Saturday, May 30, 2009

Screw You, Meteorological Department of India

While cyclone Alia continues to wreck havoc across the Bay of Bengal border, taking hundreds of lives in the last week, Mumbai and the rest of Maharashtra is left in waiting for a monsoon that was supposed to start about a fortnight ago.

Because, seriously, the heat is freaking KILLING ME.

The Meteorological Department of India (which is never right, by the way) claims this extended summer will last till mid-June or so, and we should all just accept it and be cool about it.

Be cool about it? Really? Is this the appropriate time for word-play jokes?

Let's review how my last three weeks have gone by with the personification of my inner voice, yeah?

May 10th - Damn, it's hot. Time to rev up the air conditioner for a couple of hours.

May 12th - Whoa! A Rs.10,000 electricity bill... Either the board is playing a cruel joke, or global warming is.

May 15th - A couple of week left... A couple of weeks left...

May 17th - Looking up rain dances online.

May 18th - Application of said rain dance.

May 18th (a little later) - EPIC FAIL.

May 19th - Tending to blisters on feet caused by dancing like a lunatic on the concrete flooring of my colony's parking lot, at noon.

May 22th - The onset of pre-monsoon showers. And by that I mean a sprinkling of water that give us immense hope but is actually a big middle finger by Earth in response to human-triggered increased carbon emissions.

May 24th - Meteorological Dept. asks us to wait till June...........................

May 26th - The elections are done with, right? Who cares if civilians don't get 24/7 electricity supply anymore?

May 27th - Apparently it's raining in Bangalore... *books tickets*

May 28th - Hanging out in malls in sheer desperation.

May 28th - (fifteen minutes later) Barely survived the 10 minute autorickshaw ride from home to the mall.

May 29th - The sun shines with a new vengeance (could also be the name of a Jackie Chan movie).

May 30th - Parched throats. Dry tongues. Burning eyes (contact lens don't help). An anvil on my head. Every pore on my body on fire (and not in a good way). This sucks.

Today - OMFG I NEED RAIN!!!!1!!


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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Zoozoos - Are They Us?

You can't not love them - they're adorable, impish, unintentionally funny and they make for good conversation over dinner. Plus, there are those scenes with the crocodile that just crack me up. All-in-all, a very bittersweet farewell to the pug that generally graces Vodafone ads.

But here's the big question: Are Zoozoos a metaphor for... Indians?

Now I don't want to go all stereotypical and (sorta) racist here, but I'd like to point out some things that may make Zoozoos more Indian than you think:

[Let's do the case study thing again. It makes me feel like a professional]

Case Study 1 - Appearance

1. Wide hips? Check.
2. Dazed expression? Check.
3. A tie, therefore denoting a white-collar job in front of a computer screen? Check.
4. Grey atmosphere spelling depression? Check.

Case Study 2: Nature

1. Loves cricket even if they don't comprehend it.

2. Waaaaaaay to inquisitive/nosy for their own good.

3. Priorities not set straight.

Case Study 3: Likes

1. Dealt with under Nature, but again, likes cricket a lot.
2. Also adores attention.
3. Media loves covering said irrelevant attention.

*Gasp* My speculation was totally correct! Why those yellow-bellied, underhanded crooks! I swear on Shahid Kapoor's career, if Vodafone isn't playing a cruel joke by mocking us, I'll -

I mean, I'll definitely go and -

What I mean to say is that Vodafone's lawyers better -


Oh, screw it. I love Zoozoos :)

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MTV India - I'm Shamed (Note: It Sucks)

There was a time when MTV was the up-and-coming youth oriented TV channel in India. They had relevant material, funny sketches, good Veejays that devoted their efforts towards actually making the channel one worth watching. Considering how the only other shows that teens could watch revolved around the 24-7 screening of recent Bollywood songs and/or Cartoon Network, MTV India was a huge breath of fresh air.

Then the era of the reality shows came in and sucked all the fun out of it.

Case Study 1: Skits on MTV

During a nicer time

They play this in the corner of hell where people who are guilty
of treason to their country are kept

Case Study 2: MTV Bakra

When famous people could afford to be on Bakra
without humiliating themselves

Bakra on Jose? Are we that desperate, Cyrus?

