Intro!

Ah, finally. Done with the biggest exam of my life. Yet.

Which calls for some good news: We have a new blogger on PIMM who, in his own honey-coated words, is a "certified genius and a bit of a hunk". Yeah, it's a guy.

Now why would we hire a boy (gasp) of all people? Are the Smartasses so desperate? Well, not really. He's just good at his work, and usually funny when he isn't being offensive. Just like us!

So here's introducing toon.from.hell! I'm guessing the name is a direct repercussion of all the Dragonball-Z he used to watch. And he'll be covering the election news for the rest of the day since I really need to go study for my future and stuff like that.
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A New Day. A New Kasab Piece.

So this is Ajmal Amir Kasab's mugshot gracing my blog. I can't even bring myself to make any more comments, so here's what TimesNow.tv has to say:

After a Special court in Mumbai put 86 charges against the lone surviving terrorist of the 26/11 Mumbai attacks, Mohammad Ajmal Amir Kasav, he pleaded not guilty. In an effort to manipulate the law and make Kasav escape the death penalty, Kasav's lawyer, Abbas Kazmi, said that that Kasav was not waging war on India, but was trying to liberate Kashmir by committing terror acts on Mumbai.

The court framed charges against the 35 others accused including Faheem Ansari, Sabauddin Ahmed and Kasav. Kasav has been charged with unlawful activities, arms act, customs act, explosives act, foreigners act and prevention of damage to public property act, among others.

Reacting to the trial of Kasav, senior criminal lawyer Majid Memon said that undue importance has been given to the terrorist's claim.

WTF? 86 charges and he's still pleading 'not guilty'? And most of the Acts he's charged under seem so... blah. Customs Act? Unlawful activities? Damage to public property?? Now I'm not going to claim to know much about the law, but there should be some law that sums up everything a terrorist could possibly do and kick his ass back. This is off the top of my head, but I'm thinking... "That's for blowing up our city, you bastard, now you can go burn in hell for all eternity like a truck tire" Act. Just a thought.
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So... When They Say "The Best Job in the World"...

...they totally mean it.

Southall, a British charity worker, beat over 34,000 applicants, including his final opponent, an Indian RJ Anjaan, to win a freaking $150,000 deal with Tourism Queensland to become the new caretaker of a tropical Australian island along the Great Barrier Reef.

So now not only does he get paid to promote the heritage site, he's going to living in a 30bedroom villa off the coast of Hamilton Island. A villa supplied with a private swimming pool and a buggy for travelling. Granted, he'll be stuck on the island for a while, but he gets to keep in touch with the rest of the world via a blog, and last I checked, that ain't so bad...

You'd be wondering, "why the hell is this post up here anyway? You can't really make any wisecracks on it." Well, the campaign's already made about AU$110 million in ads and publicity, so if all it takes is a post to save a bunch of natural corals that keep most of the Australian coast still bearable to live in, then who am I to argue?
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And It Just Took Five Months...

News flash --- Turns out Ajmal Amir Kasab? Not a minor, after all!

DUN DUN DUNNN.


In other news, the guy also happens to be a terrorist.

*gasp*

Who'd have thought...?
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Who Else is Hoping This is Swine Flu?

And also wishing that India runs out of TamiFlu just seconds before Karunanidhi is diagnosed with the disease? I wouldn't mind dying of a pandemic if it means I can take down some bloodthirsty politicians with me...

More from Rediff.com:

Tamil Nadu Chief Ministry and DMK chief M. Karunanidhi was on Sunday admitted to Apollo Hospital in Chennai due to high fevers, doctors said.

The 85-year-old leader was admitted to the hospital in the morning and is undergoing treatment. According to DMK sources, Karunanidhi also complained of severe back pain.

Karunanidhi, who underwent a major surgery for his back problem in February, has hit the campaign trail for the Lok Sabha elections only two days ago.

Is this guy trying to pull an MGR? MG Ramachandran (who was probably worshiped by your parents, if you're from the South) won an entire state assembly election with about twice the number of votes than Karunanidhi won, and all while he was in the hospital with a bullet in his neck. Call it sympathy votes, but the dude went on to win every election he stood in and the DMK had really no chance till he died in office. That, people, is called Charisma. And also the reason people like SRK would win if they contested
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Who'd Have the Heart to Kill That??

