I Love Him, But I Adore Blacklighting Him Even More

SRK might be forcefully removed from stadium grounds if he's caught smoking at the IPL matches again, and there's no way he can hide that since the cameras pan on him more often than on his own team. Here's more from NDTV.com:

The National Organisation for Tobacco Eradication (NOTE), has protested against filmstar Shahrukh Khan who was shown on the TV screen smoking during an IPL match on April 21 in South Africa.

NOTE has asked the South African National Council Against Smoking (NCAS) to consider the issue seriously and stop smoking in the stadium during Indian Premier League matches.

"I chatted with them and sent details and motivation to the supersport. They are the broadcasters. I am soliciting an agreement that they will not show anyone smoking," Peter Ucko from NCAS has informed NOTE.

NOTE General Secretary Shekhar Salkar said that they had contacted NCAS to explore possible advocacy that can be coordinated in South Africa after King Khan was shown puffing on a television screen.

The NCAS in their reply has said that the Act which will ban smoking in sport stadium is not yet in force.

He said that smoking is not permitted in an enclosed area and if Khan does it again I am asking management to tell him that if he fails to comply they will remove him from the grounds, he said.

Poor guy. I say the guy should custom-design a plastic bubble for himself to he can smoke in peace. The addictive haze of poisonous tobacco smoke is pretty much the only thing holding him back from screaming like a girl every time the KKR loses.
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I Can't Believe I Forgot!

The Unofficial Personification of Sex Appeal, Mr. Dev Patel, turned 19 yesterday and I missed out on that because I was too busy eating cake at my own brother's birthday party. He turned 12, by the way. It's a year late, but we're expecting his Hogwarts acceptance letter pretty soon.

Anyhotness, I still can't get over how Frieda Pinto is sticking onto my Dev. I get it, she's going international now. She has a makeup label that's dumping Gwyneth Paltrow for her and she's snagged a movie with Woody Allen, but seriously, woman, HANDS OFF!

By the way, these two were spotted canoodling in Tel Aviv where Pinto is shooting for her next movie. Sometimes I think there's just no justice in the world...
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You Go, Girl!

You go, girl: A phrase commonly used by minority female characters in a B-list Hollywood movie to symbolize feminism in their community while stereotyping minority groups in general.


For those of you who have been living under a rock over the last week or so (I was on holiday, so I don't count), Sanjay Dutt has given a little monologue to UP chief minister Mayawati, which was meant to make people relate to him, you know, as an actor:

Actor turned politician Sanjay Dutt has landed in another controversy.

This time he made an offer of a jadu ki jhappi (magical hug) to Uttar Pradesh chief minister Mayawati.

Sanjay Dutt, “I haven't come here to give a speech, mos1 I've come here to do 'Gandhigiri', I will give Mayawati jaadu ki jhappi, and a big kiss.”

In the film, Munnabhai's gesture would turn enemies into friends, but the belligerent behenji of the BSP is not the sort who turns the other cheek and clearly is no fan of Munnabhai's Gandhigiri either.

Considering how Mayawati has already proved herself to be quite badass (even more so than Phoolan Devi) and could take down Cokehead Dutt in seconds, it was not-so-surprising when she came out with a byte so polite that it hurt, while issuing a police notice in his name:

Mayawati saw this as an opportunity to score political points against her rival camp Samajwadi Party (SP) and decided that this was too sexist a remark for her to ignore in keeping with the jee huzoori in UP.

The Pratapgarh DM has promptly served a notice to Sanjay Dutt asking him to explain himself within 24 hours.

The District Magistrate has also asked the police to investigate if the matter requires a case to be registered against Dutt junior.

She also hit out with this:

"My political opponents have no good work to their credit and are demoralised over the BSPs growing popularity. Hence, they are now gathering people who are good at little except singing, dancing and "farzi" fake Gandhigiri", the BSP supremo told an election meeting in Allahabad.

