Screw You, Meteorological Department of India

While cyclone Alia continues to wreck havoc across the Bay of Bengal border, taking hundreds of lives in the last week, Mumbai and the rest of Maharashtra is left in waiting for a monsoon that was supposed to start about a fortnight ago.

Because, seriously, the heat is freaking KILLING ME.

The Meteorological Department of India (which is never right, by the way) claims this extended summer will last till mid-June or so, and we should all just accept it and be cool about it.

Be cool about it? Really? Is this the appropriate time for word-play jokes?

Let's review how my last three weeks have gone by with the personification of my inner voice, yeah?


May 10th - Damn, it's hot. Time to rev up the air conditioner for a couple of hours.

May 12th - Whoa! A Rs.10,000 electricity bill... Either the board is playing a cruel joke, or global warming is.

May 15th - A couple of week left... A couple of weeks left...

May 17th - Looking up rain dances online.

May 18th - Application of said rain dance.

May 18th (a little later) - EPIC FAIL.

May 19th - Tending to blisters on feet caused by dancing like a lunatic on the concrete flooring of my colony's parking lot, at noon.

May 22th - The onset of pre-monsoon showers. And by that I mean a sprinkling of water that give us immense hope but is actually a big middle finger by Earth in response to human-triggered increased carbon emissions.

May 24th - Meteorological Dept. asks us to wait till June...........................

May 26th - The elections are done with, right? Who cares if civilians don't get 24/7 electricity supply anymore?

May 27th - Apparently it's raining in Bangalore... *books tickets*

May 28th - Hanging out in malls in sheer desperation.

May 28th - (fifteen minutes later) Barely survived the 10 minute autorickshaw ride from home to the mall.

May 29th - The sun shines with a new vengeance (could also be the name of a Jackie Chan movie).

May 30th - Parched throats. Dry tongues. Burning eyes (contact lens don't help). An anvil on my head. Every pore on my body on fire (and not in a good way). This sucks.

Today - OMFG I NEED RAIN!!!!1!!


-terminated-
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Zoozoos - Are They Us?

You can't not love them - they're adorable, impish, unintentionally funny and they make for good conversation over dinner. Plus, there are those scenes with the crocodile that just crack me up. All-in-all, a very bittersweet farewell to the pug that generally graces Vodafone ads.

But here's the big question: Are Zoozoos a metaphor for... Indians?

Now I don't want to go all stereotypical and (sorta) racist here, but I'd like to point out some things that may make Zoozoos more Indian than you think:

[Let's do the case study thing again. It makes me feel like a professional]


Case Study 1 - Appearance

1. Wide hips? Check.
2. Dazed expression? Check.
3. A tie, therefore denoting a white-collar job in front of a computer screen? Check.
4. Grey atmosphere spelling depression? Check.

Case Study 2: Nature

1. Loves cricket even if they don't comprehend it.

2. Waaaaaaay to inquisitive/nosy for their own good.

3. Priorities not set straight.

Case Study 3: Likes

1. Dealt with under Nature, but again, likes cricket a lot.
2. Also adores attention.
3. Media loves covering said irrelevant attention.

*Gasp* My speculation was totally correct! Why those yellow-bellied, underhanded crooks! I swear on Shahid Kapoor's career, if Vodafone isn't playing a cruel joke by mocking us, I'll -

I mean, I'll definitely go and -

What I mean to say is that Vodafone's lawyers better -

...
...
...

Oh, screw it. I love Zoozoos :)
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MTV India - I'm Shamed (Note: It Sucks)

There was a time when MTV was the up-and-coming youth oriented TV channel in India. They had relevant material, funny sketches, good Veejays that devoted their efforts towards actually making the channel one worth watching. Considering how the only other shows that teens could watch revolved around the 24-7 screening of recent Bollywood songs and/or Cartoon Network, MTV India was a huge breath of fresh air.

Then the era of the reality shows came in and sucked all the fun out of it.


