Issues That Didn't Matter in the Election '09

I stumbled cross this bulletin article on India-forums on the writer's take on the "Eight Issues That Didn't Matter in Campaign 2009" and I found that it hit home certain sides I just never thought about. Give it a read here: India-forums.com

:)

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Who Else is Hoping This is Swine Flu?

And also wishing that India runs out of TamiFlu just seconds before Karunanidhi is diagnosed with the disease? I wouldn't mind dying of a pandemic if it means I can take down some bloodthirsty politicians with me...

More from Rediff.com:

Tamil Nadu Chief Ministry and DMK chief M. Karunanidhi was on Sunday admitted to Apollo Hospital in Chennai due to high fevers, doctors said.

The 85-year-old leader was admitted to the hospital in the morning and is undergoing treatment. According to DMK sources, Karunanidhi also complained of severe back pain.

Karunanidhi, who underwent a major surgery for his back problem in February, has hit the campaign trail for the Lok Sabha elections only two days ago.

Is this guy trying to pull an MGR? MG Ramachandran (who was probably worshiped by your parents, if you're from the South) won an entire state assembly election with about twice the number of votes than Karunanidhi won, and all while he was in the hospital with a bullet in his neck. Call it sympathy votes, but the dude went on to win every election he stood in and the DMK had really no chance till he died in office. That, people, is called Charisma. And also the reason people like SRK would win if they contested
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Rahul Gandhi: Not Ready to be PM

At least he has the decency to admit he doesn't quite have the necessary qualifications to be a PM just yet, even as his entire family, and the rest of the Congress, is hell bent on making sure he's the next PM candidate. It's sounds like a Shakespearean tragedy, where a man must choose between his family pressures and appearing sane to the public with his dignity intact.

He stated there were two reasons he wouldn't accept the PM post just yet:

"One is that I am working in the organisation of the Congress party which I think is fundamental for this country. I think it is very important for a strong, progressive, pro-poor youth organisation is developed in this country and that is a very, very big priority of mine.

"Number two is I don't think I have the experience to be the Prime Minister of the country right now," he said.

He earned a gold star in my book for that. But then he had to open his mouth again and say this:

Gandhi struck an aggressive note on being quizzed about the Bofors controversy and the 1984 anti-Sikh riots and whether he was prepared to apologise for them.

"There is absolutely nothing that I have to apologise about Bofors. It is a complete lie," he said adding that the controversy was a "calumny" spread by the Opposition for 20 years.

Rahul also hit out at the BJP blaming them of Babri Masjid demolition.

"Babri Masjid was broken by the politics of BJP. It was broken by the politics of division, it was broken by dividing Indians against Indians."

Striking the opposition for their mistakes, yet not willing to accept your own party's errors shows that he has a lot more growing up to do. Especially when both the incidents were proven to have a major Congress hand, just as the Babri Masjid incident was pinned on the BJP.

Ah, well, that's just the Congress influence for you...
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Cheap Shot

The Naxals wanted attention. And congrats, losers, now you have it.

Jharkhand seems to be bearing the immense brunt of the Naxal's fury as a series of tragic events have been taking place there prior to the second phase of the elections which is to start tomorrow. At around 7.30am today morning, around 200 Naxals hijacked a train on its way from Barkakana to Mughalsarai. Security forces were rushed to the area and after a few hours of total disarray, no thanks to the utter lack of a plan (except, you know, "storming in and rescuing everyone heroically") and the frenzy caused by national news channels, the Naxals obviously got bored and released the 700 or so passengers. Well, they got the media coverage they needed, didn't they?

This attack (I guess) comes after a series of public assaults by the Naxalites, preceded by the bomb blast at Utari railway station, just a few minutes before the Rajdhani Express was scheduled to pass. Several bomb blasts and small instances of violence have also been reported in Bihar.


