Am I Straight or Gay?

Have you ever woken up one morning and questioned your sexual orientation? No, neither have I. But Rediff seems to think there are loads of people out there who are greatly confused over whether they are straight, gay or just a usual pervert. It's supposed to be a quiz for guys, but hey! Women have equal rights to ponder over whether they want to wake up every morning with a man or a another woman. But let's keep gender discrimination for another day.

Here we go!

1) Which of these sports would you or do you play?

* Cricket
* Ballet
* Tennis
* Boxing

My Answer: I picked ballet. Nothing like a classical dance workout to soothe your muscles, right?

2) Were you popular amongst girls or guys in your student life?

* Girls
* Guys
* Never really thought about it
* More or less equal

My Answer: Frankly I never thought about the whole thing. For the first 10 years of my schooling, I was in an all-girls school. I was also a bit of a bitch, so neither girls (nor guys) really liked me that much. In all fairness, I was a lonely freak. So I picked the third option.

3) Which profession would you prefer?

* Fashion Designing
* Automobile Mechanic
* Nurse
* Electrician

My Answer: Nothing says 'macho manliness' like being an automobile mechanic. Then again, not all mechanics have the body frame of John Abraham. So I picked Nurse. Figured, if I ended up as gay, might as well help someone along the way.

4) Which of these colours do you prefer?

* Pink
* Blue
* Orange
* Purple

My Answer: Very duh answer. Why do they even ask?

5) When you were a child, did you ever play with toys geared toward the opposite sex?

* Yes, all the time
* Mostly
* Sometimes
* No

My Answer: Well, I wanted to expand my toy range, but my mom refused to buy me those simulation bazookas.

6) When out in public, who are you looking at as you walk around?

* Same sex
* Opposite sex
* Same sex (but for their clothes)
* Everyone, I'm an observer

My Answer: Of course, I look at other people of my sex! I'm an Indian, I'm designed to stare at passerbys of my gender.

7) Random question...athletes on teams slapping each others' asses when they get off the field, queer? Or just friendly sportsmanship?

* Duh! It's friendly, none of that gay stuff!
* Just shows how gave football players are
* Eh, some of those guys are questionable
* A little weird, but innocent none-the-less

My Answer: It's not gay! They're just being buddies! What, just so you see guys being friendly with each other, it's gay? If two sexually-frustrated cowboys on a mountain rage show their mutual respect and love to each other, it that-? Oh. Wait.

8) Have you ever had a crush on someone of the same sex?

* Yes, my girlfriend and I rated hot men together
* Are you mad?
* Uh, I don't think so
* No

My Answer: Well, I don't really have a girlfriend. I don't even have a boyfriend right now, but I'm not desperate enough to change my sexuality over the immense rejection. Never-the-less, the first option was the only thing viable. Otherwise I come off as a major homophobic.

9) At a party, slightly drunk, have you ever approached/made a pass at someone of the same sex?

* Once, when I was challenged to do so by my friends
* I can never remember what I when I'm drunk
* Yes
* No

My Answer: What? Don't judge me!

10) Have you ever fantasized about people of the same sex?

* Yes
* At times
* Not really
* No

My Answer: I used to have a crush on Ranbir Kapoor till someone told me he's a girl. Does that count?

11) Would you like it if a person of the same sex was attracted to you?Yes

* Yes
* No

My Answer: I want to be envied, OK?

12) Have you changed the answers to any of the questions to appear straighter?

* Yes
* How did you know that?
* Yes, just once
* Nope

My Answer: Busted!

13) Really?

* Yes
* No
* Maybe
* Uh...

My Answer: I have no idea what they're trying to ask me here...


THE VERDICT: "You are gay! If that's not news to you, great -- if it is, better think of exploring the world outside your closet! Good luck!"

See? If you can manipulate Rediff's quizzes, there's nothing you can't do! Now I'm off to take over the world by spreading the terminal disease called homophobia. It really works!
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North Korea Fires Rocket

A nuclear cloud, you say? No, North Korea said they were
just Chinese crackers.

What? You want me to be surprised? C'mon! We all knew this day would come...

I really don't feel like reporting anything, considering how long this whole 'North Korea is a defiant idiot' history is and my comments have run dry by now. So in quick words:

• NK fired a long-distance rocket, named Taepodong-2.
• It has a range of an approximate, and very sweet, 6000km
  
• Fired off NK's east coast, 15 seconds past 11:30 am local time.
• EVERYONE condemns it. Pranab Mukherjee, our "Minister" for External Affair, gives his two cents on the topic.
  
• NK claims it was supposed to be a satellite.
• US says in response, "Yeah, right!"
• Major repercussions. Or so says Obama. We all know by now that he's just a talker.

