Whoops

Hello, all!

Sorry for not posting for so long, but some things have been keeping me occupied.

Like the fact that we may soon have another smartass-in-writing on this blog, and while I can make no promises, I'm freaking excited too.

So, I leave you, with these so-cute-you-want-to-hug-it-to-the-point-of-strangling-it pictures of kittens in a basket! And who doesn't like kittens with large eyes and adorable whiskers, huh?

-Over and out-
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Rahul Gandhi: Not Ready to be PM

At least he has the decency to admit he doesn't quite have the necessary qualifications to be a PM just yet, even as his entire family, and the rest of the Congress, is hell bent on making sure he's the next PM candidate. It's sounds like a Shakespearean tragedy, where a man must choose between his family pressures and appearing sane to the public with his dignity intact.

He stated there were two reasons he wouldn't accept the PM post just yet:

"One is that I am working in the organisation of the Congress party which I think is fundamental for this country. I think it is very important for a strong, progressive, pro-poor youth organisation is developed in this country and that is a very, very big priority of mine.

"Number two is I don't think I have the experience to be the Prime Minister of the country right now," he said.

He earned a gold star in my book for that. But then he had to open his mouth again and say this:

Gandhi struck an aggressive note on being quizzed about the Bofors controversy and the 1984 anti-Sikh riots and whether he was prepared to apologise for them.

"There is absolutely nothing that I have to apologise about Bofors. It is a complete lie," he said adding that the controversy was a "calumny" spread by the Opposition for 20 years.

Rahul also hit out at the BJP blaming them of Babri Masjid demolition.

"Babri Masjid was broken by the politics of BJP. It was broken by the politics of division, it was broken by dividing Indians against Indians."

Striking the opposition for their mistakes, yet not willing to accept your own party's errors shows that he has a lot more growing up to do. Especially when both the incidents were proven to have a major Congress hand, just as the Babri Masjid incident was pinned on the BJP.

Ah, well, that's just the Congress influence for you...
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I Love Him, But I Adore Blacklighting Him Even More

SRK might be forcefully removed from stadium grounds if he's caught smoking at the IPL matches again, and there's no way he can hide that since the cameras pan on him more often than on his own team. Here's more from NDTV.com:

The National Organisation for Tobacco Eradication (NOTE), has protested against filmstar Shahrukh Khan who was shown on the TV screen smoking during an IPL match on April 21 in South Africa.

NOTE has asked the South African National Council Against Smoking (NCAS) to consider the issue seriously and stop smoking in the stadium during Indian Premier League matches.

"I chatted with them and sent details and motivation to the supersport. They are the broadcasters. I am soliciting an agreement that they will not show anyone smoking," Peter Ucko from NCAS has informed NOTE.

NOTE General Secretary Shekhar Salkar said that they had contacted NCAS to explore possible advocacy that can be coordinated in South Africa after King Khan was shown puffing on a television screen.

The NCAS in their reply has said that the Act which will ban smoking in sport stadium is not yet in force.

He said that smoking is not permitted in an enclosed area and if Khan does it again I am asking management to tell him that if he fails to comply they will remove him from the grounds, he said.

Poor guy. I say the guy should custom-design a plastic bubble for himself to he can smoke in peace. The addictive haze of poisonous tobacco smoke is pretty much the only thing holding him back from screaming like a girl every time the KKR loses.
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On Request

A friend asked me to do a piece on the recent Akriti Bhatia controversy, expecting my usual cynicism on the topic. But frankly, it hardly calls for any sarcastic remarks, not just because it would be distasteful, but since it's already a very obvious issue that we know prevails, but very few attempt to fix. My own school had terribly unhygienic bathrooms, a nurse who would make you pay for sanitary napkins and an administration that just never quite cared if you were genuinely sick, since it was a generalized notion that all kids tend to fake illnesses to skip class. That was the degree of trust and responsibility the school had over the kids. And we just couldn't care less, never bothering to complain about it or pose it as a serious issue so that it can be rectified.

I also found certain facts quite odd, one being that Akriti was not in possession of an asthma spray. Every child who is diagnosed with asthma is required to carry the mouth spray around for a temporary relief in case of an attack so that they can at least request help. And it is true that not all schools are given nebulizers since it is required that they be used with caution and in the most severe of emergencies. It is also not possible for all schools to have an on-call doctor since the doctor-patient ratio in the country is already at a pathetic number.

Further, many facts still remain unclear, like those of the exact time taken since she went to the school clinic to when she reached the hospital, and whether she complained of a discomfort or recognized that it was an asthma attack.

I'm quite sick of cynicism at this point, especially when it comes to school-related controversies such as slow medical attention and ragging. They are definitely issues to deal with, but when the media highlights to such a point that it stands on the knife edge that wavers between the duty of a journalist and the disgusting lack of media ethics, you tend to sit back and wonder how cases involving humiliation and pain for the parties concerned can be so blatantly projected, just to take full advantage of a little necessary evil called 'freedom of the press'.
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I Can't Believe I Forgot!

The Unofficial Personification of Sex Appeal, Mr. Dev Patel, turned 19 yesterday and I missed out on that because I was too busy eating cake at my own brother's birthday party. He turned 12, by the way. It's a year late, but we're expecting his Hogwarts acceptance letter pretty soon.

Anyhotness, I still can't get over how Frieda Pinto is sticking onto my Dev. I get it, she's going international now. She has a makeup label that's dumping Gwyneth Paltrow for her and she's snagged a movie with Woody Allen, but seriously, woman, HANDS OFF!

By the way, these two were spotted canoodling in Tel Aviv where Pinto is shooting for her next movie. Sometimes I think there's just no justice in the world...
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He Beat Me To It

I can't believe someone beat me to my dream of becoming a secret blogger report from the depths of an IPL team. Dammit!

So this blogger, who is allegedly part of the Kolkata Knight Riders, had been spraying venomous words about the IPL all over the internet, something I've always wanted to do, but never quite accomplished. Some say this is because I am far too awesome to succumb to petty efforts like his. But I'd wager it has something to with my complete lack of hand-eye coordination and general suckiness in organized sports that prevented me from joining KKR and spilling the IPL's deep, dark secrets.