Without naming Dutt or the Samajwadi Party which has made the actor its General Secretary, she said, "Our political opponents need to remember that naachne-gaane wale those who sing and dance, through their farzi Gandhigiri, may attract huge crowds but will not help them get votes".

Wow, dude. Heard your wife stormed out to the Bahamas or something. I'd join her if I were you, 'cause I'm sensing a lot of pissed-off UP people will be marching towards your home in a few days, and it might not necessarily be for a jaadu ki jhappi.

Ref: Timesnow.tv and Indiatvnews.com
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(Insert Lame Salman Khan Joke Here)

Remember the guy who shot at black buck deers, ran over street dwellers, verbally assaulted famous ex-girlfriends and starred in the disaster that was Hello? Yeah, well he's gotten crazier than was earlier predicted.

Salman Khan, or Sallu as Bombay Times affectionately refers to him, has recently been out of his protected studios to campaign for friends who are standing for the elections. On Sunday morning, he arrived at Nashik to support NCP candidate Sameer Bhujpal. A few hours before that he evoked utter chaos at a rally for Satyajit Gaekwad. And on the 9th of April, we flew to Punjab to show his support to fellow actor Vinod Khanna.

Who are members of the NCP, the Congress and the BJP respectively.

I appreciate his efforts, especially when a certain other Khan is partying it up in South Africa with the cheerleaders and general Indian national cricket team rejects. And in his defense, he said that he was campaigning for his friends and not for a party in particular. But in times like this you have to ask, is Salman Khan a loyal friend-in-need or just politically messed up due to accidentally shooting himself in the head with his hunting rifle?
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Because This is So Necessary Right Now

It seems like Bollywood isn't all that happy about being left out of the spotlight, which has recently been focused on national politics for some very obvious reasons. Now, I understand the industry's desperate need to be the focus of attention all the time, but this is just ridiculous - Mukesh Bhatt just managed to snag a visit with the Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, to discuss the whole producer-multiplex fiasco. Oh, please. Like the PM is free long enough to actually reserve a spot on his busy schedule of campaigning for a -

Oh, wait. He is. More from India-Forums:

Mumbai, April 13 (IANS) In the wake of the Bollywood producers-multiplex tiff over revenue sharing, filmmaker Mukesh Bhatt met Prime Minister Manmohan Singh here Monday to discuss various issues concerning the film industry.

'I met the prime minister today (Monday) and discussed with him various issues that are affecting the industry today,' Bhatt, who is the chairman of the United Forum for Bollywood Producers and Distributors, told IANS.

'I told him that Bollywood is the biggest entertainment industry in the world after Hollywood and it also has a major cultural impact in various parts of the world, especially in South East Asia. So, our industry should be looked at by the government carefully,' Bhatt said.

'I have requested him to form a dedicated and experienced panel to look into the day-to-day working of the industry and tackle the issues in a legitimate manner without any bias, otherwise the industry would surely be extinct some day, ' he said.

As for the prime minister's response Bhatt said: 'He was very welcome to the idea. He said he can't do much as of now due to the elections. He said he would 100 percent help us and support us with such a panel if he comes to power. And I hope that happens soon.'

Though the point of discussion was primarily the revenue sharing between producers and multiplexes, Bhatt says he wanted to convey to the prime minister the need for government intervention in such matters.

You know what? The Congress should strike out 'alleviating poverty', 'promoting education', 'appeasing minorities' and 'fixing the economy' and just go ahead and add 'help the snobbish retards in the film industry' to their manifesto. That'll definitely get them votes.

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Aamir Khan Offers to Clean Your Bathroom

Well, not technically your bathroom, but he's willing to mop up the stinky restroom floors of your favourite single screen theaters.

And that too not by his hand.

Now this post seems to be no fun writing at all...

Anywho, from NDTV Movies:

In demonstration of solidarity for the producers who are united in their battle with the multiplexes, Aamir Khan has now gone a step ahead. He has even offered to clean toilets in single screen theaters and make them hygienic enough for the audience to come in.