We all know what's going to happen next, don't we? NK will apologize, US will attempt to infiltrate its government, people will be caught and killed for 'spying', homeless people from all over the world will stand outside embassies and hold protests for God knows what, NK will apologize again, everyone will accept it and go back to their own bumbling governments and economies, all will be right in the world again except for said governments and economies, attention will be diverted back to Iraq/Afghanistan for a few months and NK will secretly start amassing nuclear weapons again.

If I, a juvenile, can predict this, why can't the world leaders?
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Whoa!

Recently, a global HR consultancy, Mercer, conducted a survey and pronounced Mumbai and Delhi as two amongst the world's top ten most expensive cities. They were voted 4th and 8th respectively, while Moscow and Tokyo took the first two positions.

Mumbai and Delhi were previously in the 5th and 6th position respectively.


Now this isn't even news to me. It may be to YOU since you hardly care how much cash you spend for your own self-righteous wants. Is that a new Prada overcoat? How much did that set you back by? 2.5 lakhs, you say? Why do you need a coat for in the first place; it's like a million degrees out here in Mumbai. Doesn't your bloody conscience prick you? Not even a little bit?

Meanwhile, I was detained by the traffic police today for picking a fight with an auto-rickshawwala over Rs.15.
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A Sequel to Jaane Tu Ya Jaane Na

Our emotions exactly, Imran.

In the WTF? news for the day, Abbas Tyrewala, the director of JTYJA, announced that there may/may not be a sequel to the movie.

And I haven't even gotten to the best part...

Seems like little Jai and Aditi are all grown up in this one, and have *cough* marital issues *cough*. I get it, Jai. Your secret's safe with me. Wink.

So turns out, the lonely and depressed Jai ends up drinking and having a one night stand, which is pretty much the stupidest thing he could do. I mean, have you seen the girl? She literally scratched off that guy's cheek in the first movie. What's to say she won't aim a kick at Jai's nether regions, now? Just a thought.


As ridiculous as the plot line is, Bollywood is known to milk everything out of a successful flick. So if Meow and Rats are up in a courtroom, pleading for divorce on the grounds of infidelity, by October, I wouldn't be all that surprised.
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Terrorists are Planning to Disrupt Elections in J&K

A terrorist? No way! I'm just role-playing that Cobra
character from the G.I. Joe cartoons...

Really?!

So the J&K area is actually *gasp* prone to terrorist attacks? Wait, what? You're saying there have been attacks before?! No! Seriously? Truly? WTF? What else is the government hiding from us? I DEMAND ANSWERS!


On a more serious note, the Union government has apparently ordered 3-tier security in Jammu and Kashmir for civilians and politicians alike. There are reports that some 400 LeT trained terrorists were waiting to tip-to into India and disrupt the upcoming General Elections.

So the government is saying that they've sent protection and we shouldn't worry about anything anymore. Yeah, man. We totally believe you.
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Give it a Rest!

Since everyone who is on the verge of insanity has been publicly condemning this shit, I figured I should probably censor the image to prevent future lawsuits or something. So around the naughty bits, there is a strategically placed picture of a very disapproving R.R. Patil.

Akshay Kumar took a serious transition from the khiladi to a cheap stripper (who wears Levi's...?) at the Lakme Fashion Week in Mumbai recently. Needless to say, everyone from Anil Nair (who is this guy?) and the Dalai Lama (no, I'm just messing with you) are speaking out against this incident. Look, the guy's marriage is probably on the rocks or something, and there's nothing like a good PR stunt with your wife to get back into the tabloid's good graces. And the tagline for the clothing line he's endorsing is 'Live Unbuttoned', so if he doesn't do any obvious unbuttoning and/or shedding of clothes, there really is no point of Levi's hiring him in the first place, is there?

Besides, he looks reasonably hot for a dude in his 40s.
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Kareena Kapoor's Dress Cost Rs. 8 lakhs. I'm Not Even Trying to Joke Here

OK, that's not the dress. But you can bet it'll be something like this. Or it'll probably be strapless, backless and only reaching her mid-thighs, at which point we should all be yelling, "8 lakhs for a dress that's made from a half-metre piece of cloth?!"

The dress was apparently made for her spot-on portrayal of a supermodel in her new movie, Kambakht Ishq. See, honey, supermodels are a thing of the past. When your arch rival played a similar character in another movie and garnered critical acclaim for it, it looks pretty darn pathetic when you copy her full on. Especially since this is also an Akshay Kumar movie, and you can bet your life that you won't be on screen for more than 12 minutes. For clarifications, refer to Katrina Kaif.

Oh, and one more thing that might just put you over the edge: She got to keep the dress.
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If Height Depicted Power...

...Michelle Obama would screw everyone, hands down.