Case Study 1: Skits on MTV

During a nicer time

They play this in the corner of hell where people who are guilty
of treason to their country are kept

Case Study 2: MTV Bakra

When famous people could afford to be on Bakra
without humiliating themselves

Bakra on Jose? Are we that desperate, Cyrus?

Case Study 3: "Let's Relate to Teens"
Back then: MTV Super Select with VJ Nikhil, who picked film celebrities as well as eminent personalities on his interviews
Right now: Splitsvilla, Wassup and the Tickr... need I say more?


Case Study 4: OK, I can't do this anymore *sigh*


Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Why does she have to ruin everything for us, can't she just watch something else?" I would, except I'm really not up for watching Hard Kaur attempt to dance for Saroj Khan, who should have retired from the scene when she hit 80. Or for catching Bigg Boss (two g's? Really?). Or watching Karan Arjun over and over again on Set Max.

I'll just go chuck my TV out now.
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BRC-Rap

OK so now that the elections are over and the results have been announced, things are back to normal.

Crime rate is again going back up, Police personals are disappearing faster than you can sneeze, “ thief!” . But most importantly, the water and electricity supply is back to normal.

That is, their hitherto very disturbing and frankly scary continuous supply has been withdrawn and normality has been ensured. When the water taps had gotten more used to gathering dust or - when in the mood ­- supplying a trickle of water, the feel of having an ever present supply of water was very peculiar, to say the least.

So in our very best interests, the Bearded Raincloud (henceforth BRC), the thoroughly incompetent and sadly incumbent CM of my state has decided for a course correction and has deployed his minions to block the water supply and only allow a trickle to pass through. Only those areas shall receive sufficient amount of water supply where the people sing the praises of the BRC (weekly, mind you) and where they actually voted for the candidates of his party. But since his party’s state is now akin to that of a pounded and minced piece of beef throughout the sate, the whole state- insofar as I know- has been plagued by the supply -or the lack - of water.

Much to our sorrow though, the trails of water are nothing compared to the punishing trial imposed on the helpless citizen by the randomness of the electricity supply.

There once used to be a time when the electricity was 24x7 and there was no such thing as voltage fluctuation. I am of course referring to the pre-election period -and not to some bygone era- but ever since the decimation of BRC’s party (By the way, please feel free to make evil and funny full forms of the acronyms) he has decided to use most of the state’s power supply to power up the battery of his chainsaw which he shall use to turn himself into URC (Unbearded Raincloud).

Seriously though, is this how things shall be? Yes of course, for this is how it has been going on since god knows when. Is this how vindictive and pathetically petty a person can get? Someone who has been voted into power for the benefit of the people has been trusted with the power to work for their well being should not be such a moronic imbecile.

Someone should knock into his old age addled and well-padded mind that a government is by the people, of the people, FOR the people. So until I am able to find a stick big enough to stick up his well kissed arse and make him do his work properly (and get away with doing it too) I shall keep hoping that my brand of abuse and moralistic rhetoric shall somehow penetrate into his bubble and prickly( or at least tickle) his conscience awake.

Untill tomorrow people.

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Sorry.

In order to prevent Boss from giving someone a supari in my name( I hear that there are a lot of those kind of people there who do this kind of work), I shall apologize for not posting for I had been busy, collecting material and procrastinating.

Hence I would like to assure you people that the next few posts shall be good and they shall be on time.

I hope.

Untill tomorrow.
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China : Smoke or Bust

In what is possibly the saddest method used to improve a shaky economy, the Chinese government has ordered officials to smoke some 250,000 packs of cigarettes every year or be forced to pay a fine, says News.com

The idea is to boost the popularity of a local cigarette brand called Huanghelou, which is facing competition from other brands, while also obtaining funds via the cigarette tax. Catch is, if the targets are not met within a year, they'll start fining people for it.

Sometimes, I think the Chinese government has it right, what with the amazing job they did with the 2008 Beijing Olympics, and then I see bytes like this and any nice opinion just flies out of the window.