A quick Wikipedia search says that over 6000 civilians and police employs have been killed (ruthlessly, I might add) at the hands of the Naxals. Sometimes, I still don't get what the hell they're trying to convey. Are the against the government, or just certain policies? Are the against general public welfare, or they supporting it, 'cause killing hundreds of thousand of people doesn't really qualify as 'public welfare' in my books. Are they aliens, just waiting to kill of minorities and random citizens one by one, before taking over.. uhh.. India? Or maybe just North-east India, Bengal and Bihar. Or are they fighting against democracy in general?

Oh, who cares? We've given them more than enough attention already *grumbles*
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You Go, Girl!

You go, girl: A phrase commonly used by minority female characters in a B-list Hollywood movie to symbolize feminism in their community while stereotyping minority groups in general.


For those of you who have been living under a rock over the last week or so (I was on holiday, so I don't count), Sanjay Dutt has given a little monologue to UP chief minister Mayawati, which was meant to make people relate to him, you know, as an actor:

Actor turned politician Sanjay Dutt has landed in another controversy.

This time he made an offer of a jadu ki jhappi (magical hug) to Uttar Pradesh chief minister Mayawati.

Sanjay Dutt, “I haven't come here to give a speech, mos1 I've come here to do 'Gandhigiri', I will give Mayawati jaadu ki jhappi, and a big kiss.”

In the film, Munnabhai's gesture would turn enemies into friends, but the belligerent behenji of the BSP is not the sort who turns the other cheek and clearly is no fan of Munnabhai's Gandhigiri either.

Considering how Mayawati has already proved herself to be quite badass (even more so than Phoolan Devi) and could take down Cokehead Dutt in seconds, it was not-so-surprising when she came out with a byte so polite that it hurt, while issuing a police notice in his name:

Mayawati saw this as an opportunity to score political points against her rival camp Samajwadi Party (SP) and decided that this was too sexist a remark for her to ignore in keeping with the jee huzoori in UP.

The Pratapgarh DM has promptly served a notice to Sanjay Dutt asking him to explain himself within 24 hours.

The District Magistrate has also asked the police to investigate if the matter requires a case to be registered against Dutt junior.

She also hit out with this:

"My political opponents have no good work to their credit and are demoralised over the BSPs growing popularity. Hence, they are now gathering people who are good at little except singing, dancing and "farzi" fake Gandhigiri", the BSP supremo told an election meeting in Allahabad.

Without naming Dutt or the Samajwadi Party which has made the actor its General Secretary, she said, "Our political opponents need to remember that naachne-gaane wale those who sing and dance, through their farzi Gandhigiri, may attract huge crowds but will not help them get votes".

Wow, dude. Heard your wife stormed out to the Bahamas or something. I'd join her if I were you, 'cause I'm sensing a lot of pissed-off UP people will be marching towards your home in a few days, and it might not necessarily be for a jaadu ki jhappi.

Ref: Timesnow.tv and Indiatvnews.com
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Sonia: Advani slave to RSS

If looks could kill...

Sonia Gandhi loves involving herself in conversations that never included her in the first place. Which is why when the current PM and the next BJP PM hopeful had a tiff with some embarrassingly childish insults, Ms.Gandhi felt a dire need to respond even as she wasn't asked a question. I think it's a family problem, even Priyanka can't keep her mouth shut.


NDTV:

Stepping up attack on NDA's Prime Ministerial candidate L K Advani for his weak PM remarks against Manmohan Singh, Congress president Sonia Gandhi said on Saturday that the BJP leader himself "cannot take any decision without the approval of Sangh Parivar".

"The leader (Advani) who has targeted our Prime Minister, can he ever take a decision without the approval of Sangh Parivar? He even had to quit his post once. Then you know who is weak," she said.

"Congress does not run on the instruction or order of anybody. It takes its orders from people," she told an election rally in Pangidi.

Gandhi had on April 15 alleged that the BJP leader was a "slave of the RSS", while dismissing his oft-repeated charge of Manmohan Singh being a weak Prime Minister.

She ridiculed BJP's charges of the UPA being "soft on terror", saying her party has never been weak in fighting terrorists.

As a note, the RSS stands for Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh, a non-profit charity organization that every member in the BJP is part of by default. They've done some pretty good work and are obviously a force to be reckoned with.