Here's the First Lady of the US of A and our beloved Prime Minister, Manmohan Singh's wife, Gursharan Kaur, at the G-20 summit. It's cool how Ms. Obama is channeling the I-don't-give-a-shit-about-the-conservatives-who-think-I-shouldn't-wear-colour vibe. She has recently been getting smack for wearing sleeveless and brightly-coloured gowns, and frankly, all I can say is, "Ohh, pretty shoes!"


There was more WTF? news when Michelle Obama accidentally put an arm around the Queen, and touching her is forbidden by royal protocol. Oh, bull. When your son covorts with a woman who looks somewhat mangled, even after being married to the most gorgeous princess known to mankind, you shouldn't mind when people ask you to take your royalty and - *censored*

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Sharad Pawar Doesn't Own a Car

Would you just give me a minute? I think I have something in my throat...

*cough*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

*cough*

Yeah, I'm OK.

Yep. Definitely looks like a man who
walks to work everyday.

Besides this, Times of India reported that the current Union civil aviation minister Praful Patel and Pawar's daughter, Supriya Sule, don't own vehicles either. And Sushilkumar Shinde, Congress nominee from Solapur for the elections, just owns a Fiat purchased in 1974 for Rs.13,000. I really, really, really want to laugh again, but I fear if I begin now, I won't stop till sunset and probably miss the rerun show of Roadies this afternoon.


I'm guessing there was a interview or something with the Income Tax Department that prompted this declaration, even if the rest of the country knows that it's A BIG FAT GODDAMN LIE! Next there'll be a talk show held by Arnab Goswami of Times Now asking Pawar to explain this. Let me illustrate that for you:

Arnab Goswami: Blah blah blah blah (for approximately 45 minutes, while bashing the BJP and laughing at his own jokes, while the rest of the world switches channels to watch Shilpa Shukla make drama on Jhalak Dikhla Ja instead) You recently declared your assets and said that you don't own a car. Of course, as noble citizens and devoted countrymen, we totally believe everything you say. No evidence of debauchery or illegal activites exist to prove otherwise. But to reaffirm faith in your general awesomeness with the good people of the nation, what do you have to comment on the situation, which I personally believe is a pot of back-handed lies used to attack your holy grace.

Sharad Pawar: Zzzz - hmm... what? Oh, a thousand apologies, I fell asleep. Vote for me. *snooze*

AG: Poor guy. Working so hard for the benefit of the common masses. He's the Martin Luther King of India, a beacon of hope and truth in such troubled time. He enlightens us with his -

Producer: Uhh... Arnab? You have seven minutes of on-air time left and frankly, no one's watching this. Why do I fund for this shit?

AG: Whatever, bitch. We'll take our first caller now. Hello?

Caller: Hello, Arnab. I just want to ask Mr. Pawar how he thinks he'll garner votes this year when everyone knows about his underhanded schemes to dominate and overthrow democracy in his own pathetic and - *bleep*

AG: Oops. We seem to have lost our caller. No matter. In the next few minutes, we'll air the entire video of the Congress's 'Jai Ho' anthem, especially compiled for general public showcase. I hope you enjoy it and vote judiciously. Here's Arnab Goswami of Times Now saying goodbye, thank you and please, vote for the right people. I mean, the Congress. Not that I'm trying to advertise them or anything. Just that, they're good. Vote for them. Though it's your choice. That's what democracy is. Your vote is private. Vote for them. Seriously. Thanks.


God, I'd hate to be the woman who presents the news with him *shudder*
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Today's OMFG News that You Skipped Reading Because You Found the 'Twinkle Khanna Unbuttons Akshay Kumar's Jeans' News Cooler

This is more of information that an actual sarcastic, witty, funny, quippy blog entry, which are characteristic of the one I usually post. *smiles for paparazzi*

On Sunday, L.K.Advani of the BJP said that, if they come to power, he would make sure that all that black money residing in the cold, dark vaults of Swiss banks that was dumped there by eminent personalities in India who just don't feel like they want to pay the required tax on it.

If you're wondering how much money is actually in there and if it's enough to turn this issue into one that might sway votes in the elections, the estimated value of cash stored is... wait for it... $1.4 trillion.

No fake.

The Congress already dismissed the idea of opening the accounts, even though the banks are willing to allow governments to do so. US and Germany are already doing it, and there aren't even any elections going on there right now so they can garner votes. They're doing it to get enough money to pull the countries out of the current economic slump and it has been estimated that if India gets the entire amount back, it can immediately put her amongst the top five nations in the world.

So after Advani's comments and the Congress's reluctance, you tend to wonder... What is our beloved Sonia hiding? *

I'm assuming you're smart enough to figure that out on your own :)
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