This drastic step comes in the light of current situation in the industry where producers may well abandon multiplexes and release their films only in single screens if the stand off with multiplexes persists.

"I was literally shocked when I heard that. For someone like Aamir Khan to make a statement like this is a big enough message for all of us out here", says Vashu Bhagnani with whom Aamir shared this idea of his.

Aamir made this statement in light of Vashu's production Kal Kissne Dekha which has been postponed due to the ongoing tussle with the multiplexes. A launch pad of Jackky Bhagnani and Vaishali Desai, this was the only film that was all set to be released and it's promotion too had kick started before the strike was announced.

Gee, here I was thinking he was doing this for public benefit while it's all actually in the name of friendship. Not that the motive isn't admired. Though I would have appreciated it more if my closest movie theater's bathrooms were clean because Aamir wanted me to have a safe and hygienic nature's call.

It's a good thing I just go to multiplexes then.
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I'm Supposed to Believe...

...that this is Salman Khan's ass? I saw him out in Bandra or someplace once and trust me, that butt has been totally Photoshopped.

This is the promo/teaser poster for his new movie Wanted: Dead or Alive. It's a remake, as almost all Hindi movies seem to be nowadays, from the Tamil movie Pokkiri. Well, I really liked the Tamil one, since Asin was in it and the movie appealed to Tamil masses. Don't know if you've noticed, but violence is a major theme in South-Indian movies and it pumps audience adrenaline like no Bipasha-Basu-in-a-bikini can.

It has a good script. I hope he doesn't pull a Yuvraaj out of this one too.
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Ranbir Kapoor Worth More Than Kareena

Hmm... Gay or not? Let me ponder over this one...

Closets all around the country must be so proud. Turns out Ranbir's Wake Up Sid and Twit and Twat's (my nicks for Saif and Bebo) new flick Jehaad are both being produced by Dharma Productions but the former has a budget of Rs.60 crores while the other's is about Rs.42 crores. Now I would usually congratulate anyone who one-ups Kareena Kapoor, but all I can say now is, "They have Rs.102 crores running on these three excuses for actors??"

Well, actually, the production sale for Ranbir's movie was about Rs.80+ crores or so earlier, but they had to cut costs due to the recession. It's funny how they blame everything on that. Why movies are flopping, why actors are being underpaid, why movies are being delayed - all thanks to the recession. It's got nothing to do with the shallow pool of immeasurable non-talent that Bollywood shovelled for itself, or the total disregard for a semblance of a plot in movies anymore. It's all got to do with the recession. Uh huh. Yup. That will be all.
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A Sequel to Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na

Our emotions exactly, Imran.

In the WTF? news for the day, Abbas Tyrewala, the director of JTYJA, announced that there may/may not be a sequel to the movie.

And I haven't even gotten to the best part...

Seems like little Jai and Aditi are all grown up in this one, and have *cough* marital issues *cough*. I get it, Jai. Your secret's safe with me. Wink.

So turns out, the lonely and depressed Jai ends up drinking and having a one night stand, which is pretty much the stupidest thing he could do. I mean, have you seen the girl? She literally scratched off that guy's cheek in the first movie. What's to say she won't aim a kick at Jai's nether regions, now? Just a thought.


As ridiculous as the plot line is, Bollywood is known to milk everything out of a successful flick. So if Meow and Rats are up in a courtroom, pleading for divorce on the grounds of infidelity, by October, I wouldn't be all that surprised.
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Give it a Rest!

Since everyone who is on the verge of insanity has been publicly condemning this shit, I figured I should probably censor the image to prevent future lawsuits or something. So around the naughty bits, there is a strategically placed picture of a very disapproving R.R. Patil.