And it's funny that this byte is to boost the image of Manmohan Singh, who from what everyone knows, obviously consults Sonia for everything. I mean, the guy holds the most powerful position in the country (besides, you know, the Tatas, Ambanis and SRK) and he still lets his deputy walk before him for public meetings and conferences? If he has an inkling of self-respect, he would call her out on it and ask her to, please, madam, follow MY lead, since I am YOUR leader and definitely not the other way round.

It's a shame that we're losing good men to the dictating principles of hierarchy that still forms such a major part of our administration.

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(Insert Lame Salman Khan Joke Here)

Remember the guy who shot at black buck deers, ran over street dwellers, verbally assaulted famous ex-girlfriends and starred in the disaster that was Hello? Yeah, well he's gotten crazier than was earlier predicted.

Salman Khan, or Sallu as Bombay Times affectionately refers to him, has recently been out of his protected studios to campaign for friends who are standing for the elections. On Sunday morning, he arrived at Nashik to support NCP candidate Sameer Bhujpal. A few hours before that he evoked utter chaos at a rally for Satyajit Gaekwad. And on the 9th of April, we flew to Punjab to show his support to fellow actor Vinod Khanna.

Who are members of the NCP, the Congress and the BJP respectively.

I appreciate his efforts, especially when a certain other Khan is partying it up in South Africa with the cheerleaders and general Indian national cricket team rejects. And in his defense, he said that he was campaigning for his friends and not for a party in particular. But in times like this you have to ask, is Salman Khan a loyal friend-in-need or just politically messed up due to accidentally shooting himself in the head with his hunting rifle?
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This is Unacceptable!

Wow, I just sounded all posh and everything.


I was flipping channels on TV, quite obviously bored, and I chanced upon a press conference with BJP's spokesperson, Arun Jaitley. Being a lawyer and a superhero with words, I really like the guy and sat down to watch it when Times Now cut right across to one of their pretty intern correspondents. She was talking about the IPL.

I skipped to NDTV News: IPL.

Headlines Today: IPL.

CNN-IBN: IPL.

CNBC: IPL.

BBC: IPL (??? Don't they have any British news to report?)


So since when did T-20 cricket gain an upper hand over the elections? I'm guessing it was around the time news channels with their sensational, and as Arnab Goswami would put it, 'exclusive', news footage graced our television sets.
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Kasav's Mom is Expected to Drop In...

His mom must be so proud...

This just in: Pranab Mukherjee, the External Affairs Minister, just announced that Ajmal Amir Kasav, also known as the certified lunatic who murdered scores of innocent civilians during the Mumbai seize, is going to be having a special visitor: his mother is coming to town. Won't they look so precious together for the media, one big happy family in the highest security prison in the state? I can almost smell the barf that will be projecting from my stomach when I see this again tomorrow in the papers.

I'm all for family reunions. I really am. But not so much when it's for a delusional, murdering psychopath who effectively split our nation into tiny fragments of immense shame and dejection as we all pranced around to his and his associates' fancy whim to participate in a bloodbath massacre.

Why is Mukherjee allowing family visits for a terrorist, a disgusting piece of an excuse for humanity? His case has been pushed back for so long, and these reports are falling in even as his case has been scheduled to start tomorrow. The news aired first on Times Now, and Shinjoy Chaudry, Senior Editor of Times Now, stated that this can be considered as good news since it confirms that Kasav is from Pakistan.

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Aww, Pumpkin. You're missing one tiny little fact. This is Pakistan we're talking about. If they went out of their way to reject Kasav and all his cronies as Pakistani citizens, then it's just going to take Zardari and Gilani a few seconds to organize a fancy press conference and say that Kasav's 'mother' isn't a Pakistan citizen either. Then you're back to square one, kid.

