Screw You, Meteorological Department of India

While cyclone Alia continues to wreck havoc across the Bay of Bengal border, taking hundreds of lives in the last week, Mumbai and the rest of Maharashtra is left in waiting for a monsoon that was supposed to start about a fortnight ago.

Because, seriously, the heat is freaking KILLING ME.

The Meteorological Department of India (which is never right, by the way) claims this extended summer will last till mid-June or so, and we should all just accept it and be cool about it.

Be cool about it? Really? Is this the appropriate time for word-play jokes?

Let's review how my last three weeks have gone by with the personification of my inner voice, yeah?


May 10th - Damn, it's hot. Time to rev up the air conditioner for a couple of hours.

May 12th - Whoa! A Rs.10,000 electricity bill... Either the board is playing a cruel joke, or global warming is.

May 15th - A couple of week left... A couple of weeks left...

May 17th - Looking up rain dances online.

May 18th - Application of said rain dance.

May 18th (a little later) - EPIC FAIL.

May 19th - Tending to blisters on feet caused by dancing like a lunatic on the concrete flooring of my colony's parking lot, at noon.

May 22th - The onset of pre-monsoon showers. And by that I mean a sprinkling of water that give us immense hope but is actually a big middle finger by Earth in response to human-triggered increased carbon emissions.

May 24th - Meteorological Dept. asks us to wait till June...........................

May 26th - The elections are done with, right? Who cares if civilians don't get 24/7 electricity supply anymore?

May 27th - Apparently it's raining in Bangalore... *books tickets*

May 28th - Hanging out in malls in sheer desperation.

May 28th - (fifteen minutes later) Barely survived the 10 minute autorickshaw ride from home to the mall.

May 29th - The sun shines with a new vengeance (could also be the name of a Jackie Chan movie).

May 30th - Parched throats. Dry tongues. Burning eyes (contact lens don't help). An anvil on my head. Every pore on my body on fire (and not in a good way). This sucks.

Today - OMFG I NEED RAIN!!!!1!!


-terminated-
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Zoozoos - Are They Us?

You can't not love them - they're adorable, impish, unintentionally funny and they make for good conversation over dinner. Plus, there are those scenes with the crocodile that just crack me up. All-in-all, a very bittersweet farewell to the pug that generally graces Vodafone ads.

But here's the big question: Are Zoozoos a metaphor for... Indians?

Now I don't want to go all stereotypical and (sorta) racist here, but I'd like to point out some things that may make Zoozoos more Indian than you think:

[Let's do the case study thing again. It makes me feel like a professional]


Case Study 1 - Appearance

1. Wide hips? Check.
2. Dazed expression? Check.
3. A tie, therefore denoting a white-collar job in front of a computer screen? Check.
4. Grey atmosphere spelling depression? Check.

Case Study 2: Nature

1. Loves cricket even if they don't comprehend it.

2. Waaaaaaay to inquisitive/nosy for their own good.

3. Priorities not set straight.

Case Study 3: Likes

1. Dealt with under Nature, but again, likes cricket a lot.
2. Also adores attention.
3. Media loves covering said irrelevant attention.

*Gasp* My speculation was totally correct! Why those yellow-bellied, underhanded crooks! I swear on Shahid Kapoor's career, if Vodafone isn't playing a cruel joke by mocking us, I'll -

I mean, I'll definitely go and -

What I mean to say is that Vodafone's lawyers better -

...
...
...

Oh, screw it. I love Zoozoos :)
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MTV India - I'm Shamed (Note: It Sucks)

There was a time when MTV was the up-and-coming youth oriented TV channel in India. They had relevant material, funny sketches, good Veejays that devoted their efforts towards actually making the channel one worth watching. Considering how the only other shows that teens could watch revolved around the 24-7 screening of recent Bollywood songs and/or Cartoon Network, MTV India was a huge breath of fresh air.

Then the era of the reality shows came in and sucked all the fun out of it.


Case Study 1: Skits on MTV

During a nicer time

They play this in the corner of hell where people who are guilty
of treason to their country are kept

Case Study 2: MTV Bakra

When famous people could afford to be on Bakra
without humiliating themselves

Bakra on Jose? Are we that desperate, Cyrus?

Case Study 3: "Let's Relate to Teens"
Back then: MTV Super Select with VJ Nikhil, who picked film celebrities as well as eminent personalities on his interviews
Right now: Splitsvilla, Wassup and the Tickr... need I say more?


Case Study 4: OK, I can't do this anymore *sigh*


Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Why does she have to ruin everything for us, can't she just watch something else?" I would, except I'm really not up for watching Hard Kaur attempt to dance for Saroj Khan, who should have retired from the scene when she hit 80. Or for catching Bigg Boss (two g's? Really?). Or watching Karan Arjun over and over again on Set Max.

I'll just go chuck my TV out now.
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BRC-Rap

OK so now that the elections are over and the results have been announced, things are back to normal.

Crime rate is again going back up, Police personals are disappearing faster than you can sneeze, “ thief!” . But most importantly, the water and electricity supply is back to normal.

That is, their hitherto very disturbing and frankly scary continuous supply has been withdrawn and normality has been ensured. When the water taps had gotten more used to gathering dust or - when in the mood ­- supplying a trickle of water, the feel of having an ever present supply of water was very peculiar, to say the least.

So in our very best interests, the Bearded Raincloud (henceforth BRC), the thoroughly incompetent and sadly incumbent CM of my state has decided for a course correction and has deployed his minions to block the water supply and only allow a trickle to pass through. Only those areas shall receive sufficient amount of water supply where the people sing the praises of the BRC (weekly, mind you) and where they actually voted for the candidates of his party. But since his party’s state is now akin to that of a pounded and minced piece of beef throughout the sate, the whole state- insofar as I know- has been plagued by the supply -or the lack - of water.

Much to our sorrow though, the trails of water are nothing compared to the punishing trial imposed on the helpless citizen by the randomness of the electricity supply.

There once used to be a time when the electricity was 24x7 and there was no such thing as voltage fluctuation. I am of course referring to the pre-election period -and not to some bygone era- but ever since the decimation of BRC’s party (By the way, please feel free to make evil and funny full forms of the acronyms) he has decided to use most of the state’s power supply to power up the battery of his chainsaw which he shall use to turn himself into URC (Unbearded Raincloud).

Seriously though, is this how things shall be? Yes of course, for this is how it has been going on since god knows when. Is this how vindictive and pathetically petty a person can get? Someone who has been voted into power for the benefit of the people has been trusted with the power to work for their well being should not be such a moronic imbecile.

Someone should knock into his old age addled and well-padded mind that a government is by the people, of the people, FOR the people. So until I am able to find a stick big enough to stick up his well kissed arse and make him do his work properly (and get away with doing it too) I shall keep hoping that my brand of abuse and moralistic rhetoric shall somehow penetrate into his bubble and prickly( or at least tickle) his conscience awake.

Untill tomorrow people.

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Sorry.

In order to prevent Boss from giving someone a supari in my name( I hear that there are a lot of those kind of people there who do this kind of work), I shall apologize for not posting for I had been busy, collecting material and procrastinating.

