Salman Khan : Will Vote for Money

Local badboy and consistent hypocrite, Salman Khan, who campaigned extensively for a bunch of parties at the same time (which makes you question his sanity anyway) pulled a really really really really really, and I can't stress this enough, really stupid pseudo-PR stunt that he supposed would relate him to the common masses - yeah, he made excuses for not voting.

Quiz Sallu about the reason he did not vote, he says, “It was not possible for me to take a flight from London to show that I voted.”

When he is given the example of his colleagues SRK and Aamir who made it a point fly from foreign locations just to vote, he said, “They have the time and money to do so which I do not have.”

So is voting not an important issue for Salman? he says, “The Government should make voting mandatory by punishing people who don’t do so and giving incentives to citizens to vote. I would come for that extra money.”

I like how he said he has no money. Firstly, it gives those people roaming around Mumbai for decades together a reason to not join Bollywood - it pays zilch. Then there's the fact that continuously being around vapid, underweight actresses gives you a sense of superiority that makes you look like a douche. And, finally, because I had to say it, gives men a reason not to get their ears pierced...
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Dhoni Will Now Burn in Hell

The Self-Proclaimed King of Everything, Amitabh Bachchan, was probably the one who caused the freak outbreak of swine flu all across the world, in retaliation to MS Dhoni's delayed response to his SMSs. Even Zen and the Art of Living describes that a sound life revolves around good food, sleep, exercise and morals. And the continuous appeasement of the Bachchans.

Here's the snippet from Bachchan's blog on BigAdda:

"Knowing his closeness to Dhoni, I complain to John (Abraham) about Mahi not responding to the message of greeting I had sent him on his decoration of the Padma Shri. He says he shall connect me immediately right away. I stop him. Ask him to look up at the TV - Chennai is playing Royal Rajasthan and Dhoni is very much on the field - IN SOUTH AFRICA !!

I had wished Harbhajan too on his Padma Shri and we had spoken to each other about my message to Mahi. He had ,even, graciously passed on my greetings to him. But still no response. Must have been busy. John has given me his mobile now and said he shall have a word with him on this. No sweat. So long as Dhoni keeps whacking the hell out of the opposition, I am fine."

Uhh, Mr. King? Has the fact that the Chennai Super Kings were being thrashed to their last hair completely managed to escape your attention? Maybe he was busy, I dunno, because he actually wanted to be on the field for the shitload of money he was paid. The money he got to play. Play. Not to respond to messages congratulating him for a Padma Shri he didn't want/accept since he has enough dignity and self-respect to stay away from national awards that are presented to people like Akshay Kumar and Helen for their "unparalleled contribution to cinema and the arts".

Or maybe he just anticipated their antics (below) at their polling booth on the 30th of April in Mumbai (Juhu?). I like the "don't mess with me" look that Abhishek is throwing at the cameraman. If you get rid of the shades, you could feel his eyes screaming at you, "Get me emancipated from this family NOW!!"


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Didn't Expect This

While the actual team members are having their perfectly proportioned backsides kicked, the rest of Team KKR doesn't seem to be doing all that well either. Remember that dreadful "reality" show where SRK picked a bunch of overtly peppy schoolgirls with the promise of their fifteen minutes of obviously well-deserved fame? Yeah, turns out they can't really have those fifteen minutes after all.

Nothing is going right for SRK. Not only is his IPL team Kolkatta Knight Riders facing one humiliating defeat after another, now he has to send back the cheerleaders who had been selected to encourage his team during matches.

Sourav Ganguly and a team of judges had zeroed in on six girls who would travel with the team to South Africa and be the cheerleaders for KKR. This selection was done through a reality TV show on NDTV Imagine called Knights and Angels. Therefore, Sanna, Samyukta, Ritika, Ananya, Sunanda and Rupali went all the way to Cape Town, hoping to show off their talent to the entire world. But like everyone associated with KKR they were in for disappointment.

Reports say that security personnel disallowed any outsiders to be on the field, and as a result, only South African girls could be cheerleaders for the tournament. It is reported that SRK tried every possible maneuver to get these girls their due, but all attempts failed. Now that KKR's fate in the IPL looks shaky, the girls are being sent back home.

To make things worse, it seems there might be some payment issues involved and the contract these girls signed may also be null and void.