So while this drama enfolds, I'm going to go see if I can renounce my own Indian citizenship stating 'utter shame' as my excuse.
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Because This is So Necessary Right Now

It seems like Bollywood isn't all that happy about being left out of the spotlight, which has recently been focused on national politics for some very obvious reasons. Now, I understand the industry's desperate need to be the focus of attention all the time, but this is just ridiculous - Mukesh Bhatt just managed to snag a visit with the Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh, to discuss the whole producer-multiplex fiasco. Oh, please. Like the PM is free long enough to actually reserve a spot on his busy schedule of campaigning for a -

Oh, wait. He is. More from India-Forums:

Mumbai, April 13 (IANS) In the wake of the Bollywood producers-multiplex tiff over revenue sharing, filmmaker Mukesh Bhatt met Prime Minister Manmohan Singh here Monday to discuss various issues concerning the film industry.

'I met the prime minister today (Monday) and discussed with him various issues that are affecting the industry today,' Bhatt, who is the chairman of the United Forum for Bollywood Producers and Distributors, told IANS.

'I told him that Bollywood is the biggest entertainment industry in the world after Hollywood and it also has a major cultural impact in various parts of the world, especially in South East Asia. So, our industry should be looked at by the government carefully,' Bhatt said.

'I have requested him to form a dedicated and experienced panel to look into the day-to-day working of the industry and tackle the issues in a legitimate manner without any bias, otherwise the industry would surely be extinct some day, ' he said.

As for the prime minister's response Bhatt said: 'He was very welcome to the idea. He said he can't do much as of now due to the elections. He said he would 100 percent help us and support us with such a panel if he comes to power. And I hope that happens soon.'

Though the point of discussion was primarily the revenue sharing between producers and multiplexes, Bhatt says he wanted to convey to the prime minister the need for government intervention in such matters.

You know what? The Congress should strike out 'alleviating poverty', 'promoting education', 'appeasing minorities' and 'fixing the economy' and just go ahead and add 'help the snobbish retards in the film industry' to their manifesto. That'll definitely get them votes.

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A Rant That Turned Out to be Much More

Recently, the BJP candidate for PM, L.K.Advani, challenged the current PM, Manmohan Singh, to a live debate before the elections for the general public to grasp exactly what each party's propaganda is (without the media misconstruing everything) and to effectively decide who to vote for. This was widely appreciated by most sane, normal people with a sense of respect for themselves and their nation, while the Congress was completely against it. One might say this was because they just wished to prevent social awakening. Or maybe since they don't wish to comply with foreign standards of fair election campaigning. Or maybe, and it's most probably this one, their candidate has always proven to be an inefficient orator and an even worse politician.

Which are considered bad traits in a man who wishes to occupy the top-most government position of power in the entire country.

So today, in retaliation, Singh gave the following quotes. From NDTV.com:

With just about a day left before campaigning ends, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Monday attacked leader of the Opposition LK Advani saying that his strength lies in speech and not action.

Speaking in Mumbai, the Prime Minister said, "I am not a sloganeer. Unlike the NDA's prime ministerial candidate I will not be found weeping in a corner while hoodlums teat down a centuries old mosque, nor would I be found wringing my hands in frustration when one of my chief ministers condones a pogrom targeted at minorities."

Manmohan also said that he will certainly not say things in Pakistan that will offend every Indian and then abandon his stand when it becomes politically inconvenient within his party.

"Mr Advani has the unique ability to combine strength in speech with weakness in action. This is not the strength we need," he said.

The Prime Minister also termed BJP chief Rajnath Singh's statement as total lie that he, as the then Leader of the Opposition in Rajya Sabha, was consulted before release of Kandahar terrorists.

"Advani had agreed to release the terrorists and subjected Cabinet colleague Jaswant Singh to the humiliation of having personally escorted the terrorists during Kandahar episode to their safe haven," he said.

When asked about Rahul Gandhi becoming the Prime Minister, Singh said, "Someday power must be passed over to young people as it is happening all over the world and Rahul Gandhi has all the qualities to be a good Prime Minister."

Where to start?


1) Doesn't strong speech and the ability to sway crowds with just his striking personality make a true leader? Oratory skills are quite useful and damned necessary if you want to make an impression on your voters, so yes, if Advani thinks a debate must be held for both parties to get their points across, I fully support him.

