The Talkies, My Way - Fashion

My ass was so bored today that I ended up watching Fashion for like the fourth time. The first time, I found it pretty damn good, the second time was reasonably well-off and the third was slightly painful. And today's screening just further proved the already established fact that I have a very low tolerance level for bullshit.

So like any other pseudo-blogger, I figured I'd write about it and unite all beings against the forces responsible for Priyanka Chopra's botched lip enhancement surgery.

FASHION --- THE TRUTHFUL VERSION

SCENE - Meghna's home

MEGHNA:
I wanna be a model, daddy! I wanna go to Mumbai and pose in
skimpy clothes!

DAD:
Bah. It's your life to ruin.

...

SCENE - Cafe Coffee Day

MEGHNA:
Oh, stereotypically gay asst. designer no one knows or cares about!
I hardly have any money for a good photoshoot, even if I can afford to
consume Rs.500 worth coffee and brownies every day from the
ricidulously expensive Cafe Coffee Day!

STEREOTYPICALLY GAY ASST. DESIGNER:
Will you do a lingerie ad?

MEGHNA:
Oh, no! I have principles to follow, even if I seem like a hypocrite
considering my dresses are so short you can see my bum and I
have an adulterous affair with my married boss.

STEREOTYPICALLY GAY ASST. DESIGNER:
They'll pay you.

MEGHNA:
OK.

...

SCENE - Meghna's First Show as a Viewer

RAHUL ARORA:
Hello! I'm another stereotypically gay designer who'll be in this
movie purely for Madhur Bandharkar to showcase how
homosexuals are discriminated against, even though he's
already done it in so many of his previous movies.

AUDIENCE:
BOO! We've been here for an hour and we still haven't seen
any of those sex scenes the director promised us!

...

SCENE - Interview

CASTING PERSON WHOSE NAME I CAN NEVER REMEMBER:
So, you want to be a model?

MEGHNA:
No, I want to be a supermodel... Haven't you seen ANY of the promo videos on MTV?!

...

SCENE - Ramp

MEGHNA:
Look at me! I'm a big model now and currently in a relationship with
a minor character who will be conveniently eliminated in a few
minutes to focus entirely on me and my disgusting
swollen upper lip.

HANDLER:
Shonali, we're ready for your showstopping walk.

SHONALI:
(Arms flailing wildly)
You b*stard! Go away, don't interrupt me when I'm cutting lines!
And while you're at it, grab a drink which is 80% alcohol by volume.

MEGHNA:
Man, I hope I don't become like her.

AUDIENCE:
See that? That is an obvious Bhandarkar ploy to slyly suggest that
she is, in fact, going to go the way of that other model with the
flat chest.

SHONALI:
Don't hit out at me. I've been typecasted into roles which involve
me being drunk, high, hungover or a combination of all
of these in all my movies.
And I usually die in the end.
You b*stard!

...

SCENE - Penache Launch of Meghna

MEGHNA:
I can't believe I'm the face of Penache!

MEGHNA'S BOSS:
I can't believe I'm gonna nail that hot piece!

MEGHNA'S BOSS'S WIFE:
I can't believe I'm with this cheating guy just for the money!

ARJUN BAJRA:
I can't believe I'm going to be stuck as That Guy Who Priyanka
Chopra Dumped In That Movie Based On Realistic Themes!

JANET:
I can't believe they're making me marry a gay dude!

SHONALI:
You b*astard!

...

SCENE - At some hotel, lawn, verandah, bathroom.

A dozen or so fashion shows occur which are completely redundant
in terms of the plot, making viewers wonder whether the shameless
skin show is basically there to cover up the lack-lustre script and
garner ticket sales from pre-pubescent, sexually-frustrated
teenage boys.

...

SCENE - Random venues.

MEGHNA:
I'm a total bitch now and I can't recognize myself in the mirror.
Moreover, I'm very lax with using contraceptive measures,
as is my married boyfriend, and am retarded enough to not
read the fine print in my contract. I also celebrate my first
abortion by consuming vodka shots, driving drunk and
vomiting (figuratively)on my boss-boyfriend's wife.

CASTING PERSON WHOSE NAME I CAN NEVER REMEMBER:
We're firing you and replacing you with a younger, hotter model
who has a non-M&M-shaped nose.

MEGHNA:
Well, I never expected that, what with my ugly and exbarrassing
behaviour over the last few days. Let me now go to a nightclub and
use my fake nails to sniff contraband drugs.

...

SCENE - Back home

MEGHNA:
Daddy, I can't go back. I'm scared.

DAD:
You've stayed here for a year, mooching off of your parents.
Pension doesn't grow on trees, you know!

...

SCENE - Streets

MEGHNA:
Shonali! Why are you lying on the street and sniffing
talcum powder?

SHONALI:
'Cause after my wardrobe malfunction on the ramp, I realised
that no TV channel broadcasted the footage since no one
cares about fashion in such distressing economic times.
And I'm also out of coke.
You b*stard!

MEGHNA:
This is a good chance for me to prove to the audience that
I've turned over a new leaf. I'll take care of Shonali and start
wearing more conservative clothes.

AUDIENCE:
Oh, man! Might as well leave this snooze-fest now.

...

SCENE - Fashion Show
(Just before Meghna's showstopper walk)

POLICE DUDE:
Uhh... That wild-haired girl from Gangster died of overdose.

MEGHNA:
That is bad news!
(momentary lapse of time)
I'm over it. Time to strut my stuff!

GHOST OF SHONALI WHICH WILL LATER HAUNT US IN RAAZ:
You b*stard!

...........................

Ah. That was fun. :)

share on: facebook