Then again, I totally get what they're trying to do here. The article does say that about one million people die every year in China due to smoking. So by encouraging this, China not only gets dough, but kinda helps reign in its population as well. As far as population control methods go, you can't beat this one.
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Salman Khan : Will Vote for Money

Local badboy and consistent hypocrite, Salman Khan, who campaigned extensively for a bunch of parties at the same time (which makes you question his sanity anyway) pulled a really really really really really, and I can't stress this enough, really stupid pseudo-PR stunt that he supposed would relate him to the common masses - yeah, he made excuses for not voting.

Quiz Sallu about the reason he did not vote, he says, “It was not possible for me to take a flight from London to show that I voted.”

When he is given the example of his colleagues SRK and Aamir who made it a point fly from foreign locations just to vote, he said, “They have the time and money to do so which I do not have.”

So is voting not an important issue for Salman? he says, “The Government should make voting mandatory by punishing people who don’t do so and giving incentives to citizens to vote. I would come for that extra money.”

I like how he said he has no money. Firstly, it gives those people roaming around Mumbai for decades together a reason to not join Bollywood - it pays zilch. Then there's the fact that continuously being around vapid, underweight actresses gives you a sense of superiority that makes you look like a douche. And, finally, because I had to say it, gives men a reason not to get their ears pierced...
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Issues That Didn't Matter in the Election '09

I stumbled cross this bulletin article on India-forums on the writer's take on the "Eight Issues That Didn't Matter in Campaign 2009" and I found that it hit home certain sides I just never thought about. Give it a read here: India-forums.com

:)

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Afghanistan's Only Pig Quarantined in Fear of Flu

RUNNNNNNNNN!!!

A few years ago, China gifted Afghanistan a little piggy for the Kabul Zoo which became somewhat of an attraction in the strict Muslim nation where pork consumption is not permitted by religion. And now the animal has been locked up in a room so as to prevent people from thinking they'll catch the H1N1 virus from a pig that has neither been in contact with others of its kind or ever flown to Mexico.

More from Reuters:

KABUL - Afghanistan's only known pig has been locked in a room, away from visitors to Kabul zoo where it normally grazes beside deer and goats, because people are worried it could infect them with the virus popularly known as swine flu.

"For now the pig is under quarantine, we built it a room because of swine influenza," Aziz Gul Saqib, director of Kabul Zoo, told Reuters. "We've done this because people are worried about getting the flu."

Worldwide, more than 1,000 people have been infected with the virus, according to the World Health Organization, which also says 26 people have so far died from the strain.

"We understand that, but most people don't have enough knowledge. When they see the pig in the cage they get worried and think that they could get ill," Saqib said.

Makes sense. Why educate the common masses when you can just promote the usual prejudice, something we all know is easier to deal with?

Hey, I just got that feeling. You know, the kind you get when you roll your eyes so hard, your contact lens pop out? Awesome :)
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Bytes

This is when I get too bored with the news for the day, or am too deeply engrossed in the Chennai-Kolkata match to care enough about anything else:

Byte 1:
Turns out, Prabhakaran? Really dead. Also, Tamil Nadu? Doesn't give a shit.

It's been some 24-odd hours since the news that the LTTE chief and his son were killed by the Lankan Army while attempting to escape, but there hasn't been any official news aired on ANY Tamil channel. Remember the last time the LTTE issue blew out of proportion (like a month ago) and the Tamil Nadu chief minister and self-proclaimed best buddy of Prabhakaran went on an all-out hunger strike of some six hours or so? Back then, they had that little tidbit of news of every Tamil channel that every existed, except on those belonging to his opponent. And now, his BFF gets shot to death, and no response?? Oh wait, I forgot. The elections are over.


Byte 2:
In more this-made-me spit-my-morning-coffee news, in response to the UPA's landslide victory *grumble* the sensex went kinda berseck. And by that, I mean shooting up by 2,110.79 points at 14,272.63 (17.34% up). The National Stock Exchange's Nifty shot up by 636.40 points at 4,308.05 (17.77%). And the most constructive solution to this (of course) was closing the stock market a mere minute after trading began.
I'm just worried how much this will sky-rocket again when the budget is introduced...