2) The Congress really has no right to talk about communal riots or controversies since they have been embroiled in controversies worse, if not equivalent to, what occurred during the BJP's reign. The Bofors scandal worth Rs. 64 crores in the 1980s that led to the direct downfall of the Congress in the following elections? Or the 1984 Anti-Sikh riots which played an even more significant role in why the BJP came into power? Or the controversy over Sonia Gandhi's offices of profit when she was as MP, which was illegal?

3) The Kandahar incident. This will never cease as ammunition against the BJP. Remember the Mumbai hotel seize recently? How could you not? Imagine yourself as one of the members of the families with a loved one stuck inside the Taj around this time. It's damn hard, isn't it? You'd have probably sold your soul to request the government to negotiate and give in to any of the terrorist demands just so you could have your loved one out alive again. The Congress refused to do that. They sent in forces late, stalled break-ins in the name of investigations even as the time called for serious action by the military forces and, when the mission finally ended three days later, bragged about how they wouldn't give in to terrorism and its demands. It's a brilliant plan, really. Except when you let innocent citizens die in order to prove how tough your administration is.

When the Kandahar hijack occurred and the hijackers demanded the release of major names being some of the world's most horrifying terror plots in return for the passengers' safety, the BJP gave in. While many assume this as a fault of character by the Vajpayee government, I admire it. The BJP gave up its dignity and knew this would directly affect its future political ambitions and yet decided to go along with it. For the sake of hundreds of innocent civilians. If that doesn't show character, I really don't know what does. So when the Congress moonlights as an unmasked vigilante, the BJP does its work secretly, and a hundred times better.


I want a BJP vs. Congress debate LIVE on every news channel in the country, English and otherwise. I want Arnab Goswami and Rajdeep Sardesai to shut up and stop interrupting the people they are interviewing, under the name of time constraints on TV, so that people can, once and for all, form a solid opinion that won't falter even as they hold the ballots in their hand, the hand that casts the precious vote. I want order for once, and not a gimmick on national television where the media can jump to assumptions as they would in petty celebrity tabloids. Advani and Manmohan are not celebrities. They are men on a mission, and they are required to prove themselves to each citizen that is old enough to vote. Campaign rallies are rigged, with each party pulling in fanatical supporters to promote them. If they want to be in power, they need to showcase their competence, oratory and otherwise.

And I swear to all Gods, if this debate happens in the ways prescribed above, I will finally have witnessed a fair election in my time.
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Just When You Think the Samajwadi Party Couldn't Dig a Bigger Grave...

...they come right out and surprise you all over again.

I figure my own manifesto must have influenced them so much that they decided to rip off my acute wit and intelligence. Then again, their agenda really sucks, while mine reflects our time.

A cycle. On a political party's flag. They're practically
giving me bait.

The SP chief, Mulayam Singh Yadav, revealed his party's manifesto for the general elections yesterday with all this shit:

• Curbing of English medium schools, and in all generality, English itself. This is probably a direct repercussion of the fact the entire party is vastly uneducated. And because they've probably took one cocaine sniff too much.
• Curbing of...and hear this...COMPUTERS. They feel, and I directly quote, that "the use of computers in offices is creating unemployment problems. Our party feels that if work can be done by a person using hands there is no need to deploy machines." So he's just talking PCs, not laptops, right? Because if I get up in the morning and don't have access to coffee or the internet, I'll probably go down to Lucknow and shoot this guy in the head.
• Banning of agricultural goods. 'Cause they feel the employment rate during the harvest season is declining and therefore banishment of tractors, motors and those Transformers like equipments that sow, glean, harvest and thresh crops on their own is the ideal way to go about it. At this rate, only high-profile businessmen can afford basic things like food.
• Oops, too late. Apparently, they're cutting down high corporate salaries. This, in simpler words, mean more taxes. Socialist, much?
• Setting up of unemployment allowance schemes for farmers and rural workers. So Mr. Yadav. There's this thing. It's called the National Rural Employment Guarantee Programme. And it works (somewhat) since it follows the policy of "if you want cash, you need to work for it." Are you going to be banning working for farmers now and just pay them free cash? That'd work well for votes, but at the end of the day, when there's no food left in India, you might end up pondering over how f-ed up this idea is, while you slowly starve to death.
• Stock trading? According to them, it's just plain evil. An entire parallel economy thrives on the stock market alone for brokers, insurance people, speculators, corporates and middle men. So I have a question for Mr. Yadav. Why are people so stupid sometimes? Why?
• Curbing of mall culture. Are you f-ing kidding me??!!

