Salman Khan : Will Vote for Money

Local badboy and consistent hypocrite, Salman Khan, who campaigned extensively for a bunch of parties at the same time (which makes you question his sanity anyway) pulled a really really really really really, and I can't stress this enough, really stupid pseudo-PR stunt that he supposed would relate him to the common masses - yeah, he made excuses for not voting.

Quiz Sallu about the reason he did not vote, he says, “It was not possible for me to take a flight from London to show that I voted.”

When he is given the example of his colleagues SRK and Aamir who made it a point fly from foreign locations just to vote, he said, “They have the time and money to do so which I do not have.”

So is voting not an important issue for Salman? he says, “The Government should make voting mandatory by punishing people who don’t do so and giving incentives to citizens to vote. I would come for that extra money.”

I like how he said he has no money. Firstly, it gives those people roaming around Mumbai for decades together a reason to not join Bollywood - it pays zilch. Then there's the fact that continuously being around vapid, underweight actresses gives you a sense of superiority that makes you look like a douche. And, finally, because I had to say it, gives men a reason not to get their ears pierced...
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Issues That Didn't Matter in the Election '09

I stumbled cross this bulletin article on India-forums on the writer's take on the "Eight Issues That Didn't Matter in Campaign 2009" and I found that it hit home certain sides I just never thought about. Give it a read here: India-forums.com

:)

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Election News - The Verdict

Well, the results are in.

And The Empress says that The Puppet shall remain King. Big surprise. Like she wanted the pressure of the job. Better to pull the strings, don't you think ?

The Also Ran finally gives in and says that he shall lead no more. I kind of pity him. Always being the second-in-command must finally have had an effect on him. Even this time, the voice of the sycophants was shriller in proclaiming the Star Campaigner. Sigh !

The expelled Saint calls the leadership of his former party "narcissist".

His exact statement was, "the party is not stronger under him (the guy who kicked him out)" and added that "narcissistic leadership will not help".

Cat fight for retirees. Nice !

The smooth shaved Newbie pulled of a coup in UP. He says he would like to join the cabinet. somebody call mummy !

The regional parties have been made to eat their words. Lalu made a great show of doing it. The posturing and preening before the elections, then having to eat the humble pie. Entertaining to watch.

The good thing for us - no fractured mandate, loss of Left, a serious chance for a party to show that it can accomplish something. At least now they won't give us the normal excuse of being hamstrung by the demands of the allies.

That's all that my DBZ hammered brain can report at this moment.

My brief for today was to report only on the election.
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Dhoni Will Now Burn in Hell

The Self-Proclaimed King of Everything, Amitabh Bachchan, was probably the one who caused the freak outbreak of swine flu all across the world, in retaliation to MS Dhoni's delayed response to his SMSs. Even Zen and the Art of Living describes that a sound life revolves around good food, sleep, exercise and morals. And the continuous appeasement of the Bachchans.

Here's the snippet from Bachchan's blog on BigAdda:

"Knowing his closeness to Dhoni, I complain to John (Abraham) about Mahi not responding to the message of greeting I had sent him on his decoration of the Padma Shri. He says he shall connect me immediately right away. I stop him. Ask him to look up at the TV - Chennai is playing Royal Rajasthan and Dhoni is very much on the field - IN SOUTH AFRICA !!

I had wished Harbhajan too on his Padma Shri and we had spoken to each other about my message to Mahi. He had ,even, graciously passed on my greetings to him. But still no response. Must have been busy. John has given me his mobile now and said he shall have a word with him on this. No sweat. So long as Dhoni keeps whacking the hell out of the opposition, I am fine."

Uhh, Mr. King? Has the fact that the Chennai Super Kings were being thrashed to their last hair completely managed to escape your attention? Maybe he was busy, I dunno, because he actually wanted to be on the field for the shitload of money he was paid. The money he got to play. Play. Not to respond to messages congratulating him for a Padma Shri he didn't want/accept since he has enough dignity and self-respect to stay away from national awards that are presented to people like Akshay Kumar and Helen for their "unparalleled contribution to cinema and the arts".

Or maybe he just anticipated their antics (below) at their polling booth on the 30th of April in Mumbai (Juhu?). I like the "don't mess with me" look that Abhishek is throwing at the cameraman. If you get rid of the shades, you could feel his eyes screaming at you, "Get me emancipated from this family NOW!!"