Byte 3:
Remember this? RR Patil's disapproving face won after all, since actor Akshay Kumar landed on Indian soil today and was immediately arrested on grounds of alleged obscene behaviour under articles 34 and 294 of the IPC. There was some obviously bored social worker at the Lakme Fashion Week who was kind enough to point out the fact that Kumar's wife unbuttoned *giggle* his jeans, even though his label tells him to do exactly that. What? He was just following what his multi-crore contract deal with Levi's was asking him to do.
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Swine Flew in !

I couldn't resist that pun. I just couldn't resist it.

Well more importantly, the Indian government has succeeded again. As if they did not already have more than their fair share of problems- plus the neighbors share and then some- beating them on their collective head, the bovine heard that administrates the whole system contrived to give the Old Budia Party a gift for their win.

*Does his best Arnab Goswami impression*

We have, ladies and Gentlemen, been able to gain entry into the lofty enclaves of those hallowed halls comprising of those countries where the Swine flu case has been reported.

Indian Express has this to say......

New Delhi:

India on Saturday confirmed its first case of swine flu (H1N1 virus) in a 23-year-old man who arrived in Hyderabad from the US. The IT student whose samples confirmed positive for H1N1 virus has been put in isolation, and his co-passengers who departed New York on May 11 (Emirates Airline EK-202), transiting Dubai (Emirates airline EK-524) were being tracked.

“We have informed Dubai and New York health authorities through the World Health Organisation (WHO) about the case and informed them to track all those he might have passed on the infection to,” Health Secretary Naresh Dayal told The Sunday Express, confirming the case.

According to the Health Ministry officials, all the passengers who travelled in the connecting flight from Dubai to Hyderabad have been identified and they were being contacted through Integrated Disease Surveillance Project. “Their health status would be monitored. These passengers are also being advised to remain under quarantine for a period of seven days,” added ministry officials.

Bravo ! I say. So they have been able to track all his co-passengers and have advised them to remain under quarantine. When was the last time an Indian person did what he was advised to do ?

Now why am I so livid with these grass-grazing goat kissers ? Well I just had the honor of gracing the new and improved Indira Gandhi International Airport. My flight arrived at around 2 45 am along with two more flights, one of which came from China( I know so because the plane had mandarin printed on it. Ha! ).

So as we move towards the immigration counter,but unfortunately( just as it mostly happens on the roads here ) there is an impediment in our way. A temporary counter has been hurriedly-and truth be told, rather shabbily- been put in our way. It contains place for at least three medical officers.

Instead, a balding, hairy and shockingly obese person sits there abusing a chair, with the face mask hanging on his ear like a fashion accessory, one hand in the folds of his shirt, scratching his chest and generally giving off the air of a pimp lording about his street.

So then we fill these forms specifying that we have not visited any of the swine flu infected countries. He didn't' tell us that though. No Sir! Thats not in his job profile. Speaking to menial people like us is just too degrading for His Baldness. We got to know that only when some of were turned away from the immigration counter for not having our forms signed by the Chief Medical Officer.

But He didn't tell us that either. He was just there to give autographs. Soon there was a very Indian commotion around him. A herd of braying people had surrounded him and were asking him to sign their forms. And like a true Showman-cum-royalty that His Arse-ness is, he was signing each and every paper being thrust in front of his enormous nose.

Now I have heard from reliable sources that bacterias and flu viruses can travel almost 1 meter through the air. There was a freaking huge number of people surrounding him containing Indians from god knows where and Chinese from some where in china. At that time, a human case had already been confirmed there. They should have been separated from the start, they should have been checked separately. But NO! His holy Arseness kept signing the papers, as in a daze and without reading any of them.

Now does that not sound as if the aforementioned bovine heard actually wants the virus to spread ? Because otherwise, we can only assume that not only do they have the intelligence level of a goo, but they are also moronic imbeciles who should be slapped ten times a day just on general principal.