Hence I would like to assure you people that the next few posts shall be good and they shall be on time.

I hope.

Untill tomorrow.
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China : Smoke or Bust

In what is possibly the saddest method used to improve a shaky economy, the Chinese government has ordered officials to smoke some 250,000 packs of cigarettes every year or be forced to pay a fine, says News.com

The idea is to boost the popularity of a local cigarette brand called Huanghelou, which is facing competition from other brands, while also obtaining funds via the cigarette tax. Catch is, if the targets are not met within a year, they'll start fining people for it.

Sometimes, I think the Chinese government has it right, what with the amazing job they did with the 2008 Beijing Olympics, and then I see bytes like this and any nice opinion just flies out of the window.

Then again, I totally get what they're trying to do here. The article does say that about one million people die every year in China due to smoking. So by encouraging this, China not only gets dough, but kinda helps reign in its population as well. As far as population control methods go, you can't beat this one.
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Salman Khan : Will Vote for Money

Local badboy and consistent hypocrite, Salman Khan, who campaigned extensively for a bunch of parties at the same time (which makes you question his sanity anyway) pulled a really really really really really, and I can't stress this enough, really stupid pseudo-PR stunt that he supposed would relate him to the common masses - yeah, he made excuses for not voting.

Quiz Sallu about the reason he did not vote, he says, “It was not possible for me to take a flight from London to show that I voted.”

When he is given the example of his colleagues SRK and Aamir who made it a point fly from foreign locations just to vote, he said, “They have the time and money to do so which I do not have.”

So is voting not an important issue for Salman? he says, “The Government should make voting mandatory by punishing people who don’t do so and giving incentives to citizens to vote. I would come for that extra money.”

I like how he said he has no money. Firstly, it gives those people roaming around Mumbai for decades together a reason to not join Bollywood - it pays zilch. Then there's the fact that continuously being around vapid, underweight actresses gives you a sense of superiority that makes you look like a douche. And, finally, because I had to say it, gives men a reason not to get their ears pierced...
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Issues That Didn't Matter in the Election '09

I stumbled cross this bulletin article on India-forums on the writer's take on the "Eight Issues That Didn't Matter in Campaign 2009" and I found that it hit home certain sides I just never thought about. Give it a read here: India-forums.com

:)

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Afghanistan's Only Pig Quarantined in Fear of Flu

RUNNNNNNNNN!!!

A few years ago, China gifted Afghanistan a little piggy for the Kabul Zoo which became somewhat of an attraction in the strict Muslim nation where pork consumption is not permitted by religion. And now the animal has been locked up in a room so as to prevent people from thinking they'll catch the H1N1 virus from a pig that has neither been in contact with others of its kind or ever flown to Mexico.

More from Reuters:

KABUL - Afghanistan's only known pig has been locked in a room, away from visitors to Kabul zoo where it normally grazes beside deer and goats, because people are worried it could infect them with the virus popularly known as swine flu.

"For now the pig is under quarantine, we built it a room because of swine influenza," Aziz Gul Saqib, director of Kabul Zoo, told Reuters. "We've done this because people are worried about getting the flu."

Worldwide, more than 1,000 people have been infected with the virus, according to the World Health Organization, which also says 26 people have so far died from the strain.

"We understand that, but most people don't have enough knowledge. When they see the pig in the cage they get worried and think that they could get ill," Saqib said.

Makes sense. Why educate the common masses when you can just promote the usual prejudice, something we all know is easier to deal with?

Hey, I just got that feeling. You know, the kind you get when you roll your eyes so hard, your contact lens pop out? Awesome :)
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Bytes

This is when I get too bored with the news for the day, or am too deeply engrossed in the Chennai-Kolkata match to care enough about anything else:

Byte 1:
Turns out, Prabhakaran? Really dead. Also, Tamil Nadu? Doesn't give a shit.

It's been some 24-odd hours since the news that the LTTE chief and his son were killed by the Lankan Army while attempting to escape, but there hasn't been any official news aired on ANY Tamil channel. Remember the last time the LTTE issue blew out of proportion (like a month ago) and the Tamil Nadu chief minister and self-proclaimed best buddy of Prabhakaran went on an all-out hunger strike of some six hours or so? Back then, they had that little tidbit of news of every Tamil channel that every existed, except on those belonging to his opponent. And now, his BFF gets shot to death, and no response?? Oh wait, I forgot. The elections are over.


Byte 2:
In more this-made-me spit-my-morning-coffee news, in response to the UPA's landslide victory *grumble* the sensex went kinda berseck. And by that, I mean shooting up by 2,110.79 points at 14,272.63 (17.34% up). The National Stock Exchange's Nifty shot up by 636.40 points at 4,308.05 (17.77%). And the most constructive solution to this (of course) was closing the stock market a mere minute after trading began.
I'm just worried how much this will sky-rocket again when the budget is introduced...


Byte 3:
Remember this? RR Patil's disapproving face won after all, since actor Akshay Kumar landed on Indian soil today and was immediately arrested on grounds of alleged obscene behaviour under articles 34 and 294 of the IPC. There was some obviously bored social worker at the Lakme Fashion Week who was kind enough to point out the fact that Kumar's wife unbuttoned *giggle* his jeans, even though his label tells him to do exactly that. What? He was just following what his multi-crore contract deal with Levi's was asking him to do.
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Swine Flew in !

I couldn't resist that pun. I just couldn't resist it.

Well more importantly, the Indian government has succeeded again. As if they did not already have more than their fair share of problems- plus the neighbors share and then some- beating them on their collective head, the bovine heard that administrates the whole system contrived to give the Old Budia Party a gift for their win.

*Does his best Arnab Goswami impression*

We have, ladies and Gentlemen, been able to gain entry into the lofty enclaves of those hallowed halls comprising of those countries where the Swine flu case has been reported.

Indian Express has this to say......

New Delhi:

India on Saturday confirmed its first case of swine flu (H1N1 virus) in a 23-year-old man who arrived in Hyderabad from the US. The IT student whose samples confirmed positive for H1N1 virus has been put in isolation, and his co-passengers who departed New York on May 11 (Emirates Airline EK-202), transiting Dubai (Emirates airline EK-524) were being tracked.

“We have informed Dubai and New York health authorities through the World Health Organisation (WHO) about the case and informed them to track all those he might have passed on the infection to,” Health Secretary Naresh Dayal told The Sunday Express, confirming the case.

According to the Health Ministry officials, all the passengers who travelled in the connecting flight from Dubai to Hyderabad have been identified and they were being contacted through Integrated Disease Surveillance Project. “Their health status would be monitored. These passengers are also being advised to remain under quarantine for a period of seven days,” added ministry officials.

Bravo ! I say. So they have been able to track all his co-passengers and have advised them to remain under quarantine. When was the last time an Indian person did what he was advised to do ?

Now why am I so livid with these grass-grazing goat kissers ? Well I just had the honor of gracing the new and improved Indira Gandhi International Airport. My flight arrived at around 2 45 am along with two more flights, one of which came from China( I know so because the plane had mandarin printed on it. Ha! ).

