I'm Supposed to Believe...

...that this is Salman Khan's ass? I saw him out in Bandra or someplace once and trust me, that butt has been totally Photoshopped.

This is the promo/teaser poster for his new movie Wanted: Dead or Alive. It's a remake, as almost all Hindi movies seem to be nowadays, from the Tamil movie Pokkiri. Well, I really liked the Tamil one, since Asin was in it and the movie appealed to Tamil masses. Don't know if you've noticed, but violence is a major theme in South-Indian movies and it pumps audience adrenaline like no Bipasha-Basu-in-a-bikini can.

It has a good script. I hope he doesn't pull a Yuvraaj out of this one too.
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Am I Straight or Gay?

Have you ever woken up one morning and questioned your sexual orientation? No, neither have I. But Rediff seems to think there are loads of people out there who are greatly confused over whether they are straight, gay or just a usual pervert. It's supposed to be a quiz for guys, but hey! Women have equal rights to ponder over whether they want to wake up every morning with a man or a another woman. But let's keep gender discrimination for another day.

Here we go!

1) Which of these sports would you or do you play?

* Cricket
* Ballet
* Tennis
* Boxing

My Answer: I picked ballet. Nothing like a classical dance workout to soothe your muscles, right?

2) Were you popular amongst girls or guys in your student life?

* Girls
* Guys
* Never really thought about it
* More or less equal

My Answer: Frankly I never thought about the whole thing. For the first 10 years of my schooling, I was in an all-girls school. I was also a bit of a bitch, so neither girls (nor guys) really liked me that much. In all fairness, I was a lonely freak. So I picked the third option.

3) Which profession would you prefer?

* Fashion Designing
* Automobile Mechanic
* Nurse
* Electrician

My Answer: Nothing says 'macho manliness' like being an automobile mechanic. Then again, not all mechanics have the body frame of John Abraham. So I picked Nurse. Figured, if I ended up as gay, might as well help someone along the way.

4) Which of these colours do you prefer?

* Pink
* Blue
* Orange
* Purple

My Answer: Very duh answer. Why do they even ask?

5) When you were a child, did you ever play with toys geared toward the opposite sex?

* Yes, all the time
* Mostly
* Sometimes
* No

My Answer: Well, I wanted to expand my toy range, but my mom refused to buy me those simulation bazookas.

6) When out in public, who are you looking at as you walk around?

* Same sex
* Opposite sex
* Same sex (but for their clothes)
* Everyone, I'm an observer

My Answer: Of course, I look at other people of my sex! I'm an Indian, I'm designed to stare at passerbys of my gender.

7) Random question...athletes on teams slapping each others' asses when they get off the field, queer? Or just friendly sportsmanship?

* Duh! It's friendly, none of that gay stuff!
* Just shows how gave football players are
* Eh, some of those guys are questionable
* A little weird, but innocent none-the-less

My Answer: It's not gay! They're just being buddies! What, just so you see guys being friendly with each other, it's gay? If two sexually-frustrated cowboys on a mountain rage show their mutual respect and love to each other, it that-? Oh. Wait.

8) Have you ever had a crush on someone of the same sex?

* Yes, my girlfriend and I rated hot men together
* Are you mad?
* Uh, I don't think so
* No

My Answer: Well, I don't really have a girlfriend. I don't even have a boyfriend right now, but I'm not desperate enough to change my sexuality over the immense rejection. Never-the-less, the first option was the only thing viable. Otherwise I come off as a major homophobic.

9) At a party, slightly drunk, have you ever approached/made a pass at someone of the same sex?

* Once, when I was challenged to do so by my friends
* I can never remember what I when I'm drunk
* Yes
* No

My Answer: What? Don't judge me!

10) Have you ever fantasized about people of the same sex?

* Yes
* At times
* Not really
* No

My Answer: I used to have a crush on Ranbir Kapoor till someone told me he's a girl. Does that count?

11) Would you like it if a person of the same sex was attracted to you?Yes

* Yes
* No

My Answer: I want to be envied, OK?

12) Have you changed the answers to any of the questions to appear straighter?

* Yes
* How did you know that?
* Yes, just once
* Nope

My Answer: Busted!

13) Really?