Hence I shall stop frothing and venting my spleen and shall conclude that our administrators have some hidden plan. Because the other possibility is good enough to make me consider bashing some heads.

I seem to be in a violent mood.

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Prabhakaran May Have Killed Himself

Was it the mustache? Is it shaming him?

Did LTTE chief Prabhakaran pull the gun on himself? Or did he just pop a vial of cyanide, a la Hitler. Or did Hitler shoot himself in the head? Ah, whatever. Any kind of death is still too gentle for this guy.

IBN News says:

Liberation Tiger of Tamil Eelam (LTTE) chief V Prabhakaran could be dead with Sri Lankan army sources telling CNN-IBN that his body has been recovered and is being taken to an army camp in Colombo.

Sri Lankan army sources say they have recovered 150 bodies of LTTE cadres but the bodies are still being identified.

According to reports all civilians held hostage by the LTTE have now been freed from the battle zone.

The report comes even as the Lankan government announced it had captured the final stronghold of the LTTE, and that the top LTTE leadership may have committed mass suicide.

"I am proud to announce... that my government with the total commitment of our armed forces, has in an unprecedented humanitarian operation, finally defeated the LTTE militarily," said Sri Lankan President Mahinda Rajapaksa.

The Lankan army claims to have intercepted LTTE messages of mass suicide of rebel leaders.

Well, if he really is dead, Rajapaksa would confirm that little piece of news in a separate byte, considering that would be the Lankan Army's biggest victory since... ever, and the fact that announcing it would bring down international pressure on them since they at least managed to kill the dude that started all this.

But do you want to know exactly why I don't believe this? 'Cause if it was true, Karunanidhi would have called his breakfast-to-lunch hunger strike again.

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Election News - The Verdict

Well, the results are in.

And The Empress says that The Puppet shall remain King. Big surprise. Like she wanted the pressure of the job. Better to pull the strings, don't you think ?

The Also Ran finally gives in and says that he shall lead no more. I kind of pity him. Always being the second-in-command must finally have had an effect on him. Even this time, the voice of the sycophants was shriller in proclaiming the Star Campaigner. Sigh !

The expelled Saint calls the leadership of his former party "narcissist".

His exact statement was, "the party is not stronger under him (the guy who kicked him out)" and added that "narcissistic leadership will not help".

Cat fight for retirees. Nice !

The smooth shaved Newbie pulled of a coup in UP. He says he would like to join the cabinet. somebody call mummy !

The regional parties have been made to eat their words. Lalu made a great show of doing it. The posturing and preening before the elections, then having to eat the humble pie. Entertaining to watch.

The good thing for us - no fractured mandate, loss of Left, a serious chance for a party to show that it can accomplish something. At least now they won't give us the normal excuse of being hamstrung by the demands of the allies.

That's all that my DBZ hammered brain can report at this moment.

My brief for today was to report only on the election.
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Intro!

Ah, finally. Done with the biggest exam of my life. Yet.

Which calls for some good news: We have a new blogger on PIMM who, in his own honey-coated words, is a "certified genius and a bit of a hunk". Yeah, it's a guy.

Now why would we hire a boy (gasp) of all people? Are the Smartasses so desperate? Well, not really. He's just good at his work, and usually funny when he isn't being offensive. Just like us!

So here's introducing toon.from.hell! I'm guessing the name is a direct repercussion of all the Dragonball-Z he used to watch. And he'll be covering the election news for the rest of the day since I really need to go study for my future and stuff like that.
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A New Day. A New Kasab Piece.

So this is Ajmal Amir Kasab's mugshot gracing my blog. I can't even bring myself to make any more comments, so here's what TimesNow.tv has to say:

After a Special court in Mumbai put 86 charges against the lone surviving terrorist of the 26/11 Mumbai attacks, Mohammad Ajmal Amir Kasav, he pleaded not guilty. In an effort to manipulate the law and make Kasav escape the death penalty, Kasav's lawyer, Abbas Kazmi, said that that Kasav was not waging war on India, but was trying to liberate Kashmir by committing terror acts on Mumbai.

