Roger Federer married his longtime girlfriend, who he also knocked up, on Saturday in Switzerland (where else?). He announced the news on his website that he (27) and Miroslava “Mirka” Vavrinec (31) are currently prancing about in wedded bliss. Mirka used to be one of the top 100 tennis players in the world before she retired due to injury and became Federer's manager, cheerleader and partner all rolled into one.
Now, I know I'm supposed to be happy for them and their pending parenthood, but why? Why, God?! What have I ever done to you?? WHY???
From People magazine:
Roger Federer is officially off the singles market. The tennis champ announced on his Web site that he married longtime girlfriend and former WTA tennis player Miroslava “Mirka” Vavrinec in Switzerland on Saturday.
“Earlier today, in my hometown of Basel, surrounded by a small group of close friends and family, Mirka and I got married. It was a beautiful spring day and an incredibly joyous occasion,” Federer, wrote on his blog. “Mr. and Mrs. Roger Federer wish all of you a Happy Easter weekend.”
Last month, Federer, winner of 13 Grand Slam singles titles revealed that he and Mirka are expecting their first child this summer. The couple met while at the 2000 Sydney Olympics where they both represented Switzerland.
Excuse me while I go express my anguish into my pillow... .
...they come right out and surprise you all over again.
I figure my own manifesto must have influenced them so much that they decided to rip off my acute wit and intelligence. Then again, their agenda really sucks, while mine reflects our time.
A cycle. On a political party's flag. They're practically giving me bait.
The SP chief, Mulayam Singh Yadav, revealed his party's manifesto for the general elections yesterday with all this shit:
Curbing of English medium schools, and in all generality, English itself. This is probably a direct repercussion of the fact the entire party is vastly uneducated. And because they've probably took one cocaine sniff too much.
Curbing of...and hear this...COMPUTERS. They feel, and I directly quote, that "the use of computers in offices is creating unemployment problems. Our party feels that if work can be done by a person using hands there is no need to deploy machines." So he's just talking PCs, not laptops, right? Because if I get up in the morning and don't have access to coffee or the internet, I'll probably go down to Lucknow and shoot this guy in the head.
Banning of agricultural goods. 'Cause they feel the employment rate during the harvest season is declining and therefore banishment of tractors, motors and those Transformers like equipments that sow, glean, harvest and thresh crops on their own is the ideal way to go about it. At this rate, only high-profile businessmen can afford basic things like food.
Oops, too late. Apparently, they're cutting down high corporate salaries. This, in simpler words, mean more taxes. Socialist, much?
Setting up of unemployment allowance schemes for farmers and rural workers. So Mr. Yadav. There's this thing. It's called the National Rural Employment Guarantee Programme. And it works (somewhat) since it follows the policy of "if you want cash, you need to work for it." Are you going to be banning working for farmers now and just pay them free cash? That'd work well for votes, but at the end of the day, when there's no food left in India, you might end up pondering over how f-ed up this idea is, while you slowly starve to death.
Stock trading?According to them, it's just plain evil. An entire parallel economy thrives on the stock market alone for brokers, insurance people, speculators, corporates and middle men. So I have a question for Mr. Yadav. Why are people so stupid sometimes? Why?
Curbing of mall culture. Are you f-ing kidding me??!!
I'm guessing this announcement was ended with a "we'll take you forward into a new era."
There's a name for it, losers. It's called the stone age. .
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Well, every major party has a manifesto by now and I, the little rascal that I am, felt the need to join with one of said major parties (whose name I shall refrain from mentioning, to look diplomatic and all) to promote their propaganda. I’m supposing no one told them how influential I can be, since as how they kicked my pretty behind all the way to the curb. So, in form of protest, I’m contesting alone this year. Yeah, loser, revenge is a bitch. VOTE FOR P.I.M.M!
MY AGENDA
FOR EDUCATION
Let’s face it, there isn’t really much to do here. A majority of rural areas don’t have secondary schools, or even primary and middle schools, for that matter, but who cares? We, as Indians, tend to kick ass in Calculus, Accounting and IT-related junk. The only people better than us are the Chinese. But we’ll exceed their population in a couple of years, so it’s OK.