So as we move towards the immigration counter,but unfortunately( just as it mostly happens on the roads here ) there is an impediment in our way. A temporary counter has been hurriedly-and truth be told, rather shabbily- been put in our way. It contains place for at least three medical officers.

Instead, a balding, hairy and shockingly obese person sits there abusing a chair, with the face mask hanging on his ear like a fashion accessory, one hand in the folds of his shirt, scratching his chest and generally giving off the air of a pimp lording about his street.

So then we fill these forms specifying that we have not visited any of the swine flu infected countries. He didn't' tell us that though. No Sir! Thats not in his job profile. Speaking to menial people like us is just too degrading for His Baldness. We got to know that only when some of were turned away from the immigration counter for not having our forms signed by the Chief Medical Officer.

But He didn't tell us that either. He was just there to give autographs. Soon there was a very Indian commotion around him. A herd of braying people had surrounded him and were asking him to sign their forms. And like a true Showman-cum-royalty that His Arse-ness is, he was signing each and every paper being thrust in front of his enormous nose.

Now I have heard from reliable sources that bacterias and flu viruses can travel almost 1 meter through the air. There was a freaking huge number of people surrounding him containing Indians from god knows where and Chinese from some where in china. At that time, a human case had already been confirmed there. They should have been separated from the start, they should have been checked separately. But NO! His holy Arseness kept signing the papers, as in a daze and without reading any of them.

Now does that not sound as if the aforementioned bovine heard actually wants the virus to spread ? Because otherwise, we can only assume that not only do they have the intelligence level of a goo, but they are also moronic imbeciles who should be slapped ten times a day just on general principal.

Hence I shall stop frothing and venting my spleen and shall conclude that our administrators have some hidden plan. Because the other possibility is good enough to make me consider bashing some heads.

I seem to be in a violent mood.

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Prabhakaran May Have Killed Himself

Was it the mustache? Is it shaming him?

Did LTTE chief Prabhakaran pull the gun on himself? Or did he just pop a vial of cyanide, a la Hitler. Or did Hitler shoot himself in the head? Ah, whatever. Any kind of death is still too gentle for this guy.

IBN News says:

Liberation Tiger of Tamil Eelam (LTTE) chief V Prabhakaran could be dead with Sri Lankan army sources telling CNN-IBN that his body has been recovered and is being taken to an army camp in Colombo.

Sri Lankan army sources say they have recovered 150 bodies of LTTE cadres but the bodies are still being identified.

According to reports all civilians held hostage by the LTTE have now been freed from the battle zone.

The report comes even as the Lankan government announced it had captured the final stronghold of the LTTE, and that the top LTTE leadership may have committed mass suicide.

"I am proud to announce... that my government with the total commitment of our armed forces, has in an unprecedented humanitarian operation, finally defeated the LTTE militarily," said Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapaksa.

The Lankan army claims to have intercepted LTTE messages of mass suicide of rebel leaders.

Well, if he really is dead, Rajapaksa would confirm that little piece of news in a separate byte, considering that would be the Lankan Army's biggest victory since... ever, and the fact that announcing it would bring down international pressure on them since they at least managed to kill the dude that started all this.

But do you want to know exactly why I don't believe this? 'Cause if it was true, Karunanidhi would have called his breakfast-to-lunch hunger strike again.

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Election News - The Verdict

Well, the results are in.

And The Empress says that The Puppet shall remain King. Big surprise. Like she wanted the pressure of the job. Better to pull the strings, don't you think ?

The Also Ran finally gives in and says that he shall lead no more. I kind of pity him. Always being the second-in-command must finally have had an effect on him. Even this time, the voice of the sycophants was shriller in proclaiming the Star Campaigner. Sigh !

The expelled Saint calls the leadership of his former party "narcissist".

His exact statement was, "the party is not stronger under him (the guy who kicked him out)" and added that "narcissistic leadership will not help".

Cat fight for retirees. Nice !

The smooth shaved Newbie pulled of a coup in UP. He says he would like to join the cabinet. somebody call mummy !

The regional parties have been made to eat their words. Lalu made a great show of doing it. The posturing and preening before the elections, then having to eat the humble pie. Entertaining to watch.

The good thing for us - no fractured mandate, loss of Left, a serious chance for a party to show that it can accomplish something. At least now they won't give us the normal excuse of being hamstrung by the demands of the allies.

That's all that my DBZ hammered brain can report at this moment.

My brief for today was to report only on the election.
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Intro!

Ah, finally. Done with the biggest exam of my life. Yet.

Which calls for some good news: We have a new blogger on PIMM who, in his own honey-coated words, is a "certified genius and a bit of a hunk". Yeah, it's a guy.

Now why would we hire a boy (gasp) of all people? Are the Smartasses so desperate? Well, not really. He's just good at his work, and usually funny when he isn't being offensive. Just like us!

So here's introducing toon.from.hell! I'm guessing the name is a direct repercussion of all the Dragonball-Z he used to watch. And he'll be covering the election news for the rest of the day since I really need to go study for my future and stuff like that.
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A New Day. A New Kasab Piece.

So this is Ajmal Amir Kasab's mugshot gracing my blog. I can't even bring myself to make any more comments, so here's what TimesNow.tv has to say:

After a Special court in Mumbai put 86 charges against the lone surviving terrorist of the 26/11 Mumbai attacks, Mohammad Ajmal Amir Kasav, he pleaded not guilty. In an effort to manipulate the law and make Kasav escape the death penalty, Kasav's lawyer, Abbas Kazmi, said that that Kasav was not waging war on India, but was trying to liberate Kashmir by committing terror acts on Mumbai.

The court framed charges against the 35 others accused including Faheem Ansari, Sabauddin Ahmed and Kasav. Kasav has been charged with unlawful activities, arms act, customs act, explosives act, foreigners act and prevention of damage to public property act, among others.

Reacting to the trial of Kasav, senior criminal lawyer Majid Memon said that undue importance has been given to the terrorist's claim.

WTF? 86 charges and he's still pleading 'not guilty'? And most of the Acts he's charged under seem so... blah. Customs Act? Unlawful activities? Damage to public property?? Now I'm not going to claim to know much about the law, but there should be some law that sums up everything a terrorist could possibly do and kick his ass back. This is off the top of my head, but I'm thinking... "That's for blowing up our city, you bastard, now you can go burn in hell for all eternity like a truck tire" Act. Just a thought.
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So... When They Say "The Best Job in the World"...

...they totally mean it.

Southall, a British charity worker, beat over 34,000 applicants, including his final opponent, an Indian RJ Anjaan, to win a freaking $150,000 deal with Tourism Queensland to become the new caretaker of a tropical Australian island along the Great Barrier Reef.

So now not only does he get paid to promote the heritage site, he's going to living in a 30bedroom villa off the coast of Hamilton Island. A villa supplied with a private swimming pool and a buggy for travelling. Granted, he'll be stuck on the island for a while, but he gets to keep in touch with the rest of the world via a blog, and last I checked, that ain't so bad...