The court framed charges against the 35 others accused including Faheem Ansari, Sabauddin Ahmed and Kasav. Kasav has been charged with unlawful activities, arms act, customs act, explosives act, foreigners act and prevention of damage to public property act, among others.

Reacting to the trial of Kasav, senior criminal lawyer Majid Memon said that undue importance has been given to the terrorist's claim.

WTF? 86 charges and he's still pleading 'not guilty'? And most of the Acts he's charged under seem so... blah. Customs Act? Unlawful activities? Damage to public property?? Now I'm not going to claim to know much about the law, but there should be some law that sums up everything a terrorist could possibly do and kick his ass back. This is off the top of my head, but I'm thinking... "That's for blowing up our city, you bastard, now you can go burn in hell for all eternity like a truck tire" Act. Just a thought.
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So... When They Say "The Best Job in the World"...

...they totally mean it.

Southall, a British charity worker, beat over 34,000 applicants, including his final opponent, an Indian RJ Anjaan, to win a freaking $150,000 deal with Tourism Queensland to become the new caretaker of a tropical Australian island along the Great Barrier Reef.

So now not only does he get paid to promote the heritage site, he's going to living in a 30bedroom villa off the coast of Hamilton Island. A villa supplied with a private swimming pool and a buggy for travelling. Granted, he'll be stuck on the island for a while, but he gets to keep in touch with the rest of the world via a blog, and last I checked, that ain't so bad...

You'd be wondering, "why the hell is this post up here anyway? You can't really make any wisecracks on it." Well, the campaign's already made about AU$110 million in ads and publicity, so if all it takes is a post to save a bunch of natural corals that keep most of the Australian coast still bearable to live in, then who am I to argue?
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And It Just Took Five Months...

News flash --- Turns out Ajmal Amir Kasab? Not a minor, after all!

DUN DUN DUNNN.


In other news, the guy also happens to be a terrorist.

*gasp*

Who'd have thought...?
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Who Else is Hoping This is Swine Flu?

And also wishing that India runs out of TamiFlu just seconds before Karunanidhi is diagnosed with the disease? I wouldn't mind dying of a pandemic if it means I can take down some bloodthirsty politicians with me...

More from Rediff.com:

Tamil Nadu Chief Ministry and DMK chief M. Karunanidhi was on Sunday admitted to Apollo Hospital in Chennai due to high fevers, doctors said.

The 85-year-old leader was admitted to the hospital in the morning and is undergoing treatment. According to DMK sources, Karunanidhi also complained of severe back pain.

Karunanidhi, who underwent a major surgery for his back problem in February, has hit the campaign trail for the Lok Sabha elections only two days ago.

Is this guy trying to pull an MGR? MG Ramachandran (who was probably worshiped by your parents, if you're from the South) won an entire state assembly election with about twice the number of votes than Karunanidhi won, and all while he was in the hospital with a bullet in his neck. Call it sympathy votes, but the dude went on to win every election he stood in and the DMK had really no chance till he died in office. That, people, is called Charisma. And also the reason people like SRK would win if they contested
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Who'd Have the Heart to Kill That??

News has been a little slow over the last few days. I mean, it's suddenly all swine flu this and swine flu that, so I'm desperately looking for something else to write about. And then I came across this:

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's team on tigers is meeting on Monday, just a couple of days after the latest tiger crisis.

The tigers have been wiped out of the Panna Reserve. A Central team visited the Panna reserve in Madhya Pradesh and reported that there was not a single male tiger left in the park.

The high level team is warning of a new crisis - tigers in south India could be equally vulnerable.

The alarming statistics paint a grim picture of a dwindling tiger population. Just recently, two tigresses from Bandhavgarh and Kahna national parks were brought to Panna to breed with male tigers, but none were found.

"I am not denying its poaching, but we have no proof for that. If there is poaching we have to find new ways of controlling poaching," said H S Pabla, Wildlife Conservator, Madhya Pradesh.