Then again, we have people like SRK who talk so much that there isn't much news to report, so the job would have been a futile one.
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Another Day Highlighting a Good Cause...

...that proves insignificant when compared to the economy, your job, your education, your mortgaged home and the cute guy next door who accidentally smiled at you this morning.



Cleverly Photoshopped images, like the one above, tend to trigger your tear glands and make you, temporarily, sympathize with poor, burdened Mother Earth. And a few moments later when you find out that the Kolkatta Knight Riders won their second IPL match this year (worthless win, though), the fact that the planet might become a ball of floating ash and dust in a few years hardly frazzles you.

Why this nonsense, you ask? Well, today happens to be Earth Day, not to be mistaken by World Environment Day, which is marked on June 5th. Or Arbor Day, on the last Friday of every April. Or the Bike-to-Work Day, third Friday in May. Or the Car-Free Day, September 22nd. Or World Habitat Day, first Monday of October. Or Zero Emissions Day, September 20th. Or Day for Water, March 22nd. Or Ecological Debt Day, September 23rd. Or Ozone Action Day, which happens at select times of select months that no one knows about.

Maybe life would be easier for environmentalists and the people they are trying to convince if they just had one freaking Earth Day and instead of lecturing people to be kind to Mamma Earth on that one day, just advocate everyday as one. Not that anyone is going to listen, but it's worth a shot.
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Cheap Shot

The Naxals wanted attention. And congrats, losers, now you have it.

Jharkhand seems to be bearing the immense brunt of the Naxal's fury as a series of tragic events have been taking place there prior to the second phase of the elections which is to start tomorrow. At around 7.30am today morning, around 200 Naxals hijacked a train on its way from Barkakana to Mughalsarai. Security forces were rushed to the area and after a few hours of total disarray, no thanks to the utter lack of a plan (except, you know, "storming in and rescuing everyone heroically") and the frenzy caused by national news channels, the Naxals obviously got bored and released the 700 or so passengers. Well, they got the media coverage they needed, didn't they?

This attack (I guess) comes after a series of public assaults by the Naxalites, preceded by the bomb blast at Utari railway station, just a few minutes before the Rajdhani Express was scheduled to pass. Several bomb blasts and small instances of violence have also been reported in Bihar.


A quick Wikipedia search says that over 6000 civilians and police employs have been killed (ruthlessly, I might add) at the hands of the Naxals. Sometimes, I still don't get what the hell they're trying to convey. Are the against the government, or just certain policies? Are the against general public welfare, or they supporting it, 'cause killing hundreds of thousand of people doesn't really qualify as 'public welfare' in my books. Are they aliens, just waiting to kill of minorities and random citizens one by one, before taking over.. uhh.. India? Or maybe just North-east India, Bengal and Bihar. Or are they fighting against democracy in general?

Oh, who cares? We've given them more than enough attention already *grumbles*
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Israel Owns All. End of Story.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Despite how so many people pretend to support Palestine, even as they are awed by Israel's military and administrative superiority that, I assume, is incomparable, the recent UN anti-racism conference in Geneva (April 20th) makes me wonder if people really are thinking this through or just going with the flow, just as a majority of mankind does.

An international conference on racism fell into disarray as Iran's president launched a verbal onslaught against Israel, triggering a mass walkout and furious rebukes from Western capitals.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who has previously called for the Jewish state to be wiped off the map, criticised the creation of a "totally racist government in occupied Palestine" in 1948, calling it "the most cruel and repressive racist regime.

"The UN Security Council helped stabilise this occupation regime and supported it for the past 60 years, giving them a free hand to continue their crimes," he said.

United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon, who had earlier berated countries for boycotting the meeting, accused the Iranian leader of incitement, while other Western leaders lined up to condemn his remarks.

"I deplore the use of this platform by the Iranian president to accuse, divide and even incite," Ban said in a statement. "This is the opposite of what this conference seeks to achieve."

The United States, which led 10 countries in boycotting the meeting, said the furore vindicated the decision by the countrys first African-American president to shun the UN conference on racism in Geneva.

-Indiatvnews.com

So far, Israel, Canada, the United States, Italy, Australia, New Zealand, the Neatherlands, Germany, Poland, and the Czech Republic have boycotted the session. Ten nations out of some 190-odd countries participating in the summit. The rest of the world still remains stuck to their seats in the conference, even as it has evolved into an ugly scene of hate and pro-racist drama. Goes to show that herd-mentality is a still a force to be reckoned with.
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You Go, Girl!

You go, girl: A phrase commonly used by minority female characters in a B-list Hollywood movie to symbolize feminism in their community while stereotyping minority groups in general.


For those of you who have been living under a rock over the last week or so (I was on holiday, so I don't count), Sanjay Dutt has given a little monologue to UP chief minister Mayawati, which was meant to make people relate to him, you know, as an actor:

Actor turned politician Sanjay Dutt has landed in another controversy.

This time he made an offer of a jadu ki jhappi (magical hug) to Uttar Pradesh chief minister Mayawati.

Sanjay Dutt, “I haven't come here to give a speech, mos1 I've come here to do 'Gandhigiri', I will give Mayawati jaadu ki jhappi, and a big kiss.”

In the film, Munnabhai's gesture would turn enemies into friends, but the belligerent behenji of the BSP is not the sort who turns the other cheek and clearly is no fan of Munnabhai's Gandhigiri either.

Considering how Mayawati has already proved herself to be quite badass (even more so than Phoolan Devi) and could take down Cokehead Dutt in seconds, it was not-so-surprising when she came out with a byte so polite that it hurt, while issuing a police notice in his name:

Mayawati saw this as an opportunity to score political points against her rival camp Samajwadi Party (SP) and decided that this was too sexist a remark for her to ignore in keeping with the jee huzoori in UP.

The Pratapgarh DM has promptly served a notice to Sanjay Dutt asking him to explain himself within 24 hours.

The District Magistrate has also asked the police to investigate if the matter requires a case to be registered against Dutt junior.

She also hit out with this:

"My political opponents have no good work to their credit and are demoralised over the BSPs growing popularity. Hence, they are now gathering people who are good at little except singing, dancing and "farzi" fake Gandhigiri", the BSP supremo told an election meeting in Allahabad.