I'm guessing this announcement was ended with a "we'll take you forward into a new era."

There's a name for it, losers. It's called the stone age.
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P.I.M.M for Prime Minister!

Well, every major party has a manifesto by now and I, the little rascal that I am, felt the need to join with one of said major parties (whose name I shall refrain from mentioning, to look diplomatic and all) to promote their propaganda. I’m supposing no one told them how influential I can be, since as how they kicked my pretty behind all the way to the curb. So, in form of protest, I’m contesting alone this year. Yeah, loser, revenge is a bitch. VOTE FOR P.I.M.M!

MY AGENDA

FOR EDUCATION

Let’s face it, there isn’t really much to do here. A majority of rural areas don’t have secondary schools, or even primary and middle schools, for that matter, but who cares? We, as Indians, tend to kick ass in Calculus, Accounting and IT-related junk. The only people better than us are the Chinese. But we’ll exceed their population in a couple of years, so it’s OK.

FOR THE POPULATION SURGE

Speaking of, I have the perfect solution to stop the population bazooka that we’ve nurtured. Granted, it will interfere with the EDUCATION agenda, but compromise is essential. I propose: The birthing of babies must be made illegal. It’s as simple as that. If you so much as try giving birth (and scientific evidence shows that women are known to perform this activity more often than men do) you will be shot in the head and your baby will be sent to Cambodia to work in a Levi’s warehouse. No kidding.

FOR AGRICULTURE

Wikipedia states that our staple diet is rice and wheat. Well, you know what? They’re f-ing wrong! Our staple diet is pani puris and everyone knows that.

And how best to fill those millions of hungry stomachs that India had no care for before Slumdog Millionaire? Well, we wipe away all those tea plantations in Munnar and… grow pani puri trees! Screw the Green Revolution. Pani puris represent the true Indian and his frequent bowel issues.

FOR NUCLEAR POWER

I don’t know squat about atomic energy and how it works, but I fully support the growth of the industry in energy production as well as weapon amassment. You know, to nuke Lalu Prasad Yadav when he so much as opens his mouth.

FOR TAXES

No taxes for anyone! Instead, the government will give away free cash. Sure, that’ll throw the economy out of whack, but who even tries to understand the economy nowadays?

FOR RAKHI SAWANT

Another effective use of the nuclear programme.

FOR THE ECONOMY

This is a toughie. Again, I’m very uneducated about how the economy works, so along with the free cash, I’ll let all civilians hire my friend, who has a Postgraduate degree in M.A. Economics, for a

subsidized rate.

Vote for justice.

Vote for development.

Vote for randomness and incurable insanity.

Vote for P.I.M.M.

Note:

If you can’t stand a joke, that's so not my fault.

I don't really own rights for half of those pictures. Except for the first logo. That's totally mine :)

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North Korea Fires Rocket

A nuclear cloud, you say? No, North Korea said they were
just Chinese crackers.

What? You want me to be surprised? C'mon! We all knew this day would come...

I really don't feel like reporting anything, considering how long this whole 'North Korea is a defiant idiot' history is and my comments have run dry by now. So in quick words:

• NK fired a long-distance rocket, named Taepodong-2.
• It has a range of an approximate, and very sweet, 6000km
  
• Fired off NK's east coast, 15 seconds past 11:30 am local time.
• EVERYONE condemns it. Pranab Mukherjee, our "Minister" for External Affair, gives his two cents on the topic.
  
• NK claims it was supposed to be a satellite.
• US says in response, "Yeah, right!"
• Major repercussions. Or so says Obama. We all know by now that he's just a talker.