Case Study 3: "Let's Relate to Teens"
Back then: MTV Super Select with VJ Nikhil, who picked film celebrities as well as eminent personalities on his interviews
Right now: Splitsvilla, Wassup and the Tickr... need I say more?

Case Study 4: OK, I can't do this anymore *sigh*

Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Why does she have to ruin everything for us, can't she just watch something else?" I would, except I'm really not up for watching Hard Kaur attempt to dance for Saroj Khan, who should have retired from the scene when she hit 80. Or for catching Bigg Boss (two g's? Really?). Or watching Karan Arjun over and over again on Set Max.

I'll just go chuck my TV out now.

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Sunday, May 24, 2009


OK so now that the elections are over and the results have been announced, things are back to normal.

Crime rate is again going back up, Police personals are disappearing faster than you can sneeze, “ thief!” . But most importantly, the water and electricity supply is back to normal.

That is, their hitherto very disturbing and frankly scary continuous supply has been withdrawn and normality has been ensured. When the water taps had gotten more used to gathering dust or - when in the mood ­- supplying a trickle of water, the feel of having an ever present supply of water was very peculiar, to say the least.

So in our very best interests, the Bearded Raincloud (henceforth BRC), the thoroughly incompetent and sadly incumbent CM of my state has decided for a course correction and has deployed his minions to block the water supply and only allow a trickle to pass through. Only those areas shall receive sufficient amount of water supply where the people sing the praises of the BRC (weekly, mind you) and where they actually voted for the candidates of his party. But since his party’s state is now akin to that of a pounded and minced piece of beef throughout the sate, the whole state- insofar as I know- has been plagued by the supply -or the lack - of water.

Much to our sorrow though, the trails of water are nothing compared to the punishing trial imposed on the helpless citizen by the randomness of the electricity supply.

There once used to be a time when the electricity was 24x7 and there was no such thing as voltage fluctuation. I am of course referring to the pre-election period -and not to some bygone era- but ever since the decimation of BRC’s party (By the way, please feel free to make evil and funny full forms of the acronyms) he has decided to use most of the state’s power supply to power up the battery of his chainsaw which he shall use to turn himself into URC (Unbearded Raincloud).

Seriously though, is this how things shall be? Yes of course, for this is how it has been going on since god knows when. Is this how vindictive and pathetically petty a person can get? Someone who has been voted into power for the benefit of the people has been trusted with the power to work for their well being should not be such a moronic imbecile.

Someone should knock into his old age addled and well-padded mind that a government is by the people, of the people, FOR the people. So until I am able to find a stick big enough to stick up his well kissed arse and make him do his work properly (and get away with doing it too) I shall keep hoping that my brand of abuse and moralistic rhetoric shall somehow penetrate into his bubble and prickly( or at least tickle) his conscience awake.

Untill tomorrow people.

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Saturday, May 23, 2009


In order to prevent Boss from giving someone a supari in my name( I hear that there are a lot of those kind of people there who do this kind of work), I shall apologize for not posting for I had been busy, collecting material and procrastinating.

Hence I would like to assure you people that the next few posts shall be good and they shall be on time.

I hope.

Untill tomorrow.
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China : Smoke or Bust

In what is possibly the saddest method used to improve a shaky economy, the Chinese government has ordered officials to smoke some 250,000 packs of cigarettes every year or be forced to pay a fine, says

The idea is to boost the popularity of a local cigarette brand called Huanghelou, which is facing competition from other brands, while also obtaining funds via the cigarette tax. Catch is, if the targets are not met within a year, they'll start fining people for it.

Sometimes, I think the Chinese government has it right, what with the amazing job they did with the 2008 Beijing Olympics, and then I see bytes like this and any nice opinion just flies out of the window.

Then again, I totally get what they're trying to do here. The article does say that about one million people die every year in China due to smoking. So by encouraging this, China not only gets dough, but kinda helps reign in its population as well. As far as population control methods go, you can't beat this one.
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Salman Khan : Will Vote for Money

Local badboy and consistent hypocrite, Salman Khan, who campaigned extensively for a bunch of parties at the same time (which makes you question his sanity anyway) pulled a really really really really really, and I can't stress this enough, really stupid pseudo-PR stunt that he supposed would relate him to the common masses - yeah, he made excuses for not voting.