Akshay Kumar took a serious transition from the khiladi to a cheap stripper (who wears Levi's...?) at the Lakme Fashion Week in Mumbai recently. Needless to say, everyone from Anil Nair (who is this guy?) and the Dalai Lama (no, I'm just messing with you) are speaking out against this incident. Look, the guy's marriage is probably on the rocks or something, and there's nothing like a good PR stunt with your wife to get back into the tabloid's good graces. And the tagline for the clothing line he's endorsing is 'Live Unbuttoned', so if he doesn't do any obvious unbuttoning and/or shedding of clothes, there really is no point of Levi's hiring him in the first place, is there?

Besides, he looks reasonably hot for a dude in his 40s.
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Kareena Kapoor's Dress Cost Rs. 8 lakhs. I'm Not Even Trying to Joke Here

OK, that's not the dress. But you can bet it'll be something like this. Or it'll probably be strapless, backless and only reaching her mid-thighs, at which point we should all be yelling, "8 lakhs for a dress that's made from a half-metre piece of cloth?!"

The dress was apparently made for her spot-on portrayal of a supermodel in her new movie, Kambakht Ishq. See, honey, supermodels are a thing of the past. When your arch rival played a similar character in another movie and garnered critical acclaim for it, it looks pretty darn pathetic when you copy her full on. Especially since this is also an Akshay Kumar movie, and you can bet your life that you won't be on screen for more than 12 minutes. For clarifications, refer to Katrina Kaif.

Oh, and one more thing that might just put you over the edge: She got to keep the dress.
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It Happened. It Actually Happened.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me...

So on the 31st of March, 2009, the first sign of the apocalypse that will soon hit this world (or at least, India) and render all of us dead and lined up for the final Justice call, was observed.

Still can't guess it?

Yeah, they got their Padmashrees...

Besides Rai-Bachchan and Kumar, Helen managed to grab one of those medals for her "contribution to art and cinema". Because it takes immense talent to strip-dance on a bar table.

But it's OK. When it is announced at the next Republic Day celebrations that Rakhi Sawant will be honoured with one for her incomparable contribution to drama and skin-show, this news will wane to give rise to immense anger amongst the Indian population that they didn't vote her off Nach Baliye when they should have, or all this would have never happened.


Oh, and by the way, I've lost all faith in humanity.

Good day!
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Hallelujah!

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It's raining... justice!

Or something in that regard.

So news reaches me that the Supreme Court totally torched Sanjay Dutt's butt and said he can't contest in the General Elections this year (or ever, considering how long these cases take to be processed) since he got caught playing with license-less AK-47s instead of a stethoscope and Gandhi's monkeys like Munnabhai was supposed to. Dutt was a candidate of the Samajwadi Party for the Lucknow seat in the Lok Sabha.

In a twist of Batman-like vigilante justice being handed out, the SC said that Dutt was disqualified from contesting the elections under Section 8 (3) of the Representation of People Act. The Act states that anyone with an order to spend a significant period of time in prison is rendered incapable of contesting in the elections.

It was great news, till the court labeled his father, Sunil Dutt, as an honourable politician (which I have no say in, since I never looked up his work) and squished my ego by announcing that they had to stop him from contesting because of the case against him but that he was not a 'habitual criminal' and an all-round good guy. Really, SC? Are you sure? Because if you ask me, dude seems like he's high A LOT. Not that I'm the Keeper of the Constitution or anything, but I really do feel that possession of low-grade weed in your spacious backyard is kinda a criminal offense. You might wanna look into it.

Regardless, this calls for a celebration. I'm gonna pop open a Coke and watch Lage Raho Munnabhai while continuously laughing at Dutt's face. Then I'll probably cry myself to sleep, considering Dutt is a total jerk, but still has more money than me.

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What's in a Word?

After a four-year hiatus, I checked out some popular Harry Potter fansites today 'cause, you know, I'm THAT bored, and re-enlightened myself over when the next movie was releasing.

Granted, I've waited years for a Harry-Ginny make out session, but once you realize that Harry is somewhat mentally challenged and might turn out to be an awful boyfriend, what with his distressing emotional history, frequent violent tendencies and claims that a conveniently-shaped scar on his head causes him to be the freak that he is, you stop being envious and just feel plain bad for Ms. Weasley.