The only consolation was that the girls got to share SRK's VIP box to watch the matches. But after weeks of grueling routines and competition, this isn't very much.

Hold the phone! Ganguly was present at this jig? Why wasn't he practicing with the rest of his team? Was this his own form of personal revenge for not being chosen as the sole captain? Is KKR losing because of some conspiracy on his part? Has he changed his spectacles yet? 'Cause I though being a famous cricketer and all helped speed along the income generation. So why no contacts, Saurav? Too many questions, too few PR people.

P.S. This article had some 20-odd spelling errors. You'd think NDTV could afford a document software with a spell checker...
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Please Be Kidding. Please Be Kidding. PLEASE BE F-ING KIDDING!

Pack your bags, read your holy books and repent for your sins, for the Queen of All Things Emotionally Disturbing finally figured, "Hey! What's the best way to compete for screen time on TV? I know! I'll pick a douchebag husband and marry him live."

This shit will be aired on NDTV Imagine. I figured NDTV would be responsible for it...

"Welcome to Rakhi Sawant's Swayamvar. In what promises to be a first of its kind experience on television, Bollywood's hottest item girl has chosen to search for her real life-partner on NDTV Imagine's new reality show Rakhi Ka Swayamvar. The nationwide search for the perfect husband will culminate in a grand wedding where Rakhi will tie the knot.

So what are you waiting for? Tell us what Rakhi should be looking for in her life partner.

Better still, if you think you are Mr Right for the Mirchi babe then propose to her online. Who knows you might be the one to sweep Rakhi off her feet!

For more keep watching Rakhi Ka Swayamvar on NDTV Imagine."

Too many sarcastic remarks in head......brain cells fizzing......spontaneous implosion......*bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*


P.S. Do her eyes look red in the above image? They're crimson... like the eyes of the devil's spawn. Like Voldemort's. Like Sauron's, except not yellow. Oh, my God... I am such a fantasy-book geek. And also, the Anti-Christ is among us! RUNNNNNN!

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Give it a Rest!

Since everyone who is on the verge of insanity has been publicly condemning this shit, I figured I should probably censor the image to prevent future lawsuits or something. So around the naughty bits, there is a strategically placed picture of a very disapproving R.R. Patil.

Akshay Kumar took a serious transition from the khiladi to a cheap stripper (who wears Levi's...?) at the Lakme Fashion Week in Mumbai recently. Needless to say, everyone from Anil Nair (who is this guy?) and the Dalai Lama (no, I'm just messing with you) are speaking out against this incident. Look, the guy's marriage is probably on the rocks or something, and there's nothing like a good PR stunt with your wife to get back into the tabloid's good graces. And the tagline for the clothing line he's endorsing is 'Live Unbuttoned', so if he doesn't do any obvious unbuttoning and/or shedding of clothes, there really is no point of Levi's hiring him in the first place, is there?

Besides, he looks reasonably hot for a dude in his 40s.
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Hallelujah!

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It's raining... justice!

Or something in that regard.

So news reaches me that the Supreme Court totally torched Sanjay Dutt's butt and said he can't contest in the General Elections this year (or ever, considering how long these cases take to be processed) since he got caught playing with license-less AK-47s instead of a stethoscope and Gandhi's monkeys like Munnabhai was supposed to. Dutt was a candidate of the Samajwadi Party for the Lucknow seat in the Lok Sabha.

In a twist of Batman-like vigilante justice being handed out, the SC said that Dutt was disqualified from contesting the elections under Section 8 (3) of the Representation of People Act. The Act states that anyone with an order to spend a significant period of time in prison is rendered incapable of contesting in the elections.

It was great news, till the court labeled his father, Sunil Dutt, as an honourable politician (which I have no say in, since I never looked up his work) and squished my ego by announcing that they had to stop him from contesting because of the case against him but that he was not a 'habitual criminal' and an all-round good guy. Really, SC? Are you sure? Because if you ask me, dude seems like he's high A LOT. Not that I'm the Keeper of the Constitution or anything, but I really do feel that possession of low-grade weed in your spacious backyard is kinda a criminal offense. You might wanna look into it.

Regardless, this calls for a celebration. I'm gonna pop open a Coke and watch Lage Raho Munnabhai while continuously laughing at Dutt's face. Then I'll probably cry myself to sleep, considering Dutt is a total jerk, but still has more money than me.

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