We all know what's going to happen next, don't we? NK will apologize, US will attempt to infiltrate its government, people will be caught and killed for 'spying', homeless people from all over the world will stand outside embassies and hold protests for God knows what, NK will apologize again, everyone will accept it and go back to their own bumbling governments and economies, all will be right in the world again except for said governments and economies, attention will be diverted back to Iraq/Afghanistan for a few months and NK will secretly start amassing nuclear weapons again.

If I, a juvenile, can predict this, why can't the world leaders?
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Terrorists are Planning to Disrupt Elections in J&K

A terrorist? No way! I'm just role-playing that Cobra
character from the G.I. Joe cartoons...

Really?!

So the J&K area is actually *gasp* prone to terrorist attacks? Wait, what? You're saying there have been attacks before?! No! Seriously? Truly? WTF? What else is the government hiding from us? I DEMAND ANSWERS!


On a more serious note, the Union government has apparently ordered 3-tier security in Jammu and Kashmir for civilians and politicians alike. There are reports that some 400 LeT trained terrorists were waiting to tip-to into India and disrupt the upcoming General Elections.

So the government is saying that they've sent protection and we shouldn't worry about anything anymore. Yeah, man. We totally believe you.
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If Height Depicted Power...

...Michelle Obama would screw everyone, hands down.

Here's the First Lady of the US of A and our beloved Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh's wife, Gursharan Kaur, at the G-20 summit. It's cool how Ms. Obama is channeling the I-don't-give-a-shit-about-the-conservatives-who-think-I-shouldn't-wear-colour vibe. She has recently been getting smack for wearing sleeveless and brightly-coloured gowns, and frankly, all I can say is, "Ohh, pretty shoes!"


There was more WTF? news when Michelle Obama accidentally put an arm around the Queen, and touching her is forbidden by royal protocol. Oh, bull. When your son covorts with a woman who looks somewhat mangled, even after being married to the most gorgeous princess known to mankind, you shouldn't mind when people ask you to take your royalty and - *censored*

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Sharad Pawar Doesn't Own a Car

Would you just give me a minute? I think I have something in my throat...

*cough*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

*cough*

Yeah, I'm OK.

Yep. Definitely looks like a man who
walks to work everyday.

Besides this, Times of India reported that the current Union civil aviation minister Praful Patel and Pawar's daughter, Supriya Sule, don't own vehicles either. And Sushilkumar Shinde, Congress nominee from Solapur for the elections, just owns a Fiat purchased in 1974 for Rs.13,000. I really, really, really want to laugh again, but I fear if I begin now, I won't stop till sunset and probably miss the rerun show of Roadies this afternoon.


I'm guessing there was a interview or something with the Income Tax Department that prompted this declaration, even if the rest of the country knows that it's A BIG FAT GODDAMN LIE! Next there'll be a talk show held by Arnab Goswami of Times Now asking Pawar to explain this. Let me illustrate that for you:

Arnab Goswami: Blah blah blah blah (for approximately 45 minutes, while bashing the BJP and laughing at his own jokes, while the rest of the world switches channels to watch Shilpa Shukla make drama on Jhalak Dikhla Ja instead) You recently declared your assets and said that you don't own a car. Of course, as noble citizens and devoted countrymen, we totally believe everything you say. No evidence of debauchery or illegal activites exist to prove otherwise. But to reaffirm faith in your general awesomeness with the good people of the nation, what do you have to comment on the situation, which I personally believe is a pot of back-handed lies used to attack your holy grace.

Sharad Pawar: Zzzz - hmm... what? Oh, a thousand apologies, I fell asleep. Vote for me. *snooze*

AG: Poor guy. Working so hard for the benefit of the common masses. He's the Martin Luther King of India, a beacon of hope and truth in such troubled time. He enlightens us with his -

Producer: Uhh... Arnab? You have seven minutes of on-air time left and frankly, no one's watching this. Why do I fund for this shit?

AG: Whatever, bitch. We'll take our first caller now. Hello?

