Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Aamir Khan Offers to Clean Your Bathroom


Well, not technically your bathroom, but he's willing to mop up the stinky restroom floors of your favourite single screen theaters.

And that too not by his hand.

Now this post seems to be no fun writing at all...

Anywho, from NDTV Movies:
In demonstration of solidarity for the producers who are united in their battle with the multiplexes, Aamir Khan has now gone a step ahead. He has even offered to clean toilets in single screen theaters and make them hygienic enough for the audience to come in.

This drastic step comes in the light of current situation in the industry where producers may well abandon multiplexes and release their films only in single screens if the stand off with multiplexes persists.

"I was literally shocked when I heard that. For someone like Aamir Khan to make a statement like this is a big enough message for all of us out here", says Vashu Bhagnani with whom Aamir shared this idea of his.

Aamir made this statement in light of Vashu's production Kal Kissne Dekha which has been postponed due to the ongoing tussle with the multiplexes. A launch pad of Jackky Bhagnani and Vaishali Desai, this was the only film that was all set to be released and it's promotion too had kick started before the strike was announced.

Gee, here I was thinking he was doing this for public benefit while it's all actually in the name of friendship. Not that the motive isn't admired. Though I would have appreciated it more if my closest movie theater's bathrooms were clean because Aamir wanted me to have a safe and hygienic nature's call.

It's a good thing I just go to multiplexes then.
.

share on: facebook

Monday, April 13, 2009

A Rant That Turned Out to be Much More


Recently, the BJP candidate for PM, L.K.Advani, challenged the current PM, Manmohan Singh, to a live debate before the elections for the general public to grasp exactly what each party's propaganda is (without the media misconstruing everything) and to effectively decide who to vote for. This was widely appreciated by most sane, normal people with a sense of respect for themselves and their nation, while the Congress was completely against it. One might say this was because they just wished to prevent social awakening. Or maybe since they don't wish to comply with foreign standards of fair election campaigning. Or maybe, and it's most probably this one, their candidate has always proven to be an inefficient orator and an even worse politician.

Which are considered bad traits in a man who wishes to occupy the top-most government position of power in the entire country.

So today, in retaliation, Singh gave the following quotes. From NDTV.com:

With just about a day left before campaigning ends, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh on Monday attacked leader of the Opposition LK Advani saying that his strength lies in speech and not action.

Speaking in Mumbai, the Prime Minister said, "I am not a sloganeer. Unlike the NDA's prime ministerial candidate I will not be found weeping in a corner while hoodlums teat down a centuries old mosque, nor would I be found wringing my hands in frustration when one of my chief ministers condones a pogrom targeted at minorities."

Manmohan also said that he will certainly not say things in Pakistan that will offend every Indian and then abandon his stand when it becomes politically inconvenient within his party.

"Mr Advani has the unique ability to combine strength in speech with weakness in action. This is not the strength we need," he said.

The Prime Minister also termed BJP chief Rajnath Singh's statement as total lie that he, as the then Leader of the Opposition in Rajya Sabha, was consulted before release of Kandahar terrorists.

"Advani had agreed to release the terrorists and subjected Cabinet colleague Jaswant Singh to the humiliation of having personally escorted the terrorists during Kandahar episode to their safe haven," he said.

When asked about Rahul Gandhi becoming the Prime Minister, Singh said, "Someday power must be passed over to young people as it is happening all over the world and Rahul Gandhi has all the qualities to be a good Prime Minister."

Where to start?


1) Doesn't strong speech and the ability to sway crowds with just his striking personality make a true leader? Oratory skills are quite useful and damned necessary if you want to make an impression on your voters, so yes, if Advani thinks a debate must be held for both parties to get their points across, I fully support him.

2) The Congress really has no right to talk about communal riots or controversies since they have been embroiled in controversies worse, if not equivalent to, what occurred during the BJP's reign. The Bofors scandal worth Rs. 64 crores in the 1980s that led to the direct downfall of the Congress in the following elections? Or the 1984 Anti-Sikh riots which played an even more significant role in why the BJP came into power? Or the controversy over Sonia Gandhi's offices of profit when she was as MP, which was illegal?

3) The Kandahar incident. This will never cease as ammunition against the BJP. Remember the Mumbai hotel seize recently? How could you not? Imagine yourself as one of the members of the families with a loved one stuck inside the Taj around this time. It's damn hard, isn't it? You'd have probably sold your soul to request the government to negotiate and give in to any of the terrorist demands just so you could have your loved one out alive again. The Congress refused to do that. They sent in forces late, stalled break-ins in the name of investigations even as the time called for serious action by the military forces and, when the mission finally ended three days later, bragged about how they wouldn't give in to terrorism and its demands. It's a brilliant plan, really. Except when you let innocent citizens die in order to prove how tough your administration is.