Without naming Dutt or the Samajwadi Party which has made the actor its General Secretary, she said, "Our political opponents need to remember that naachne-gaane wale those who sing and dance, through their farzi Gandhigiri, may attract huge crowds but will not help them get votes".

Wow, dude. Heard your wife stormed out to the Bahamas or something. I'd join her if I were you, 'cause I'm sensing a lot of pissed-off UP people will be marching towards your home in a few days, and it might not necessarily be for a jaadu ki jhappi.

Ref: Timesnow.tv and Indiatvnews.com
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Sonia: Advani slave to RSS

If looks could kill...

Sonia Gandhi loves involving herself in conversations that never included her in the first place. Which is why when the current PM and the next BJP PM hopeful had a tiff with some embarrassingly childish insults, Ms.Gandhi felt a dire need to respond even as she wasn't asked a question. I think it's a family problem, even Priyanka can't keep her mouth shut.


NDTV:

Stepping up attack on NDA's Prime Ministerial candidate L K Advani for his weak PM remarks against Manmohan Singh, Congress president Sonia Gandhi said on Saturday that the BJP leader himself "cannot take any decision without the approval of Sangh Parivar".

"The leader (Advani) who has targeted our Prime Minister, can he ever take a decision without the approval of Sangh Parivar? He even had to quit his post once. Then you know who is weak," she said.

"Congress does not run on the instruction or order of anybody. It takes its orders from people," she told an election rally in Pangidi.

Gandhi had on April 15 alleged that the BJP leader was a "slave of the RSS", while dismissing his oft-repeated charge of Manmohan Singh being a weak Prime Minister.

She ridiculed BJP's charges of the UPA being "soft on terror", saying her party has never been weak in fighting terrorists.

As a note, the RSS stands for Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh, a non-profit charity organization that every member in the BJP is part of by default. They've done some pretty good work and are obviously a force to be reckoned with.

And it's funny that this byte is to boost the image of Manmohan Singh, who from what everyone knows, obviously consults Sonia for everything. I mean, the guy holds the most powerful position in the country (besides, you know, the Tatas, Ambanis and SRK) and he still lets his deputy walk before him for public meetings and conferences? If he has an inkling of self-respect, he would call her out on it and ask her to, please, madam, follow MY lead, since I am YOUR leader and definitely not the other way round.

It's a shame that we're losing good men to the dictating principles of hierarchy that still forms such a major part of our administration.

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(Insert Lame Salman Khan Joke Here)

Remember the guy who shot at black buck deers, ran over street dwellers, verbally assaulted famous ex-girlfriends and starred in the disaster that was Hello? Yeah, well he's gotten crazier than was earlier predicted.

Salman Khan, or Sallu as Bombay Times affectionately refers to him, has recently been out of his protected studios to campaign for friends who are standing for the elections. On Sunday morning, he arrived at Nashik to support NCP candidate Sameer Bhujpal. A few hours before that he evoked utter chaos at a rally for Satyajit Gaekwad. And on the 9th of April, we flew to Punjab to show his support to fellow actor Vinod Khanna.

Who are members of the NCP, the Congress and the BJP respectively.

I appreciate his efforts, especially when a certain other Khan is partying it up in South Africa with the cheerleaders and general Indian national cricket team rejects. And in his defense, he said that he was campaigning for his friends and not for a party in particular. But in times like this you have to ask, is Salman Khan a loyal friend-in-need or just politically messed up due to accidentally shooting himself in the head with his hunting rifle?
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I'm Blaming Palak for This

I really hate her.

A nine-year-old boy who I won't name on this blog, recently imitated a stunt on one of the Roadies - Hell Down Under episodes. You know, the one where Palak and the other chick have nooses around their necks, waiting for Nauman to rescue them.

The child's uncle said, "He watched the episode on the third floor of our house along with his friends and tried to imitate the stunt after his friends left. After hearing a loud noise, I rushed to the room and found Chandan hanging from the ceiling fan." (Source: NDTV)

Also, Inspector Jaganath Saroj, Vikas Nagar police station, said: "According to his uncle, Bhagat Singh, with whom he used to live in the Vikas Nagar locality, Chandan never missed any episode of the show."

I'm not going to pull a crack at reality television and how it's ruining us, since you already know all that. Instead, I'm going to wish the boy peace and hope this doesn't continue to happen.
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Shh! It's Not Really a Spy Satellite

Even though it totally is. Introducing RISAT-2, the Radar Imaging Satellite weighing 200-kg, carried by PSLV-C12, along with 40-kg micro educational satellite ANUSAT. It lifted off from ISRO's Satish Dhawan Space Centre at about 6:45 am and placed into 550 km orbit around earth.

RISAT, in all seriousness, is one hell of a cyborg-satellite. It can take images of objects on Earth as small as one metre in length, so siting a terrorist or something would be a piece of cake. It will be very helpful in detecting natural disasters (all except earthquakes. That only animals can do) and assist in preparation and mitigation. Also, it is the satellite equivalent of your best friend peeping into your personal drawers and uncovering your deepest, darkest secrets, but involving the infringement of the privacy of foreign countries. Oh, well, if the US can do it, then Yes, We Can too. See that? That was a delicately placed jibe at Obama. I crack myself up!

But keep the news hush, 'cause the ISRO chief, Madhavan Nair, doesn't want anyone to know its true nature. He said to Times of India:

"This is an imaging satellite that can identify features on ground. There is nothing as a spy satellite. Though the satellite has a global coverage we will use it only for our use."

Dude, you just described a spy satellite in the most polite way possible.

I rest my case.
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This is Unacceptable!

Wow, I just sounded all posh and everything.


I was flipping channels on TV, quite obviously bored, and I chanced upon a press conference with BJP's spokesperson, Arun Jaitley. Being a lawyer and a superhero with words, I really like the guy and sat down to watch it when Times Now cut right across to one of their pretty intern correspondents. She was talking about the IPL.

I skipped to NDTV News: IPL.

Headlines Today: IPL.

CNN-IBN: IPL.

CNBC: IPL.

BBC: IPL (??? Don't they have any British news to report?)