Poaching, encroachment on tiger habitat, or simply negligence -- today in India there are just 1,400 tigers left. Just 10 years back, the number was 4,000. India's National animal is on the verge of extinction.

What the hell?? What kind of a sick bastard would want to kill something so cute, and obviously so majestic?

I mean, awwwwwww.

So tigers are scary sometimes. But everyone's seen The Lion King right? The lions that are not dark in colour or named 'Scar' tend to be good lions. They kill just for food, since they respect the Circle of Life and stuff. Granted, the movie was about a bunch of lions, but tigers are cats too and way more cooler since stripes > messy manes.

Whoa! Who'd want to even approach this beast,
let alone try killing it?

And what sort of retarded tiger reserve would buy tigresses for breeding without checking if there were any male tigers left in the first place? Do they not understand the basics of mammalian reproduction? And why are we restricting ourselves to cloning sheep and dogs when there are clearly already millions of them? Sometimes, humanity pisses me off to the extent that I wish we had remained apes.

At least that way, we'd get along with the tigers...
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Dhoni Will Now Burn in Hell

The Self-Proclaimed King of Everything, Amitabh Bachchan, was probably the one who caused the freak outbreak of swine flu all across the world, in retaliation to MS Dhoni's delayed response to his SMSs. Even Zen and the Art of Living describes that a sound life revolves around good food, sleep, exercise and morals. And the continuous appeasement of the Bachchans.

Here's the snippet from Bachchan's blog on BigAdda:

"Knowing his closeness to Dhoni, I complain to John (Abraham) about Mahi not responding to the message of greeting I had sent him on his decoration of the Padma Shri. He says he shall connect me immediately right away. I stop him. Ask him to look up at the TV - Chennai is playing Royal Rajasthan and Dhoni is very much on the field - IN SOUTH AFRICA !!

I had wished Harbhajan too on his Padma Shri and we had spoken to each other about my message to Mahi. He had ,even, graciously passed on my greetings to him. But still no response. Must have been busy. John has given me his mobile now and said he shall have a word with him on this. No sweat. So long as Dhoni keeps whacking the hell out of the opposition, I am fine."

Uhh, Mr. King? Has the fact that the Chennai Super Kings were being thrashed to their last hair completely managed to escape your attention? Maybe he was busy, I dunno, because he actually wanted to be on the field for the shitload of money he was paid. The money he got to play. Play. Not to respond to messages congratulating him for a Padma Shri he didn't want/accept since he has enough dignity and self-respect to stay away from national awards that are presented to people like Akshay Kumar and Helen for their "unparalleled contribution to cinema and the arts".

Or maybe he just anticipated their antics (below) at their polling booth on the 30th of April in Mumbai (Juhu?). I like the "don't mess with me" look that Abhishek is throwing at the cameraman. If you get rid of the shades, you could feel his eyes screaming at you, "Get me emancipated from this family NOW!!"


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Guess Who's Being a Diva?

No no. It's not Kareena Kapoor this time. But it's someone is much closer to our hearts (and by that, I refer to the cardiac-wrenching pain you get every time you see this guy in the news) - yeah, it's Ajmal Kasab again.

Till now, he followed the general trend of requesting for toothpaste, Urdu newspapers, a copy of his 11,000 page chargesheet in Urdu. And when it looked like the court was going to comply, he gave a shifty grin, tipped his cowboy hat low over his head and said in a husky voice imitating Clint Eastwood, "I'd like some Chanel perfume with that."

You know. To go with that Versace T-shirt. Brands are everything - that's the first lesson they taught in terrorist school.

More from NDTV, because even if I hate it, they still do report stuff for me to ridicule:

Day 8 into the 26/11 trial comes captured 26/11 terrorist Ajmal Qasab's wish list: Toothpaste, Urdu newspapers.. standard requests in all trials. But the most surprising one here is 'perfume'.

Says Qasab's lawyer Abbas Kazmi: "Perhaps his cell is stinking because he has to answer nature's call there."