When the Kandahar hijack occurred and the hijackers demanded the release of major names being some of the world's most horrifying terror plots in return for the passengers' safety, the BJP gave in. While many assume this as a fault of character by the Vajpayee government, I admire it. The BJP gave up its dignity and knew this would directly affect its future political ambitions and yet decided to go along with it. For the sake of hundreds of innocent civilians. If that doesn't show character, I really don't know what does. So when the Congress moonlights as an unmasked vigilante, the BJP does its work secretly, and a hundred times better.


I want a BJP vs. Congress debate LIVE on every news channel in the country, English and otherwise. I want Arnab Goswami and Rajdeep Sardesai to shut up and stop interrupting the people they are interviewing, under the name of time constraints on TV, so that people can, once and for all, form a solid opinion that won't falter even as they hold the ballots in their hand, the hand that casts the precious vote. I want order for once, and not a gimmick on national television where the media can jump to assumptions as they would in petty celebrity tabloids. Advani and Manmohan are not celebrities. They are men on a mission, and they are required to prove themselves to each citizen that is old enough to vote. Campaign rallies are rigged, with each party pulling in fanatical supporters to promote them. If they want to be in power, they need to showcase their competence, oratory and otherwise.

And I swear to all Gods, if this debate happens in the ways prescribed above, I will finally have witnessed a fair election in my time.
.
share on: facebook

Another Medal to Tendulkar's Close-to-Collapsing Trophy Cabinet


Two sports-related posts in one day? I must be growing up.

Sachin Tendulkar adds another badge to his bulky shoulder as his wax statue will be unveiled in Madame Tussaud's Museum as a tribute to his excellent career.

Except his statue really looks nothing like him.

It's also a pity that Tussaud's took so long to get his wax replica ready when people with considerable less talent and wholesomely sky-rocketing amounts of arrogance (read: Aishwarya Rai) were given this honour a long time ago.\

Eh. Where's the justice?
.
share on: facebook

Off the Meat Market


Roger Federer married his longtime girlfriend, who he also knocked up, on Saturday in Switzerland (where else?). He announced the news on his website that he (27) and Miroslava “Mirka” Vavrinec (31) are currently prancing about in wedded bliss. Mirka used to be one of the top 100 tennis players in the world before she retired due to injury and became Federer's manager, cheerleader and partner all rolled into one.

Now, I know I'm supposed to be happy for them and their pending parenthood, but why? Why, God?! What have I ever done to you?? WHY???

From People magazine:

Roger Federer is officially off the singles market. The tennis champ announced on his Web site that he married longtime girlfriend and former WTA tennis player Miroslava “Mirka” Vavrinec in Switzerland on Saturday.

“Earlier today, in my hometown of Basel, surrounded by a small group of close friends and family, Mirka and I got married. It was a beautiful spring day and an incredibly joyous occasion,” Federer, wrote on his blog. “Mr. and Mrs. Roger Federer wish all of you a Happy Easter weekend.”

Last month, Federer, winner of 13 Grand Slam singles titles revealed that he and Mirka are expecting their first child this summer. The couple met while at the 2000 Sydney Olympics where they both represented Switzerland.

Excuse me while I go express my anguish into my pillow...
.

share on: facebook

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Just When You Think the Samajwadi Party Couldn't Dig a Bigger Grave...

...they come right out and surprise you all over again.

I figure my own manifesto must have influenced them so much that they decided to rip off my acute wit and intelligence. Then again, their agenda really sucks, while mine reflects our time.

A cycle. On a political party's flag. They're practically
giving me bait.


The SP chief, Mulayam Singh Yadav, revealed his party's manifesto for the general elections yesterday with all this shit:

  • Curbing of English medium schools, and in all generality, English itself. This is probably a direct repercussion of the fact the entire party is vastly uneducated. And because they've probably took one cocaine sniff too much.
  • Curbing of...and hear this...COMPUTERS. They feel, and I directly quote, that "the use of computers in offices is creating unemployment problems. Our party feels that if work can be done by a person using hands there is no need to deploy machines." So he's just talking PCs, not laptops, right? Because if I get up in the morning and don't have access to coffee or the internet, I'll probably go down to Lucknow and shoot this guy in the head.
  • Banning of agricultural goods. 'Cause they feel the employment rate during the harvest season is declining and therefore banishment of tractors, motors and those Transformers like equipments that sow, glean, harvest and thresh crops on their own is the ideal way to go about it. At this rate, only high-profile businessmen can afford basic things like food.
  • Oops, too late. Apparently, they're cutting down high corporate salaries. This, in simpler words, mean more taxes. Socialist, much?
  • Setting up of unemployment allowance schemes for farmers and rural workers. So Mr. Yadav. There's this thing. It's called the National Rural Employment Guarantee Programme. And it works (somewhat) since it follows the policy of "if you want cash, you need to work for it." Are you going to be banning working for farmers now and just pay them free cash? That'd work well for votes, but at the end of the day, when there's no food left in India, you might end up pondering over how f-ed up this idea is, while you slowly starve to death.
  • Stock trading? According to them, it's just plain evil. An entire parallel economy thrives on the stock market alone for brokers, insurance people, speculators, corporates and middle men. So I have a question for Mr. Yadav. Why are people so stupid sometimes? Why?
  • Curbing of mall culture. Are you f-ing kidding me??!!

