that, so I'm desperately looking for something else to write about. And then I came across this:

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's team on tigers is meeting on Monday, just a couple of days after the latest tiger crisis.

The tigers have been wiped out of the Panna Reserve. A Central team visited the Panna reserve in Madhya Pradesh and reported that there was not a single male tiger left in the park.

The high level team is warning of a new crisis - tigers in south India could be equally vulnerable.

The alarming statistics paint a grim picture of a dwindling tiger population. Just recently, two tigresses from Bandhavgarh and Kahna national parks were brought to Panna to breed with male tigers, but none were found.

"I am not denying its poaching, but we have no proof for that. If there is poaching we have to find new ways of controlling poaching," said H S Pabla, Wildlife Conservator, Madhya Pradesh.

Poaching, encroachment on tiger habitat, or simply negligence -- today in India there are just 1,400 tigers left. Just 10 years back, the number was 4,000. India's National animal is on the verge of extinction.

What the hell?? What kind of a sick bastard would want to kill something so cute, and obviously so majestic?

I mean, awwwwwww.

So tigers are scary sometimes. But everyone's seen The Lion King right? The lions that are not dark in colour or named 'Scar' tend to be good lions. They kill just for food, since they respect the Circle of Life and stuff. Granted, the movie was about a bunch of lions, but tigers are cats too and way more cooler since stripes > messy manes.

Whoa! Who'd want to even approach this beast,
let alone try killing it?

And what sort of retarded tiger reserve would buy tigresses for breeding without checking if there were any male tigers left in the first place? Do they not understand the basics of mammalian reproduction? And why are we restricting ourselves to cloning sheep and dogs when there are clearly already millions of them? Sometimes, humanity pisses me off to the extent that I wish we had remained apes.

At least that way, we'd get along with the tigers...
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Dhoni Will Now Burn in Hell

2009-05-01T08:22:00.000-07:00

The Self-Proclaimed King of Everything, Amitabh Bachchan, was probably the one who caused the freak outbreak of swine flu all across the world, in retaliation to MS Dhoni's delayed response to his SMSs. Even Zen and the Art of Living describes that a sound life revolves around good food, sleep, exercise and morals. And the continuous appeasement of the Bachchans.

Here's the snippet from Bachchan's blog on BigAdda:

"Knowing his closeness to Dhoni, I complain to John (Abraham) about Mahi not responding to the message of greeting I had sent him on his decoration of the Padma Shri. He says he shall connect me immediately right away. I stop him. Ask him to look up at the TV - Chennai is playing Royal Rajasthan and Dhoni is very much on the field - IN SOUTH AFRICA !!
I had wished Harbhajan too on his Padma Shri and we had spoken to each other about my message to Mahi. He had ,even, graciously passed on my greetings to him. But still no response. Must have been busy. John has given me his mobile now and said he shall have a word with him on this. No sweat. So long as Dhoni keeps whacking the hell out of the opposition, I am fine."

Uhh, Mr. King? Has the fact that the Chennai Super Kings were being thrashed to their last hair completely managed to escape your attention? Maybe he was busy, I dunno, because he actually wanted to be on the field for the shitload of money he was paid. The money he got to play. Play. Not to respond to messages congratulating him for a Padma Shri he didn't want/accept since he has enough dignity and self-respect to stay away from national awards that are presented to people like Akshay Kumar and Helen for their "unparalleled contribution to cinema and the arts".

Or maybe he just anticipated their antics (below) at their polling booth on the 30th of April in Mumbai (Juhu?). I like the "don't mess with me" look that Abhishek is throwing at the cameraman. If you get rid of the shades, you could feel his eyes screaming at you, "Get me emancipated from this family NOW!!"

Guess Who's Being a Diva?

2009-05-01T07:57:00.000-07:00

No no. It's not Kareena Kapoor this time. But it's someone is much closer to our hearts (and by that, I refer to the cardiac-wrenching pain you get every time you see this guy in the news) - yeah, it's Ajmal Kasab again.

Till now, he followed the general trend of requesting for toothpaste, Urdu newspapers, a copy of his 11,000 page chargesheet in Urdu. And when it looked like the court was going to comply, he gave a shifty grin, tipped his cowboy hat low over his head and said in a husky voice imitating Clint Eastwood, "I'd like some Chanel perfume with that."

You know. To go with that Versace T-shirt. Brands are everything - that's the first lesson they taught in terrorist school.

More from NDTV, because even if I hate it, they still do report stuff for me to ridicule:

Day 8 into the 26/11 trial comes captured 26/11 terrorist Ajmal Qasab's wish list: Toothpaste, Urdu newspapers.. standard requests in all trials. But the most surprising one here is 'perfume'.
Says Qasab's lawyer Abbas Kazmi: "Perhaps his cell is stinking because he has to answer nature's call there."

Qasab has also asked for the money found on him when he was arrested to be transferred to a jail account for his use.

When asked by the judge what he read in Pakistan, Qasab said Nawa-e-Waqt. Qasab also wants the police to allow him to get out of his cell for a quick walk.

In a letter written to his lawyer in Urdu, he says: "The police need not worry because that verandah is closed on all 4 sides. That is why I should be allowed to walk for some time. Staying in one room I might develop some psychological problems and things should not go out of hand."

All I can say is: I hate those human rights activists. What happened to those days when we could just hang a guy from a tree under suspicions that he was a pirate or a traitor or something? We should bring those ideals back. Sure, it'll throw democracy out of the window, but hey, our preamble says we're already secular and socialist, so who are we to deny the constitution, right?

I'd Kill for his Job

2009-05-01T04:44:00.000-07:00

It's been some 100-odd days since a black dude became the "leader" of the "free world" and the most Barack Obama has done is condemn a couple of Arab countries for a whole bunch of crap. That, and adopting a dog. And posing for magazines. If that doesn't convince kids to join politics, what else would?

Anywho, from NDTV - snippets of Obama speech on the 100th-day anniversary of his appointment into the freaking White House:

In an extraordinary censure of the civilian government of Pakistan, US President Barack Obama on Thursday described it as "very fragile" and not seeming to have the capacity to deliver even basic services to its people.

As a consequence, it is very difficult for the government to gain the support and the loyalty of the people, Obama said in unusual remarks.

"I'm more concerned that the civilian government there right now is very fragile and don't seem to have the capacity to deliver basic services -- schools, health care, rule of law, a judicial system that works for the majority of the people," Obama said in a prime-time news conference marking the 100-day of his presidency.

Pakistan's government is fragile? Schools, health care and enforcement of law are basic services? And it took months of speculation and internet geek-wars between McCain and Obama supporters and the biggest inauguration ceremony ever to get to this conclusion? My brother would have told you the same thing, and he's twelve.

I can't believe I'm saying this --- but Chidambaram would be better any day.

*retch*

Didn't Expect This

2009-05-01T03:29:00.000-07:00

While the actual team members are having their perfectly proportioned backsides kicked, the rest of Team KKR doesn't seem to be doing all that well either. Remember that dreadful "reality" show where SRK picked a bunch of overtly peppy schoolgirls with the promise of their fifteen minutes of obviously well-deserved fame? Yeah, turns out they can't really have those fifteen minutes after all.

Nothing is going right for SRK. Not only is his IPL team Kolkatta Knight Riders facing one humiliating defeat after another, now he has to send back the cheerleaders who had been selected to encourage his team during matches.

Sourav Ganguly and a team of judges had zeroed in on six girls who would travel with the team to South Africa and be the cheerleaders for KKR. This selection was done through a reality TV show on NDTV Imagine called Knights and Angels. Therefore, Sanna, Samyukta, Ritika, Ananya, Sunanda and Rupali went all the way to Cape Town, hoping to show off their talent to the entire world. But like everyone associated with KKR they were in for disappointment.

Reports say that security personnel disallowed any outsiders to be on the field, and as a result, only South African girls could be cheerleaders for the tournament. It is reported that SRK tried every possible maneuver to get these girls their due, but all attempts failed. Now that KKR's fate in the IPL looks shaky, the girls are being sent back home.

To make things worse, it seems there might be some payment issues involved and the contract these girls signed may also be null and void.

The only consolation was that the girls got to share SRK's VIP box to watch the matches. But after weeks of grueling routines and competition, this isn't very much.

Hold the phone! Ganguly was present at this jig? Why wasn't he practicing with the rest of his team? Was this his own form of personal revenge for not being chosen as the sole captain? Is KKR losing because of some conspiracy on his part? Has he changed his spectacles yet? 'Cause I though being a famous cricketer and all helped speed along the income generation. So why no contacts, Saurav? Too many questions, too few PR people.

P.S. This article had some 20-odd spelling errors. You'd think NDTV could afford a document software with a spell checker...
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Whoops

2009-04-29T08:18:00.000-07:00

Hello, all!

Sorry for not posting for so long, but some things have been keeping me occupied.

Like the fact that we may soon have another smartass-in-writing on this blog, and while I can make no promises, I'm freaking excited too.

So, I leave you, with these so-cute-you-want-to-hug-it-to-the-point-of-strangling-it pictures of kittens in a basket! And who doesn't like kittens with large eyes and adorable whiskers, huh?

-Over and out-
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Rahul Gandhi: Not Ready to be PM

2009-04-25T04:50:00.000-07:00

At least he has the decency to admit he doesn't quite have the necessary qualifications to be a PM just yet, even as his entire family, and the rest of the Congress, is hell bent on making sure he's the next PM candidate. It's sounds like a Shakespearean tragedy, where a man must choose between his family pressures and appearing sane to the public with his dignity intact.

He stated there were two reasons he wouldn't accept the PM post just yet:

"One is that I am working in the organisation of the Congress party which I think is fundamental for this country. I think it is very important for a strong, progressive, pro-poor youth organisation is developed in this country and that is a very, very big priority of mine.

"Number two is I don't think I have the experience to be the Prime Minister of the country right now," he said.

He earned a gold star in my book for that. But then he had to open his mouth again and say this:

Gandhi struck an aggressive note on being quizzed about the Bofors controversy and the 1984 anti-Sikh riots and whether he was prepared to apologise for them.

"There is absolutely nothing that I have to apologise about Bofors. It is a complete lie," he said adding that the controversy was a "calumny" spread by the Opposition for 20 years.

Rahul also hit out at the BJP blaming them of Babri Masjid demolition.

"Babri Masjid was broken by the politics of BJP. It was broken by the politics of division, it was broken by dividing Indians against Indians."

Striking the opposition for their mistakes, yet not willing to accept your own party's errors shows that he has a lot more growing up to do. Especially when both the incidents were proven to have a major Congress hand, just as the Babri Masjid incident was pinned on the BJP.

Ah, well, that's just the Congress influence for you...
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I Love Him, But I Adore Blacklighting Him Even More

2009-04-25T04:42:00.000-07:00

SRK might be forcefully removed from stadium grounds if he's caught smoking at the IPL matches again, and there's no way he can hide that since the cameras pan on him more often than on his own team. Here's more from NDTV.com:

The National Organisation for Tobacco Eradication (NOTE), has protested against filmstar Shahrukh Khan who was shown on the TV screen smoking during an IPL match on April 21 in South Africa.

NOTE has asked the South African National Council Against Smoking (NCAS) to consider the issue seriously and stop smoking in the stadium during Indian Premier League matches.

"I chatted with them and sent details and motivation to the supersport. They are the broadcasters. I am soliciting an agreement that they will not show anyone smoking," Peter Ucko from NCAS has informed NOTE.

NOTE General Secretary Shekhar Salkar said that they had contacted NCAS to explore possible advocacy that can be coordinated in South Africa after King Khan was shown puffing on a television screen.

The NCAS in their reply has said that the Act which will ban smoking in sport stadium is not yet in force.

He said that smoking is not permitted in an enclosed area and if Khan does it again I am asking management to tell him that if he fails to comply they will remove him from the grounds, he said.

Poor guy. I say the guy should custom-design a plastic bubble for himself to he can smoke in peace. The addictive haze of poisonous tobacco smoke is pretty much the only thing holding him back from screaming like a girl every time the KKR loses.
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On Request

2009-04-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

A friend asked me to do a piece on the recent Akriti Bhatia controversy, expecting my usual cynicism on the topic. But frankly, it hardly calls for any sarcastic remarks, not just because it would be distasteful, but since it's already a very obvious issue that we know prevails, but very few attempt to fix. My own school had terribly unhygienic bathrooms, a nurse who would make you pay for sanitary napkins and an administration that just never quite cared if you were genuinely sick, since it was a generalized notion that all kids tend to fake illnesses to skip class. That was the degree of trust and responsibility the school had over the kids. And we just couldn't care less, never bothering to complain about it or pose it as a serious issue so that it can be rectified.

I also found certain facts quite odd, one being that Akriti was not in possession of an asthma spray. Every child who is diagnosed with asthma is required to carry the mouth spray around for a temporary relief in case of an attack so that they can at least request help. And it is true that not all schools are given nebulizers since it is required that they be used with caution and in the most severe of emergencies. It is also not possible for all schools to have an on-call doctor since the doctor-patient ratio in the country is already at a pathetic number.

Further, many facts still remain unclear, like those of the exact time taken since she went to the school clinic to when she reached the hospital, and whether she complained of a discomfort or recognized that it was an asthma attack.

I'm quite sick of cynicism at this point, especially when it comes to school-related controversies such as slow medical attention and ragging. They are definitely issues to deal with, but when the media highlights to such a point that it stands on the knife edge that wavers between the duty of a journalist and the disgusting lack of media ethics, you tend to sit back and wonder how cases involving humiliation and pain for the parties concerned can be so blatantly projected, just to take full advantage of a little necessary evil called 'freedom of the press'.
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I Can't Believe I Forgot!

2009-04-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

The Unofficial Personification of Sex Appeal, Mr. Dev Patel, turned 19 yesterday and I missed out on that because I was too busy eating cake at my own brother's birthday party. He turned 12, by the way. It's a year late, but we're expecting his Hogwarts acceptance letter pretty soon.