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Just When You Think the Samajwadi Party Couldn't Dig a Bigger Grave...

...they come right out and surprise you all over again.

I figure my own manifesto must have influenced them so much that they decided to rip off my acute wit and intelligence. Then again, their agenda really sucks, while mine reflects our time.

A cycle. On a political party's flag. They're practically
giving me bait.

The SP chief, Mulayam Singh Yadav, revealed his party's manifesto for the general elections yesterday with all this shit:

• Curbing of English medium schools, and in all generality, English itself. This is probably a direct repercussion of the fact the entire party is vastly uneducated. And because they've probably took one cocaine sniff too much.
• Curbing of...and hear this...COMPUTERS. They feel, and I directly quote, that "the use of computers in offices is creating unemployment problems. Our party feels that if work can be done by a person using hands there is no need to deploy machines." So he's just talking PCs, not laptops, right? Because if I get up in the morning and don't have access to coffee or the internet, I'll probably go down to Lucknow and shoot this guy in the head.
• Banning of agricultural goods. 'Cause they feel the employment rate during the harvest season is declining and therefore banishment of tractors, motors and those Transformers like equipments that sow, glean, harvest and thresh crops on their own is the ideal way to go about it. At this rate, only high-profile businessmen can afford basic things like food.
• Oops, too late. Apparently, they're cutting down high corporate salaries. This, in simpler words, mean more taxes. Socialist, much?
• Setting up of unemployment allowance schemes for farmers and rural workers. So Mr. Yadav. There's this thing. It's called the National Rural Employment Guarantee Programme. And it works (somewhat) since it follows the policy of "if you want cash, you need to work for it." Are you going to be banning working for farmers now and just pay them free cash? That'd work well for votes, but at the end of the day, when there's no food left in India, you might end up pondering over how f-ed up this idea is, while you slowly starve to death.
• Stock trading? According to them, it's just plain evil. An entire parallel economy thrives on the stock market alone for brokers, insurance people, speculators, corporates and middle men. So I have a question for Mr. Yadav. Why are people so stupid sometimes? Why?
• Curbing of mall culture. Are you f-ing kidding me??!!

I'm guessing this announcement was ended with a "we'll take you forward into a new era."

There's a name for it, losers. It's called the stone age.
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Sharad Pawar Doesn't Own a Car

Would you just give me a minute? I think I have something in my throat...

*cough*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

*cough*

Yeah, I'm OK.

Yep. Definitely looks like a man who
walks to work everyday.

Besides this, Times of India reported that the current Union civil aviation minister Praful Patel and Pawar's daughter, Supriya Sule, don't own vehicles either. And Sushilkumar Shinde, Congress nominee from Solapur for the elections, just owns a Fiat purchased in 1974 for Rs.13,000. I really, really, really want to laugh again, but I fear if I begin now, I won't stop till sunset and probably miss the rerun show of Roadies this afternoon.


I'm guessing there was a interview or something with the Income Tax Department that prompted this declaration, even if the rest of the country knows that it's A BIG FAT GODDAMN LIE! Next there'll be a talk show held by Arnab Goswami of Times Now asking Pawar to explain this. Let me illustrate that for you:

Arnab Goswami: Blah blah blah blah (for approximately 45 minutes, while bashing the BJP and laughing at his own jokes, while the rest of the world switches channels to watch Shilpa Shukla make drama on Jhalak Dikhla Ja instead) You recently declared your assets and said that you don't own a car. Of course, as noble citizens and devoted countrymen, we totally believe everything you say. No evidence of debauchery or illegal activites exist to prove otherwise. But to reaffirm faith in your general awesomeness with the good people of the nation, what do you have to comment on the situation, which I personally believe is a pot of back-handed lies used to attack your holy grace.

Sharad Pawar: Zzzz - hmm... what? Oh, a thousand apologies, I fell asleep. Vote for me. *snooze*

AG: Poor guy. Working so hard for the benefit of the common masses. He's the Martin Luther King of India, a beacon of hope and truth in such troubled time. He enlightens us with his -

Producer: Uhh... Arnab? You have seven minutes of on-air time left and frankly, no one's watching this. Why do I fund for this shit?