You'd be wondering, "why the hell is this post up here anyway? You can't really make any wisecracks on it." Well, the campaign's already made about AU$110 million in ads and publicity, so if all it takes is a post to save a bunch of natural corals that keep most of the Australian coast still bearable to live in, then who am I to argue?
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And It Just Took Five Months...

News flash --- Turns out Ajmal Amir Kasab? Not a minor, after all!

DUN DUN DUNNN.


In other news, the guy also happens to be a terrorist.

*gasp*

Who'd have thought...?
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Who Else is Hoping This is Swine Flu?

And also wishing that India runs out of TamiFlu just seconds before Karunanidhi is diagnosed with the disease? I wouldn't mind dying of a pandemic if it means I can take down some bloodthirsty politicians with me...

More from Rediff.com:

Tamil Nadu Chief Ministry and DMK chief M. Karunanidhi was on Sunday admitted to Apollo Hospital in Chennai due to high fevers, doctors said.

The 85-year-old leader was admitted to the hospital in the morning and is undergoing treatment. According to DMK sources, Karunanidhi also complained of severe back pain.

Karunanidhi, who underwent a major surgery for his back problem in February, has hit the campaign trail for the Lok Sabha elections only two days ago.

Is this guy trying to pull an MGR? MG Ramachandran (who was probably worshiped by your parents, if you're from the South) won an entire state assembly election with about twice the number of votes than Karunanidhi won, and all while he was in the hospital with a bullet in his neck. Call it sympathy votes, but the dude went on to win every election he stood in and the DMK had really no chance till he died in office. That, people, is called Charisma. And also the reason people like SRK would win if they contested
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Who'd Have the Heart to Kill That??

News has been a little slow over the last few days. I mean, it's suddenly all swine flu this and swine flu that, so I'm desperately looking for something else to write about. And then I came across this:

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's team on tigers is meeting on Monday, just a couple of days after the latest tiger crisis.

The tigers have been wiped out of the Panna Reserve. A Central team visited the Panna reserve in Madhya Pradesh and reported that there was not a single male tiger left in the park.

The high level team is warning of a new crisis - tigers in south India could be equally vulnerable.

The alarming statistics paint a grim picture of a dwindling tiger population. Just recently, two tigresses from Bandhavgarh and Kahna national parks were brought to Panna to breed with male tigers, but none were found.

"I am not denying its poaching, but we have no proof for that. If there is poaching we have to find new ways of controlling poaching," said H S Pabla, Wildlife Conservator, Madhya Pradesh.

Poaching, encroachment on tiger habitat, or simply negligence -- today in India there are just 1,400 tigers left. Just 10 years back, the number was 4,000. India's National animal is on the verge of extinction.

What the hell?? What kind of a sick bastard would want to kill something so cute, and obviously so majestic?

I mean, awwwwwww.

So tigers are scary sometimes. But everyone's seen The Lion King right? The lions that are not dark in colour or named 'Scar' tend to be good lions. They kill just for food, since they respect the Circle of Life and stuff. Granted, the movie was about a bunch of lions, but tigers are cats too and way more cooler since stripes > messy manes.

Whoa! Who'd want to even approach this beast,
let alone try killing it?

And what sort of retarded tiger reserve would buy tigresses for breeding without checking if there were any male tigers left in the first place? Do they not understand the basics of mammalian reproduction? And why are we restricting ourselves to cloning sheep and dogs when there are clearly already millions of them? Sometimes, humanity pisses me off to the extent that I wish we had remained apes.

At least that way, we'd get along with the tigers...
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Dhoni Will Now Burn in Hell

The Self-Proclaimed King of Everything, Amitabh Bachchan, was probably the one who caused the freak outbreak of swine flu all across the world, in retaliation to MS Dhoni's delayed response to his SMSs. Even Zen and the Art of Living describes that a sound life revolves around good food, sleep, exercise and morals. And the continuous appeasement of the Bachchans.

Here's the snippet from Bachchan's blog on BigAdda:

"Knowing his closeness to Dhoni, I complain to John (Abraham) about Mahi not responding to the message of greeting I had sent him on his decoration of the Padma Shri. He says he shall connect me immediately right away. I stop him. Ask him to look up at the TV - Chennai is playing Royal Rajasthan and Dhoni is very much on the field - IN SOUTH AFRICA !!

I had wished Harbhajan too on his Padma Shri and we had spoken to each other about my message to Mahi. He had ,even, graciously passed on my greetings to him. But still no response. Must have been busy. John has given me his mobile now and said he shall have a word with him on this. No sweat. So long as Dhoni keeps whacking the hell out of the opposition, I am fine."

Uhh, Mr. King? Has the fact that the Chennai Super Kings were being thrashed to their last hair completely managed to escape your attention? Maybe he was busy, I dunno, because he actually wanted to be on the field for the shitload of money he was paid. The money he got to play. Play. Not to respond to messages congratulating him for a Padma Shri he didn't want/accept since he has enough dignity and self-respect to stay away from national awards that are presented to people like Akshay Kumar and Helen for their "unparalleled contribution to cinema and the arts".

Or maybe he just anticipated their antics (below) at their polling booth on the 30th of April in Mumbai (Juhu?). I like the "don't mess with me" look that Abhishek is throwing at the cameraman. If you get rid of the shades, you could feel his eyes screaming at you, "Get me emancipated from this family NOW!!"


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Guess Who's Being a Diva?

No no. It's not Kareena Kapoor this time. But it's someone is much closer to our hearts (and by that, I refer to the cardiac-wrenching pain you get every time you see this guy in the news) - yeah, it's Ajmal Kasab again.

Till now, he followed the general trend of requesting for toothpaste, Urdu newspapers, a copy of his 11,000 page chargesheet in Urdu. And when it looked like the court was going to comply, he gave a shifty grin, tipped his cowboy hat low over his head and said in a husky voice imitating Clint Eastwood, "I'd like some Chanel perfume with that."

You know. To go with that Versace T-shirt. Brands are everything - that's the first lesson they taught in terrorist school.

More from NDTV, because even if I hate it, they still do report stuff for me to ridicule:

Day 8 into the 26/11 trial comes captured 26/11 terrorist Ajmal Qasab's wish list: Toothpaste, Urdu newspapers.. standard requests in all trials. But the most surprising one here is 'perfume'.

Says Qasab's lawyer Abbas Kazmi: "Perhaps his cell is stinking because he has to answer nature's call there."

Qasab has also asked for the money found on him when he was arrested to be transferred to a jail account for his use.

When asked by the judge what he read in Pakistan, Qasab said Nawa-e-Waqt. Qasab also wants the police to allow him to get out of his cell for a quick walk.

In a letter written to his lawyer in Urdu, he says: "The police need not worry because that verandah is closed on all 4 sides. That is why I should be allowed to walk for some time. Staying in one room I might develop some psychological problems and things should not go out of hand."

All I can say is: I hate those human rights activists. What happened to those days when we could just hang a guy from a tree under suspicions that he was a pirate or a traitor or something? We should bring those ideals back. Sure, it'll throw democracy out of the window, but hey, our preamble says we're already secular and socialist, so who are we to deny the constitution, right?