* Yes
* No
* Maybe
* Uh...

My Answer: I have no idea what they're trying to ask me here...


THE VERDICT: "You are gay! If that's not news to you, great -- if it is, better think of exploring the world outside your closet! Good luck!"

See? If you can manipulate Rediff's quizzes, there's nothing you can't do! Now I'm off to take over the world by spreading the terminal disease called homophobia. It really works!
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Give it a Rest!

Since everyone who is on the verge of insanity has been publicly condemning this shit, I figured I should probably censor the image to prevent future lawsuits or something. So around the naughty bits, there is a strategically placed picture of a very disapproving R.R. Patil.

Akshay Kumar took a serious transition from the khiladi to a cheap stripper (who wears Levi's...?) at the Lakme Fashion Week in Mumbai recently. Needless to say, everyone from Anil Nair (who is this guy?) and the Dalai Lama (no, I'm just messing with you) are speaking out against this incident. Look, the guy's marriage is probably on the rocks or something, and there's nothing like a good PR stunt with your wife to get back into the tabloid's good graces. And the tagline for the clothing line he's endorsing is 'Live Unbuttoned', so if he doesn't do any obvious unbuttoning and/or shedding of clothes, there really is no point of Levi's hiring him in the first place, is there?

Besides, he looks reasonably hot for a dude in his 40s.
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What's in a Word?

After a four-year hiatus, I checked out some popular Harry Potter fansites today 'cause, you know, I'm THAT bored, and re-enlightened myself over when the next movie was releasing.

Granted, I've waited years for a Harry-Ginny make out session, but once you realize that Harry is somewhat mentally challenged and might turn out to be an awful boyfriend, what with his distressing emotional history, frequent violent tendencies and claims that a conveniently-shaped scar on his head causes him to be the freak that he is, you stop being envious and just feel plain bad for Ms. Weasley.

Actually, there is no base to this image. Except that
you don't really need a reason to post a picture
of Daniel Radcliffe, right?

Which brings me to what I really wanted to talk about --- There was this period in middle school when fantasy movies and books were all the rage. I'm talking bespectacled boy-wizards, Deathstars, closets opening into another world, accursed pirates, tiny ring-bearers with hairy feet... And they were all runaway hits. So obviously, that made us resort to lingo used in these films in everyday life as a last-ditch attempt to look somewhat cool.

Well, now I regret it. Not just because it was utterly lame, but also owing to the fact that Britney Spears really appealed to my demographic back then so there were frequent requests from people asking you to hit them, baby, one more time.


I recall this conversation some prefects in my school (who were older than me and certified geeks... And also very, very jobless) outside the senior library, which was off-limits for a few hours as the librarian was away.


Prefect 1 : So what? We just wait here till the librarian gets back?

P2 : Whatever. I'm going in.

P3 : (eyes darkening and hair blowing around wildly) One does not simply walk into Mordor!

P2 : Say, what?

P4 : Yeah, she's right. The Great Eye is ever-watchful.

P2: (Eyes P3 whose hair is still blowing about) Hermione here might need some conditioner.

P1 : Nothing a little 'swish and flick' can't solve. (giggles madly)

P3 : (Patting down hair) Oh, you laugh now, little one. When that White Witch turns up before you get out, what will you do then?

P5 : (Silent all this while) I'd love me some Aragorn... (Deep sigh of painful longing)

P4 : Oh, please, bitch. Aragorn is mine. You can have Jack.

P5 : (Lights up) Sparrow?!

P4 : Well, actually... I've registered Sparrow too. You know, in case.

P5 : (dejected) Oh. I'll just take Prince Caspian then...

P2 : C'mon! Let's go in. We ain't the Marauders for nothing!

P1 : Yeah, let's go. The Trio shall always stand united!

P4 : There's five of us...

P1 : (makes offensive gesture involving a finger or two) F-

P3 : I'm not going in there.

P1 : Then stay here and pull a Boromir. We're going. (Pushes open the door)

P4 : (grumpily) Good luck, earthlings! May the Force be with you.

Librarian : (reaching the spot, says to P4) You're in detention, just for ruining the Yoda impression.


OK so that wasn't what really happened, but it was a long time ago and it's late and I'm tired and really need some shut-eye.