So since when did T-20 cricket gain an upper hand over the elections? I'm guessing it was around the time news channels with their sensational, and as Arnab Goswami would put it, 'exclusive', news footage graced our television sets.
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Snapshots

Click to enlarge

This is the Sports section of Times Now, a news site that sucks just as much as its mother television channel. And every news article released over the last few days have all been based on the IPL.

In comparison to the three random articles that ran when the hockey team won the Azlan Shah Cup.

It's an IPL frenzy. And an ironic one, since it isn't even taking place in India. Do you realize that Lalit Modi has flown out more than two thousand Indians, including the team owners, sponsors, players and crew? To thousand Indians lost, two thousand votes lost. Prominent personalities like Tendulkar, SRK and many others might not be voting this year, and since they influence so many people, we'll have probably lost the voters they could have convinced too. The current voting rate is at about 58-62% and even a thousand people can make a reasonable difference.

It's also quite funny (and I mean banging-head-on-table-funny, not haha-funny) how Lalit Modi was depressed that the League was not going to be held in India. You know, considering he's so patriotic and all. But now that he's stolen about two thousand votes from the same India he loves so much, perspectives might change.
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Let's Analyse: Kasab's Wikipedia Page

Yep. That's how famous the guy is. He has his own Wikipedia page.

It starts very nicely, by giving his full name and then talking about how his family is a line of butchers, before going into the fact that he's in Indian custody for coldblooded murder. The then go on to list the 200-odd names he has, which caused a major confusion since Times Now had reported 'Kasab' and NDTV stated it was 'Qasab', while the rest of India weeped over how pathetic our media and communication system is. And I personally enjoyed how they put up a little flag of Pakistan right next to his birth place and nationality, kind of to bring home the fact that, hey, Zardari, how much ever you deny it, he IS from your land.

If you're in the mood for crying black tears, please check this out.
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The Cell Advantage

My cousin called a huge family meeting today (over an STD conference call, but it still counts) and announced, to no one's surprise, that she's totally knocked up :)

Which means... I'm gonna be an aunt! I'm growing up!

Which also means, all my biology lectures from secondary school will finally prove useful, and being the only other girl child in the family, I must pass on certain valuable information to her.

And being a human being in general, I must pass on the following to you :)

Stem cells are considered the pioneering science to a healthier life for millions of children and adults. Stem cells are cells that are in their generative form when the foetus is still in the womb. These cells are found in the umbilical cord connecting which provides nutrients from mother to child and have been found to be in the initial stages at which all human cells are before differentiating into those specific cells required by different organs of the body. In short, if collected at the right time, they can be used to reconstruct many basic organs in case a transplant or treatment for terminal diseases is required.

And if that doesn't spell a secure life for your children, I don't know what does.

The Life Cell International initiative helps parents-to-be to register with them, with a fee of Rs.75000 for storage of umbilical cord blood for up to 21 years. A questionnaire based on the parents' medical and sexual history has to be filled along with their particulars and sent to the mentioned address. Upon commencement of labour, a special kit is sent to the hospital registered for birth and the doctors are advised on the needful prior to the delivery. Once the blood is collected, it is couriered to their Keelakottaiyur lab in Chennai for cryo-storage.

I'm definitely younger than my sister, but I don't feel ashamed to remind her about such measures. And neither should you. Pass on the message. Just because.
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Kasav's Mom is Expected to Drop In...

His mom must be so proud...

This just in: Pranab Mukherjee, the External Affairs Minister, just announced that Ajmal Amir Kasav, also known as the certified lunatic who murdered scores of innocent civilians during the Mumbai seize, is going to be having a special visitor: his mother is coming to town. Won't they look so precious together for the media, one big happy family in the highest security prison in the state? I can almost smell the barf that will be projecting from my stomach when I see this again tomorrow in the papers.

I'm all for family reunions. I really am. But not so much when it's for a delusional, murdering psychopath who effectively split our nation into tiny fragments of immense shame and dejection as we all pranced around to his and his associates' fancy whim to participate in a bloodbath massacre.

Why is Mukherjee allowing family visits for a terrorist, a disgusting piece of an excuse for humanity? His case has been pushed back for so long, and these reports are falling in even as his case has been scheduled to start tomorrow. The news aired first on Times Now, and Shinjoy Chaudry, Senior Editor of Times Now, stated that this can be considered as good news since it confirms that Kasav is from Pakistan.

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Aww, Pumpkin. You're missing one tiny little fact. This is Pakistan we're talking about. If they went out of their way to reject Kasav and all his cronies as Pakistani citizens, then it's just going to take Zardari and Gilani a few seconds to organize a fancy press conference and say that Kasav's 'mother' isn't a Pakistan citizen either. Then you're back to square one, kid.

So while this drama enfolds, I'm going to go see if I can renounce my own Indian citizenship stating 'utter shame' as my excuse.
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Because This is So Necessary Right Now

It seems like Bollywood isn't all that happy about being left out of the spotlight, which has recently been focused on national politics for some very obvious reasons. Now, I understand the industry's desperate need to be the focus of attention all the time, but this is just ridiculous - Mukesh Bhatt just managed to snag a visit with the Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, to discuss the whole producer-multiplex fiasco. Oh, please. Like the PM is free long enough to actually reserve a spot on his busy schedule of campaigning for a -

Oh, wait. He is. More from India-Forums:

Mumbai, April 13 (IANS) In the wake of the Bollywood producers-multiplex tiff over revenue sharing, filmmaker Mukesh Bhatt met Prime Minister Manmohan Singh here Monday to discuss various issues concerning the film industry.

'I met the prime minister today (Monday) and discussed with him various issues that are affecting the industry today,' Bhatt, who is the chairman of the United Forum for Bollywood Producers and Distributors, told IANS.

'I told him that Bollywood is the biggest entertainment industry in the world after Hollywood and it also has a major cultural impact in various parts of the world, especially in South East Asia. So, our industry should be looked at by the government carefully,' Bhatt said.

'I have requested him to form a dedicated and experienced panel to look into the day-to-day working of the industry and tackle the issues in a legitimate manner without any bias, otherwise the industry would surely be extinct some day, ' he said.