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I'd Kill for his Job

It's been some 100-odd days since a black dude became the "leader" of the "free world" and the most Barack Obama has done is condemn a couple of Arab countries for a whole bunch of crap. That, and adopting a dog. And posing for magazines. If that doesn't convince kids to join politics, what else would?

Anywho, from NDTV - snippets of Obama speech on the 100th-day anniversary of his appointment into the freaking White House:

In an extraordinary censure of the civilian government of Pakistan, US President Barack Obama on Thursday described it as "very fragile" and not seeming to have the capacity to deliver even basic services to its people.

As a consequence, it is very difficult for the government to gain the support and the loyalty of the people, Obama said in unusual remarks.

"I'm more concerned that the civilian government there right now is very fragile and don't seem to have the capacity to deliver basic services -- schools, health care, rule of law, a judicial system that works for the majority of the people," Obama said in a prime-time news conference marking the 100-day of his presidency.

Pakistan's government is fragile? Schools, health care and enforcement of law are basic services? And it took months of speculation and internet geek-wars between McCain and Obama supporters and the biggest inauguration ceremony ever to get to this conclusion? My brother would have told you the same thing, and he's twelve.

I can't believe I'm saying this --- but Chidambaram would be better any day.

*retch*

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Didn't Expect This

While the actual team members are having their perfectly proportioned backsides kicked, the rest of Team KKR doesn't seem to be doing all that well either. Remember that dreadful "reality" show where SRK picked a bunch of overtly peppy schoolgirls with the promise of their fifteen minutes of obviously well-deserved fame? Yeah, turns out they can't really have those fifteen minutes after all.

Nothing is going right for SRK. Not only is his IPL team Kolkatta Knight Riders facing one humiliating defeat after another, now he has to send back the cheerleaders who had been selected to encourage his team during matches.

Sourav Ganguly and a team of judges had zeroed in on six girls who would travel with the team to South Africa and be the cheerleaders for KKR. This selection was done through a reality TV show on NDTV Imagine called Knights and Angels. Therefore, Sanna, Samyukta, Ritika, Ananya, Sunanda and Rupali went all the way to Cape Town, hoping to show off their talent to the entire world. But like everyone associated with KKR they were in for disappointment.

Reports say that security personnel disallowed any outsiders to be on the field, and as a result, only South African girls could be cheerleaders for the tournament. It is reported that SRK tried every possible maneuver to get these girls their due, but all attempts failed. Now that KKR's fate in the IPL looks shaky, the girls are being sent back home.

To make things worse, it seems there might be some payment issues involved and the contract these girls signed may also be null and void.

The only consolation was that the girls got to share SRK's VIP box to watch the matches. But after weeks of grueling routines and competition, this isn't very much.

Hold the phone! Ganguly was present at this jig? Why wasn't he practicing with the rest of his team? Was this his own form of personal revenge for not being chosen as the sole captain? Is KKR losing because of some conspiracy on his part? Has he changed his spectacles yet? 'Cause I though being a famous cricketer and all helped speed along the income generation. So why no contacts, Saurav? Too many questions, too few PR people.

P.S. This article had some 20-odd spelling errors. You'd think NDTV could afford a document software with a spell checker...
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Whoops

Hello, all!

Sorry for not posting for so long, but some things have been keeping me occupied.

Like the fact that we may soon have another smartass-in-writing on this blog, and while I can make no promises, I'm freaking excited too.

So, I leave you, with these so-cute-you-want-to-hug-it-to-the-point-of-strangling-it pictures of kittens in a basket! And who doesn't like kittens with large eyes and adorable whiskers, huh?

-Over and out-
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Rahul Gandhi: Not Ready to be PM

At least he has the decency to admit he doesn't quite have the necessary qualifications to be a PM just yet, even as his entire family, and the rest of the Congress, is hell bent on making sure he's the next PM candidate. It's sounds like a Shakespearean tragedy, where a man must choose between his family pressures and appearing sane to the public with his dignity intact.

He stated there were two reasons he wouldn't accept the PM post just yet:

"One is that I am working in the organisation of the Congress party which I think is fundamental for this country. I think it is very important for a strong, progressive, pro-poor youth organisation is developed in this country and that is a very, very big priority of mine.

"Number two is I don't think I have the experience to be the Prime Minister of the country right now," he said.

He earned a gold star in my book for that. But then he had to open his mouth again and say this:

Gandhi struck an aggressive note on being quizzed about the Bofors controversy and the 1984 anti-Sikh riots and whether he was prepared to apologise for them.

"There is absolutely nothing that I have to apologise about Bofors. It is a complete lie," he said adding that the controversy was a "calumny" spread by the Opposition for 20 years.

Rahul also hit out at the BJP blaming them of Babri Masjid demolition.

"Babri Masjid was broken by the politics of BJP. It was broken by the politics of division, it was broken by dividing Indians against Indians."

Striking the opposition for their mistakes, yet not willing to accept your own party's errors shows that he has a lot more growing up to do. Especially when both the incidents were proven to have a major Congress hand, just as the Babri Masjid incident was pinned on the BJP.

Ah, well, that's just the Congress influence for you...
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I Love Him, But I Adore Blacklighting Him Even More

SRK might be forcefully removed from stadium grounds if he's caught smoking at the IPL matches again, and there's no way he can hide that since the cameras pan on him more often than on his own team. Here's more from NDTV.com:

The National Organisation for Tobacco Eradication (NOTE), has protested against filmstar Shahrukh Khan who was shown on the TV screen smoking during an IPL match on April 21 in South Africa.

NOTE has asked the South African National Council Against Smoking (NCAS) to consider the issue seriously and stop smoking in the stadium during Indian Premier League matches.

"I chatted with them and sent details and motivation to the supersport. They are the broadcasters. I am soliciting an agreement that they will not show anyone smoking," Peter Ucko from NCAS has informed NOTE.

NOTE General Secretary Shekhar Salkar said that they had contacted NCAS to explore possible advocacy that can be coordinated in South Africa after King Khan was shown puffing on a television screen.

The NCAS in their reply has said that the Act which will ban smoking in sport stadium is not yet in force.

He said that smoking is not permitted in an enclosed area and if Khan does it again I am asking management to tell him that if he fails to comply they will remove him from the grounds, he said.

Poor guy. I say the guy should custom-design a plastic bubble for himself to he can smoke in peace. The addictive haze of poisonous tobacco smoke is pretty much the only thing holding him back from screaming like a girl every time the KKR loses.
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On Request

A friend asked me to do a piece on the recent Akriti Bhatia controversy, expecting my usual cynicism on the topic. But frankly, it hardly calls for any sarcastic remarks, not just because it would be distasteful, but since it's already a very obvious issue that we know prevails, but very few attempt to fix. My own school had terribly unhygienic bathrooms, a nurse who would make you pay for sanitary napkins and an administration that just never quite cared if you were genuinely sick, since it was a generalized notion that all kids tend to fake illnesses to skip class. That was the degree of trust and responsibility the school had over the kids. And we just couldn't care less, never bothering to complain about it or pose it as a serious issue so that it can be rectified.