Actually, there is no base to this image. Except that
you don't really need a reason to post a picture
of Daniel Radcliffe, right?

Which brings me to what I really wanted to talk about --- There was this period in middle school when fantasy movies and books were all the rage. I'm talking bespectacled boy-wizards, Deathstars, closets opening into another world, accursed pirates, tiny ring-bearers with hairy feet... And they were all runaway hits. So obviously, that made us resort to lingo used in these films in everyday life as a last-ditch attempt to look somewhat cool.

Well, now I regret it. Not just because it was utterly lame, but also owing to the fact that Britney Spears really appealed to my demographic back then so there were frequent requests from people asking you to hit them, baby, one more time.


I recall this conversation some prefects in my school (who were older than me and certified geeks... And also very, very jobless) outside the senior library, which was off-limits for a few hours as the librarian was away.


Prefect 1 : So what? We just wait here till the librarian gets back?

P2 : Whatever. I'm going in.

P3 : (eyes darkening and hair blowing around wildly) One does not simply walk into Mordor!

P2 : Say, what?

P4 : Yeah, she's right. The Great Eye is ever-watchful.

P2: (Eyes P3 whose hair is still blowing about) Hermione here might need some conditioner.

P1 : Nothing a little 'swish and flick' can't solve. (giggles madly)

P3 : (Patting down hair) Oh, you laugh now, little one. When that White Witch turns up before you get out, what will you do then?

P5 : (Silent all this while) I'd love me some Aragorn... (Deep sigh of painful longing)

P4 : Oh, please, bitch. Aragorn is mine. You can have Jack.

P5 : (Lights up) Sparrow?!

P4 : Well, actually... I've registered Sparrow too. You know, in case.

P5 : (dejected) Oh. I'll just take Prince Caspian then...

P2 : C'mon! Let's go in. We ain't the Marauders for nothing!

P1 : Yeah, let's go. The Trio shall always stand united!

P4 : There's five of us...

P1 : (makes offensive gesture involving a finger or two) F-

P3 : I'm not going in there.

P1 : Then stay here and pull a Boromir. We're going. (Pushes open the door)

P4 : (grumpily) Good luck, earthlings! May the Force be with you.

Librarian : (reaching the spot, says to P4) You're in detention, just for ruining the Yoda impression.


OK so that wasn't what really happened, but it was a long time ago and it's late and I'm tired and really need some shut-eye.

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The Grossest Deaths in Hindi Cinema

Virtually all Hindi movies have one thing in common - a suitably happy ending for the protagonists and a lifetime in hell/jail for the villians. But some writers decide to take the story a little further by introducing a lovable character and then killing him/her ruthlessly to make it look like some effort had actually been put into the script. Or they just make sure the villain is killed in the most disgusting way possibly so as to not lose audience interest.


So here are my Top Ten Grossest Deaths in Hindi Cinema:


#10 - SRK and Manisha Koirala in Dil Se

In 3... 2... 1... BOOM!

Who didn't know that she was a terrorist? Well, SRK didn't and that just led him to an untimely death by blowing up in the middle of a field. Actually, it can be considered a warning for all those eve-teasers out there. If you stalk a girl in utter desperation, chances are she might be a suicide bomber with the LeT and bomb your ass till your intestines blow into a million pieces. Just a thought.


#9 - Shantipriya in Om Shanti Om

Some speculate that the Green Goblin might have killed her.

Well, actually it wasn't all that disgusting. I was kinda relieved at first 'cause that way I wouldn't have to sit through her 'ek chutki sindoor' monologue again. But what do ya know? Bitch comes back in a miniskirt and blowing bubble gum.


#8 - Amitabh Bachchan in Sholay

I don't even wanna comment on this...

I've actually never seen the whole movie in one go, just bits and pieces of it till I finally managed to edit the movie in my own head and figure out what the hell was happening. Still, Jai was a better actor thatn Veeru and definitely should not have died.