Anyhotness, I still can't get over how Frieda Pinto is sticking onto my Dev. I get it, she's going international now. She has a makeup label that's dumping Gwyneth Paltrow for her and she's snagged a movie with Woody Allen, but seriously, woman, HANDS OFF!

By the way, these two were spotted canoodling in Tel Aviv where Pinto is shooting for her next movie. Sometimes I think there's just no justice in the world...
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He Beat Me To It

2009-04-23T07:03:00.000-07:00

I can't believe someone beat me to my dream of becoming a secret blogger report from the depths of an IPL team. Dammit!

So this blogger, who is allegedly part of the Kolkata Knight Riders, had been spraying venomous words about the IPL all over the internet, something I've always wanted to do, but never quite accomplished. Some say this is because I am far too awesome to succumb to petty efforts like his. But I'd wager it has something to with my complete lack of hand-eye coordination and general suckiness in organized sports that prevented me from joining KKR and spilling the IPL's deep, dark secrets.

Then again, we have people like SRK who talk so much that there isn't much news to report, so the job would have been a futile one.
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Another Day Highlighting a Good Cause...

2009-04-22T02:19:00.000-07:00

...that proves insignificant when compared to the economy, your job, your education, your mortgaged home and the cute guy next door who accidentally smiled at you this morning.

Cleverly Photoshopped images, like the one above, tend to trigger your tear glands and make you, temporarily, sympathize with poor, burdened Mother Earth. And a few moments later when you find out that the Kolkatta Knight Riders won their second IPL match this year (worthless win, though), the fact that the planet might become a ball of floating ash and dust in a few years hardly frazzles you.

Why this nonsense, you ask? Well, today happens to be Earth Day, not to be mistaken by World Environment Day, which is marked on June 5th. Or Arbor Day, on the last Friday of every April. Or the Bike-to-Work Day, third Friday in May. Or the Car-Free Day, September 22nd. Or World Habitat Day, first Monday of October. Or Zero Emissions Day, September 20th. Or Day for Water, March 22nd. Or Ecological Debt Day, September 23rd. Or Ozone Action Day, which happens at select times of select months that no one knows about.

Maybe life would be easier for environmentalists and the people they are trying to convince if they just had one freaking Earth Day and instead of lecturing people to be kind to Mamma Earth on that one day, just advocate everyday as one. Not that anyone is going to listen, but it's worth a shot.
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Cheap Shot

2009-04-22T01:06:00.000-07:00

The Naxals wanted attention. And congrats, losers, now you have it.

Jharkhand seems to be bearing the immense brunt of the Naxal's fury as a series of tragic events have been taking place there prior to the second phase of the elections which is to start tomorrow. At around 7.30am today morning, around 200 Naxals hijacked a train on its way from Barkakana to Mughalsarai. Security forces were rushed to the area and after a few hours of total disarray, no thanks to the utter lack of a plan (except, you know, "storming in and rescuing everyone heroically") and the frenzy caused by national news channels, the Naxals obviously got bored and released the 700 or so passengers. Well, they got the media coverage they needed, didn't they?

This attack (I guess) comes after a series of public assaults by the Naxalites, preceded by the bomb blast at Utari railway station, just a few minutes before the Rajdhani Express was scheduled to pass. Several bomb blasts and small instances of violence have also been reported in Bihar.

A quick Wikipedia search says that over 6000 civilians and police employs have been killed (ruthlessly, I might add) at the hands of the Naxals. Sometimes, I still don't get what the hell they're trying to convey. Are the against the government, or just certain policies? Are the against general public welfare, or they supporting it, 'cause killing hundreds of thousand of people doesn't really qualify as 'public welfare' in my books. Are they aliens, just waiting to kill of minorities and random citizens one by one, before taking over.. uhh.. India? Or maybe just North-east India, Bengal and Bihar. Or are they fighting against democracy in general?

Oh, who cares? We've given them more than enough attention already *grumbles*
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Israel Owns All. End of Story.

2009-04-20T23:23:00.001-07:00

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Despite how so many people pretend to support Palestine, even as they are awed by Israel's military and administrative superiority that, I assume, is incomparable, the recent UN anti-racism conference in Geneva (April 20th) makes me wonder if people really are thinking this through or just going with the flow, just as a majority of mankind does.

An international conference on racism fell into disarray as Iran's president launched a verbal onslaught against Israel, triggering a mass walkout and furious rebukes from Western capitals.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who has previously called for the Jewish state to be wiped off the map, criticised the creation of a "totally racist government in occupied Palestine" in 1948, calling it "the most cruel and repressive racist regime.
"The UN Security Council helped stabilise this occupation regime and supported it for the past 60 years, giving them a free hand to continue their crimes," he said.
United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon, who had earlier berated countries for boycotting the meeting, accused the Iranian leader of incitement, while other Western leaders lined up to condemn his remarks.
"I deplore the use of this platform by the Iranian president to accuse, divide and even incite," Ban said in a statement. "This is the opposite of what this conference seeks to achieve."
The United States, which led 10 countries in boycotting the meeting, said the furore vindicated the decision by the countrys first African-American president to shun the UN conference on racism in Geneva.
-Indiatvnews.com

So far, Israel, Canada, the United States, Italy, Australia, New Zealand, the Neatherlands, Germany, Poland, and the Czech Republic have boycotted the session. Ten nations out of some 190-odd countries participating in the summit. The rest of the world still remains stuck to their seats in the conference, even as it has evolved into an ugly scene of hate and pro-racist drama. Goes to show that herd-mentality is a still a force to be reckoned with.
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You Go, Girl!

2009-04-20T23:01:00.000-07:00

You go, girl: A phrase commonly used by minority female characters in a B-list Hollywood movie to symbolize feminism in their community while stereotyping minority groups in general.

For those of you who have been living under a rock over the last week or so (I was on holiday, so I don't count), Sanjay Dutt has given a little monologue to UP chief minister Mayawati, which was meant to make people relate to him, you know, as an actor:

Actor turned politician Sanjay Dutt has landed in another controversy.
This time he made an offer of a jadu ki jhappi (magical hug) to Uttar Pradesh chief minister Mayawati.
Sanjay Dutt, “I haven't come here to give a speech, mos1 I've come here to do 'Gandhigiri', I will give Mayawati jaadu ki jhappi, and a big kiss.”

In the film, Munnabhai's gesture would turn enemies into friends, but the belligerent behenji of the BSP is not the sort who turns the other cheek and clearly is no fan of Munnabhai's Gandhigiri either.

Considering how Mayawati has already proved herself to be quite badass (even more so than Phoolan Devi) and could take down Cokehead Dutt in seconds, it was not-so-surprising when she came out with a byte so polite that it hurt, while issuing a police notice in his name:

Mayawati saw this as an opportunity to score political points against her rival camp Samajwadi Party (SP) and decided that this was too sexist a remark for her to ignore in keeping with the jee huzoori in UP.
The Pratapgarh DM has promptly served a notice to Sanjay Dutt asking him to explain himself within 24 hours.
The District Magistrate has also asked the police to investigate if the matter requires a case to be registered against Dutt junior.

She also hit out with this:

"My political opponents have no good work to their credit and are demoralised over the BSPs growing popularity. Hence, they are now gathering people who are good at little except singing, dancing and "farzi" fake Gandhigiri", the BSP supremo told an election meeting in Allahabad.
Without naming Dutt or the Samajwadi Party which has made the actor its General Secretary, she said, "Our political opponents need to remember that naachne-gaane wale those who sing and dance, through their farzi Gandhigiri, may attract huge crowds but will not help them get votes".

Wow, dude. Heard your wife stormed out to the Bahamas or something. I'd join her if I were you, 'cause I'm sensing a lot of pissed-off UP people will be marching towards your home in a few days, and it might not necessarily be for a jaadu ki jhappi.

Ref: Timesnow.tv and Indiatvnews.com
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Sonia: Advani slave to RSS

2009-04-20T09:30:00.000-07:00

If looks could kill...

Sonia Gandhi loves involving herself in conversations that never included her in the first place. Which is why when the current PM and the next BJP PM hopeful had a tiff with some embarrassingly childish insults, Ms.Gandhi felt a dire need to respond even as she wasn't asked a question. I think it's a family problem, even Priyanka can't keep her mouth shut.

NDTV:

Stepping up attack on NDA's Prime Ministerial candidate L K Advani for his weak PM remarks against Manmohan Singh, Congress president Sonia Gandhi said on Saturday that the BJP leader himself "cannot take any decision without the approval of Sangh Parivar".

"The leader (Advani) who has targeted our Prime Minister, can he ever take a decision without the approval of Sangh Parivar? He even had to quit his post once. Then you know who is weak," she said.

"Congress does not run on the instruction or order of anybody. It takes its orders from people," she told an election rally in Pangidi.

Gandhi had on April 15 alleged that the BJP leader was a "slave of the RSS", while dismissing his oft-repeated charge of Manmohan Singh being a weak Prime Minister.

She ridiculed BJP's charges of the UPA being "soft on terror", saying her party has never been weak in fighting terrorists.

As a note, the RSS stands for Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh, a non-profit charity organization that every member in the BJP is part of by default. They've done some pretty good work and are obviously a force to be reckoned with.

And it's funny that this byte is to boost the image of Manmohan Singh, who from what everyone knows, obviously consults Sonia for everything. I mean, the guy holds the most powerful position in the country (besides, you know, the Tatas, Ambanis and SRK) and he still lets his deputy walk before him for public meetings and conferences? If he has an inkling of self-respect, he would call her out on it and ask her to, please, madam, follow MY lead, since I am YOUR leader and definitely not the other way round.

It's a shame that we're losing good men to the dictating principles of hierarchy that still forms such a major part of our administration.

(Insert Lame Salman Khan Joke Here)

2009-04-20T09:04:00.000-07:00

Remember the guy who shot at black buck deers, ran over street dwellers, verbally assaulted famous ex-girlfriends and starred in the disaster that was Hello? Yeah, well he's gotten crazier than was earlier predicted.

Salman Khan, or Sallu as Bombay Times affectionately refers to him, has recently been out of his protected studios to campaign for friends who are standing for the elections. On Sunday morning, he arrived at Nashik to support NCP candidate Sameer Bhujpal. A few hours before that he evoked utter chaos at a rally for Satyajit Gaekwad. And on the 9th of April, we flew to Punjab to show his support to fellow actor Vinod Khanna.

Who are members of the NCP, the Congress and the BJP respectively.

I appreciate his efforts, especially when a certain other Khan is partying it up in South Africa with the cheerleaders and general Indian national cricket team rejects. And in his defense, he said that he was campaigning for his friends and not for a party in particular. But in times like this you have to ask, is Salman Khan a loyal friend-in-need or just politically messed up due to accidentally shooting himself in the head with his hunting rifle?
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I'm Blaming Palak for This

2009-04-20T04:28:00.000-07:00

I really hate her.

A nine-year-old boy who I won't name on this blog, recently imitated a stunt on one of the Roadies - Hell Down Under episodes. You know, the one where Palak and the other chick have nooses around their necks, waiting for Nauman to rescue them.

The child's uncle said, "He watched the episode on the third floor of our house along with his friends and tried to imitate the stunt after his friends left. After hearing a loud noise, I rushed to the room and found Chandan hanging from the ceiling fan." (Source: NDTV)

Also, Inspector Jaganath Saroj, Vikas Nagar police station, said: "According to his uncle, Bhagat Singh, with whom he used to live in the Vikas Nagar locality, Chandan never missed any episode of the show."

I'm not going to pull a crack at reality television and how it's ruining us, since you already know all that. Instead, I'm going to wish the boy peace and hope this doesn't continue to happen.
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Shh! It's Not Really a Spy Satellite

2009-04-20T03:21:00.000-07:00

Even though it totally is. Introducing RISAT-2, the Radar Imaging Satellite weighing 200-kg, carried by PSLV-C12, along with 40-kg micro educational satellite ANUSAT. It lifted off from ISRO's Satish Dhawan Space Centre at about 6:45 am and placed into 550 km orbit around earth.

RISAT, in all seriousness, is one hell of a cyborg-satellite. It can take images of objects on Earth as small as one metre in length, so siting a terrorist or something would be a piece of cake. It will be very helpful in detecting natural disasters (all except earthquakes. That only animals can do) and assist in preparation and mitigation. Also, it is the satellite equivalent of your best friend peeping into your personal drawers and uncovering your deepest, darkest secrets, but involving the infringement of the privacy of foreign countries. Oh, well, if the US can do it, then Yes, We Can too. See that? That was a delicately placed jibe at Obama. I crack myself up!

But keep the news hush, 'cause the ISRO chief, Madhavan Nair, doesn't want anyone to know its true nature. He said to Times of India:

"This is an imaging satellite that can identify features on ground. There is nothing as a spy satellite. Though the satellite has a global coverage we will use it only for our use."

Dude, you just described a spy satellite in the most polite way possible.

I rest my case.
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This is Unacceptable!

2009-04-20T02:39:00.000-07:00

Wow, I just sounded all posh and everything.

I was flipping channels on TV, quite obviously bored, and I chanced upon a press conference with BJP's spokesperson, Arun Jaitley. Being a lawyer and a superhero with words, I really like the guy and sat down to watch it when Times Now cut right across to one of their pretty intern correspondents. She was talking about the IPL.

I skipped to NDTV News: IPL.

Headlines Today: IPL.

CNN-IBN: IPL.

CNBC: IPL.

BBC: IPL (??? Don't they have any British news to report?)

So since when did T-20 cricket gain an upper hand over the elections? I'm guessing it was around the time news channels with their sensational, and as Arnab Goswami would put it, 'exclusive', news footage graced our television sets.
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Snapshots

2009-04-17T08:36:00.000-07:00

Click to enlarge

This is the Sports section of Times Now, a news site that sucks just as much as its mother television channel. And every news article released over the last few days have all been based on the IPL.

In comparison to the three random articles that ran when the hockey team won the Azlan Shah Cup.