FOR THE POPULATION SURGE
Speaking of, I have the perfect solution to stop the population bazooka that we’ve nurtured. Granted, it will interfere with the EDUCATION agenda, but compromise is essential. I propose: The birthing of babies must be made illegal. It’s as simple as that. If you so much as try giving birth (and scientific evidence shows that women are known to perform this activity more often than men do) you will be shot in the head and your baby will be sent to Cambodia to work in a Levi’s warehouse. No kidding.
FOR AGRICULTURE
Wikipedia states that our staple diet is rice and wheat. Well, you know what? They’re f-ing wrong! Our staple diet is pani puris and everyone knows that.
And how best to fill those millions of hungry stomachs that India had no care for before Slumdog Millionaire? Well, we wipe away all those tea plantations in Munnar and… grow pani puri trees! Screw the Green Revolution. Pani puris represent the true Indian and his frequent bowel issues.
FOR NUCLEAR POWER
I don’t know squat about atomic energy and how it works, but I fully support the growth of the industry in energy production as well as weapon amassment. You know, to nuke Lalu Prasad Yadav when he so much as opens his mouth.
FOR TAXES
No taxes for anyone! Instead, the government will give away free cash. Sure, that’ll throw the economy out of whack, but who even tries to understand the economy nowadays?
FOR RAKHI SAWANT
Another effective use of the nuclear programme.
FOR THE ECONOMY
This is a toughie. Again, I’m very uneducated about how the economy works, so along with the free cash, I’ll let all civilians hire my friend, who has a Postgraduate degree in M.A. Economics, for a
subsidized rate.
Vote for justice.
Vote for development.
Vote for randomness and incurable insanity.
Vote for P.I.M.M.
Note:
If you can’t stand a joke, that's so not my fault.
I don't really own rights for half of those pictures. Except for the first logo. That's totally mine :)
Pack your bags, read your holy books and repent for your sins, for the Queen of All Things Emotionally Disturbing finally figured, "Hey! What's the best way to compete for screen time on TV? I know! I'll pick a douchebag husband and marry him live."
This shit will be aired on NDTV Imagine. I figured NDTV would be responsible for it...
"Welcome to Rakhi Sawant's Swayamvar. In what promises to be a first of its kind experience on television, Bollywood's hottest item girl has chosen to search for her real life-partner on NDTV Imagine's new reality show Rakhi Ka Swayamvar. The nationwide search for the perfect husband will culminate in a grand wedding where Rakhi will tie the knot.
So what are you waiting for? Tell us what Rakhi should be looking for in her life partner.
Better still, if you think you are Mr Right for the Mirchi babe then propose to her online. Who knows you might be the one to sweep Rakhi off her feet!
For more keep watching Rakhi Ka Swayamvar on NDTV Imagine."
Too many sarcastic remarks in head......brain cells fizzing......spontaneous implosion......*bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
P.S. Do her eyes look red in the above image? They're crimson... like the eyes of the devil's spawn. Like Voldemort's. Like Sauron's, except not yellow. Oh, my God... I am such a fantasy-book geek. And also, the Anti-Christ is among us! RUNNNNNN!
So I was out with my mom's friend's daughter, who is a journalist, and we attended some seminar on sex education for teens. Within seconds of reaching the tented area, I figured I knew way more than those specialists would ever tell me. It was a dark place, filled with evil ignorance that yelled at me to f-ing run out, but I thought I might get a good laugh out of it.
I didn't.
They flashed the usual "Stay Abstinent" card like they always do in schools, talking about how you should be married and totally devoted to your spouse and in love before you take the Big Step. I think I heard something along the lines of, "condoms can make you sick", but I wasn't listening. Snake II on my mobile phone was more engaging than this shit.
Saying "no" never works. Haven't they figured that out by now? I took biology in school and just the fact that we were mature enough not to giggle during human reproduction lectures says a lot about the level of maturity that we've reached. When we are told so often to be abstinent, we tend to give ourselves mental beatdowns if we so much as think about anything sexual. And how can you not be sexual when everything from the media to clothing is sex-ified? "Holding off till marriage" makes one so completely stubborn that they'll remain pure and when they, God forbid, end up succumbing, they just don't know how to protect themselves. Which directly relates to the rise in STDs and unwanted pregnancies, even as the government makes a commendable effort to curb the same.
And plus, we're teens. If we're told something is wrong, we have to have it.