Quiz Sallu about the reason he did not vote, he says, “It was not possible for me to take a flight from London to show that I voted.”

When he is given the example of his colleagues SRK and Aamir who made it a point fly from foreign locations just to vote, he said, “They have the time and money to do so which I do not have.”

So is voting not an important issue for Salman? he says, “The Government should make voting mandatory by punishing people who don’t do so and giving incentives to citizens to vote. I would come for that extra money.”

I like how he said he has no money. Firstly, it gives those people roaming around Mumbai for decades together a reason to not join Bollywood - it pays zilch. Then there's the fact that continuously being around vapid, underweight actresses gives you a sense of superiority that makes you look like a douche. And, finally, because I had to say it, gives men a reason not to get their ears pierced...

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Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Issues That Didn't Matter in the Election '09

I stumbled cross this bulletin article on India-forums on the writer's take on the "Eight Issues That Didn't Matter in Campaign 2009" and I found that it hit home certain sides I just never thought about. Give it a read here:


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Monday, May 18, 2009

Afghanistan's Only Pig Quarantined in Fear of Flu


A few years ago, China gifted Afghanistan a little piggy for the Kabul Zoo which became somewhat of an attraction in the strict Muslim nation where pork consumption is not permitted by religion. And now the animal has been locked up in a room so as to prevent people from thinking they'll catch the H1N1 virus from a pig that has neither been in contact with others of its kind or ever flown to Mexico.

More from Reuters:
KABUL - Afghanistan's only known pig has been locked in a room, away from visitors to Kabul zoo where it normally grazes beside deer and goats, because people are worried it could infect them with the virus popularly known as swine flu.

"For now the pig is under quarantine, we built it a room because of swine influenza," Aziz Gul Saqib, director of Kabul Zoo, told Reuters. "We've done this because people are worried about getting the flu."

Worldwide, more than 1,000 people have been infected with the virus, according to the World Health Organization, which also says 26 people have so far died from the strain.

"We understand that, but most people don't have enough knowledge. When they see the pig in the cage they get worried and think that they could get ill," Saqib said.

Makes sense. Why educate the common masses when you can just promote the usual prejudice, something we all know is easier to deal with?

Hey, I just got that feeling. You know, the kind you get when you roll your eyes so hard, your contact lens pop out? Awesome :)

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This is when I get too bored with the news for the day, or am too deeply engrossed in the Chennai-Kolkata match to care enough about anything else:

Byte 1:
Turns out, Prabhakaran? Really dead. Also, Tamil Nadu? Doesn't give a shit.

It's been some 24-odd hours since the news that the LTTE chief and his son were killed by the Lankan Army while attempting to escape, but there hasn't been any official news aired on ANY Tamil channel. Remember the last time the LTTE issue blew out of proportion (like a month ago) and the Tamil Nadu chief minister and self-proclaimed best buddy of Prabhakaran went on an all-out hunger strike of some six hours or so? Back then, they had that little tidbit of news of every Tamil channel that every existed, except on those belonging to his opponent. And now, his BFF gets shot to death, and no response?? Oh wait, I forgot. The elections are over.

Byte 2:
In more this-made-me spit-my-morning-coffee news, in response to the UPA's landslide victory *grumble* the sensex went kinda berseck. And by that, I mean shooting up by 2,110.79 points at 14,272.63 (17.34% up). The National Stock Exchange's Nifty shot up by 636.40 points at 4,308.05 (17.77%). And the most constructive solution to this (of course) was closing the stock market a mere minute after trading began.
I'm just worried how much this will sky-rocket again when the budget is introduced...

Byte 3:
Remember this? RR Patil's disapproving face won after all, since actor Akshay Kumar landed on Indian soil today and was immediately arrested on grounds of alleged obscene behaviour under articles 34 and 294 of the IPC. There was some obviously bored social worker at the Lakme Fashion Week who was kind enough to point out the fact that Kumar's wife unbuttoned *giggle* his jeans, even though his label tells him to do exactly that. What? He was just following what his multi-crore contract deal with Levi's was asking him to do.
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