#7 - Random secondary character in Kaal

"Look at me! Do I look like a deranged maneater to you?"

That movie was ridiculous, and even the gory deaths couldn't make it any better. But there was this one cool scene where this minor character (who was just present for comic relief) finds himself beheaded by a glass window that broke apart when a car blew up. So that finally made him stop screaming and I could stare at John Abraham in relative peacefulness. And you know what was the grave mistake the producers committed (besides actually casting Esha Deol)? Renaming Corbett Park as Orbit Park. Seriously, he named it after a brand of chewing gum. No wonder the tigers were pissed.

#6 - Salman Khan and SRK in Karan Arjun

It's just a funny image, OK?

Why do I even see these movies? Oh, it might be because that's the only movie SET MAX seems to have any rights to air. That and Anaconda - Hindi Mein. But let's not even go there.


#5 - That jolly bhabhi in Hum Aapke Hain Kaun

Salman Khan sexually harrassing women while rocking
the 'computer nerd in suspenders' look.

All was going well and happy in the magical land of Suraj Barjatiya where the unicorns gallop and the rainbows are bright. And then one fine day, when some 96% of the movie was over and the audience was soaking too much fluff-sugar into their bloodstreams, the bhabhi woman slips on some loose carpeting and tumbles down a longass flight of stairs to her early death. Anything more horrifying in a family movie?


#4 - Asin in Ghajini

Illustrating the fact that we see more of 'Kalpana was killed'
than we see the real Kalpana.

Stabbed and then knocked on the head with a metal rod. Anyone say 'ouch'?


#3 - SRK in Darr

The look of revulsion on Juhi's face convinced SRK
that he needed to double his deodorant use.

Sunny Deol (back when we could still understand what he was saying) beat the crap out of SRK and he finally died, all the while over-pronouncing his 'K's.


#2 - Amitabh Bachchan in Black

Why are all of Sanjay Leela Bansaali's movies
so effing BLUE?!

Alzeimer's is just painful, man. I don't want to talk about that.


#1 - The Untimely Death of Cinematic Dignity in all of Karan Johar's films

It started with this.

Dude makes six movies on families, families, families with adultery, families with heart disease, tiger families and homosexual families, all well-supplied with tear-jerking (eh...) scenes.

Seriously. I grieve.


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Current Mood :: Really Missing Heath Ledger

Who's seen The Dark Knight?

Actually, it'd be better to say: Who hasn't seen it? 'Cause if you haven't, you're pretty much a grade-A loser.

And that's not me talking, it's Warner Bros.' Swiss bank account.

I swear on God, if I ever hear another 'why so serious' joke,

I'll wring someone's neck...

So I was watching it for the 700th time yesterday and I figured, the Joker's cool and all, and Ledger successfully played a role that would be soon lead to all those 'Who's going to lose to Heath Ledger' bets on Oscar night. But I just can't help think...

...Why are his evil plans so goddamn complicated??

Let's review what he did to 'thwart' Batman in the movie, shall we?


STEP 1 - Set up a bunch of Joker lookalikes (OK, with masks) to steal a bank.

STEP 2 - Kill said lookalikes, but not before crashing into a really solid bank building's wall using just a school bus.

STEP 3 - Join forces with the local mafia gang, even when the audience knows you prefer to work alone.

STEP 4 - Kill innocent people till Batman reveals himself.

STEP 5 - Somehow expect that Harvey Dent, that pompous brat, will reveal himself at Batman instead.

STEP 6 - Proceed to pretend attacking the envoy carrying Dent, expecting to be caught.

STEP 7 - Wait in patience while Batman interrogates you to ultimately reveal that Dent and Batman's one true love (who is also Dent's girlfriend and totally insignificant to the plot after this) are strapped in warehouses filled with dynamites which will blow them into smithereens and he can only save one of them (Note to self: Retire the word 'smithereens'. You're embarrassing yourself).