It's an IPL frenzy. And an ironic one, since it isn't even taking place in India. Do you realize that Lalit Modi has flown out more than two thousand Indians, including the team owners, sponsors, players and crew? To thousand Indians lost, two thousand votes lost. Prominent personalities like Tendulkar, SRK and many others might not be voting this year, and since they influence so many people, we'll have probably lost the voters they could have convinced too. The current voting rate is at about 58-62% and even a thousand people can make a reasonable difference.

It's also quite funny (and I mean banging-head-on-table-funny, not haha-funny) how Lalit Modi was depressed that the League was not going to be held in India. You know, considering he's so patriotic and all. But now that he's stolen about two thousand votes from the same India he loves so much, perspectives might change.
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Let's Analyse: Kasab's Wikipedia Page

2009-04-17T08:23:00.000-07:00

Yep. That's how famous the guy is. He has his own Wikipedia page.

It starts very nicely, by giving his full name and then talking about how his family is a line of butchers, before going into the fact that he's in Indian custody for coldblooded murder. The then go on to list the 200-odd names he has, which caused a major confusion since Times Now had reported 'Kasab' and NDTV stated it was 'Qasab', while the rest of India weeped over how pathetic our media and communication system is. And I personally enjoyed how they put up a little flag of Pakistan right next to his birth place and nationality, kind of to bring home the fact that, hey, Zardari, how much ever you deny it, he IS from your land.

If you're in the mood for crying black tears, please check this out.
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The Cell Advantage

2009-04-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

My cousin called a huge family meeting today (over an STD conference call, but it still counts) and announced, to no one's surprise, that she's totally knocked up :)

Which means... I'm gonna be an aunt! I'm growing up!

Which also means, all my biology lectures from secondary school will finally prove useful, and being the only other girl child in the family, I must pass on certain valuable information to her.

And being a human being in general, I must pass on the following to you :)

Stem cells are considered the pioneering science to a healthier life for millions of children and adults. Stem cells are cells that are in their generative form when the foetus is still in the womb. These cells are found in the umbilical cord connecting which provides nutrients from mother to child and have been found to be in the initial stages at which all human cells are before differentiating into those specific cells required by different organs of the body. In short, if collected at the right time, they can be used to reconstruct many basic organs in case a transplant or treatment for terminal diseases is required.

And if that doesn't spell a secure life for your children, I don't know what does.

The Life Cell International initiative helps parents-to-be to register with them, with a fee of Rs.75000 for storage of umbilical cord blood for up to 21 years. A questionnaire based on the parents' medical and sexual history has to be filled along with their particulars and sent to the mentioned address. Upon commencement of labour, a special kit is sent to the hospital registered for birth and the doctors are advised on the needful prior to the delivery. Once the blood is collected, it is couriered to their Keelakottaiyur lab in Chennai for cryo-storage.

I'm definitely younger than my sister, but I don't feel ashamed to remind her about such measures. And neither should you. Pass on the message. Just because.
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Kasav's Mom is Expected to Drop In...

2009-04-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

His mom must be so proud...

This just in: Pranab Mukherjee, the External Affairs Minister, just announced that Ajmal Amir Kasav, also known as the certified lunatic who murdered scores of innocent civilians during the Mumbai seize, is going to be having a special visitor: his mother is coming to town. Won't they look so precious together for the media, one big happy family in the highest security prison in the state? I can almost smell the barf that will be projecting from my stomach when I see this again tomorrow in the papers.

I'm all for family reunions. I really am. But not so much when it's for a delusional, murdering psychopath who effectively split our nation into tiny fragments of immense shame and dejection as we all pranced around to his and his associates' fancy whim to participate in a bloodbath massacre.

Why is Mukherjee allowing family visits for a terrorist, a disgusting piece of an excuse for humanity? His case has been pushed back for so long, and these reports are falling in even as his case has been scheduled to start tomorrow. The news aired first on Times Now, and Shinjoy Chaudry, Senior Editor of Times Now, stated that this can be considered as good news since it confirms that Kasav is from Pakistan.

...
...
...
...
...

Aww, Pumpkin. You're missing one tiny little fact. This is Pakistan we're talking about. If they went out of their way to reject Kasav and all his cronies as Pakistani citizens, then it's just going to take Zardari and Gilani a few seconds to organize a fancy press conference and say that Kasav's 'mother' isn't a Pakistan citizen either. Then you're back to square one, kid.

So while this drama enfolds, I'm going to go see if I can renounce my own Indian citizenship stating 'utter shame' as my excuse.
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Because This is So Necessary Right Now

2009-04-14T06:35:00.000-07:00

It seems like Bollywood isn't all that happy about being left out of the spotlight, which has recently been focused on national politics for some very obvious reasons. Now, I understand the industry's desperate need to be the focus of attention all the time, but this is just ridiculous - Mukesh Bhatt just managed to snag a visit with the Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, to discuss the whole producer-multiplex fiasco. Oh, please. Like the PM is free long enough to actually reserve a spot on his busy schedule of campaigning for a -

Oh, wait. He is. More from India-Forums:

Mumbai, April 13 (IANS) In the wake of the Bollywood producers-multiplex tiff over revenue sharing, filmmaker Mukesh Bhatt met Prime Minister Manmohan Singh here Monday to discuss various issues concerning the film industry.
'I met the prime minister today (Monday) and discussed with him various issues that are affecting the industry today,' Bhatt, who is the chairman of the United Forum for Bollywood Producers and Distributors, told IANS.

'I told him that Bollywood is the biggest entertainment industry in the world after Hollywood and it also has a major cultural impact in various parts of the world, especially in South East Asia. So, our industry should be looked at by the government carefully,' Bhatt said.

'I have requested him to form a dedicated and experienced panel to look into the day-to-day working of the industry and tackle the issues in a legitimate manner without any bias, otherwise the industry would surely be extinct some day, ' he said.

As for the prime minister's response Bhatt said: 'He was very welcome to the idea. He said he can't do much as of now due to the elections. He said he would 100 percent help us and support us with such a panel if he comes to power. And I hope that happens soon.'

Though the point of discussion was primarily the revenue sharing between producers and multiplexes, Bhatt says he wanted to convey to the prime minister the need for government intervention in such matters.

You know what? The Congress should strike out 'alleviating poverty', 'promoting education', 'appeasing minorities' and 'fixing the economy' and just go ahead and add 'help the snobbish retards in the film industry' to their manifesto. That'll definitely get them votes.

Aamir Khan Offers to Clean Your Bathroom

2009-04-14T05:21:00.000-07:00

Well, not technically your bathroom, but he's willing to mop up the stinky restroom floors of your favourite single screen theaters.

And that too not by his hand.

Now this post seems to be no fun writing at all...

Anywho, from NDTV Movies:

In demonstration of solidarity for the producers who are united in their battle with the multiplexes, Aamir Khan has now gone a step ahead. He has even offered to clean toilets in single screen theaters and make them hygienic enough for the audience to come in.

This drastic step comes in the light of current situation in the industry where producers may well abandon multiplexes and release their films only in single screens if the stand off with multiplexes persists.

"I was literally shocked when I heard that. For someone like Aamir Khan to make a statement like this is a big enough message for all of us out here", says Vashu Bhagnani with whom Aamir shared this idea of his.

Aamir made this statement in light of Vashu's production Kal Kissne Dekha which has been postponed due to the ongoing tussle with the multiplexes. A launch pad of Jackky Bhagnani and Vaishali Desai, this was the only film that was all set to be released and it's promotion too had kick started before the strike was announced.

Gee, here I was thinking he was doing this for public benefit while it's all actually in the name of friendship. Not that the motive isn't admired. Though I would have appreciated it more if my closest movie theater's bathrooms were clean because Aamir wanted me to have a safe and hygienic nature's call.

It's a good thing I just go to multiplexes then.
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A Rant That Turned Out to be Much More

2009-04-13T10:23:00.000-07:00

Recently, the BJP candidate for PM, L.K.Advani, challenged the current PM, Manmohan Singh, to a live debate before the elections for the general public to grasp exactly what each party's propaganda is (without the media misconstruing everything) and to effectively decide who to vote for. This was widely appreciated by most sane, normal people with a sense of respect for themselves and their nation, while the Congress was completely against it. One might say this was because they just wished to prevent social awakening. Or maybe since they don't wish to comply with foreign standards of fair election campaigning. Or maybe, and it's most probably this one, their candidate has always proven to be an inefficient orator and an even worse politician.

Which are considered bad traits in a man who wishes to occupy the top-most government position of power in the entire country.

So today, in retaliation, Singh gave the following quotes. From NDTV.com:

With just about a day left before campaigning ends, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Monday attacked leader of the Opposition LK Advani saying that his strength lies in speech and not action.

Speaking in Mumbai, the Prime Minister said, "I am not a sloganeer. Unlike the NDA's prime ministerial candidate I will not be found weeping in a corner while hoodlums teat down a centuries old mosque, nor would I be found wringing my hands in frustration when one of my chief ministers condones a pogrom targeted at minorities."

Manmohan also said that he will certainly not say things in Pakistan that will offend every Indian and then abandon his stand when it becomes politically inconvenient within his party.

"Mr Advani has the unique ability to combine strength in speech with weakness in action. This is not the strength we need," he said.

The Prime Minister also termed BJP chief Rajnath Singh's statement as total lie that he, as the then Leader of the Opposition in Rajya Sabha, was consulted before release of Kandahar terrorists.

"Advani had agreed to release the terrorists and subjected Cabinet colleague Jaswant Singh to the humiliation of having personally escorted the terrorists during Kandahar episode to their safe haven," he said.

When asked about Rahul Gandhi becoming the Prime Minister, Singh said, "Someday power must be passed over to young people as it is happening all over the world and Rahul Gandhi has all the qualities to be a good Prime Minister."

Where to start?

1) Doesn't strong speech and the ability to sway crowds with just his striking personality make a true leader? Oratory skills are quite useful and damned necessary if you want to make an impression on your voters, so yes, if Advani thinks a debate must be held for both parties to get their points across, I fully support him.

2) The Congress really has no right to talk about communal riots or controversies since they have been embroiled in controversies worse, if not equivalent to, what occurred during the BJP's reign. The Bofors scandal worth Rs. 64 crores in the 1980s that led to the direct downfall of the Congress in the following elections? Or the 1984 Anti-Sikh riots which played an even more significant role in why the BJP came into power? Or the controversy over Sonia Gandhi's offices of profit when she was as MP, which was illegal?

3) The Kandahar incident. This will never cease as ammunition against the BJP. Remember the Mumbai hotel seize recently? How could you not? Imagine yourself as one of the members of the families with a loved one stuck inside the Taj around this time. It's damn hard, isn't it? You'd have probably sold your soul to request the government to negotiate and give in to any of the terrorist demands just so you could have your loved one out alive again. The Congress refused to do that. They sent in forces late, stalled break-ins in the name of investigations even as the time called for serious action by the military forces and, when the mission finally ended three days later, bragged about how they wouldn't give in to terrorism and its demands. It's a brilliant plan, really. Except when you let innocent citizens die in order to prove how tough your administration is.

When the Kandahar hijack occurred and the hijackers demanded the release of major names being some of the world's most horrifying terror plots in return for the passengers' safety, the BJP gave in. While many assume this as a fault of character by the Vajpayee government, I admire it. The BJP gave up its dignity and knew this would directly affect its future political ambitions and yet decided to go along with it. For the sake of hundreds of innocent civilians. If that doesn't show character, I really don't know what does. So when the Congress moonlights as an unmasked vigilante, the BJP does its work secretly, and a hundred times better.

I want a BJP vs. Congress debate LIVE on every news channel in the country, English and otherwise. I want Arnab Goswami and Rajdeep Sardesai to shut up and stop interrupting the people they are interviewing, under the name of time constraints on TV, so that people can, once and for all, form a solid opinion that won't falter even as they hold the ballots in their hand, the hand that casts the precious vote. I want order for once, and not a gimmick on national television where the media can jump to assumptions as they would in petty celebrity tabloids. Advani and Manmohan are not celebrities. They are men on a mission, and they are required to prove themselves to each citizen that is old enough to vote. Campaign rallies are rigged, with each party pulling in fanatical supporters to promote them. If they want to be in power, they need to showcase their competence, oratory and otherwise.

And I swear to all Gods, if this debate happens in the ways prescribed above, I will finally have witnessed a fair election in my time.
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Another Medal to Tendulkar's Close-to-Collapsing Trophy Cabinet

2009-04-13T09:18:00.000-07:00

Two sports-related posts in one day? I must be growing up.

Sachin Tendulkar adds another badge to his bulky shoulder as his wax statue will be unveiled in Madame Tussaud's Museum as a tribute to his excellent career.

Except his statue really looks nothing like him.

It's also a pity that Tussaud's took so long to get his wax replica ready when people with considerable less talent and wholesomely sky-rocketing amounts of arrogance (read: Aishwarya Rai) were given this honour a long time ago.\

Eh. Where's the justice?
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Off the Meat Market

2009-04-13T09:07:00.000-07:00

Roger Federer married his longtime girlfriend, who he also knocked up, on Saturday in Switzerland (where else?). He announced the news on his website that he (27) and Miroslava “Mirka” Vavrinec (31) are currently prancing about in wedded bliss. Mirka used to be one of the top 100 tennis players in the world before she retired due to injury and became Federer's manager, cheerleader and partner all rolled into one.

Now, I know I'm supposed to be happy for them and their pending parenthood, but why? Why, God?! What have I ever done to you?? WHY???

From People magazine:

Roger Federer is officially off the singles market. The tennis champ announced on his Web site that he married longtime girlfriend and former WTA tennis player Miroslava “Mirka” Vavrinec in Switzerland on Saturday.

“Earlier today, in my hometown of Basel, surrounded by a small group of close friends and family, Mirka and I got married. It was a beautiful spring day and an incredibly joyous occasion,” Federer, wrote on his blog. “Mr. and Mrs. Roger Federer wish all of you a Happy Easter weekend.”

Last month, Federer, winner of 13 Grand Slam singles titles revealed that he and Mirka are expecting their first child this summer. The couple met while at the 2000 Sydney Olympics where they both represented Switzerland.