Advocating safe sex is pretty much the only other way. I see it as two options: push your kid to the brink of temptation without knowing how to be safe OR teach them to accept sexuality for what it is and hope they keep themselves safe.
We can comprehend. If only someone told us what is to be comprehended..
And signing off, with a little clip from Mean Girls:
...that this is Salman Khan's ass? I saw him out in Bandra or someplace once and trust me, that butt has been totally Photoshopped.
This is the promo/teaser poster for his new movie Wanted: Dead or Alive. It's a remake, as almost all Hindi movies seem to be nowadays, from the Tamil movie Pokkiri. Well, I really liked the Tamil one, since Asin was in it and the movie appealed to Tamil masses. Don't know if you've noticed, but violence is a major theme in South-Indian movies and it pumps audience adrenaline like no Bipasha-Basu-in-a-bikini can.
It has a good script. I hope he doesn't pull a Yuvraaj out of this one too. .
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Recently, we observed Earth Hour wherein we were encouraged to switch off all electrical appliances, including lights, for an entire one hour. You know, since one hour of Amish existence can replenish all of the Earth's resources. But this is no time for sarcasm. Granted, I almost strangled my brother over that one hour considering I couldn't even charge my iPod and all the ice cream in the fridge had melted, I was also intrigued enough to look up NDTV's Greenathon, a non-profit venture for environment awareness.
Commendable attempt. Really. They've made over 2.4 crores to facilitate villages with solar panels. They have their own anthem and everything. And then I saw this: they held a concert for promoting the cause.
Not that a concert isn't an extremely awesome PR strategy. It's just... thousands of megawatts of electricity go into powering those things, not to mention all those celebrities with their over-inflated senses of egos they had to house and the massive television audience they catered to LIVE. There was an argument that the hosts didn't mind this fact, since it reached a large percentage of the population and they made more than enough money to compensate. That does nothing but bring out the impression that those tools at NDTV believe it's OK to waste electricity if you can pay for it. And about it "reaching the masses" : walk along Marine Drive for a couple of minutes and you'll see exactly how effective this whole thing was.
Then again, NDTV might not be the biggest idiot of all, considering eminent personalities have done equally ridiculous things. Chris Martin, lead singer and overall douchebag of Coldplay, said that his band took the initiative to plant 10,000 mango trees right here in India to compensate for all those private jets they use to fly around the world, even though there is scientific evidence that no number of trees can cause carbon dioxide fixation to such a large degree that it compensates for their constant jet-setting.
I don't care about my carbon footprint, I just want to eat roasted peanuts on my jet.
Even Al Gore, former Vice President of USA, organized the Live Earth concert in 2007 and flew in hundreds of thousands of celebrities, artists and crew, many of them by private jets. That basically released about 31,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide into the air for that one day alone.
If you wanna talk about carbon footprints, it doesn't get any bigger than this. .
. ...And I feel obligated to cover. In all fairness, I wanted a holiday and so I ditched the blog and sped off to Spain to spend the mid-week drinking, eating, dancing and generally whoring this blog. 'Cause nothing says 'desperate bitch, ole!' like pleading with the Spanish to read a blog that they won't understand and don't really wish to relate to.
I don't know what I'm trying to convey with that. Maybe I should stick with the conventional "I was down with the flu and needed a few days for my blood stream to purify itself from all the life-threatening viruses". Ah, well...
What we missed in the last 48 hours:
1) Jarnail Singh, a journalist, a Sikh and therefore extremely anti-Jagdish Tytler, the guy who has been proved responsible for the Sikh riots in 1984. Yesterday, we found out that he was also an angry young man with balls probably the size of melons, since he threw a shoe (a Reebok, I might add) at P. Chidambaram, our beloved Home Minister at a press conference. Dammit! I always wanted to be the one who did that! He wasn't arrested and P.C. forgave him for his rash actions. Somewhere, the other Reebok shoe is twitching uncontrollably, both to strike P.C. in the face and because it really misses its partner.
2) SRK and Aamir Khan (who apparently still thinks he's playing Sanjay Singhania) reconciled in front of media personnel to fight against a multiplex row where producers of films want to make a 50-50 revenue sharing deal with multiplexes that show their movies. You know what they say: A friend in need is a friend indeed. They also say: When there's going to be an increase in your paycheck, its OK to sell your soul to the devil.