News has been a little slow over the last few days. I mean, it's suddenly all swine flu this and swine flu that, so I'm desperately looking for something else to write about. And then I came across this:

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's team on tigers is meeting on Monday, just a couple of days after the latest tiger crisis.

The tigers have been wiped out of the Panna Reserve. A Central team visited the Panna reserve in Madhya Pradesh and reported that there was not a single male tiger left in the park.

The high level team is warning of a new crisis - tigers in south India could be equally vulnerable.

The alarming statistics paint a grim picture of a dwindling tiger population. Just recently, two tigresses from Bandhavgarh and Kahna national parks were brought to Panna to breed with male tigers, but none were found.

"I am not denying its poaching, but we have no proof for that. If there is poaching we have to find new ways of controlling poaching," said H S Pabla, Wildlife Conservator, Madhya Pradesh.

Poaching, encroachment on tiger habitat, or simply negligence -- today in India there are just 1,400 tigers left. Just 10 years back, the number was 4,000. India's National animal is on the verge of extinction.

What the hell?? What kind of a sick bastard would want to kill something so cute, and obviously so majestic?

I mean, awwwwwww.

So tigers are scary sometimes. But everyone's seen The Lion King right? The lions that are not dark in colour or named 'Scar' tend to be good lions. They kill just for food, since they respect the Circle of Life and stuff. Granted, the movie was about a bunch of lions, but tigers are cats too and way more cooler since stripes > messy manes.

Whoa! Who'd want to even approach this beast,
let alone try killing it?

And what sort of retarded tiger reserve would buy tigresses for breeding without checking if there were any male tigers left in the first place? Do they not understand the basics of mammalian reproduction? And why are we restricting ourselves to cloning sheep and dogs when there are clearly already millions of them? Sometimes, humanity pisses me off to the extent that I wish we had remained apes.

At least that way, we'd get along with the tigers...
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Dhoni Will Now Burn in Hell

The Self-Proclaimed King of Everything, Amitabh Bachchan, was probably the one who caused the freak outbreak of swine flu all across the world, in retaliation to MS Dhoni's delayed response to his SMSs. Even Zen and the Art of Living describes that a sound life revolves around good food, sleep, exercise and morals. And the continuous appeasement of the Bachchans.

Here's the snippet from Bachchan's blog on BigAdda:

"Knowing his closeness to Dhoni, I complain to John (Abraham) about Mahi not responding to the message of greeting I had sent him on his decoration of the Padma Shri. He says he shall connect me immediately right away. I stop him. Ask him to look up at the TV - Chennai is playing Royal Rajasthan and Dhoni is very much on the field - IN SOUTH AFRICA !!

I had wished Harbhajan too on his Padma Shri and we had spoken to each other about my message to Mahi. He had ,even, graciously passed on my greetings to him. But still no response. Must have been busy. John has given me his mobile now and said he shall have a word with him on this. No sweat. So long as Dhoni keeps whacking the hell out of the opposition, I am fine."

Uhh, Mr. King? Has the fact that the Chennai Super Kings were being thrashed to their last hair completely managed to escape your attention? Maybe he was busy, I dunno, because he actually wanted to be on the field for the shitload of money he was paid. The money he got to play. Play. Not to respond to messages congratulating him for a Padma Shri he didn't want/accept since he has enough dignity and self-respect to stay away from national awards that are presented to people like Akshay Kumar and Helen for their "unparalleled contribution to cinema and the arts".

Or maybe he just anticipated their antics (below) at their polling booth on the 30th of April in Mumbai (Juhu?). I like the "don't mess with me" look that Abhishek is throwing at the cameraman. If you get rid of the shades, you could feel his eyes screaming at you, "Get me emancipated from this family NOW!!"


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Guess Who's Being a Diva?

No no. It's not Kareena Kapoor this time. But it's someone is much closer to our hearts (and by that, I refer to the cardiac-wrenching pain you get every time you see this guy in the news) - yeah, it's Ajmal Kasab again.

Till now, he followed the general trend of requesting for toothpaste, Urdu newspapers, a copy of his 11,000 page chargesheet in Urdu. And when it looked like the court was going to comply, he gave a shifty grin, tipped his cowboy hat low over his head and said in a husky voice imitating Clint Eastwood, "I'd like some Chanel perfume with that."

You know. To go with that Versace T-shirt. Brands are everything - that's the first lesson they taught in terrorist school.