As for the prime minister's response Bhatt said: 'He was very welcome to the idea. He said he can't do much as of now due to the elections. He said he would 100 percent help us and support us with such a panel if he comes to power. And I hope that happens soon.'

Though the point of discussion was primarily the revenue sharing between producers and multiplexes, Bhatt says he wanted to convey to the prime minister the need for government intervention in such matters.

You know what? The Congress should strike out 'alleviating poverty', 'promoting education', 'appeasing minorities' and 'fixing the economy' and just go ahead and add 'help the snobbish retards in the film industry' to their manifesto. That'll definitely get them votes.

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Aamir Khan Offers to Clean Your Bathroom

Well, not technically your bathroom, but he's willing to mop up the stinky restroom floors of your favourite single screen theaters.

And that too not by his hand.

Now this post seems to be no fun writing at all...

Anywho, from NDTV Movies:

In demonstration of solidarity for the producers who are united in their battle with the multiplexes, Aamir Khan has now gone a step ahead. He has even offered to clean toilets in single screen theaters and make them hygienic enough for the audience to come in.

This drastic step comes in the light of current situation in the industry where producers may well abandon multiplexes and release their films only in single screens if the stand off with multiplexes persists.

"I was literally shocked when I heard that. For someone like Aamir Khan to make a statement like this is a big enough message for all of us out here", says Vashu Bhagnani with whom Aamir shared this idea of his.

Aamir made this statement in light of Vashu's production Kal Kissne Dekha which has been postponed due to the ongoing tussle with the multiplexes. A launch pad of Jackky Bhagnani and Vaishali Desai, this was the only film that was all set to be released and it's promotion too had kick started before the strike was announced.

Gee, here I was thinking he was doing this for public benefit while it's all actually in the name of friendship. Not that the motive isn't admired. Though I would have appreciated it more if my closest movie theater's bathrooms were clean because Aamir wanted me to have a safe and hygienic nature's call.

It's a good thing I just go to multiplexes then.
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A Rant That Turned Out to be Much More

Recently, the BJP candidate for PM, L.K.Advani, challenged the current PM, Manmohan Singh, to a live debate before the elections for the general public to grasp exactly what each party's propaganda is (without the media misconstruing everything) and to effectively decide who to vote for. This was widely appreciated by most sane, normal people with a sense of respect for themselves and their nation, while the Congress was completely against it. One might say this was because they just wished to prevent social awakening. Or maybe since they don't wish to comply with foreign standards of fair election campaigning. Or maybe, and it's most probably this one, their candidate has always proven to be an inefficient orator and an even worse politician.

Which are considered bad traits in a man who wishes to occupy the top-most government position of power in the entire country.

So today, in retaliation, Singh gave the following quotes. From NDTV.com:

With just about a day left before campaigning ends, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Monday attacked leader of the Opposition LK Advani saying that his strength lies in speech and not action.

Speaking in Mumbai, the Prime Minister said, "I am not a sloganeer. Unlike the NDA's prime ministerial candidate I will not be found weeping in a corner while hoodlums teat down a centuries old mosque, nor would I be found wringing my hands in frustration when one of my chief ministers condones a pogrom targeted at minorities."

Manmohan also said that he will certainly not say things in Pakistan that will offend every Indian and then abandon his stand when it becomes politically inconvenient within his party.

"Mr Advani has the unique ability to combine strength in speech with weakness in action. This is not the strength we need," he said.

The Prime Minister also termed BJP chief Rajnath Singh's statement as total lie that he, as the then Leader of the Opposition in Rajya Sabha, was consulted before release of Kandahar terrorists.

"Advani had agreed to release the terrorists and subjected Cabinet colleague Jaswant Singh to the humiliation of having personally escorted the terrorists during Kandahar episode to their safe haven," he said.

When asked about Rahul Gandhi becoming the Prime Minister, Singh said, "Someday power must be passed over to young people as it is happening all over the world and Rahul Gandhi has all the qualities to be a good Prime Minister."

Where to start?


1) Doesn't strong speech and the ability to sway crowds with just his striking personality make a true leader? Oratory skills are quite useful and damned necessary if you want to make an impression on your voters, so yes, if Advani thinks a debate must be held for both parties to get their points across, I fully support him.

2) The Congress really has no right to talk about communal riots or controversies since they have been embroiled in controversies worse, if not equivalent to, what occurred during the BJP's reign. The Bofors scandal worth Rs. 64 crores in the 1980s that led to the direct downfall of the Congress in the following elections? Or the 1984 Anti-Sikh riots which played an even more significant role in why the BJP came into power? Or the controversy over Sonia Gandhi's offices of profit when she was as MP, which was illegal?

3) The Kandahar incident. This will never cease as ammunition against the BJP. Remember the Mumbai hotel seize recently? How could you not? Imagine yourself as one of the members of the families with a loved one stuck inside the Taj around this time. It's damn hard, isn't it? You'd have probably sold your soul to request the government to negotiate and give in to any of the terrorist demands just so you could have your loved one out alive again. The Congress refused to do that. They sent in forces late, stalled break-ins in the name of investigations even as the time called for serious action by the military forces and, when the mission finally ended three days later, bragged about how they wouldn't give in to terrorism and its demands. It's a brilliant plan, really. Except when you let innocent citizens die in order to prove how tough your administration is.

When the Kandahar hijack occurred and the hijackers demanded the release of major names being some of the world's most horrifying terror plots in return for the passengers' safety, the BJP gave in. While many assume this as a fault of character by the Vajpayee government, I admire it. The BJP gave up its dignity and knew this would directly affect its future political ambitions and yet decided to go along with it. For the sake of hundreds of innocent civilians. If that doesn't show character, I really don't know what does. So when the Congress moonlights as an unmasked vigilante, the BJP does its work secretly, and a hundred times better.


I want a BJP vs. Congress debate LIVE on every news channel in the country, English and otherwise. I want Arnab Goswami and Rajdeep Sardesai to shut up and stop interrupting the people they are interviewing, under the name of time constraints on TV, so that people can, once and for all, form a solid opinion that won't falter even as they hold the ballots in their hand, the hand that casts the precious vote. I want order for once, and not a gimmick on national television where the media can jump to assumptions as they would in petty celebrity tabloids. Advani and Manmohan are not celebrities. They are men on a mission, and they are required to prove themselves to each citizen that is old enough to vote. Campaign rallies are rigged, with each party pulling in fanatical supporters to promote them. If they want to be in power, they need to showcase their competence, oratory and otherwise.