Excuse me while I go express my anguish into my pillow...
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Just When You Think the Samajwadi Party Couldn't Dig a Bigger Grave...

2009-04-11T22:20:00.000-07:00

...they come right out and surprise you all over again.

I figure my own manifesto must have influenced them so much that they decided to rip off my acute wit and intelligence. Then again, their agenda really sucks, while mine reflects our time.

A cycle. On a political party's flag. They're practically
giving me bait.

The SP chief, Mulayam Singh Yadav, revealed his party's manifesto for the general elections yesterday with all this shit:

Curbing of English medium schools, and in all generality, English itself. This is probably a direct repercussion of the fact the entire party is vastly uneducated. And because they've probably took one cocaine sniff too much.
Curbing of...and hear this...COMPUTERS. They feel, and I directly quote, that "the use of computers in offices is creating unemployment problems. Our party feels that if work can be done by a person using hands there is no need to deploy machines." So he's just talking PCs, not laptops, right? Because if I get up in the morning and don't have access to coffee or the internet, I'll probably go down to Lucknow and shoot this guy in the head.
Banning of agricultural goods. 'Cause they feel the employment rate during the harvest season is declining and therefore banishment of tractors, motors and those Transformers like equipments that sow, glean, harvest and thresh crops on their own is the ideal way to go about it. At this rate, only high-profile businessmen can afford basic things like food.
Oops, too late. Apparently, they're cutting down high corporate salaries. This, in simpler words, mean more taxes. Socialist, much?
Setting up of unemployment allowance schemes for farmers and rural workers. So Mr. Yadav. There's this thing. It's called the National Rural Employment Guarantee Programme. And it works (somewhat) since it follows the policy of "if you want cash, you need to work for it." Are you going to be banning working for farmers now and just pay them free cash? That'd work well for votes, but at the end of the day, when there's no food left in India, you might end up pondering over how f-ed up this idea is, while you slowly starve to death.
Stock trading? According to them, it's just plain evil. An entire parallel economy thrives on the stock market alone for brokers, insurance people, speculators, corporates and middle men. So I have a question for Mr. Yadav. Why are people so stupid sometimes? Why?
Curbing of mall culture. Are you f-ing kidding me??!!

I'm guessing this announcement was ended with a "we'll take you forward into a new era."

There's a name for it, losers. It's called the stone age.
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P.I.M.M for Prime Minister!

2009-04-11T04:46:00.000-07:00

Well, every major party has a manifesto by now and I, the little rascal that I am, felt the need to join with one of said major parties (whose name I shall refrain from mentioning, to look diplomatic and all) to promote their propaganda. I’m supposing no one told them how influential I can be, since as how they kicked my pretty behind all the way to the curb. So, in form of protest, I’m contesting alone this year. Yeah, loser, revenge is a bitch. VOTE FOR P.I.M.M!

MY AGENDA

FOR EDUCATION

Let’s face it, there isn’t really much to do here. A majority of rural areas don’t have secondary schools, or even primary and middle schools, for that matter, but who cares? We, as Indians, tend to kick ass in Calculus, Accounting and IT-related junk. The only people better than us are the Chinese. But we’ll exceed their population in a couple of years, so it’s OK.

FOR THE POPULATION SURGE

Speaking of, I have the perfect solution to stop the population bazooka that we’ve nurtured. Granted, it will interfere with the EDUCATION agenda, but compromise is essential. I propose: The birthing of babies must be made illegal. It’s as simple as that. If you so much as try giving birth (and scientific evidence shows that women are known to perform this activity more often than men do) you will be shot in the head and your baby will be sent to Cambodia to work in a Levi’s warehouse. No kidding.

FOR AGRICULTURE

Wikipedia states that our staple diet is rice and wheat. Well, you know what? They’re f-ing wrong! Our staple diet is pani puris and everyone knows that.

And how best to fill those millions of hungry stomachs that India had no care for before Slumdog Millionaire? Well, we wipe away all those tea plantations in Munnar and… grow pani puri trees! Screw the Green Revolution. Pani puris represent the true Indian and his frequent bowel issues.

FOR NUCLEAR POWER

I don’t know squat about atomic energy and how it works, but I fully support the growth of the industry in energy production as well as weapon amassment. You know, to nuke Lalu Prasad Yadav when he so much as opens his mouth.

FOR TAXES

No taxes for anyone! Instead, the government will give away free cash. Sure, that’ll throw the economy out of whack, but who even tries to understand the economy nowadays?

FOR RAKHI SAWANT

Another effective use of the nuclear programme.

FOR THE ECONOMY

This is a toughie. Again, I’m very uneducated about how the economy works, so along with the free cash, I’ll let all civilians hire my friend, who has a Postgraduate degree in M.A. Economics, for a

subsidized rate.

Vote for justice.

Vote for development.

Vote for randomness and incurable insanity.

Vote for P.I.M.M.

Note:

If you can’t stand a joke, that's so not my fault.

I don't really own rights for half of those pictures. Except for the first logo. That's totally mine :)

Please Be Kidding. Please Be Kidding. PLEASE BE F-ING KIDDING!

2009-04-10T04:02:00.000-07:00

Pack your bags, read your holy books and repent for your sins, for the Queen of All Things Emotionally Disturbing finally figured, "Hey! What's the best way to compete for screen time on TV? I know! I'll pick a douchebag husband and marry him live."

This shit will be aired on NDTV Imagine. I figured NDTV would be responsible for it...

"Welcome to Rakhi Sawant's Swayamvar. In what promises to be a first of its kind experience on television, Bollywood's hottest item girl has chosen to search for her real life-partner on NDTV Imagine's new reality show Rakhi Ka Swayamvar. The nationwide search for the perfect husband will culminate in a grand wedding where Rakhi will tie the knot.

So what are you waiting for? Tell us what Rakhi should be looking for in her life partner.

Better still, if you think you are Mr Right for the Mirchi babe then propose to her online. Who knows you might be the one to sweep Rakhi off her feet!

For more keep watching Rakhi Ka Swayamvar on NDTV Imagine."

Too many sarcastic remarks in head......brain cells fizzing......spontaneous implosion......*bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

P.S. Do her eyes look red in the above image? They're crimson... like the eyes of the devil's spawn. Like Voldemort's. Like Sauron's, except not yellow. Oh, my God... I am such a fantasy-book geek. And also, the Anti-Christ is among us! RUNNNNNN!

Just Say... Nay?

2009-04-09T12:29:00.000-07:00

So I was out with my mom's friend's daughter, who is a journalist, and we attended some seminar on sex education for teens. Within seconds of reaching the tented area, I figured I knew way more than those specialists would ever tell me. It was a dark place, filled with evil ignorance that yelled at me to f-ing run out, but I thought I might get a good laugh out of it.

I didn't.

They flashed the usual "Stay Abstinent" card like they always do in schools, talking about how you should be married and totally devoted to your spouse and in love before you take the Big Step. I think I heard something along the lines of, "condoms can make you sick", but I wasn't listening. Snake II on my mobile phone was more engaging than this shit.

Saying "no" never works. Haven't they figured that out by now? I took biology in school and just the fact that we were mature enough not to giggle during human reproduction lectures says a lot about the level of maturity that we've reached. When we are told so often to be abstinent, we tend to give ourselves mental beatdowns if we so much as think about anything sexual. And how can you not be sexual when everything from the media to clothing is sex-ified? "Holding off till marriage" makes one so completely stubborn that they'll remain pure and when they, God forbid, end up succumbing, they just don't know how to protect themselves. Which directly relates to the rise in STDs and unwanted pregnancies, even as the government makes a commendable effort to curb the same.

And plus, we're teens. If we're told something is wrong, we have to have it.

Advocating safe sex is pretty much the only other way. I see it as two options: push your kid to the brink of temptation without knowing how to be safe OR teach them to accept sexuality for what it is and hope they keep themselves safe.

We can comprehend. If only someone told us what is to be comprehended..

And signing off, with a little clip from Mean Girls:

I'm Supposed to Believe...

2009-04-09T12:24:00.001-07:00

...that this is Salman Khan's ass? I saw him out in Bandra or someplace once and trust me, that butt has been totally Photoshopped.

This is the promo/teaser poster for his new movie Wanted: Dead or Alive. It's a remake, as almost all Hindi movies seem to be nowadays, from the Tamil movie Pokkiri. Well, I really liked the Tamil one, since Asin was in it and the movie appealed to Tamil masses. Don't know if you've noticed, but violence is a major theme in South-Indian movies and it pumps audience adrenaline like no Bipasha-Basu-in-a-bikini can.

It has a good script. I hope he doesn't pull a Yuvraaj out of this one too.
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Go Green, Don't be an Idiot

2009-04-09T11:31:00.000-07:00

Recently, we observed Earth Hour wherein we were encouraged to switch off all electrical appliances, including lights, for an entire one hour. You know, since one hour of Amish existence can replenish all of the Earth's resources. But this is no time for sarcasm. Granted, I almost strangled my brother over that one hour considering I couldn't even charge my iPod and all the ice cream in the fridge had melted, I was also intrigued enough to look up NDTV's Greenathon, a non-profit venture for environment awareness.

Commendable attempt. Really. They've made over 2.4 crores to facilitate villages with solar panels. They have their own anthem and everything. And then I saw this: they held a concert for promoting the cause.

Not that a concert isn't an extremely awesome PR strategy. It's just... thousands of megawatts of electricity go into powering those things, not to mention all those celebrities with their over-inflated senses of egos they had to house and the massive television audience they catered to LIVE. There was an argument that the hosts didn't mind this fact, since it reached a large percentage of the population and they made more than enough money to compensate. That does nothing but bring out the impression that those tools at NDTV believe it's OK to waste electricity if you can pay for it. And about it "reaching the masses" : walk along Marine Drive for a couple of minutes and you'll see exactly how effective this whole thing was.

Then again, NDTV might not be the biggest idiot of all, considering eminent personalities have done equally ridiculous things. Chris Martin, lead singer and overall douchebag of Coldplay, said that his band took the initiative to plant 10,000 mango trees right here in India to compensate for all those private jets they use to fly around the world, even though there is scientific evidence that no number of trees can cause carbon dioxide fixation to such a large degree that it compensates for their constant jet-setting.

I don't care about my carbon footprint, I just
want to eat roasted peanuts on my jet.

Even Al Gore, former Vice President of USA, organized the Live Earth concert in 2007 and flew in hundreds of thousands of celebrities, artists and crew, many of them by private jets. That basically released about 31,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide into the air for that one day alone.

If you wanna talk about carbon footprints, it doesn't get any bigger than this.
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What You Missed...

2009-04-08T09:24:00.000-07:00

.
...And I feel obligated to cover. In all fairness, I wanted a holiday and so I ditched the blog and sped off to Spain to spend the mid-week drinking, eating, dancing and generally whoring this blog. 'Cause nothing says 'desperate bitch, ole!' like pleading with the Spanish to read a blog that they won't understand and don't really wish to relate to.

I don't know what I'm trying to convey with that. Maybe I should stick with the conventional "I was down with the flu and needed a few days for my blood stream to purify itself from all the life-threatening viruses". Ah, well...

What we missed in the last 48 hours:

1) Jarnail Singh, a journalist, a Sikh and therefore extremely anti-Jagdish Tytler, the guy who has been proved responsible for the Sikh riots in 1984. Yesterday, we found out that he was also an angry young man with balls probably the size of melons, since he threw a shoe (a Reebok, I might add) at P. Chidambaram, our beloved Home Minister at a press conference. Dammit! I always wanted to be the one who did that! He wasn't arrested and P.C. forgave him for his rash actions. Somewhere, the other Reebok shoe is twitching uncontrollably, both to strike P.C. in the face and because it really misses its partner.

2) SRK and Aamir Khan (who apparently still thinks he's playing Sanjay Singhania) reconciled in front of media personnel to fight against a multiplex row where producers of films want to make a 50-50 revenue sharing deal with multiplexes that show their movies. You know what they say: A friend in need is a friend indeed. They also say: When there's going to be an increase in your paycheck, its OK to sell your soul to the devil.

3) The Tata Nano seems to have a slight glitch in the hood (See? I made a funny!) as early reports say that since registration started on April 1st, only 51,000 reservations were made out of the 150,000 expected. Then again, since Ratan Tata is involved, I can safely bet that things will run smoothly within a few weeks. I think that guy has actual magic on his fingertips...

4) SRK just can't stay out of the spotlight for a little while. Quick rundown: SRK's Kolkata Knight Riders team has four captains now. Sunil Gavaskar, who oozes cricket as he moves around thanks to his long and successful career in the field, criticized the actor's decisions because, you know, it's a free country and you're definitely allowed your opinion. But the King of All Opinions didn't really agree with this and, in a summarized form, ask the veteran cricketer to shut the hell up. Wise move, genius.

5) Kareena Kapoor still can't act. Shocker.

6) Narendra Modi gave a kickass interview with Arnab Goswami of Times Now and I totally enjoyed it, considering Modi and Advani have been the only people who have diplomatically (so polite that it hurt) told Arnab to STFU. This is only one out of three parts of the interview, so lift up your flabby forearms and scroll around Youtube to find the rest.
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Through the Eyes of my 11-Year-Old Brother

2009-04-06T01:02:00.000-07:00

Well, he's almost twelve. That was irrelevant to the article.

My brother's still in that 'comic books are way awesome' stage. So when he wakes up every morning (which is at the bloody crack of dawn, around the time I retire for bed) and announces that he's Wolverine or Spiderman for the day and proceeds to jump on my bed, and in the process, splits the ligaments in my limbs, I can't help but get a little bit annoyed.

I mean, I'm all for justice prevailing or whatever, but I need my sleep!
So today, in a somewhat frisky mood, I counted down all the reasons why superheroes kinda suck. Like if you were the Hulk - at the rate at which you keep ripping your clothes, you'll probably go bankrupt in a month. And how do you expect to be saving the world when you're out shopping for new shirts all the time?

The puke-green and immense strength would also make
things extremely awkward in bed...