Qasab has also asked for the money found on him when he was arrested to be transferred to a jail account for his use.

When asked by the judge what he read in Pakistan, Qasab said Nawa-e-Waqt. Qasab also wants the police to allow him to get out of his cell for a quick walk.

In a letter written to his lawyer in Urdu, he says: "The police need not worry because that verandah is closed on all 4 sides. That is why I should be allowed to walk for some time. Staying in one room I might develop some psychological problems and things should not go out of hand."

All I can say is: I hate those human rights activists. What happened to those days when we could just hang a guy from a tree under suspicions that he was a pirate or a traitor or something? We should bring those ideals back. Sure, it'll throw democracy out of the window, but hey, our preamble says we're already secular and socialist, so who are we to deny the constitution, right?

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I'd Kill for his Job

It's been some 100-odd days since a black dude became the "leader" of the "free world" and the most Barack Obama has done is condemn a couple of Arab countries for a whole bunch of crap. That, and adopting a dog. And posing for magazines. If that doesn't convince kids to join politics, what else would?

Anywho, from NDTV - snippets of Obama speech on the 100th-day anniversary of his appointment into the freaking White House:

In an extraordinary censure of the civilian government of Pakistan, US President Barack Obama on Thursday described it as "very fragile" and not seeming to have the capacity to deliver even basic services to its people.

As a consequence, it is very difficult for the government to gain the support and the loyalty of the people, Obama said in unusual remarks.

"I'm more concerned that the civilian government there right now is very fragile and don't seem to have the capacity to deliver basic services -- schools, health care, rule of law, a judicial system that works for the majority of the people," Obama said in a prime-time news conference marking the 100-day of his presidency.

Pakistan's government is fragile? Schools, health care and enforcement of law are basic services? And it took months of speculation and internet geek-wars between McCain and Obama supporters and the biggest inauguration ceremony ever to get to this conclusion? My brother would have told you the same thing, and he's twelve.

I can't believe I'm saying this --- but Chidambaram would be better any day.

*retch*

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Didn't Expect This

While the actual team members are having their perfectly proportioned backsides kicked, the rest of Team KKR doesn't seem to be doing all that well either. Remember that dreadful "reality" show where SRK picked a bunch of overtly peppy schoolgirls with the promise of their fifteen minutes of obviously well-deserved fame? Yeah, turns out they can't really have those fifteen minutes after all.

Nothing is going right for SRK. Not only is his IPL team Kolkatta Knight Riders facing one humiliating defeat after another, now he has to send back the cheerleaders who had been selected to encourage his team during matches.

Sourav Ganguly and a team of judges had zeroed in on six girls who would travel with the team to South Africa and be the cheerleaders for KKR. This selection was done through a reality TV show on NDTV Imagine called Knights and Angels. Therefore, Sanna, Samyukta, Ritika, Ananya, Sunanda and Rupali went all the way to Cape Town, hoping to show off their talent to the entire world. But like everyone associated with KKR they were in for disappointment.

Reports say that security personnel disallowed any outsiders to be on the field, and as a result, only South African girls could be cheerleaders for the tournament. It is reported that SRK tried every possible maneuver to get these girls their due, but all attempts failed. Now that KKR's fate in the IPL looks shaky, the girls are being sent back home.

To make things worse, it seems there might be some payment issues involved and the contract these girls signed may also be null and void.

The only consolation was that the girls got to share SRK's VIP box to watch the matches. But after weeks of grueling routines and competition, this isn't very much.

Hold the phone! Ganguly was present at this jig? Why wasn't he practicing with the rest of his team? Was this his own form of personal revenge for not being chosen as the sole captain? Is KKR losing because of some conspiracy on his part? Has he changed his spectacles yet? 'Cause I though being a famous cricketer and all helped speed along the income generation. So why no contacts, Saurav? Too many questions, too few PR people.

P.S. This article had some 20-odd spelling errors. You'd think NDTV could afford a document software with a spell checker...
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