Caller: Hello, Arnab. I just want to ask Mr. Pawar how he thinks he'll garner votes this year when everyone knows about his underhanded schemes to dominate and overthrow democracy in his own pathetic and - *bleep*

AG: Oops. We seem to have lost our caller. No matter. In the next few minutes, we'll air the entire video of the Congress's 'Jai Ho' anthem, especially compiled for general public showcase. I hope you enjoy it and vote judiciously. Here's Arnab Goswami of Times Now saying goodbye, thank you and please, vote for the right people. I mean, the Congress. Not that I'm trying to advertise them or anything. Just that, they're good. Vote for them. Though it's your choice. That's what democracy is. Your vote is private. Vote for them. Seriously. Thanks.


God, I'd hate to be the woman who presents the news with him *shudder*
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Today's OMFG News that You Skipped Reading Because You Found the 'Twinkle Khanna Unbuttons Akshay Kumar's Jeans' News Cooler

This is more of information that an actual sarcastic, witty, funny, quippy blog entry, which are characteristic of the one I usually post. *smiles for paparazzi*

On Sunday, L.K.Advani of the BJP said that, if they come to power, he would make sure that all that black money residing in the cold, dark vaults of Swiss banks that was dumped there by eminent personalities in India who just don't feel like they want to pay the required tax on it.

If you're wondering how much money is actually in there and if it's enough to turn this issue into one that might sway votes in the elections, the estimated value of cash stored is... wait for it... $1.4 trillion.

No fake.

The Congress already dismissed the idea of opening the accounts, even though the banks are willing to allow governments to do so. US and Germany are already doing it, and there aren't even any elections going on there right now so they can garner votes. They're doing it to get enough money to pull the countries out of the current economic slump and it has been estimated that if India gets the entire amount back, it can immediately put her amongst the top five nations in the world.

So after Advani's comments and the Congress's reluctance, you tend to wonder... What is our beloved Sonia hiding? *

I'm assuming you're smart enough to figure that out on your own :)
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It Happened. It Actually Happened.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me...

So on the 31st of March, 2009, the first sign of the apocalypse that will soon hit this world (or at least, India) and render all of us dead and lined up for the final Justice call, was observed.

Still can't guess it?

Yeah, they got their Padmashrees...

Besides Rai-Bachchan and Kumar, Helen managed to grab one of those medals for her "contribution to art and cinema". Because it takes immense talent to strip-dance on a bar table.

But it's OK. When it is announced at the next Republic Day celebrations that Rakhi Sawant will be honoured with one for her incomparable contribution to drama and skin-show, this news will wane to give rise to immense anger amongst the Indian population that they didn't vote her off Nach Baliye when they should have, or all this would have never happened.


Oh, and by the way, I've lost all faith in humanity.

Good day!
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Hallelujah!

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It's raining... justice!

Or something in that regard.

So news reaches me that the Supreme Court totally torched Sanjay Dutt's butt and said he can't contest in the General Elections this year (or ever, considering how long these cases take to be processed) since he got caught playing with license-less AK-47s instead of a stethoscope and Gandhi's monkeys like Munnabhai was supposed to. Dutt was a candidate of the Samajwadi Party for the Lucknow seat in the Lok Sabha.

In a twist of Batman-like vigilante justice being handed out, the SC said that Dutt was disqualified from contesting the elections under Section 8 (3) of the Representation of People Act. The Act states that anyone with an order to spend a significant period of time in prison is rendered incapable of contesting in the elections.

It was great news, till the court labeled his father, Sunil Dutt, as an honourable politician (which I have no say in, since I never looked up his work) and squished my ego by announcing that they had to stop him from contesting because of the case against him but that he was not a 'habitual criminal' and an all-round good guy. Really, SC? Are you sure? Because if you ask me, dude seems like he's high A LOT. Not that I'm the Keeper of the Constitution or anything, but I really do feel that possession of low-grade weed in your spacious backyard is kinda a criminal offense. You might wanna look into it.

Regardless, this calls for a celebration. I'm gonna pop open a Coke and watch Lage Raho Munnabhai while continuously laughing at Dutt's face. Then I'll probably cry myself to sleep, considering Dutt is a total jerk, but still has more money than me.

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