The twit came back with, "I could be Flash."

Aha! Finally those physics lectures could be put to use. "Yeah, sure. But if you ran around like that all the time, the friction between your body and the air molecules would be of such a high magnitude that you'd probably set yourself on fire."

"Really?! That would be cool," grins the little heathen.

I started thinking fast. "Uhh...think about it. If your clothes all burn, you'll be back in the mall like the Hulk."

"Oh," came a tiny, dejected voice that spiraled my sadistic self into a volley of sustained laughs.

And even if you don't catch on fire, there's always
the fact that you might blind yourself to death.

"Maybe Superman?"

"Too bright."

"Cyclops?"

"Too girly."

"Wolverine!"

"Too hot."

"Batman...?"

"Too cool."

This went on for about another three hours. Or maybe it was just a couple of minutes. I dunno, I usually don't grasp time and sanity when I'm woken up against my wishes.

But I somehow managed to crack into his infantile conscience and scare him to the point of no return. See, it turns out, when you completely smack down the childhood idols of little kids and tell them exactly why you'd like them to shove it, it tends to throw off their balance in a way I find slightly unsettling, yet somewhat cynically hilarious.

So when he ran out of the room crying and yelling "Moooooommy!", I exhaled a long sigh, adjusted the air-conditioning to the lowest temperature possible and went back to fuzzy dreams of me being Batgirl to Heath Ledger's Joker.

Some comic-book fantasies you can never quite escape.
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Ranbir Kapoor Worth More Than Kareena

2009-04-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

Hmm... Gay or not? Let me ponder over this one...

Closets all around the country must be so proud. Turns out Ranbir's Wake Up Sid and Twit and Twat's (my nicks for Saif and Bebo) new flick Jehaad are both being produced by Dharma Productions but the former has a budget of Rs.60 crores while the other's is about Rs.42 crores. Now I would usually congratulate anyone who one-ups Kareena Kapoor, but all I can say now is, "They have Rs.102 crores running on these three excuses for actors??"

Well, actually, the production sale for Ranbir's movie was about Rs.80+ crores or so earlier, but they had to cut costs due to the recession. It's funny how they blame everything on that. Why movies are flopping, why actors are being underpaid, why movies are being delayed - all thanks to the recession. It's got nothing to do with the shallow pool of immeasurable non-talent that Bollywood shovelled for itself, or the total disregard for a semblance of a plot in movies anymore. It's all got to do with the recession. Uh huh. Yup. That will be all.
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Am I Straight or Gay?

2009-04-05T10:33:00.000-07:00

Have you ever woken up one morning and questioned your sexual orientation? No, neither have I. But Rediff seems to think there are loads of people out there who are greatly confused over whether they are straight, gay or just a usual pervert. It's supposed to be a quiz for guys, but hey! Women have equal rights to ponder over whether they want to wake up every morning with a man or a another woman. But let's keep gender discrimination for another day.

Here we go!

1) Which of these sports would you or do you play?

* Cricket
* Ballet
* Tennis
* Boxing

My Answer: I picked ballet. Nothing like a classical dance workout to soothe your muscles, right?

2) Were you popular amongst girls or guys in your student life?

* Girls
* Guys
* Never really thought about it
* More or less equal

My Answer: Frankly I never thought about the whole thing. For the first 10 years of my schooling, I was in an all-girls school. I was also a bit of a bitch, so neither girls (nor guys) really liked me that much. In all fairness, I was a lonely freak. So I picked the third option.

3) Which profession would you prefer?

* Fashion Designing
* Automobile Mechanic
* Nurse
* Electrician

My Answer: Nothing says 'macho manliness' like being an automobile mechanic. Then again, not all mechanics have the body frame of John Abraham. So I picked Nurse. Figured, if I ended up as gay, might as well help someone along the way.

4) Which of these colours do you prefer?

* Pink
* Blue
* Orange
* Purple

My Answer: Very duh answer. Why do they even ask?

5) When you were a child, did you ever play with toys geared toward the opposite sex?

* Yes, all the time
* Mostly
* Sometimes
* No

My Answer: Well, I wanted to expand my toy range, but my mom refused to buy me those simulation bazookas.

6) When out in public, who are you looking at as you walk around?

* Same sex
* Opposite sex
* Same sex (but for their clothes)
* Everyone, I'm an observer

My Answer: Of course, I look at other people of my sex! I'm an Indian, I'm designed to stare at passerbys of my gender.

7) Random question...athletes on teams slapping each others' asses when they get off the field, queer? Or just friendly sportsmanship?

* Duh! It's friendly, none of that gay stuff!
* Just shows how gave football players are
* Eh, some of those guys are questionable
* A little weird, but innocent none-the-less

My Answer: It's not gay! They're just being buddies! What, just so you see guys being friendly with each other, it's gay? If two sexually-frustrated cowboys on a mountain rage show their mutual respect and love to each other, it that-? Oh. Wait.

8) Have you ever had a crush on someone of the same sex?

* Yes, my girlfriend and I rated hot men together
* Are you mad?
* Uh, I don't think so
* No

My Answer: Well, I don't really have a girlfriend. I don't even have a boyfriend right now, but I'm not desperate enough to change my sexuality over the immense rejection. Never-the-less, the first option was the only thing viable. Otherwise I come off as a major homophobic.

9) At a party, slightly drunk, have you ever approached/made a pass at someone of the same sex?

* Once, when I was challenged to do so by my friends
* I can never remember what I when I'm drunk
* Yes
* No

My Answer: What? Don't judge me!

10) Have you ever fantasized about people of the same sex?

* Yes
* At times
* Not really
* No

My Answer: I used to have a crush on Ranbir Kapoor till someone told me he's a girl. Does that count?

11) Would you like it if a person of the same sex was attracted to you?Yes

* Yes
* No

My Answer: I want to be envied, OK?

12) Have you changed the answers to any of the questions to appear straighter?

* Yes
* How did you know that?
* Yes, just once
* Nope

My Answer: Busted!

13) Really?

* Yes
* No
* Maybe
* Uh...

My Answer: I have no idea what they're trying to ask me here...

THE VERDICT: "You are gay! If that's not news to you, great -- if it is, better think of exploring the world outside your closet! Good luck!"

See? If you can manipulate Rediff's quizzes, there's nothing you can't do! Now I'm off to take over the world by spreading the terminal disease called homophobia. It really works!
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North Korea Fires Rocket

2009-04-05T09:36:00.000-07:00

A nuclear cloud, you say? No, North Korea said they were
just Chinese crackers.

What? You want me to be surprised? C'mon! We all knew this day would come...

I really don't feel like reporting anything, considering how long this whole 'North Korea is a defiant idiot' history is and my comments have run dry by now. So in quick words:

NK fired a long-distance rocket, named Taepodong-2.
It has a range of an approximate, and very sweet, 6000km
Fired off NK's east coast, 15 seconds past 11:30 am local time.
EVERYONE condemns it. Pranab Mukherjee, our "Minister" for External Affair, gives his two cents on the topic.
NK claims it was supposed to be a satellite.
US says in response, "Yeah, right!"
Major repercussions. Or so says Obama. We all know by now that he's just a talker.

We all know what's going to happen next, don't we? NK will apologize, US will attempt to infiltrate its government, people will be caught and killed for 'spying', homeless people from all over the world will stand outside embassies and hold protests for God knows what, NK will apologize again, everyone will accept it and go back to their own bumbling governments and economies, all will be right in the world again except for said governments and economies, attention will be diverted back to Iraq/Afghanistan for a few months and NK will secretly start amassing nuclear weapons again.

If I, a juvenile, can predict this, why can't the world leaders?
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Whoa!

2009-04-05T08:51:00.000-07:00

Recently, a global HR consultancy, Mercer, conducted a survey and pronounced Mumbai and Delhi as two amongst the world's top ten most expensive cities. They were voted 4th and 8th respectively, while Moscow and Tokyo took the first two positions.

Mumbai and Delhi were previously in the 5th and 6th position respectively.

Now this isn't even news to me. It may be to YOU since you hardly care how much cash you spend for your own self-righteous wants. Is that a new Prada overcoat? How much did that set you back by? 2.5 lakhs, you say? Why do you need a coat for in the first place; it's like a million degrees out here in Mumbai. Doesn't your bloody conscience prick you? Not even a little bit?

Meanwhile, I was detained by the traffic police today for picking a fight with an auto-rickshawwala over Rs.15.
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A Sequel to Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na

2009-04-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

Our emotions exactly, Imran.

In the WTF? news for the day, Abbas Tyrewala, the director of JTYJA, announced that there may/may not be a sequel to the movie.

And I haven't even gotten to the best part...

Seems like little Jai and Aditi are all grown up in this one, and have *cough* marital issues *cough*. I get it, Jai. Your secret's safe with me. Wink.

So turns out, the lonely and depressed Jai ends up drinking and having a one night stand, which is pretty much the stupidest thing he could do. I mean, have you seen the girl? She literally scratched off that guy's cheek in the first movie. What's to say she won't aim a kick at Jai's nether regions, now? Just a thought.

As ridiculous as the plot line is, Bollywood is known to milk everything out of a successful flick. So if Meow and Rats are up in a courtroom, pleading for divorce on the grounds of infidelity, by October, I wouldn't be all that surprised.
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Terrorists are Planning to Disrupt Elections in J&K

2009-04-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

A terrorist? No way! I'm just role-playing that Cobra
character from the G.I. Joe cartoons...

Really?!

So the J&K area is actually *gasp* prone to terrorist attacks? Wait, what? You're saying there have been attacks before?! No! Seriously? Truly? WTF? What else is the government hiding from us? I DEMAND ANSWERS!

On a more serious note, the Union government has apparently ordered 3-tier security in Jammu and Kashmir for civilians and politicians alike. There are reports that some 400 LeT trained terrorists were waiting to tip-to into India and disrupt the upcoming General Elections.

So the government is saying that they've sent protection and we shouldn't worry about anything anymore. Yeah, man. We totally believe you.
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Give it a Rest!

2009-04-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

Since everyone who is on the verge of insanity has been publicly condemning this shit, I figured I should probably censor the image to prevent future lawsuits or something. So around the naughty bits, there is a strategically placed picture of a very disapproving R.R. Patil.

Akshay Kumar took a serious transition from the khiladi to a cheap stripper (who wears Levi's...?) at the Lakme Fashion Week in Mumbai recently. Needless to say, everyone from Anil Nair (who is this guy?) and the Dalai Lama (no, I'm just messing with you) are speaking out against this incident. Look, the guy's marriage is probably on the rocks or something, and there's nothing like a good PR stunt with your wife to get back into the tabloid's good graces. And the tagline for the clothing line he's endorsing is 'Live Unbuttoned', so if he doesn't do any obvious unbuttoning and/or shedding of clothes, there really is no point of Levi's hiring him in the first place, is there?

Besides, he looks reasonably hot for a dude in his 40s.
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Kareena Kapoor's Dress Cost Rs. 8 lakhs. I'm Not Even Trying to Joke Here

2009-04-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

OK, that's not the dress. But you can bet it'll be something like this. Or it'll probably be strapless, backless and only reaching her mid-thighs, at which point we should all be yelling, "8 lakhs for a dress that's made from a half-metre piece of cloth?!"

The dress was apparently made for her spot-on portrayal of a supermodel in her new movie, Kambakht Ishq. See, honey, supermodels are a thing of the past. When your arch rival played a similar character in another movie and garnered critical acclaim for it, it looks pretty darn pathetic when you copy her full on. Especially since this is also an Akshay Kumar movie, and you can bet your life that you won't be on screen for more than 12 minutes. For clarifications, refer to Katrina Kaif.

Oh, and one more thing that might just put you over the edge: She got to keep the dress.
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If Height Depicted Power...

2009-04-02T12:05:00.000-07:00

...Michelle Obama would screw everyone, hands down.

Here's the First Lady of the US of A and our beloved Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh's wife, Gursharan Kaur, at the G-20 summit. It's cool how Ms. Obama is channeling the I-don't-give-a-shit-about-the-conservatives-who-think-I-shouldn't-wear-colour vibe. She has recently been getting smack for wearing sleeveless and brightly-coloured gowns, and frankly, all I can say is, "Ohh, pretty shoes!"

There was more WTF? news when Michelle Obama accidentally put an arm around the Queen, and touching her is forbidden by royal protocol. Oh, bull. When your son covorts with a woman who looks somewhat mangled, even after being married to the most gorgeous princess known to mankind, you shouldn't mind when people ask you to take your royalty and - *censored*

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Sharad Pawar Doesn't Own a Car

2009-04-02T00:38:00.000-07:00

Would you just give me a minute? I think I have something in my throat...

*cough*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

*cough*

Yeah, I'm OK.

Yep. Definitely looks like a man who
walks to work everyday.

Besides this, Times of India reported that the current Union civil aviation minister Praful Patel and Pawar's daughter, Supriya Sule, don't own vehicles either. And Sushilkumar Shinde, Congress nominee from Solapur for the elections, just owns a Fiat purchased in 1974 for Rs.13,000. I really, really, really want to laugh again, but I fear if I begin now, I won't stop till sunset and probably miss the rerun show of Roadies this afternoon.

I'm guessing there was a interview or something with the Income Tax Department that prompted this declaration, even if the rest of the country knows that it's A BIG FAT GODDAMN LIE! Next there'll be a talk show held by Arnab Goswami of Times Now asking Pawar to explain this. Let me illustrate that for you:

Arnab Goswami: Blah blah blah blah (for approximately 45 minutes, while bashing the BJP and laughing at his own jokes, while the rest of the world switches channels to watch Shilpa Shukla make drama on Jhalak Dikhla Ja instead) You recently declared your assets and said that you don't own a car. Of course, as noble citizens and devoted countrymen, we totally believe everything you say. No evidence of debauchery or illegal activites exist to prove otherwise. But to reaffirm faith in your general awesomeness with the good people of the nation, what do you have to comment on the situation, which I personally believe is a pot of back-handed lies used to attack your holy grace.