And I swear to all Gods, if this debate happens in the ways prescribed above, I will finally have witnessed a fair election in my time.
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Another Medal to Tendulkar's Close-to-Collapsing Trophy Cabinet

Two sports-related posts in one day? I must be growing up.

Sachin Tendulkar adds another badge to his bulky shoulder as his wax statue will be unveiled in Madame Tussaud's Museum as a tribute to his excellent career.

Except his statue really looks nothing like him.

It's also a pity that Tussaud's took so long to get his wax replica ready when people with considerable less talent and wholesomely sky-rocketing amounts of arrogance (read: Aishwarya Rai) were given this honour a long time ago.\

Eh. Where's the justice?
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Off the Meat Market

Roger Federer married his longtime girlfriend, who he also knocked up, on Saturday in Switzerland (where else?). He announced the news on his website that he (27) and Miroslava “Mirka” Vavrinec (31) are currently prancing about in wedded bliss. Mirka used to be one of the top 100 tennis players in the world before she retired due to injury and became Federer's manager, cheerleader and partner all rolled into one.

Now, I know I'm supposed to be happy for them and their pending parenthood, but why? Why, God?! What have I ever done to you?? WHY???

From People magazine:

Roger Federer is officially off the singles market. The tennis champ announced on his Web site that he married longtime girlfriend and former WTA tennis player Miroslava “Mirka” Vavrinec in Switzerland on Saturday.

“Earlier today, in my hometown of Basel, surrounded by a small group of close friends and family, Mirka and I got married. It was a beautiful spring day and an incredibly joyous occasion,” Federer, wrote on his blog. “Mr. and Mrs. Roger Federer wish all of you a Happy Easter weekend.”

Last month, Federer, winner of 13 Grand Slam singles titles revealed that he and Mirka are expecting their first child this summer. The couple met while at the 2000 Sydney Olympics where they both represented Switzerland.

Excuse me while I go express my anguish into my pillow...
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Just When You Think the Samajwadi Party Couldn't Dig a Bigger Grave...

...they come right out and surprise you all over again.

I figure my own manifesto must have influenced them so much that they decided to rip off my acute wit and intelligence. Then again, their agenda really sucks, while mine reflects our time.

A cycle. On a political party's flag. They're practically
giving me bait.

The SP chief, Mulayam Singh Yadav, revealed his party's manifesto for the general elections yesterday with all this shit:

• Curbing of English medium schools, and in all generality, English itself. This is probably a direct repercussion of the fact the entire party is vastly uneducated. And because they've probably took one cocaine sniff too much.
• Curbing of...and hear this...COMPUTERS. They feel, and I directly quote, that "the use of computers in offices is creating unemployment problems. Our party feels that if work can be done by a person using hands there is no need to deploy machines." So he's just talking PCs, not laptops, right? Because if I get up in the morning and don't have access to coffee or the internet, I'll probably go down to Lucknow and shoot this guy in the head.
• Banning of agricultural goods. 'Cause they feel the employment rate during the harvest season is declining and therefore banishment of tractors, motors and those Transformers like equipments that sow, glean, harvest and thresh crops on their own is the ideal way to go about it. At this rate, only high-profile businessmen can afford basic things like food.
• Oops, too late. Apparently, they're cutting down high corporate salaries. This, in simpler words, mean more taxes. Socialist, much?
• Setting up of unemployment allowance schemes for farmers and rural workers. So Mr. Yadav. There's this thing. It's called the National Rural Employment Guarantee Programme. And it works (somewhat) since it follows the policy of "if you want cash, you need to work for it." Are you going to be banning working for farmers now and just pay them free cash? That'd work well for votes, but at the end of the day, when there's no food left in India, you might end up pondering over how f-ed up this idea is, while you slowly starve to death.
• Stock trading? According to them, it's just plain evil. An entire parallel economy thrives on the stock market alone for brokers, insurance people, speculators, corporates and middle men. So I have a question for Mr. Yadav. Why are people so stupid sometimes? Why?
• Curbing of mall culture. Are you f-ing kidding me??!!

I'm guessing this announcement was ended with a "we'll take you forward into a new era."

There's a name for it, losers. It's called the stone age.
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P.I.M.M for Prime Minister!

Well, every major party has a manifesto by now and I, the little rascal that I am, felt the need to join with one of said major parties (whose name I shall refrain from mentioning, to look diplomatic and all) to promote their propaganda. I’m supposing no one told them how influential I can be, since as how they kicked my pretty behind all the way to the curb. So, in form of protest, I’m contesting alone this year. Yeah, loser, revenge is a bitch. VOTE FOR P.I.M.M!

MY AGENDA

FOR EDUCATION

Let’s face it, there isn’t really much to do here. A majority of rural areas don’t have secondary schools, or even primary and middle schools, for that matter, but who cares? We, as Indians, tend to kick ass in Calculus, Accounting and IT-related junk. The only people better than us are the Chinese. But we’ll exceed their population in a couple of years, so it’s OK.

FOR THE POPULATION SURGE

Speaking of, I have the perfect solution to stop the population bazooka that we’ve nurtured. Granted, it will interfere with the EDUCATION agenda, but compromise is essential. I propose: The birthing of babies must be made illegal. It’s as simple as that. If you so much as try giving birth (and scientific evidence shows that women are known to perform this activity more often than men do) you will be shot in the head and your baby will be sent to Cambodia to work in a Levi’s warehouse. No kidding.

FOR AGRICULTURE

Wikipedia states that our staple diet is rice and wheat. Well, you know what? They’re f-ing wrong! Our staple diet is pani puris and everyone knows that.

And how best to fill those millions of hungry stomachs that India had no care for before Slumdog Millionaire? Well, we wipe away all those tea plantations in Munnar and… grow pani puri trees! Screw the Green Revolution. Pani puris represent the true Indian and his frequent bowel issues.