I'm guessing this announcement was ended with a "we'll take you forward into a new era."

There's a name for it, losers. It's called the stone age.
.
share on: facebook

P.I.M.M for Prime Minister!

Well, every major party has a manifesto by now and I, the little rascal that I am, felt the need to join with one of said major parties (whose name I shall refrain from mentioning, to look diplomatic and all) to promote their propaganda. I’m supposing no one told them how influential I can be, since as how they kicked my pretty behind all the way to the curb. So, in form of protest, I’m contesting alone this year. Yeah, loser, revenge is a bitch. VOTE FOR P.I.M.M!



MY AGENDA



FOR EDUCATION


Let’s face it, there isn’t really much to do here. A majority of rural areas don’t have secondary schools, or even primary and middle schools, for that matter, but who cares? We, as Indians, tend to kick ass in Calculus, Accounting and IT-related junk. The only people better than us are the Chinese. But we’ll exceed their population in a couple of years, so it’s OK.


FOR THE POPULATION SURGE


Speaking of, I have the perfect solution to stop the population bazooka that we’ve nurtured. Granted, it will interfere with the EDUCATION agenda, but compromise is essential. I propose: The birthing of babies must be made illegal. It’s as simple as that. If you so much as try giving birth (and scientific evidence shows that women are known to perform this activity more often than men do) you will be shot in the head and your baby will be sent to Cambodia to work in a Levi’s warehouse. No kidding.


FOR AGRICULTURE


Wikipedia states that our staple diet is rice and wheat. Well, you know what? They’re f-ing wrong! Our staple diet is pani puris and everyone knows that.

And how best to fill those millions of hungry stomachs that India had no care for before Slumdog Millionaire? Well, we wipe away all those tea plantations in Munnar and… grow pani puri trees! Screw the Green Revolution. Pani puris represent the true Indian and his frequent bowel issues.

FOR NUCLEAR POWER


I don’t know squat about atomic energy and how it works, but I fully support the growth of the industry in energy production as well as weapon amassment. You know, to nuke Lalu Prasad Yadav when he so much as opens his mouth.


FOR TAXES


No taxes for anyone! Instead, the government will give away free cash. Sure, that’ll throw the economy out of whack, but who even tries to understand the economy nowadays?


FOR RAKHI SAWANT


Another effective use of the nuclear programme.


FOR THE ECONOMY


This is a toughie. Again, I’m very uneducated about how the economy works, so along with the free cash, I’ll let all civilians hire my friend, who has a Postgraduate degree in M.A. Economics, for a

subsidized rate.



Vote for justice.

Vote for development.

Vote for randomness and incurable insanity.


Vote for P.I.M.M.



Note:

If you can’t stand a joke, that's so not my fault.

I don't really own rights for half of those pictures. Except for the first logo. That's totally mine :)




share on: facebook

Friday, April 10, 2009

Please Be Kidding. Please Be Kidding. PLEASE BE F-ING KIDDING!


Pack your bags, read your holy books and repent for your sins, for the Queen of All Things Emotionally Disturbing finally figured, "Hey! What's the best way to compete for screen time on TV? I know! I'll pick a douchebag husband and marry him live."

This shit will be aired on NDTV Imagine. I figured NDTV would be responsible for it...

"Welcome to Rakhi Sawant's Swayamvar. In what promises to be a first of its kind experience on television, Bollywood's hottest item girl has chosen to search for her real life-partner on NDTV Imagine's new reality show Rakhi Ka Swayamvar. The nationwide search for the perfect husband will culminate in a grand wedding where Rakhi will tie the knot.

So what are you waiting for? Tell us what Rakhi should be looking for in her life partner.

Better still, if you think you are Mr Right for the Mirchi babe then propose to her online. Who knows you might be the one to sweep Rakhi off her feet!

For more keep watching Rakhi Ka Swayamvar on NDTV Imagine."