I also found certain facts quite odd, one being that Akriti was not in possession of an asthma spray. Every child who is diagnosed with asthma is required to carry the mouth spray around for a temporary relief in case of an attack so that they can at least request help. And it is true that not all schools are given nebulizers since it is required that they be used with caution and in the most severe of emergencies. It is also not possible for all schools to have an on-call doctor since the doctor-patient ratio in the country is already at a pathetic number.

Further, many facts still remain unclear, like those of the exact time taken since she went to the school clinic to when she reached the hospital, and whether she complained of a discomfort or recognized that it was an asthma attack.

I'm quite sick of cynicism at this point, especially when it comes to school-related controversies such as slow medical attention and ragging. They are definitely issues to deal with, but when the media highlights to such a point that it stands on the knife edge that wavers between the duty of a journalist and the disgusting lack of media ethics, you tend to sit back and wonder how cases involving humiliation and pain for the parties concerned can be so blatantly projected, just to take full advantage of a little necessary evil called 'freedom of the press'.
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I Can't Believe I Forgot!

The Unofficial Personification of Sex Appeal, Mr. Dev Patel, turned 19 yesterday and I missed out on that because I was too busy eating cake at my own brother's birthday party. He turned 12, by the way. It's a year late, but we're expecting his Hogwarts acceptance letter pretty soon.

Anyhotness, I still can't get over how Frieda Pinto is sticking onto my Dev. I get it, she's going international now. She has a makeup label that's dumping Gwyneth Paltrow for her and she's snagged a movie with Woody Allen, but seriously, woman, HANDS OFF!

By the way, these two were spotted canoodling in Tel Aviv where Pinto is shooting for her next movie. Sometimes I think there's just no justice in the world...
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He Beat Me To It

I can't believe someone beat me to my dream of becoming a secret blogger report from the depths of an IPL team. Dammit!

So this blogger, who is allegedly part of the Kolkata Knight Riders, had been spraying venomous words about the IPL all over the internet, something I've always wanted to do, but never quite accomplished. Some say this is because I am far too awesome to succumb to petty efforts like his. But I'd wager it has something to with my complete lack of hand-eye coordination and general suckiness in organized sports that prevented me from joining KKR and spilling the IPL's deep, dark secrets.

Then again, we have people like SRK who talk so much that there isn't much news to report, so the job would have been a futile one.
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Another Day Highlighting a Good Cause...

...that proves insignificant when compared to the economy, your job, your education, your mortgaged home and the cute guy next door who accidentally smiled at you this morning.



Cleverly Photoshopped images, like the one above, tend to trigger your tear glands and make you, temporarily, sympathize with poor, burdened Mother Earth. And a few moments later when you find out that the Kolkatta Knight Riders won their second IPL match this year (worthless win, though), the fact that the planet might become a ball of floating ash and dust in a few years hardly frazzles you.

Why this nonsense, you ask? Well, today happens to be Earth Day, not to be mistaken by World Environment Day, which is marked on June 5th. Or Arbor Day, on the last Friday of every April. Or the Bike-to-Work Day, third Friday in May. Or the Car-Free Day, September 22nd. Or World Habitat Day, first Monday of October. Or Zero Emissions Day, September 20th. Or Day for Water, March 22nd. Or Ecological Debt Day, September 23rd. Or Ozone Action Day, which happens at select times of select months that no one knows about.

Maybe life would be easier for environmentalists and the people they are trying to convince if they just had one freaking Earth Day and instead of lecturing people to be kind to Mamma Earth on that one day, just advocate everyday as one. Not that anyone is going to listen, but it's worth a shot.
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Cheap Shot

The Naxals wanted attention. And congrats, losers, now you have it.

Jharkhand seems to be bearing the immense brunt of the Naxal's fury as a series of tragic events have been taking place there prior to the second phase of the elections which is to start tomorrow. At around 7.30am today morning, around 200 Naxals hijacked a train on its way from Barkakana to Mughalsarai. Security forces were rushed to the area and after a few hours of total disarray, no thanks to the utter lack of a plan (except, you know, "storming in and rescuing everyone heroically") and the frenzy caused by national news channels, the Naxals obviously got bored and released the 700 or so passengers. Well, they got the media coverage they needed, didn't they?

This attack (I guess) comes after a series of public assaults by the Naxalites, preceded by the bomb blast at Utari railway station, just a few minutes before the Rajdhani Express was scheduled to pass. Several bomb blasts and small instances of violence have also been reported in Bihar.


A quick Wikipedia search says that over 6000 civilians and police employs have been killed (ruthlessly, I might add) at the hands of the Naxals. Sometimes, I still don't get what the hell they're trying to convey. Are the against the government, or just certain policies? Are the against general public welfare, or they supporting it, 'cause killing hundreds of thousand of people doesn't really qualify as 'public welfare' in my books. Are they aliens, just waiting to kill of minorities and random citizens one by one, before taking over.. uhh.. India? Or maybe just North-east India, Bengal and Bihar. Or are they fighting against democracy in general?

Oh, who cares? We've given them more than enough attention already *grumbles*
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Israel Owns All. End of Story.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Despite how so many people pretend to support Palestine, even as they are awed by Israel's military and administrative superiority that, I assume, is incomparable, the recent UN anti-racism conference in Geneva (April 20th) makes me wonder if people really are thinking this through or just going with the flow, just as a majority of mankind does.

An international conference on racism fell into disarray as Iran's president launched a verbal onslaught against Israel, triggering a mass walkout and furious rebukes from Western capitals.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who has previously called for the Jewish state to be wiped off the map, criticised the creation of a "totally racist government in occupied Palestine" in 1948, calling it "the most cruel and repressive racist regime.

"The UN Security Council helped stabilise this occupation regime and supported it for the past 60 years, giving them a free hand to continue their crimes," he said.

United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon, who had earlier berated countries for boycotting the meeting, accused the Iranian leader of incitement, while other Western leaders lined up to condemn his remarks.

"I deplore the use of this platform by the Iranian president to accuse, divide and even incite," Ban said in a statement. "This is the opposite of what this conference seeks to achieve."

The United States, which led 10 countries in boycotting the meeting, said the furore vindicated the decision by the countrys first African-American president to shun the UN conference on racism in Geneva.

-Indiatvnews.com

So far, Israel, Canada, the United States, Italy, Australia, New Zealand, the Neatherlands, Germany, Poland, and the Czech Republic have boycotted the session. Ten nations out of some 190-odd countries participating in the summit. The rest of the world still remains stuck to their seats in the conference, even as it has evolved into an ugly scene of hate and pro-racist drama. Goes to show that herd-mentality is a still a force to be reckoned with.
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You Go, Girl!

You go, girl: A phrase commonly used by minority female characters in a B-list Hollywood movie to symbolize feminism in their community while stereotyping minority groups in general.


For those of you who have been living under a rock over the last week or so (I was on holiday, so I don't count), Sanjay Dutt has given a little monologue to UP chief minister Mayawati, which was meant to make people relate to him, you know, as an actor:

Actor turned politician Sanjay Dutt has landed in another controversy.