FOR NUCLEAR POWER

I don’t know squat about atomic energy and how it works, but I fully support the growth of the industry in energy production as well as weapon amassment. You know, to nuke Lalu Prasad Yadav when he so much as opens his mouth.

FOR TAXES

No taxes for anyone! Instead, the government will give away free cash. Sure, that’ll throw the economy out of whack, but who even tries to understand the economy nowadays?

FOR RAKHI SAWANT

Another effective use of the nuclear programme.

FOR THE ECONOMY

This is a toughie. Again, I’m very uneducated about how the economy works, so along with the free cash, I’ll let all civilians hire my friend, who has a Postgraduate degree in M.A. Economics, for a

subsidized rate.

Vote for justice.

Vote for development.

Vote for randomness and incurable insanity.

Vote for P.I.M.M.

Note:

If you can’t stand a joke, that's so not my fault.

I don't really own rights for half of those pictures. Except for the first logo. That's totally mine :)

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Please Be Kidding. Please Be Kidding. PLEASE BE F-ING KIDDING!

Pack your bags, read your holy books and repent for your sins, for the Queen of All Things Emotionally Disturbing finally figured, "Hey! What's the best way to compete for screen time on TV? I know! I'll pick a douchebag husband and marry him live."

This shit will be aired on NDTV Imagine. I figured NDTV would be responsible for it...

"Welcome to Rakhi Sawant's Swayamvar. In what promises to be a first of its kind experience on television, Bollywood's hottest item girl has chosen to search for her real life-partner on NDTV Imagine's new reality show Rakhi Ka Swayamvar. The nationwide search for the perfect husband will culminate in a grand wedding where Rakhi will tie the knot.

So what are you waiting for? Tell us what Rakhi should be looking for in her life partner.

Better still, if you think you are Mr Right for the Mirchi babe then propose to her online. Who knows you might be the one to sweep Rakhi off her feet!

For more keep watching Rakhi Ka Swayamvar on NDTV Imagine."

Too many sarcastic remarks in head......brain cells fizzing......spontaneous implosion......*bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*


P.S. Do her eyes look red in the above image? They're crimson... like the eyes of the devil's spawn. Like Voldemort's. Like Sauron's, except not yellow. Oh, my God... I am such a fantasy-book geek. And also, the Anti-Christ is among us! RUNNNNNN!

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Just Say... Nay?

So I was out with my mom's friend's daughter, who is a journalist, and we attended some seminar on sex education for teens. Within seconds of reaching the tented area, I figured I knew way more than those specialists would ever tell me. It was a dark place, filled with evil ignorance that yelled at me to f-ing run out, but I thought I might get a good laugh out of it.

I didn't.

They flashed the usual "Stay Abstinent" card like they always do in schools, talking about how you should be married and totally devoted to your spouse and in love before you take the Big Step. I think I heard something along the lines of, "condoms can make you sick", but I wasn't listening. Snake II on my mobile phone was more engaging than this shit.

Saying "no" never works. Haven't they figured that out by now? I took biology in school and just the fact that we were mature enough not to giggle during human reproduction lectures says a lot about the level of maturity that we've reached. When we are told so often to be abstinent, we tend to give ourselves mental beatdowns if we so much as think about anything sexual. And how can you not be sexual when everything from the media to clothing is sex-ified? "Holding off till marriage" makes one so completely stubborn that they'll remain pure and when they, God forbid, end up succumbing, they just don't know how to protect themselves. Which directly relates to the rise in STDs and unwanted pregnancies, even as the government makes a commendable effort to curb the same.

And plus, we're teens. If we're told something is wrong, we have to have it.

Advocating safe sex is pretty much the only other way. I see it as two options: push your kid to the brink of temptation without knowing how to be safe OR teach them to accept sexuality for what it is and hope they keep themselves safe.

We can comprehend. If only someone told us what is to be comprehended..


And signing off, with a little clip from Mean Girls:


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I'm Supposed to Believe...

...that this is Salman Khan's ass? I saw him out in Bandra or someplace once and trust me, that butt has been totally Photoshopped.

This is the promo/teaser poster for his new movie Wanted: Dead or Alive. It's a remake, as almost all Hindi movies seem to be nowadays, from the Tamil movie Pokkiri. Well, I really liked the Tamil one, since Asin was in it and the movie appealed to Tamil masses. Don't know if you've noticed, but violence is a major theme in South-Indian movies and it pumps audience adrenaline like no Bipasha-Basu-in-a-bikini can.

It has a good script. I hope he doesn't pull a Yuvraaj out of this one too.
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Go Green, Don't be an Idiot

Recently, we observed Earth Hour wherein we were encouraged to switch off all electrical appliances, including lights, for an entire one hour. You know, since one hour of Amish existence can replenish all of the Earth's resources. But this is no time for sarcasm. Granted, I almost strangled my brother over that one hour considering I couldn't even charge my iPod and all the ice cream in the fridge had melted, I was also intrigued enough to look up NDTV's Greenathon, a non-profit venture for environment awareness.

Commendable attempt. Really. They've made over 2.4 crores to facilitate villages with solar panels. They have their own anthem and everything. And then I saw this: they held a concert for promoting the cause.

Not that a concert isn't an extremely awesome PR strategy. It's just... thousands of megawatts of electricity go into powering those things, not to mention all those celebrities with their over-inflated senses of egos they had to house and the massive television audience they catered to LIVE. There was an argument that the hosts didn't mind this fact, since it reached a large percentage of the population and they made more than enough money to compensate. That does nothing but bring out the impression that those tools at NDTV believe it's OK to waste electricity if you can pay for it. And about it "reaching the masses" : walk along Marine Drive for a couple of minutes and you'll see exactly how effective this whole thing was.

Then again, NDTV might not be the biggest idiot of all, considering eminent personalities have done equally ridiculous things. Chris Martin, lead singer and overall douchebag of Coldplay, said that his band took the initiative to plant 10,000 mango trees right here in India to compensate for all those private jets they use to fly around the world, even though there is scientific evidence that no number of trees can cause carbon dioxide fixation to such a large degree that it compensates for their constant jet-setting.

I don't care about my carbon footprint, I just
want to eat roasted peanuts on my jet.