3) The Tata Nano seems to have a slight glitch in the hood (See? I made a funny!) as early reports say that since registration started on April 1st, only 51,000 reservations were made out of the 150,000 expected. Then again, since Ratan Tata is involved, I can safely bet that things will run smoothly within a few weeks. I think that guy has actual magic on his fingertips... 4) SRK just can't stay out of the spotlight for a little while. Quick rundown: SRK's Kolkata Knight Riders team has four captains now. Sunil Gavaskar, who oozes cricket as he moves around thanks to his long and successful career in the field, criticized the actor's decisions because, you know, it's a free country and you're definitely allowed your opinion. But the King of All Opinions didn't really agree with this and, in a summarized form, ask the veteran cricketer to shut the hell up. Wise move, genius.
5) Kareena Kapoor still can't act. Shocker.
6) Narendra Modi gave a kickass interview with Arnab Goswami of Times Now and I totally enjoyed it, considering Modi and Advani have been the only people who have diplomatically (so polite that it hurt) told Arnab to STFU. This is only one out of three parts of the interview, so lift up your flabby forearms and scroll around Youtube to find the rest. . share on: facebook
Well, he's almost twelve. That was irrelevant to the article.
My brother's still in that 'comic books are way awesome' stage. So when he wakes up every morning (which is at the bloody crack of dawn, around the time I retire for bed) and announces that he's Wolverine or Spiderman for the day and proceeds to jump on my bed, and in the process, splits the ligaments in my limbs, I can't help but get a little bit annoyed.
I mean, I'm all for justice prevailing or whatever, but I need my sleep! So today, in a somewhat frisky mood, I counted down all the reasons why superheroes kinda suck. Like if you were the Hulk - at the rate at which you keep ripping your clothes, you'll probably go bankrupt in a month. And how do you expect to be saving the world when you're out shopping for new shirts all the time?
The puke-green and immense strength would also make things extremely awkward in bed...
The twit came back with, "I could be Flash."
Aha! Finally those physics lectures could be put to use. "Yeah, sure. But if you ran around like that all the time, the friction between your body and the air molecules would be of such a high magnitude that you'd probably set yourself on fire."
"Really?! That would be cool," grins the little heathen.
I started thinking fast. "Uhh...think about it. If your clothes all burn, you'll be back in the mall like the Hulk."
"Oh," came a tiny, dejected voice that spiraled my sadistic self into a volley of sustained laughs.
And even if you don't catch on fire, there's always the fact that you might blind yourself to death.
"Maybe Superman?"
"Too bright."
"Cyclops?"
"Too girly."
"Wolverine!"
"Too hot."
"Batman...?"
"Too cool."
This went on for about another three hours. Or maybe it was just a couple of minutes. I dunno, I usually don't grasp time and sanity when I'm woken up against my wishes.
But I somehow managed to crack into his infantile conscience and scare him to the point of no return. See, it turns out, when you completely smack down the childhood idols of little kids and tell them exactly why you'd like them to shove it, it tends to throw off their balance in a way I find slightly unsettling, yet somewhat cynically hilarious.
So when he ran out of the room crying and yelling "Moooooommy!", I exhaled a long sigh, adjusted the air-conditioning to the lowest temperature possible and went back to fuzzy dreams of me being Batgirl to Heath Ledger's Joker.
Some comic-book fantasies you can never quite escape. .
Closets all around the country must be so proud. Turns out Ranbir's Wake Up Sid and Twit and Twat's (my nicks for Saif and Bebo) new flick Jehaad are both being produced by Dharma Productions but the former has a budget of Rs.60 crores while the other's is about Rs.42 crores. Now I would usually congratulate anyone who one-ups Kareena Kapoor, but all I can say now is, "They have Rs.102 crores running on these three excuses for actors??"
Well, actually, the production sale for Ranbir's movie was about Rs.80+ crores or so earlier, but they had to cut costs due to the recession. It's funny how they blame everything on that. Why movies are flopping, why actors are being underpaid, why movies are being delayed - all thanks to the recession. It's got nothing to do with the shallow pool of immeasurable non-talent that Bollywood shovelled for itself, or the total disregard for a semblance of a plot in movies anymore. It's all got to do with the recession. Uh huh. Yup. That will be all. .