AG: Whatever, bitch. We'll take our first caller now. Hello?

Caller: Hello, Arnab. I just want to ask Mr. Pawar how he thinks he'll garner votes this year when everyone knows about his underhanded schemes to dominate and overthrow democracy in his own pathetic and - *bleep*

AG: Oops. We seem to have lost our caller. No matter. In the next few minutes, we'll air the entire video of the Congress's 'Jai Ho' anthem, especially compiled for general public showcase. I hope you enjoy it and vote judiciously. Here's Arnab Goswami of Times Now saying goodbye, thank you and please, vote for the right people. I mean, the Congress. Not that I'm trying to advertise them or anything. Just that, they're good. Vote for them. Though it's your choice. That's what democracy is. Your vote is private. Vote for them. Seriously. Thanks.


God, I'd hate to be the woman who presents the news with him *shudder*
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What is With the System??

After intense nagging and a good dose of those Jaago Re ads, my parents consented to register for their voter IDs a couple of months ago. Though, of course, being MY parents, they conveniently forgot to inform me, so I continued nagging them till one fine morning, my dad woke up and yelled that he had already registered ages ago and that I should crawl into a dark place and shut up.

Well, I tried. But I just can't shut up.


Anyelectionnewsiskillingme, I found out that the reason my parents were so pissed at me in first place was because I made them run all around their parents' birthplaces to get their ration cards approved so they could register for their vote. Yep, regardless of what any website may tell you, you need your ration card to get your name into the voter list. And that too, you need to have a ration card in the district you're currently living in if you want the process to run smoothly, or there'll be some serious under-the-table cash exchange going around.

And all this nonsense even after my parents have two of the highest media of citizen identification in the country - the passport and the Pan card.


They have both. And they were denied. With all due respect, when your passport is handed to you it means the following things:

1) You were able to certify your date and place of birth.
2) Your parents were identified, as were your spouse and children.
3) Your education record was studied, in case your birth certificate was not issued.
4) Your criminal record is squeaky clean and there have been no registered cases of illegal activities, embezzlement, an FIR, or even a goddamn parking ticket.
5) You were able to provide a valid current address and also supply your previous addresses, if they were mentioned in earlier passports that were renewed.
6) Your entire traveling record is probed into and studied to make sure you didn't spend any time, any where, doing something stupid like maintaining a marijuana plantation is Malaysia.


In short, your entire life is stripped and searched, as shamelessly as a security check in an American airport if you sport a bushy beard. And if that doesn't qualify you as a law-abiding citizen (mostly) with a clean record, then I don't know what does.


And regardless, most people of middle classes and higher do not own ration cards anymore since:

(a) They have money now.
(b) They figured Big Bazaar sells more at sasta rates.
(c) The waiting lines are bloody murder.


So dearest Election Commission: grow up. We already have and you're really lagging behind.










And once again, my voice goes unheard, right?
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To Set the Record Straight

Someone was asking me that day whether I support the Congress or the BJP and since I didn't want to sting anyone's political sentiments, I just added discreetly that "my vote is private".

And that wasn't received well.


I don't quite get it - I'm allowed to vote for whoever I want, but I can't really talk about the party I support, even if by some helluva lucky chance, it turns out to be the same party that the person asking me about it supports, and his fanaticism doesn't evolve into rage. Then again, who am I to comment on this, when someone as famous as Shashi Tharoor is given slack for writing a pro-Israel piece, even if India's stand on the conflict is pro-Palestine. OK, so the government wants to support Palestine. I'm cool with that. What I'm not cool with, is the fact that I am forced to accept the government's stand as my own and support the ties that it feels comfortable with, even if my opinions vary. Moreover, if I do have an alternate opinion, I should keep the darn thing to myself and also face little chance of the Election Commission approving me on the basis of said vocal viewpoint.

Oh, wait. Cancel that. I totally get it now - People with opinions are just not allowed to contest for a position in the state or union legislative assemblies.

Yep, I'm all clear now. I'll just pass on this message to the millions of impressionable young minds across the country so we can be fully assured that we'll never prosper.

Cool.



In more 'Duh-er than Duh' news, if you're above 18 years and have not registered to vote, well then, shame on you.



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