Even Al Gore, former Vice President of USA, organized the Live Earth concert in 2007 and flew in hundreds of thousands of celebrities, artists and crew, many of them by private jets. That basically released about 31,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide into the air for that one day alone.

If you wanna talk about carbon footprints, it doesn't get any bigger than this.
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What You Missed...

.
...And I feel obligated to cover. In all fairness, I wanted a holiday and so I ditched the blog and sped off to Spain to spend the mid-week drinking, eating, dancing and generally whoring this blog. 'Cause nothing says 'desperate bitch, ole!' like pleading with the Spanish to read a blog that they won't understand and don't really wish to relate to.

I don't know what I'm trying to convey with that. Maybe I should stick with the conventional "I was down with the flu and needed a few days for my blood stream to purify itself from all the life-threatening viruses". Ah, well...


What we missed in the last 48 hours:

1) Jarnail Singh, a journalist, a Sikh and therefore extremely anti-Jagdish Tytler, the guy who has been proved responsible for the Sikh riots in 1984. Yesterday, we found out that he was also an angry young man with balls probably the size of melons, since he threw a shoe (a Reebok, I might add) at P. Chidambaram, our beloved Home Minister at a press conference. Dammit! I always wanted to be the one who did that! He wasn't arrested and P.C. forgave him for his rash actions. Somewhere, the other Reebok shoe is twitching uncontrollably, both to strike P.C. in the face and because it really misses its partner.


2) SRK and Aamir Khan (who apparently still thinks he's playing Sanjay Singhania) reconciled in front of media personnel to fight against a multiplex row where producers of films want to make a 50-50 revenue sharing deal with multiplexes that show their movies. You know what they say: A friend in need is a friend indeed. They also say: When there's going to be an increase in your paycheck, its OK to sell your soul to the devil.

3) The Tata Nano seems to have a slight glitch in the hood (See? I made a funny!) as early reports say that since registration started on April 1st, only 51,000 reservations were made out of the 150,000 expected. Then again, since Ratan Tata is involved, I can safely bet that things will run smoothly within a few weeks. I think that guy has actual magic on his fingertips...

4) SRK just can't stay out of the spotlight for a little while. Quick rundown: SRK's Kolkata Knight Riders team has four captains now. Sunil Gavaskar, who oozes cricket as he moves around thanks to his long and successful career in the field, criticized the actor's decisions because, you know, it's a free country and you're definitely allowed your opinion. But the King of All Opinions didn't really agree with this and, in a summarized form, ask the veteran cricketer to shut the hell up. Wise move, genius.


5) Kareena Kapoor still can't act. Shocker.




6) Narendra Modi gave a kickass interview with Arnab Goswami of Times Now and I totally enjoyed it, considering Modi and Advani have been the only people who have diplomatically (so polite that it hurt) told Arnab to STFU. This is only one out of three parts of the interview, so lift up your flabby forearms and scroll around Youtube to find the rest.
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Through the Eyes of my 11-Year-Old Brother

Well, he's almost twelve. That was irrelevant to the article.

My brother's still in that 'comic books are way awesome' stage. So when he wakes up every morning (which is at the bloody crack of dawn, around the time I retire for bed) and announces that he's Wolverine or Spiderman for the day and proceeds to jump on my bed, and in the process, splits the ligaments in my limbs, I can't help but get a little bit annoyed.

I mean, I'm all for justice prevailing or whatever, but I need my sleep!
So today, in a somewhat frisky mood, I counted down all the reasons why superheroes kinda suck. Like if you were the Hulk - at the rate at which you keep ripping your clothes, you'll probably go bankrupt in a month. And how do you expect to be saving the world when you're out shopping for new shirts all the time?

The puke-green and immense strength would also make
things extremely awkward in bed...

The twit came back with, "I could be Flash."

Aha! Finally those physics lectures could be put to use. "Yeah, sure. But if you ran around like that all the time, the friction between your body and the air molecules would be of such a high magnitude that you'd probably set yourself on fire."

"Really?! That would be cool," grins the little heathen.

I started thinking fast. "Uhh...think about it. If your clothes all burn, you'll be back in the mall like the Hulk."

"Oh," came a tiny, dejected voice that spiraled my sadistic self into a volley of sustained laughs.

And even if you don't catch on fire, there's always
the fact that you might blind yourself to death.

"Maybe Superman?"

"Too bright."

"Cyclops?"

"Too girly."

"Wolverine!"

"Too hot."

"Batman...?"

"Too cool."


This went on for about another three hours. Or maybe it was just a couple of minutes. I dunno, I usually don't grasp time and sanity when I'm woken up against my wishes.

But I somehow managed to crack into his infantile conscience and scare him to the point of no return. See, it turns out, when you completely smack down the childhood idols of little kids and tell them exactly why you'd like them to shove it, it tends to throw off their balance in a way I find slightly unsettling, yet somewhat cynically hilarious.

So when he ran out of the room crying and yelling "Moooooommy!", I exhaled a long sigh, adjusted the air-conditioning to the lowest temperature possible and went back to fuzzy dreams of me being Batgirl to Heath Ledger's Joker.

Some comic-book fantasies you can never quite escape.
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Ranbir Kapoor Worth More Than Kareena

Hmm... Gay or not? Let me ponder over this one...

Closets all around the country must be so proud. Turns out Ranbir's Wake Up Sid and Twit and Twat's (my nicks for Saif and Bebo) new flick Jehaad are both being produced by Dharma Productions but the former has a budget of Rs.60 crores while the other's is about Rs.42 crores. Now I would usually congratulate anyone who one-ups Kareena Kapoor, but all I can say now is, "They have Rs.102 crores running on these three excuses for actors??"

Well, actually, the production sale for Ranbir's movie was about Rs.80+ crores or so earlier, but they had to cut costs due to the recession. It's funny how they blame everything on that. Why movies are flopping, why actors are being underpaid, why movies are being delayed - all thanks to the recession. It's got nothing to do with the shallow pool of immeasurable non-talent that Bollywood shovelled for itself, or the total disregard for a semblance of a plot in movies anymore. It's all got to do with the recession. Uh huh. Yup. That will be all.
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