Sharad Pawar: Zzzz - hmm... what? Oh, a thousand apologies, I fell asleep. Vote for me. *snooze*

AG: Poor guy. Working so hard for the benefit of the common masses. He's the Martin Luther King of India, a beacon of hope and truth in such troubled time. He enlightens us with his -

Producer: Uhh... Arnab? You have seven minutes of on-air time left and frankly, no one's watching this. Why do I fund for this shit?

AG: Whatever, bitch. We'll take our first caller now. Hello?

Caller: Hello, Arnab. I just want to ask Mr. Pawar how he thinks he'll garner votes this year when everyone knows about his underhanded schemes to dominate and overthrow democracy in his own pathetic and - *bleep*

AG: Oops. We seem to have lost our caller. No matter. In the next few minutes, we'll air the entire video of the Congress's 'Jai Ho' anthem, especially compiled for general public showcase. I hope you enjoy it and vote judiciously. Here's Arnab Goswami of Times Now saying goodbye, thank you and please, vote for the right people. I mean, the Congress. Not that I'm trying to advertise them or anything. Just that, they're good. Vote for them. Though it's your choice. That's what democracy is. Your vote is private. Vote for them. Seriously. Thanks.

God, I'd hate to be the woman who presents the news with him *shudder*
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Today's OMFG News that You Skipped Reading Because You Found the 'Twinkle Khanna Unbuttons Akshay Kumar's Jeans' News Cooler

2009-04-01T06:53:00.000-07:00

This is more of information that an actual sarcastic, witty, funny, quippy blog entry, which are characteristic of the one I usually post. *smiles for paparazzi*

On Sunday, L.K.Advani of the BJP said that, if they come to power, he would make sure that all that black money residing in the cold, dark vaults of Swiss banks that was dumped there by eminent personalities in India who just don't feel like they want to pay the required tax on it.

If you're wondering how much money is actually in there and if it's enough to turn this issue into one that might sway votes in the elections, the estimated value of cash stored is... wait for it... $1.4 trillion.

No fake.

The Congress already dismissed the idea of opening the accounts, even though the banks are willing to allow governments to do so. US and Germany are already doing it, and there aren't even any elections going on there right now so they can garner votes. They're doing it to get enough money to pull the countries out of the current economic slump and it has been estimated that if India gets the entire amount back, it can immediately put her amongst the top five nations in the world.

So after Advani's comments and the Congress's reluctance, you tend to wonder... What is our beloved Sonia hiding? *

I'm assuming you're smart enough to figure that out on your own :)
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It Happened. It Actually Happened.

2009-04-01T06:44:00.000-07:00

Oh, you have got to be kidding me...

So on the 31st of March, 2009, the first sign of the apocalypse that will soon hit this world (or at least, India) and render all of us dead and lined up for the final Justice call, was observed.

Still can't guess it?

Yeah, they got their Padmashrees...

Besides Rai-Bachchan and Kumar, Helen managed to grab one of those medals for her "contribution to art and cinema". Because it takes immense talent to strip-dance on a bar table.

But it's OK. When it is announced at the next Republic Day celebrations that Rakhi Sawant will be honoured with one for her incomparable contribution to drama and skin-show, this news will wane to give rise to immense anger amongst the Indian population that they didn't vote her off Nach Baliye when they should have, or all this would have never happened.

Oh, and by the way, I've lost all faith in humanity.

Good day!
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LFW >> Sanity

2009-04-01T02:09:00.000-07:00

I'm not one for couture fashion, and not just because of the utter lack of the wearibility factor, but also since my dad would kill me if I used my emergency debit card to buy a $3000 LV tote bag. So whenever the Lakme Fashion Week is on, and Bombay Times covers the event like crazy, I get a little bit angry. Mostly because I can never have those things. And also because I'd look ridiculous wearing them.

Source: Rediff

The stuff is great. The clothes are striking. The shoes are hot. The models are anorexic. And bulimic. Though I can never figure the difference, since if you're bulimic, you usually end up anorexic, right? But who am I, an Indian chick who likes her curves, to know?

The LFW needs to cater to a wider market, maybe even people who aren't thin enough to be able to count their ribs. Maybe people who experience monthly bloats and can't control it because they don't have a gynecologist at their every beck-and-call. Maybe people who actually think that Kareena Kapoor sucks because she gives impressionable young girls an unhealthy body image. Moreover, can these fabrics even be worn is climates like Mumbai or Chennai's? Do you have to dry-clean your dresses after every time you wear them? Is it worth paying a month's rent on a pair of burgundy stilettos that you can't use anyway since your city roads have potholes so deep, you could emerge on the other side of the world if you fall into one of them? Do you think - oh, who am I kidding? No one's listening to this rant.

Hallelujah!

2009-03-31T04:36:00.000-07:00

.
It's raining... justice!

Or something in that regard.

So news reaches me that the Supreme Court totally torched Sanjay Dutt's butt and said he can't contest in the General Elections this year (or ever, considering how long these cases take to be processed) since he got caught playing with license-less AK-47s instead of a stethoscope and Gandhi's monkeys like Munnabhai was supposed to. Dutt was a candidate of the Samajwadi Party for the Lucknow seat in the Lok Sabha.

In a twist of Batman-like vigilante justice being handed out, the SC said that Dutt was disqualified from contesting the elections under Section 8 (3) of the Representation of People Act. The Act states that anyone with an order to spend a significant period of time in prison is rendered incapable of contesting in the elections.

It was great news, till the court labeled his father, Sunil Dutt, as an honourable politician (which I have no say in, since I never looked up his work) and squished my ego by announcing that they had to stop him from contesting because of the case against him but that he was not a 'habitual criminal' and an all-round good guy. Really, SC? Are you sure? Because if you ask me, dude seems like he's high A LOT. Not that I'm the Keeper of the Constitution or anything, but I really do feel that possession of low-grade weed in your spacious backyard is kinda a criminal offense. You might wanna look into it.

Regardless, this calls for a celebration. I'm gonna pop open a Coke and watch Lage Raho Munnabhai while continuously laughing at Dutt's face. Then I'll probably cry myself to sleep, considering Dutt is a total jerk, but still has more money than me.

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Snapshots

2009-03-30T22:22:00.000-07:00

.

I love NDTV. It's pure entertainment. Not just because it sucks and is totally biased towards the Congress, but also because it used to be respectable and is just tumbling down the social ladder of relevance now. Granted, Times Now and CNN-IBN are pretty much in the same league too, but there's something distinctly shameless about NDTV I find really amusing.

So, you're going to have to click on the image to view it properly. It's a screenshot of the NDTV Movies webpage which I found somewhat funny, especially how cheap the journalism seems:

#1 - Seriously? More babies? Either all those kids were Cesarean births, or this woman has a steel-trap uterus.

#2 - First there was this news piece on some news channel that displayed its headlines as 'Jane Goody Finally Dies'. I get it. She was a scripted racist, uttering scripted lines from a scripted screenplay on a scripted reality show in scripted upper-class scripted Britain. Are you tippers so devoid of news that you had to wait around to report that she 'finally died'? Not cool. Also, if her sons don't want to attend, it's a private matter. I don't think they're even old enough to grasp what death is, but either way, it is immeasurably disgusting that some il-fortuned journalist actually took the initiative to report it.

#3 - SRK's hit-list and our very own Padma Shrimathi's ex-illicit lovers. It doesn't matter if your boss is glaring at you right this minute for using the office broadband to surf superficial Bollywood gossip instead of compiling the monthly spreadsheets; this is the kind of knowledge that gives you an edge over Gauthama Buddha.

#4 - In an era when Varun Gandhi gets smack for being pro-Hindu and Shashi Tharoor pisses off major political figures for supporting the Jews in ONE article, I still can't quite comprehend how Sardar jokes are still considered conventional entertainment. Especially since they're about as funny as those fart jokes we used to crack ribs laughing at in the second grade.

*Thinking of making this Snapshot thing a frequent post*

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What is With the System??

2009-03-30T12:07:00.000-07:00

After intense nagging and a good dose of those Jaago Re ads, my parents consented to register for their voter IDs a couple of months ago. Though, of course, being MY parents, they conveniently forgot to inform me, so I continued nagging them till one fine morning, my dad woke up and yelled that he had already registered ages ago and that I should crawl into a dark place and shut up.

Well, I tried. But I just can't shut up.

Anyelectionnewsiskillingme, I found out that the reason my parents were so pissed at me in first place was because I made them run all around their parents' birthplaces to get their ration cards approved so they could register for their vote. Yep, regardless of what any website may tell you, you need your ration card to get your name into the voter list. And that too, you need to have a ration card in the district you're currently living in if you want the process to run smoothly, or there'll be some serious under-the-table cash exchange going around.

And all this nonsense even after my parents have two of the highest media of citizen identification in the country - the passport and the Pan card.

They have both. And they were denied. With all due respect, when your passport is handed to you it means the following things:

1) You were able to certify your date and place of birth.
2) Your parents were identified, as were your spouse and children.
3) Your education record was studied, in case your birth certificate was not issued.
4) Your criminal record is squeaky clean and there have been no registered cases of illegal activities, embezzlement, an FIR, or even a goddamn parking ticket.
5) You were able to provide a valid current address and also supply your previous addresses, if they were mentioned in earlier passports that were renewed.
6) Your entire traveling record is probed into and studied to make sure you didn't spend any time, any where, doing something stupid like maintaining a marijuana plantation is Malaysia.

In short, your entire life is stripped and searched, as shamelessly as a security check in an American airport if you sport a bushy beard. And if that doesn't qualify you as a law-abiding citizen (mostly) with a clean record, then I don't know what does.

And regardless, most people of middle classes and higher do not own ration cards anymore since:

(a) They have money now.
(b) They figured Big Bazaar sells more at sasta rates.
(c) The waiting lines are bloody murder.

So dearest Election Commission: grow up. We already have and you're really lagging behind.

And once again, my voice goes unheard, right?

To Set the Record Straight

2009-03-30T11:09:00.000-07:00

Someone was asking me that day whether I support the Congress or the BJP and since I didn't want to sting anyone's political sentiments, I just added discreetly that "my vote is private".

And that wasn't received well.

I don't quite get it - I'm allowed to vote for whoever I want, but I can't really talk about the party I support, even if by some helluva lucky chance, it turns out to be the same party that the person asking me about it supports, and his fanaticism doesn't evolve into rage. Then again, who am I to comment on this, when someone as famous as Shashi Tharoor is given slack for writing a pro-Israel piece, even if India's stand on the conflict is pro-Palestine. OK, so the government wants to support Palestine. I'm cool with that. What I'm not cool with, is the fact that I am forced to accept the government's stand as my own and support the ties that it feels comfortable with, even if my opinions vary. Moreover, if I do have an alternate opinion, I should keep the darn thing to myself and also face little chance of the Election Commission approving me on the basis of said vocal viewpoint.

Oh, wait. Cancel that. I totally get it now - People with opinions are just not allowed to contest for a position in the state or union legislative assemblies.

Yep, I'm all clear now. I'll just pass on this message to the millions of impressionable young minds across the country so we can be fully assured that we'll never prosper.

Cool.

In more 'Duh-er than Duh' news, if you're above 18 years and have not registered to vote, well then, shame on you.

Vocabulabalabala

2009-03-30T10:42:00.000-07:00

Today's word:

Agelast
n.
A person who never laughs.
Usage: Agelasts must be sad, sad people. That, or retarded.

She can at least try, right?

What's in a Word?

2009-03-30T10:34:00.001-07:00

After a four-year hiatus, I checked out some popular Harry Potter fansites today 'cause, you know, I'm THAT bored, and re-enlightened myself over when the next movie was releasing.

Granted, I've waited years for a Harry-Ginny make out session, but once you realize that Harry is somewhat mentally challenged and might turn out to be an awful boyfriend, what with his distressing emotional history, frequent violent tendencies and claims that a conveniently-shaped scar on his head causes him to be the freak that he is, you stop being envious and just feel plain bad for Ms. Weasley.

Actually, there is no base to this image. Except that
you don't really need a reason to post a picture
of Daniel Radcliffe, right?

Which brings me to what I really wanted to talk about --- There was this period in middle school when fantasy movies and books were all the rage. I'm talking bespectacled boy-wizards, Deathstars, closets opening into another world, accursed pirates, tiny ring-bearers with hairy feet... And they were all runaway hits. So obviously, that made us resort to lingo used in these films in everyday life as a last-ditch attempt to look somewhat cool.

Well, now I regret it. Not just because it was utterly lame, but also owing to the fact that Britney Spears really appealed to my demographic back then so there were frequent requests from people asking you to hit them, baby, one more time.

I recall this conversation some prefects in my school (who were older than me and certified geeks... And also very, very jobless) outside the senior library, which was off-limits for a few hours as the librarian was away.

Prefect 1 : So what? We just wait here till the librarian gets back?

P2 : Whatever. I'm going in.

P3 : (eyes darkening and hair blowing around wildly) One does not simply walk into Mordor!

P2 : Say, what?

P4 : Yeah, she's right. The Great Eye is ever-watchful.

P2: (Eyes P3 whose hair is still blowing about) Hermione here might need some conditioner.

P1 : Nothing a little 'swish and flick' can't solve. (giggles madly)

P3 : (Patting down hair) Oh, you laugh now, little one. When that White Witch turns up before you get out, what will you do then?

P5 : (Silent all this while) I'd love me some Aragorn... (Deep sigh of painful longing)

P4 : Oh, please, bitch. Aragorn is mine. You can have Jack.

P5 : (Lights up) Sparrow?!

P4 : Well, actually... I've registered Sparrow too. You know, in case.

P5 : (dejected) Oh. I'll just take Prince Caspian then...

P2 : C'mon! Let's go in. We ain't the Marauders for nothing!

P1 : Yeah, let's go. The Trio shall always stand united!

P4 : There's five of us...

P1 : (makes offensive gesture involving a finger or two) F-

P3 : I'm not going in there.

P1 : Then stay here and pull a Boromir. We're going. (Pushes open the door)

P4 : (grumpily) Good luck, earthlings! May the Force be with you.