More from NDTV, because even if I hate it, they still do report stuff for me to ridicule:

Day 8 into the 26/11 trial comes captured 26/11 terrorist Ajmal Qasab's wish list: Toothpaste, Urdu newspapers.. standard requests in all trials. But the most surprising one here is 'perfume'.

Says Qasab's lawyer Abbas Kazmi: "Perhaps his cell is stinking because he has to answer nature's call there."

Qasab has also asked for the money found on him when he was arrested to be transferred to a jail account for his use.

When asked by the judge what he read in Pakistan, Qasab said Nawa-e-Waqt. Qasab also wants the police to allow him to get out of his cell for a quick walk.

In a letter written to his lawyer in Urdu, he says: "The police need not worry because that verandah is closed on all 4 sides. That is why I should be allowed to walk for some time. Staying in one room I might develop some psychological problems and things should not go out of hand."

All I can say is: I hate those human rights activists. What happened to those days when we could just hang a guy from a tree under suspicions that he was a pirate or a traitor or something? We should bring those ideals back. Sure, it'll throw democracy out of the window, but hey, our preamble says we're already secular and socialist, so who are we to deny the constitution, right?

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I'd Kill for his Job

It's been some 100-odd days since a black dude became the "leader" of the "free world" and the most Barack Obama has done is condemn a couple of Arab countries for a whole bunch of crap. That, and adopting a dog. And posing for magazines. If that doesn't convince kids to join politics, what else would?

Anywho, from NDTV - snippets of Obama speech on the 100th-day anniversary of his appointment into the freaking White House:

In an extraordinary censure of the civilian government of Pakistan, US President Barack Obama on Thursday described it as "very fragile" and not seeming to have the capacity to deliver even basic services to its people.

As a consequence, it is very difficult for the government to gain the support and the loyalty of the people, Obama said in unusual remarks.

"I'm more concerned that the civilian government there right now is very fragile and don't seem to have the capacity to deliver basic services -- schools, health care, rule of law, a judicial system that works for the majority of the people," Obama said in a prime-time news conference marking the 100-day of his presidency.

Pakistan's government is fragile? Schools, health care and enforcement of law are basic services? And it took months of speculation and internet geek-wars between McCain and Obama supporters and the biggest inauguration ceremony ever to get to this conclusion? My brother would have told you the same thing, and he's twelve.

I can't believe I'm saying this --- but Chidambaram would be better any day.

*retch*

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Didn't Expect This

While the actual team members are having their perfectly proportioned backsides kicked, the rest of Team KKR doesn't seem to be doing all that well either. Remember that dreadful "reality" show where SRK picked a bunch of overtly peppy schoolgirls with the promise of their fifteen minutes of obviously well-deserved fame? Yeah, turns out they can't really have those fifteen minutes after all.

Nothing is going right for SRK. Not only is his IPL team Kolkatta Knight Riders facing one humiliating defeat after another, now he has to send back the cheerleaders who had been selected to encourage his team during matches.

Sourav Ganguly and a team of judges had zeroed in on six girls who would travel with the team to South Africa and be the cheerleaders for KKR. This selection was done through a reality TV show on NDTV Imagine called Knights and Angels. Therefore, Sanna, Samyukta, Ritika, Ananya, Sunanda and Rupali went all the way to Cape Town, hoping to show off their talent to the entire world. But like everyone associated with KKR they were in for disappointment.

Reports say that security personnel disallowed any outsiders to be on the field, and as a result, only South African girls could be cheerleaders for the tournament. It is reported that SRK tried every possible maneuver to get these girls their due, but all attempts failed. Now that KKR's fate in the IPL looks shaky, the girls are being sent back home.

To make things worse, it seems there might be some payment issues involved and the contract these girls signed may also be null and void.

The only consolation was that the girls got to share SRK's VIP box to watch the matches. But after weeks of grueling routines and competition, this isn't very much.

Hold the phone! Ganguly was present at this jig? Why wasn't he practicing with the rest of his team? Was this his own form of personal revenge for not being chosen as the sole captain? Is KKR losing because of some conspiracy on his part? Has he changed his spectacles yet? 'Cause I though being a famous cricketer and all helped speed along the income generation. So why no contacts, Saurav? Too many questions, too few PR people.

P.S. This article had some 20-odd spelling errors. You'd think NDTV could afford a document software with a spell checker...
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