Too many sarcastic remarks in head......brain cells fizzing......spontaneous implosion......*bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*


P.S. Do her eyes look red in the above image? They're crimson... like the eyes of the devil's spawn. Like Voldemort's. Like Sauron's, except not yellow. Oh, my God... I am such a fantasy-book geek. And also, the Anti-Christ is among us! RUNNNNNN!




share on: facebook

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Just Say... Nay?

So I was out with my mom's friend's daughter, who is a journalist, and we attended some seminar on sex education for teens. Within seconds of reaching the tented area, I figured I knew way more than those specialists would ever tell me. It was a dark place, filled with evil ignorance that yelled at me to f-ing run out, but I thought I might get a good laugh out of it.

I didn't.

They flashed the usual "Stay Abstinent" card like they always do in schools, talking about how you should be married and totally devoted to your spouse and in love before you take the Big Step. I think I heard something along the lines of, "condoms can make you sick", but I wasn't listening. Snake II on my mobile phone was more engaging than this shit.

Saying "no" never works. Haven't they figured that out by now? I took biology in school and just the fact that we were mature enough not to giggle during human reproduction lectures says a lot about the level of maturity that we've reached. When we are told so often to be abstinent, we tend to give ourselves mental beatdowns if we so much as think about anything sexual. And how can you not be sexual when everything from the media to clothing is sex-ified? "Holding off till marriage" makes one so completely stubborn that they'll remain pure and when they, God forbid, end up succumbing, they just don't know how to protect themselves. Which directly relates to the rise in STDs and unwanted pregnancies, even as the government makes a commendable effort to curb the same.

And plus, we're teens. If we're told something is wrong, we have to have it.

Advocating safe sex is pretty much the only other way. I see it as two options: push your kid to the brink of temptation without knowing how to be safe OR teach them to accept sexuality for what it is and hope they keep themselves safe.

We can comprehend. If only someone told us what is to be comprehended..


And signing off, with a little clip from Mean Girls:


share on: facebook

I'm Supposed to Believe...


...that this is Salman Khan's ass? I saw him out in Bandra or someplace once and trust me, that butt has been totally Photoshopped.

This is the promo/teaser poster for his new movie Wanted: Dead or Alive. It's a remake, as almost all Hindi movies seem to be nowadays, from the Tamil movie Pokkiri. Well, I really liked the Tamil one, since Asin was in it and the movie appealed to Tamil masses. Don't know if you've noticed, but violence is a major theme in South-Indian movies and it pumps audience adrenaline like no Bipasha-Basu-in-a-bikini can.

It has a good script. I hope he doesn't pull a Yuvraaj out of this one too.
.
share on: facebook

Go Green, Don't be an Idiot


Recently, we observed Earth Hour wherein we were encouraged to switch off all electrical appliances, including lights, for an entire one hour. You know, since one hour of Amish existence can replenish all of the Earth's resources. But this is no time for sarcasm. Granted, I almost strangled my brother over that one hour considering I couldn't even charge my iPod and all the ice cream in the fridge had melted, I was also intrigued enough to look up NDTV's Greenathon, a non-profit venture for environment awareness.

Commendable attempt. Really. They've made over 2.4 crores to facilitate villages with solar panels. They have their own anthem and everything. And then I saw this: they held a concert for promoting the cause.

Not that a concert isn't an extremely awesome PR strategy. It's just... thousands of megawatts of electricity go into powering those things, not to mention all those celebrities with their over-inflated senses of egos they had to house and the massive television audience they catered to LIVE. There was an argument that the hosts didn't mind this fact, since it reached a large percentage of the population and they made more than enough money to compensate. That does nothing but bring out the impression that those tools at NDTV believe it's OK to waste electricity if you can pay for it. And about it "reaching the masses" : walk along Marine Drive for a couple of minutes and you'll see exactly how effective this whole thing was.

Then again, NDTV might not be the biggest idiot of all, considering eminent personalities have done equally ridiculous things. Chris Martin, lead singer and overall douchebag of Coldplay, said that his band took the initiative to plant 10,000 mango trees right here in India to compensate for all those private jets they use to fly around the world, even though there is scientific evidence that no number of trees can cause carbon dioxide fixation to such a large degree that it compensates for their constant jet-setting.

I don't care about my carbon footprint, I just
want to eat roasted peanuts on my jet.


Even Al Gore, former Vice President of USA, organized the Live Earth concert in 2007 and flew in hundreds of thousands of celebrities, artists and crew, many of them by private jets. That basically released about 31,000 tonnes of carbon dioxide into the air for that one day alone.

If you wanna talk about carbon footprints, it doesn't get any bigger than this.
.



share on: facebook