Librarian : (reaching the spot, says to P4) You're in detention, just for ruining the Yoda impression.

OK so that wasn't what really happened, but it was a long time ago and it's late and I'm tired and really need some shut-eye.

Oh, The Pressures...

2009-03-30T10:22:00.000-07:00

Just the idea of being a girl can scare the living hell out of you. Not that it's any harder for the guys, they're messed up too. But men make it a little more difficult for us to feel good in such a pressure-cooker atmosphere.

And it's not just the men. Even the miniature versions of these men can screw us up. Take my brother for example: A few years ago, I was with my bro to catch a train somewhere and we met this friend of mine on board who I talked to for a few minutes before she had to leave. The moment she did, my brother turned to me and said:

Bro: OMG! Did you see her legs?

Me: Her what?

Bro: Her legs! She's so hairy.

Me: (trying to ignore) Look! A cow on the road!

Bro: (doesn't care) Well, you do it. Hair removal, I mean. Why can't she??

Me: I'm finding it hard to believe you, especially when your own legs rival that of a grizzly bear's.

Bro: Yeah, but that's what makes me a man! (puffs tiny chest out)

ME: Trust me, with that attitude, you're already halfway there.

Bro: I just need to grow some facial hair though. And maybe some armpit hair! That would be cool! Do girls have armpit hair?

Me: (hyperventilating) I'm so thankful I'm not going to be the one to have The Talk with him...

Bro: The talk about what?

Me: Sex.

Bro: Like in rep... uh... reproduction?

Me: (suspicious now) Yeah...

Bro: We did that in science yesterday. We saw these slides with yeast or something budding? It was kinda sick to look at. That's what you're talking about, right?

Me: Yes. That is what I was talking about.

Bro: Oh. Gross.

Me: You have NO idea, kid.

See what I mean?

Comics + PIMM = Temporary Enlightenment

2009-03-23T01:10:00.000-07:00

.
'Cause Calvin in just so darn cute...

And also because, hey, any reason to put off studying for the entrance exams.

P.S. 'PIMM' is a weird abbreviation for the blog's name...

The Grossest Deaths in Hindi Cinema

2009-03-23T00:35:00.001-07:00

Virtually all Hindi movies have one thing in common - a suitably happy ending for the protagonists and a lifetime in hell/jail for the villians. But some writers decide to take the story a little further by introducing a lovable character and then killing him/her ruthlessly to make it look like some effort had actually been put into the script. Or they just make sure the villain is killed in the most disgusting way possibly so as to not lose audience interest.

So here are my Top Ten Grossest Deaths in Hindi Cinema:

#10 - SRK and Manisha Koirala in Dil Se

In 3... 2... 1... BOOM!

Who didn't know that she was a terrorist? Well, SRK didn't and that just led him to an untimely death by blowing up in the middle of a field. Actually, it can be considered a warning for all those eve-teasers out there. If you stalk a girl in utter desperation, chances are she might be a suicide bomber with the LeT and bomb your ass till your intestines blow into a million pieces. Just a thought.

#9 - Shantipriya in Om Shanti Om

Some speculate that the Green Goblin might have killed her.

Well, actually it wasn't all that disgusting. I was kinda relieved at first 'cause that way I wouldn't have to sit through her 'ek chutki sindoor' monologue again. But what do ya know? Bitch comes back in a miniskirt and blowing bubble gum.

#8 - Amitabh Bachchan in Sholay

I don't even wanna comment on this...

I've actually never seen the whole movie in one go, just bits and pieces of it till I finally managed to edit the movie in my own head and figure out what the hell was happening. Still, Jai was a better actor thatn Veeru and definitely should not have died.

#7 - Random secondary character in Kaal

"Look at me! Do I look like a deranged maneater to you?"

That movie was ridiculous, and even the gory deaths couldn't make it any better. But there was this one cool scene where this minor character (who was just present for comic relief) finds himself beheaded by a glass window that broke apart when a car blew up. So that finally made him stop screaming and I could stare at John Abraham in relative peacefulness. And you know what was the grave mistake the producers committed (besides actually casting Esha Deol)? Renaming Corbett Park as Orbit Park. Seriously, he named it after a brand of chewing gum. No wonder the tigers were pissed.

#6 - Salman Khan and SRK in Karan Arjun

It's just a funny image, OK?

Why do I even see these movies? Oh, it might be because that's the only movie SET MAX seems to have any rights to air. That and Anaconda - Hindi Mein. But let's not even go there.

#5 - That jolly bhabhi in Hum Aapke Hain Kaun

Salman Khan sexually harrassing women while rocking
the 'computer nerd in suspenders' look.

All was going well and happy in the magical land of Suraj Barjatiya where the unicorns gallop and the rainbows are bright. And then one fine day, when some 96% of the movie was over and the audience was soaking too much fluff-sugar into their bloodstreams, the bhabhi woman slips on some loose carpeting and tumbles down a longass flight of stairs to her early death. Anything more horrifying in a family movie?

#4 - Asin in Ghajini

Illustrating the fact that we see more of 'Kalpana was killed'
than we see the real Kalpana.

Stabbed and then knocked on the head with a metal rod. Anyone say 'ouch'?

#3 - SRK in Darr

The look of revulsion on Juhi's face convinced SRK
that he needed to double his deodorant use.

Sunny Deol (back when we could still understand what he was saying) beat the crap out of SRK and he finally died, all the while over-pronouncing his 'K's.

#2 - Amitabh Bachchan in Black

Why are all of Sanjay Leela Bansaali's movies
so effing BLUE?!

Alzeimer's is just painful, man. I don't want to talk about that.

#1 - The Untimely Death of Cinematic Dignity in all of Karan Johar's films

It started with this.

Dude makes six movies on families, families, families with adultery, families with heart disease, tiger families and homosexual families, all well-supplied with tear-jerking (eh...) scenes.

Seriously. I grieve.

***

1... 2... 3... 4... Get to Ten Before You Kill Someone...

2009-03-23T00:27:00.000-07:00

I walked into Crosswords recently to buy myself a bunch of old favourites; books which I had lost or lent to someone who never gave them back (you know who you are) or just ripped apart by accident. So I scrambled around here and there and managed to pick up a few Grishams, Ludlums, a copy of The Tempest, the entire Lord of the Rings series and a couple of *cough* romance novels *cough*.

So here I was holding all these books and fumbling towards the counter when this girl, probably as old as me, came up to the cashier and asked, "Do you have a copy of The Three Musketeers?

To which the cashier replied, "Yes, ma'am, we do. Would you like the original or abridged version or one with cliff notes?"

"I don't know. Can you point me to where that is?"

He waves towards a section of stacks. "Near the classics section."

The girl gave a huge smile and FINALLY left, giving me the opportunity to dump my books onto the counter.

Oh, but knowing my luck, she was back in seconds. "It's such a big shelf of books! I have no idea where I'm supposed to look."

I was doing my best not to shout my ass off at her, when the cashier intervened and said to me, "I'll be right back, ma'am" and made me wait for a good three minutes.

The girl appeared with the cashier, seeming extremely happy for getting her hands on one lousy book, and almost crashed into me at the counter. And the idiot that I am, I tried to make the situation better by making small talk.

"So, do you have to study that for school or something?" I asked casually, hoping she'd just go, "Hmm" and I could rest in peace again.

Only she started gushing, "NO! I saw this book was mentioned in that movie. With that cute guy!! The Slumdog one... Have you seen it? Dev Patil is sooooooo cute!"

*Cue ominous background score*

...Mentioned in that movie...

The Slumdog one...

...Have you seen it?

Dev Patil...

Holy mother of *beeeep* !

My Second Dev Patel post in two days? Even the fates
can't deny that we're meant to be...

Let's start from the beginning:

1) You don't read Alexander Dumas because his name is mentioned in a movie. You read Alexander Dumas because he's freaking Alexander Dumas!

2) Slumdog... Have I seen it? Are you really asking an Indian that? Shame on you. Even if I hadn't seen it voluntarily, I'm sure some crazed fan (read: my friends) would have pulled me into the theatre by force of hand to watch it. We're lame like that.

3) When you want to buy a book, you check up on it first. Like what genre it is, or when it was written and whether it would be remotely interesting to you. Or at least read the back cover. I doubt someone who reads a book just because Dev mentioned it would find a story about earnest friendship, extreme valour and applaudable patriotism, all set in the medieval French period, a good read.

4) It's Patel, OK? He's Gujju. It's not Patil; that's not Gujju at all. He's the reason I started eating Dhoklas and watching Sarabhai vs. Sarabhai so remember: it's Patel. PATEL!

...

Current Mood :: Really Missing Heath Ledger

2009-03-23T00:04:00.000-07:00

Who's seen The Dark Knight?

Actually, it'd be better to say: Who hasn't seen it? 'Cause if you haven't, you're pretty much a grade-A loser.

And that's not me talking, it's Warner Bros.' Swiss bank account.

I swear on God, if I ever hear another 'why so serious' joke,

I'll wring someone's neck...

So I was watching it for the 700th time yesterday and I figured, the Joker's cool and all, and Ledger successfully played a role that would be soon lead to all those 'Who's going to lose to Heath Ledger' bets on Oscar night. But I just can't help think...

...Why are his evil plans so goddamn complicated??

Let's review what he did to 'thwart' Batman in the movie, shall we?

STEP 1 - Set up a bunch of Joker lookalikes (OK, with masks) to steal a bank.

STEP 2 - Kill said lookalikes, but not before crashing into a really solid bank building's wall using just a school bus.

STEP 3 - Join forces with the local mafia gang, even when the audience knows you prefer to work alone.

STEP 4 - Kill innocent people till Batman reveals himself.

STEP 5 - Somehow expect that Harvey Dent, that pompous brat, will reveal himself at Batman instead.

STEP 6 - Proceed to pretend attacking the envoy carrying Dent, expecting to be caught.

STEP 7 - Wait in patience while Batman interrogates you to ultimately reveal that Dent and Batman's one true love (who is also Dent's girlfriend and totally insignificant to the plot after this) are strapped in warehouses filled with dynamites which will blow them into smithereens and he can only save one of them (Note to self: Retire the word 'smithereens'. You're embarrassing yourself).

STEP 8 - Know that Batman will pick the girl and switch their positions beforehand so Batman reaches to save Dent instead and Rachel dies.

STEP 9 - Obviously know the exact placement of the denotators so that Dent doesn't die, but his face is mangled exactly in half.

STEP 10 - Escape. Duh.

STEP 11 - Free Dent from hospital and convince him to wreck havoc against Batman (who saved him) and not you (who actually killed his girlfriend and ripped apart his face). Plan a future career in politics.

STEP 12 - In a span of six minutes, convince Gotham that there's a bomb threat on EVERY bridge and tunnel. Then proceed to capture an enormous population of the public and convicts and pile them in two different bomb-strapped ferries to make sure they finish off each other.

STEP 13 - Pretend like you knew all along that Dent would be corrupted easily and was just a ploy to throw off Batman.

STEP 14 - Dress up your hostages and your henchmen and confuse Batman on whether to attack the henchmen, the hostages as the henchmen or the SWAT team.

STEP 15 - Finally get caught, but expect Batman to let you go 'cause you know he's that big a douchebag.

STEP 16 - Come back in the next movie to haunt Gotham - Oh. Wait...

Well, at least most of it was right.

In contrast, here's what the villians do in the Spiderman movies:

STEP 1 - Capture Mary Jane Watson and hang her from a tall building/bridge (she should be conveniently wearing a short dress at these times).

STEP 2 - Get your ass kicked by a superhero who shoots cobwebs from his wrists.

And you wonder why The Dark Knight has already pocketed a cool $1bn...

A Little Jerry Maguire Hurt No One...

2009-03-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

...Except me.

There was this nauseatingly sweet couple down by a Baskin Robbins outlet in the city sharing an ice cream and doing PDA-infused, couple-y stuff. I'm totally for a good dose of romance, but making it so public takes the fun out of it. Not to mention, you become Sena-bait, which isn't as cool as it sounds.

And if you're asking why I was watching this, it was owing to the fact that traffic is murder in Mumbai and when you're stuck somewhere, you're kinda stuck there till something drastic happens. Like until an asteroid drops in front of you and removes any and all vehicles/rogue cattle/sugarcane juice machine thingies from your path. And even then the huge chunk of rock that is the asteroid would be in the way, so commuters don't get to win anyway.

Anyhopelesstraffic, the dude of the couple starts doing these retarded gestures which, after intense observation by me and my cousin, were interpreted as what Tom Cruise does for Rene Zellweger in Jerry Maguire (You complete me). I guess it's justified if Tom Cruise (circa 1996) does it, considering he's effing Tom Cruise and was reasonably good-looking around that time. It's also OK for Rene Zellweger to be on the receiving end of it since that was the one movie she at least pretended to act in.

I'll probably get slack saying I should allow what little romance we have left in the city to thrive. Then again, my ass won't be the one forced by the moral brigade to marry the person I was sharing a double-chocolate ice cream with.

It's Karma, Baby

2009-03-22T05:55:00.000-07:00

I was out all morning so when I came home and found out that Lalit Modi's entire plan is going kaput, I was literally giddy with excitement.

Read the other crap here if you're interested: Rediff

Like I was saying, this is plain and simple karma. Not that I don't enjoy cricket. It's just what the IPL is doing to most Indians.

For example: A friend of a mutual friend of my cousin who is a political activist with a youth group recently sent around some scraps on Orkut talking about how disinterested teenagers and young adults are in voting. There was one particular example she took from a Facebook status update that really pissed me off.