STEP 8 - Know that Batman will pick the girl and switch their positions beforehand so Batman reaches to save Dent instead and Rachel dies.

STEP 9 - Obviously know the exact placement of the denotators so that Dent doesn't die, but his face is mangled exactly in half.

STEP 10 - Escape. Duh.

STEP 11 - Free Dent from hospital and convince him to wreck havoc against Batman (who saved him) and not you (who actually killed his girlfriend and ripped apart his face). Plan a future career in politics.

STEP 12 - In a span of six minutes, convince Gotham that there's a bomb threat on EVERY bridge and tunnel. Then proceed to capture an enormous population of the public and convicts and pile them in two different bomb-strapped ferries to make sure they finish off each other.

STEP 13 - Pretend like you knew all along that Dent would be corrupted easily and was just a ploy to throw off Batman.

STEP 14 - Dress up your hostages and your henchmen and confuse Batman on whether to attack the henchmen, the hostages as the henchmen or the SWAT team.

STEP 15 - Finally get caught, but expect Batman to let you go 'cause you know he's that big a douchebag.

STEP 16 - Come back in the next movie to haunt Gotham - Oh. Wait...


Well, at least most of it was right.

In contrast, here's what the villians do in the Spiderman movies:

STEP 1 - Capture Mary Jane Watson and hang her from a tall building/bridge (she should be conveniently wearing a short dress at these times).

STEP 2 - Get your ass kicked by a superhero who shoots cobwebs from his wrists.


And you wonder why The Dark Knight has already pocketed a cool $1bn...
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Mainstream Cinema is Giving Me Unrealistic Hopes

My Acer laptop bailed on me a week ago due to unknown reasons.

OK, fine. I accidentally poured water on it. Operative word: accidentally.

And my Dad was completely against paying to fix the damn thing, which I was OK with since the laptop is really old. I'm talking Yuvraj-Singh-going-out-with-Deepika-Padukone old. That must have been, like, five years ago, right?

Regardless, my Dad finally agreed to let me call customer service and ask them what the hell they were doing selling me a laptop that fused when you just dropped water on it. Even if that is pretty much the only criteria you need to fuse out any circuit. The little details don't matter. So I call their 1800 line and some dude in a Scandinavian country (at least I think so) picks up and thanks me for calling and that my issues will be immediately attended to and to hold and that I'll be dispatched to a customer services line in - wait for it - India.

So the line was on hold with that awful music for about ten minutes before a guy picked up and started chattering away in that horrible anti-British accent all those call centre people seem to have. Needless to say, being an 1800 line, I didn't get anything useful out of it and my appeal for warranty was, very rudely, rejected. But I couldn't care less since my Dad will eventually stop fuming anyway and take the laptop somewhere into the hidden IT section of his company that no one sees or knows and get it made as good as new, with the latest iTunes installed.

So my laptop? I don't give a damn. But what I did care about, for a large portion of the call and subsequently after, was whether the call centre guy looked like Dev Patel.

Seriously.

I'm gonna hit that. Soon...

For all I know the call centre dude must be married with kids, probably rides a Scooty Pep+ to work and watches Nach Baliye reruns. But what if, just what if, he turned out to be an annoyingly cute British-Indian with a life-long ambition to track down a girl he met years ago and wouldn't rest until he was united with his one true love?

What if this Dev-ish person was actually one of my kindergarten classmates who used to pull my plaits and pour water down the back of my multi-coloured uniform?

And what if that boy got hit with a large stick of utter cuteness as he grew up and started thinking, "Maybe I shouldn't have pulled her plaits and poured water down the back of her multi-coloured uniform" and attempts to find me and take me far, far away to a... umm... CST terminal where we can start life anew with our tender love and affection for each other?

You can't see me, but I'm jumping in my swivel chair, yelling, "Hell, yeah!"

And you know the best part?

He'll be ten million bucks richer by the end.

Which means "Goodbye, Acer" and "Hello, MacBook Air".
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