This time he made an offer of a jadu ki jhappi (magical hug) to Uttar Pradesh chief minister Mayawati.

Sanjay Dutt, “I haven't come here to give a speech, mos1 I've come here to do 'Gandhigiri', I will give Mayawati jaadu ki jhappi, and a big kiss.”

In the film, Munnabhai's gesture would turn enemies into friends, but the belligerent behenji of the BSP is not the sort who turns the other cheek and clearly is no fan of Munnabhai's Gandhigiri either.

Considering how Mayawati has already proved herself to be quite badass (even more so than Phoolan Devi) and could take down Cokehead Dutt in seconds, it was not-so-surprising when she came out with a byte so polite that it hurt, while issuing a police notice in his name:

Mayawati saw this as an opportunity to score political points against her rival camp Samajwadi Party (SP) and decided that this was too sexist a remark for her to ignore in keeping with the jee huzoori in UP.

The Pratapgarh DM has promptly served a notice to Sanjay Dutt asking him to explain himself within 24 hours.

The District Magistrate has also asked the police to investigate if the matter requires a case to be registered against Dutt junior.

She also hit out with this:

"My political opponents have no good work to their credit and are demoralised over the BSPs growing popularity. Hence, they are now gathering people who are good at little except singing, dancing and "farzi" fake Gandhigiri", the BSP supremo told an election meeting in Allahabad.

Without naming Dutt or the Samajwadi Party which has made the actor its General Secretary, she said, "Our political opponents need to remember that naachne-gaane wale those who sing and dance, through their farzi Gandhigiri, may attract huge crowds but will not help them get votes".

Wow, dude. Heard your wife stormed out to the Bahamas or something. I'd join her if I were you, 'cause I'm sensing a lot of pissed-off UP people will be marching towards your home in a few days, and it might not necessarily be for a jaadu ki jhappi.

Ref: Timesnow.tv and Indiatvnews.com
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Sonia: Advani slave to RSS

If looks could kill...

Sonia Gandhi loves involving herself in conversations that never included her in the first place. Which is why when the current PM and the next BJP PM hopeful had a tiff with some embarrassingly childish insults, Ms.Gandhi felt a dire need to respond even as she wasn't asked a question. I think it's a family problem, even Priyanka can't keep her mouth shut.


NDTV:

Stepping up attack on NDA's Prime Ministerial candidate L K Advani for his weak PM remarks against Manmohan Singh, Congress president Sonia Gandhi said on Saturday that the BJP leader himself "cannot take any decision without the approval of Sangh Parivar".

"The leader (Advani) who has targeted our Prime Minister, can he ever take a decision without the approval of Sangh Parivar? He even had to quit his post once. Then you know who is weak," she said.

"Congress does not run on the instruction or order of anybody. It takes its orders from people," she told an election rally in Pangidi.

Gandhi had on April 15 alleged that the BJP leader was a "slave of the RSS", while dismissing his oft-repeated charge of Manmohan Singh being a weak Prime Minister.

She ridiculed BJP's charges of the UPA being "soft on terror", saying her party has never been weak in fighting terrorists.

As a note, the RSS stands for Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh, a non-profit charity organization that every member in the BJP is part of by default. They've done some pretty good work and are obviously a force to be reckoned with.

And it's funny that this byte is to boost the image of Manmohan Singh, who from what everyone knows, obviously consults Sonia for everything. I mean, the guy holds the most powerful position in the country (besides, you know, the Tatas, Ambanis and SRK) and he still lets his deputy walk before him for public meetings and conferences? If he has an inkling of self-respect, he would call her out on it and ask her to, please, madam, follow MY lead, since I am YOUR leader and definitely not the other way round.

It's a shame that we're losing good men to the dictating principles of hierarchy that still forms such a major part of our administration.

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(Insert Lame Salman Khan Joke Here)

Remember the guy who shot at black buck deers, ran over street dwellers, verbally assaulted famous ex-girlfriends and starred in the disaster that was Hello? Yeah, well he's gotten crazier than was earlier predicted.

Salman Khan, or Sallu as Bombay Times affectionately refers to him, has recently been out of his protected studios to campaign for friends who are standing for the elections. On Sunday morning, he arrived at Nashik to support NCP candidate Sameer Bhujpal. A few hours before that he evoked utter chaos at a rally for Satyajit Gaekwad. And on the 9th of April, we flew to Punjab to show his support to fellow actor Vinod Khanna.

Who are members of the NCP, the Congress and the BJP respectively.

I appreciate his efforts, especially when a certain other Khan is partying it up in South Africa with the cheerleaders and general Indian national cricket team rejects. And in his defense, he said that he was campaigning for his friends and not for a party in particular. But in times like this you have to ask, is Salman Khan a loyal friend-in-need or just politically messed up due to accidentally shooting himself in the head with his hunting rifle?
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I'm Blaming Palak for This

I really hate her.

A nine-year-old boy who I won't name on this blog, recently imitated a stunt on one of the Roadies - Hell Down Under episodes. You know, the one where Palak and the other chick have nooses around their necks, waiting for Nauman to rescue them.

The child's uncle said, "He watched the episode on the third floor of our house along with his friends and tried to imitate the stunt after his friends left. After hearing a loud noise, I rushed to the room and found Chandan hanging from the ceiling fan." (Source: NDTV)

Also, Inspector Jaganath Saroj, Vikas Nagar police station, said: "According to his uncle, Bhagat Singh, with whom he used to live in the Vikas Nagar locality, Chandan never missed any episode of the show."

I'm not going to pull a crack at reality television and how it's ruining us, since you already know all that. Instead, I'm going to wish the boy peace and hope this doesn't continue to happen.
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Shh! It's Not Really a Spy Satellite

Even though it totally is. Introducing RISAT-2, the Radar Imaging Satellite weighing 200-kg, carried by PSLV-C12, along with 40-kg micro educational satellite ANUSAT. It lifted off from ISRO's Satish Dhawan Space Centre at about 6:45 am and placed into 550 km orbit around earth.

RISAT, in all seriousness, is one hell of a cyborg-satellite. It can take images of objects on Earth as small as one metre in length, so siting a terrorist or something would be a piece of cake. It will be very helpful in detecting natural disasters (all except earthquakes. That only animals can do) and assist in preparation and mitigation. Also, it is the satellite equivalent of your best friend peeping into your personal drawers and uncovering your deepest, darkest secrets, but involving the infringement of the privacy of foreign countries. Oh, well, if the US can do it, then Yes, We Can too. See that? That was a delicately placed jibe at Obama. I crack myself up!

But keep the news hush, 'cause the ISRO chief, Madhavan Nair, doesn't want anyone to know its true nature. He said to Times of India:

"This is an imaging satellite that can identify features on ground. There is nothing as a spy satellite. Though the satellite has a global coverage we will use it only for our use."

Dude, you just described a spy satellite in the most polite way possible.

I rest my case.
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This is Unacceptable!

Wow, I just sounded all posh and everything.