Here's the specimen:

The fact that people would actually support Lalit Modi instead of the one thing that just helps India qualify as a democratic republic and prevents her from being nuked by some crazed country wanting to instill democratic freedom everywhere - the elections - proves that as citizens, we still have a long way to go. The mere idea that someone would fight for provision of Z-grade security to international players and IPL sponsors, and not for people who actually take out the time and effort to vote for their leaders (and to protect the privacy of said vote) kind of disgusts me. It's one thing if the IPL is a government franchise. But the whole thing is a mega-private scam, threatening not just cricket as we know it, but stressing on regionalism when there are no actual boundaries on these regions in the teams to begin with. I can see it right in schools, at homes, out on the streets; people are torn between supporting what they assume is their own state's team and the state they live in. Some would say that by legalizing use of arms by trained and certified bodyguards for protection, the government can prevent hassles like this. But do you really think that Lalit Modi, King of Cash Scams and President of the Association of Pathological Liars is really going to spend money out of his pockets (money that we and the sponsors gave him in the first place) to secure safety procedures for the common masses who come to view some hedonistic display of supposed athletic prowess? I really don't think so.

The IPL is a hoax. And a hoax, I have to say with no shame, I thoroughly enjoy. But if I had to pick between a Chennai Super Kings vs. Rajasthan Royals match and the possibility of electing a party whose cabinet candidates truly promise tax waivers in fuel-petrol, I'd have to say: Screw the IPL. There'll be plenty of T-20 matches to watch in the immediate future, but petrol without the 150% sales tax + VAT isn't exactly an easy and near possibility.

UPDATE:

Narendra Modi, Chief Minister of Gujarat, has answered my prayers. No, he didn't gift me a private jet, he did the other thing. Modi totally just called out on the inefficiency of the current governments of the states that wouldn't give security for the IPL, saying that he wouldn't shame the nation in the same way and would provide security if he was asked to.

Moreover, he threw the final bomb by stating the well-thought argument that if the governments are so unprepared to send out security teams for a measly set of 3 hour cricket matches, what the hell is it going to do during the Commonwealth Games?

Basically, Modi worked with the standard Indian cultural influences - cricket, pride and a bit of a controversy. If that doesn't make people vote for him, I don't know what will.

In Other News...

2009-03-21T23:26:00.000-07:00

In majorly boring 'other news':

1) I woke up at 11.40am.

2) I ate breakfast anyway.

3) My maid vocally and physically (she possesses the ability to summon a broom with just her thoughts) threatened to slit my throat if I ever spilt chocolate milk on the black ottoman again. I mean, it's an ottoman, OK? And it's black. No one cares to keep a foot cushion clean, not when your foot is on it in the first place.

4) Then I figured, it didn't matter whether I ruined the ottoman or not... All that should matter is that I waste upto a gallon of chocolate milk a month, spilling carelessly on random pieces of furniture.

5) The Bachchan family's watchman was just nominated for a Padmashree award, for displaying excellence in guarding Prateeksha (along with 20 odd gun-toting R.A.W dudes), making Abhisekh Bachchan the sole non-receiver of the award in the gang.

6) Still thinking of #5. Poor Abhi.

7) I confess to reading an old copy of Seventeen yesterday. I found the hair scrunching tips quite helpful too.

8) What's up with that Hannah Montana chick? I know she owns Disney, millions of pre-pubescent teenage girls, a couple of pedophiles here and there, and you and me too. But does she have to own us while looking like a washed-up hooker off the Hollywood Boulevard? Here's a tip: the reason Britney Spears ditched those purple leggings in the 1990s is because it was made a crime against humanity to wear it into the new millennium.

9) I still haven't heard from that prank caller with the sexy voice I ended up chatting with for an hour last week. Mission accomplished?

10) Oh, my God! They're everywhere... THE CROCS ARE EVERYWHERE! They're worse than that sequinned-handbag syndrome that hit the planet a few years ago. Only this time, we get them in all colours - neon orange, hot magenta, vomit green - you name it.

OK, I'm done.

***

Vocabulabalabla

2009-03-21T12:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been to a site that thrashed Indians, where they spoke about how all we're good at is calculus and reproduction?

Well, I decided to combat that.

How, you ask?

By introducing my own vocabulary section here, of course!

Today's word:

oscitate
v.
to yawn or gape from drowsiness.
Usage: 'Oscitate' must not be confused for 'oscillate'. One is exhibited during a Chemistry lecture on the constituents of Dettol and the other can be studied at a Physics lecture on wave formations, in which case you're oscitating anyway.

A typical Google search on 'oscitate'.

Mainstream Cinema is Giving Me Unrealistic Hopes

2009-03-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

My Acer laptop bailed on me a week ago due to unknown reasons.

OK, fine. I accidentally poured water on it. Operative word: accidentally.

And my Dad was completely against paying to fix the damn thing, which I was OK with since the laptop is really old. I'm talking Yuvraj-Singh-going-out-with-Deepika-Padukone old. That must have been, like, five years ago, right?

Regardless, my Dad finally agreed to let me call customer service and ask them what the hell they were doing selling me a laptop that fused when you just dropped water on it. Even if that is pretty much the only criteria you need to fuse out any circuit. The little details don't matter. So I call their 1800 line and some dude in a Scandinavian country (at least I think so) picks up and thanks me for calling and that my issues will be immediately attended to and to hold and that I'll be dispatched to a customer services line in - wait for it - India.

So the line was on hold with that awful music for about ten minutes before a guy picked up and started chattering away in that horrible anti-British accent all those call centre people seem to have. Needless to say, being an 1800 line, I didn't get anything useful out of it and my appeal for warranty was, very rudely, rejected. But I couldn't care less since my Dad will eventually stop fuming anyway and take the laptop somewhere into the hidden IT section of his company that no one sees or knows and get it made as good as new, with the latest iTunes installed.

So my laptop? I don't give a damn. But what I did care about, for a large portion of the call and subsequently after, was whether the call centre guy looked like Dev Patel.

Seriously.

I'm gonna hit that. Soon...

For all I know the call centre dude must be married with kids, probably rides a Scooty Pep+ to work and watches Nach Baliye reruns. But what if, just what if, he turned out to be an annoyingly cute British-Indian with a life-long ambition to track down a girl he met years ago and wouldn't rest until he was united with his one true love?

What if this Dev-ish person was actually one of my kindergarten classmates who used to pull my plaits and pour water down the back of my multi-coloured uniform?

And what if that boy got hit with a large stick of utter cuteness as he grew up and started thinking, "Maybe I shouldn't have pulled her plaits and poured water down the back of her multi-coloured uniform" and attempts to find me and take me far, far away to a... umm... CST terminal where we can start life anew with our tender love and affection for each other?

You can't see me, but I'm jumping in my swivel chair, yelling, "Hell, yeah!"

And you know the best part?

He'll be ten million bucks richer by the end.

Which means "Goodbye, Acer" and "Hello, MacBook Air".

The Talkies, My Way - Fashion

2009-03-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

My ass was so bored today that I ended up watching Fashion for like the fourth time. The first time, I found it pretty damn good, the second time was reasonably well-off and the third was slightly painful. And today's screening just further proved the already established fact that I have a very low tolerance level for bullshit.

So like any other pseudo-blogger, I figured I'd write about it and unite all beings against the forces responsible for Priyanka Chopra's botched lip enhancement surgery.

FASHION --- THE TRUTHFUL VERSION

SCENE - Meghna's home

MEGHNA:
I wanna be a model, daddy! I wanna go to Mumbai and pose in
skimpy clothes!

DAD:
Bah. It's your life to ruin.

...

SCENE - Cafe Coffee Day

MEGHNA:
Oh, stereotypically gay asst. designer no one knows or cares about!
I hardly have any money for a good photoshoot, even if I can afford to
consume Rs.500 worth coffee and brownies every day from the
ricidulously expensive Cafe Coffee Day!

STEREOTYPICALLY GAY ASST. DESIGNER:
Will you do a lingerie ad?

MEGHNA:
Oh, no! I have principles to follow, even if I seem like a hypocrite
considering my dresses are so short you can see my bum and I
have an adulterous affair with my married boss.

STEREOTYPICALLY GAY ASST. DESIGNER:
They'll pay you.

MEGHNA:
OK.

...

SCENE - Meghna's First Show as a Viewer

RAHUL ARORA:
Hello! I'm another stereotypically gay designer who'll be in this
movie purely for Madhur Bandharkar to showcase how
homosexuals are discriminated against, even though he's
already done it in so many of his previous movies.

AUDIENCE:
BOO! We've been here for an hour and we still haven't seen
any of those sex scenes the director promised us!

...

SCENE - Interview

CASTING PERSON WHOSE NAME I CAN NEVER REMEMBER:
So, you want to be a model?

MEGHNA:
No, I want to be a supermodel... Haven't you seen ANY of the promo videos on MTV?!

...

SCENE - Ramp

MEGHNA:
Look at me! I'm a big model now and currently in a relationship with
a minor character who will be conveniently eliminated in a few
minutes to focus entirely on me and my disgusting
swollen upper lip.

HANDLER:
Shonali, we're ready for your showstopping walk.

SHONALI:
(Arms flailing wildly)
You b*stard! Go away, don't interrupt me when I'm cutting lines!
And while you're at it, grab a drink which is 80% alcohol by volume.

MEGHNA:
Man, I hope I don't become like her.

AUDIENCE:
See that? That is an obvious Bhandarkar ploy to slyly suggest that
she is, in fact, going to go the way of that other model with the
flat chest.

SHONALI:
Don't hit out at me. I've been typecasted into roles which involve
me being drunk, high, hungover or a combination of all
of these in all my movies.
And I usually die in the end.
You b*stard!

...

SCENE - Penache Launch of Meghna

MEGHNA:
I can't believe I'm the face of Penache!

MEGHNA'S BOSS:
I can't believe I'm gonna nail that hot piece!

MEGHNA'S BOSS'S WIFE:
I can't believe I'm with this cheating guy just for the money!

ARJUN BAJRA:
I can't believe I'm going to be stuck as That Guy Who Priyanka
Chopra Dumped In That Movie Based On Realistic Themes!

JANET:
I can't believe they're making me marry a gay dude!

SHONALI:
You b*astard!

...

SCENE - At some hotel, lawn, verandah, bathroom.

A dozen or so fashion shows occur which are completely redundant
in terms of the plot, making viewers wonder whether the shameless
skin show is basically there to cover up the lack-lustre script and
garner ticket sales from pre-pubescent, sexually-frustrated
teenage boys.

...

SCENE - Random venues.

MEGHNA:
I'm a total bitch now and I can't recognize myself in the mirror.
Moreover, I'm very lax with using contraceptive measures,
as is my married boyfriend, and am retarded enough to not
read the fine print in my contract. I also celebrate my first
abortion by consuming vodka shots, driving drunk and
vomiting (figuratively)on my boss-boyfriend's wife.

CASTING PERSON WHOSE NAME I CAN NEVER REMEMBER:
We're firing you and replacing you with a younger, hotter model
who has a non-M&M-shaped nose.

MEGHNA:
Well, I never expected that, what with my ugly and exbarrassing
behaviour over the last few days. Let me now go to a nightclub and
use my fake nails to sniff contraband drugs.

...

SCENE - Back home

MEGHNA:
Daddy, I can't go back. I'm scared.

DAD:
You've stayed here for a year, mooching off of your parents.
Pension doesn't grow on trees, you know!

...

SCENE - Streets

MEGHNA:
Shonali! Why are you lying on the street and sniffing
talcum powder?

SHONALI:
'Cause after my wardrobe malfunction on the ramp, I realised
that no TV channel broadcasted the footage since no one
cares about fashion in such distressing economic times.
And I'm also out of coke.
You b*stard!

MEGHNA:
This is a good chance for me to prove to the audience that
I've turned over a new leaf. I'll take care of Shonali and start
wearing more conservative clothes.

AUDIENCE:
Oh, man! Might as well leave this snooze-fest now.

...

SCENE - Fashion Show
(Just before Meghna's showstopper walk)

POLICE DUDE:
Uhh... That wild-haired girl from Gangster died of overdose.

MEGHNA:
That is bad news!
(momentary lapse of time)
I'm over it. Time to strut my stuff!

GHOST OF SHONALI WHICH WILL LATER HAUNT US IN RAAZ:
You b*stard!

...........................

Ah. That was fun. :)

My Blood Stream Needs a Pick-Me-Up

2009-03-21T10:09:00.000-07:00

...and I'm thinking caffeine might do the job. Only the more coffee I drink, the more I start to channel the Dracula-sunken-eye look, and that's not what I'm going for right now.

Then again, coffee might be a good alternative, as opposed to, say, ripping every strand of hair on my head from its roots, which is precisely what I want to do everytime I see THIS:

I don't think India is going to rest until its people completely squeeze every drop of relevancy that is still left in the song, milking the phenomenon for all its worth. Basically, this hype is not going to wane till the Academy Awards of 2013, so get ready to hear a rendition of 'Jai Ho' from your local grocery serenading his succelent Nagpur oranges.

Aam aadmi ke badhte kadam, har kadam par Bharat buland...

Ugh.

Just To Make Things Clear

2009-03-21T09:38:00.000-07:00

This is a blog with honour, pride and dignity. We are responsible journalists with a sense of decorum that makes us use this mighty tool of communication in a appropriate fashion. We are people of our word and swear to -

Oh, God. I can't do this. We have no morals, OK? No social etiquette, no conscience and definitely no sense for others' privacy.

And no, this blog isn't about a particular school or anything. We learned that lesson months ago.

So what the hell is it about?

Here's the thing: We're Indians, right? Except we really aren't. We want to be global citizens, which would explain why Akon is very popular during dandiyaa parties, but we haven't gone to the extent of approving couples living together before marriage. Obviously, "Smack That" is appropriate. Pre-marital fondling is not.

This is for you. The Indian who won't vote when he's finally a major, but will squeal about the crappy transportation service. The same Indian who will also graduate and jump at the first opportunity to catch a job placement in Canada. The same Indian who will give me slack for writing this, even as he nods his head in acknowledgment.

We're hypocrites. And we know it. Just for that attitude, we're kinda cool.

Here's to you guys.

...

Intro and the Like

2009-03-21T09:07:00.000-07:00

We're back!

Seriously, we're back...

Hello...?

Does anyone care?

Whatever. I'm calling for a DRUM ROLL!

(Deathly silence)

Ah, you bitches.