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A Little Jerry Maguire Hurt No One...

...Except me.

There was this nauseatingly sweet couple down by a Baskin Robbins outlet in the city sharing an ice cream and doing PDA-infused, couple-y stuff. I'm totally for a good dose of romance, but making it so public takes the fun out of it. Not to mention, you become Sena-bait, which isn't as cool as it sounds.

And if you're asking why I was watching this, it was owing to the fact that traffic is murder in Mumbai and when you're stuck somewhere, you're kinda stuck there till something drastic happens. Like until an asteroid drops in front of you and removes any and all vehicles/rogue cattle/sugarcane juice machine thingies from your path. And even then the huge chunk of rock that is the asteroid would be in the way, so commuters don't get to win anyway.

Anyhopelesstraffic, the dude of the couple starts doing these retarded gestures which, after intense observation by me and my cousin, were interpreted as what Tom Cruise does for Rene Zellweger in Jerry Maguire (You complete me). I guess it's justified if Tom Cruise (circa 1996) does it, considering he's effing Tom Cruise and was reasonably good-looking around that time. It's also OK for Rene Zellweger to be on the receiving end of it since that was the one movie she at least pretended to act in.

I'll probably get slack saying I should allow what little romance we have left in the city to thrive. Then again, my ass won't be the one forced by the moral brigade to marry the person I was sharing a double-chocolate ice cream with.



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It's Karma, Baby

I was out all morning so when I came home and found out that Lalit Modi's entire plan is going kaput, I was literally giddy with excitement.

Read the other crap here if you're interested: Rediff

Like I was saying, this is plain and simple karma. Not that I don't enjoy cricket. It's just what the IPL is doing to most Indians.

For example: A friend of a mutual friend of my cousin who is a political activist with a youth group recently sent around some scraps on Orkut talking about how disinterested teenagers and young adults are in voting. There was one particular example she took from a Facebook status update that really pissed me off.

Here's the specimen:



The fact that people would actually support Lalit Modi instead of the one thing that just helps India qualify as a democratic republic and prevents her from being nuked by some crazed country wanting to instill democratic freedom everywhere - the elections - proves that as citizens, we still have a long way to go. The mere idea that someone would fight for provision of Z-grade security to international players and IPL sponsors, and not for people who actually take out the time and effort to vote for their leaders (and to protect the privacy of said vote) kind of disgusts me. It's one thing if the IPL is a government franchise. But the whole thing is a mega-private scam, threatening not just cricket as we know it, but stressing on regionalism when there are no actual boundaries on these regions in the teams to begin with. I can see it right in schools, at homes, out on the streets; people are torn between supporting what they assume is their own state's team and the state they live in. Some would say that by legalizing use of arms by trained and certified bodyguards for protection, the government can prevent hassles like this. But do you really think that Lalit Modi, King of Cash Scams and President of the Association of Pathological Liars is really going to spend money out of his pockets (money that we and the sponsors gave him in the first place) to secure safety procedures for the common masses who come to view some hedonistic display of supposed athletic prowess? I really don't think so.

The IPL is a hoax. And a hoax, I have to say with no shame, I thoroughly enjoy. But if I had to pick between a Chennai Super Kings vs. Rajasthan Royals match and the possibility of electing a party whose cabinet candidates truly promise tax waivers in fuel-petrol, I'd have to say: Screw the IPL. There'll be plenty of T-20 matches to watch in the immediate future, but petrol without the 150% sales tax + VAT isn't exactly an easy and near possibility.



UPDATE:

Narendra Modi, Chief Minister of Gujarat, has answered my prayers. No, he didn't gift me a private jet, he did the other thing. Modi totally just called out on the inefficiency of the current governments of the states that wouldn't give security for the IPL, saying that he wouldn't shame the nation in the same way and would provide security if he was asked to.

Moreover, he threw the final bomb by stating the well-thought argument that if the governments are so unprepared to send out security teams for a measly set of 3 hour cricket matches, what the hell is it going to do during the Commonwealth Games?

Basically, Modi worked with the standard Indian cultural influences - cricket, pride and a bit of a controversy. If that doesn't make people vote for him, I don't know what will.
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