I was flipping channels on TV, quite obviously bored, and I chanced upon a press conference with BJP's spokesperson, Arun Jaitley. Being a lawyer and a superhero with words, I really like the guy and sat down to watch it when Times Now cut right across to one of their pretty intern correspondents. She was talking about the IPL.

I skipped to NDTV News: IPL.

Headlines Today: IPL.

CNN-IBN: IPL.

CNBC: IPL.

BBC: IPL (??? Don't they have any British news to report?)


So since when did T-20 cricket gain an upper hand over the elections? I'm guessing it was around the time news channels with their sensational, and as Arnab Goswami would put it, 'exclusive', news footage graced our television sets.
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Snapshots

Click to enlarge

This is the Sports section of Times Now, a news site that sucks just as much as its mother television channel. And every news article released over the last few days have all been based on the IPL.

In comparison to the three random articles that ran when the hockey team won the Azlan Shah Cup.

It's an IPL frenzy. And an ironic one, since it isn't even taking place in India. Do you realize that Lalit Modi has flown out more than two thousand Indians, including the team owners, sponsors, players and crew? To thousand Indians lost, two thousand votes lost. Prominent personalities like Tendulkar, SRK and many others might not be voting this year, and since they influence so many people, we'll have probably lost the voters they could have convinced too. The current voting rate is at about 58-62% and even a thousand people can make a reasonable difference.

It's also quite funny (and I mean banging-head-on-table-funny, not haha-funny) how Lalit Modi was depressed that the League was not going to be held in India. You know, considering he's so patriotic and all. But now that he's stolen about two thousand votes from the same India he loves so much, perspectives might change.
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Let's Analyse: Kasab's Wikipedia Page

Yep. That's how famous the guy is. He has his own Wikipedia page.

It starts very nicely, by giving his full name and then talking about how his family is a line of butchers, before going into the fact that he's in Indian custody for coldblooded murder. The then go on to list the 200-odd names he has, which caused a major confusion since Times Now had reported 'Kasab' and NDTV stated it was 'Qasab', while the rest of India weeped over how pathetic our media and communication system is. And I personally enjoyed how they put up a little flag of Pakistan right next to his birth place and nationality, kind of to bring home the fact that, hey, Zardari, how much ever you deny it, he IS from your land.

If you're in the mood for crying black tears, please check this out.
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The Cell Advantage

My cousin called a huge family meeting today (over an STD conference call, but it still counts) and announced, to no one's surprise, that she's totally knocked up :)

Which means... I'm gonna be an aunt! I'm growing up!

Which also means, all my biology lectures from secondary school will finally prove useful, and being the only other girl child in the family, I must pass on certain valuable information to her.

And being a human being in general, I must pass on the following to you :)

Stem cells are considered the pioneering science to a healthier life for millions of children and adults. Stem cells are cells that are in their generative form when the foetus is still in the womb. These cells are found in the umbilical cord connecting which provides nutrients from mother to child and have been found to be in the initial stages at which all human cells are before differentiating into those specific cells required by different organs of the body. In short, if collected at the right time, they can be used to reconstruct many basic organs in case a transplant or treatment for terminal diseases is required.

And if that doesn't spell a secure life for your children, I don't know what does.

The Life Cell International initiative helps parents-to-be to register with them, with a fee of Rs.75000 for storage of umbilical cord blood for up to 21 years. A questionnaire based on the parents' medical and sexual history has to be filled along with their particulars and sent to the mentioned address. Upon commencement of labour, a special kit is sent to the hospital registered for birth and the doctors are advised on the needful prior to the delivery. Once the blood is collected, it is couriered to their Keelakottaiyur lab in Chennai for cryo-storage.

I'm definitely younger than my sister, but I don't feel ashamed to remind her about such measures. And neither should you. Pass on the message. Just because.
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Kasav's Mom is Expected to Drop In...

His mom must be so proud...

This just in: Pranab Mukherjee, the External Affairs Minister, just announced that Ajmal Amir Kasav, also known as the certified lunatic who murdered scores of innocent civilians during the Mumbai seize, is going to be having a special visitor: his mother is coming to town. Won't they look so precious together for the media, one big happy family in the highest security prison in the state? I can almost smell the barf that will be projecting from my stomach when I see this again tomorrow in the papers.

I'm all for family reunions. I really am. But not so much when it's for a delusional, murdering psychopath who effectively split our nation into tiny fragments of immense shame and dejection as we all pranced around to his and his associates' fancy whim to participate in a bloodbath massacre.

Why is Mukherjee allowing family visits for a terrorist, a disgusting piece of an excuse for humanity? His case has been pushed back for so long, and these reports are falling in even as his case has been scheduled to start tomorrow. The news aired first on Times Now, and Shinjoy Chaudry, Senior Editor of Times Now, stated that this can be considered as good news since it confirms that Kasav is from Pakistan.

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Aww, Pumpkin. You're missing one tiny little fact. This is Pakistan we're talking about. If they went out of their way to reject Kasav and all his cronies as Pakistani citizens, then it's just going to take Zardari and Gilani a few seconds to organize a fancy press conference and say that Kasav's 'mother' isn't a Pakistan citizen either. Then you're back to square one, kid.

So while this drama enfolds, I'm going to go see if I can renounce my own Indian citizenship stating 'utter shame' as my excuse.
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Because This is So Necessary Right Now

It seems like Bollywood isn't all that happy about being left out of the spotlight, which has recently been focused on national politics for some very obvious reasons. Now, I understand the industry's desperate need to be the focus of attention all the time, but this is just ridiculous - Mukesh Bhatt just managed to snag a visit with the Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, to discuss the whole producer-multiplex fiasco. Oh, please. Like the PM is free long enough to actually reserve a spot on his busy schedule of campaigning for a -

Oh, wait. He is. More from India-Forums:

Mumbai, April 13 (IANS) In the wake of the Bollywood producers-multiplex tiff over revenue sharing, filmmaker Mukesh Bhatt met Prime Minister Manmohan Singh here Monday to discuss various issues concerning the film industry.

'I met the prime minister today (Monday) and discussed with him various issues that are affecting the industry today,' Bhatt, who is the chairman of the United Forum for Bollywood Producers and Distributors, told IANS.

'I told him that Bollywood is the biggest entertainment industry in the world after Hollywood and it also has a major cultural impact in various parts of the world, especially in South East Asia. So, our industry should be looked at by the government carefully,' Bhatt said.

'I have requested him to form a dedicated and experienced panel to look into the day-to-day working of the industry and tackle the issues in a legitimate manner without any bias, otherwise the industry would surely be extinct some day, ' he said.

As for the prime minister's response Bhatt said: 'He was very welcome to the idea. He said he can't do much as of now due to the elections. He said he would 100 percent help us and support us with such a panel if he comes to power. And I hope that happens soon.'

Though the point of discussion was primarily the revenue sharing between producers and multiplexes, Bhatt says he wanted to convey to the prime minister the need for government intervention in such matters.

You know what? The Congress should strike out 'alleviating poverty', 'promoting education', 'appeasing minorities' and 'fixing the economy' and just go ahead and add 'help the snobbish retards in the film industry' to their manifesto. That'll definitely get them votes.

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